The Time Travel Adventures Of Mike, Jim and Charlie

By Jack Porkins

This is a different kind of vampire story. Meet Mike, Jim and Charlie. Mike and Jim are huge geeks, and Charlie is one angry homophobic vampire who hates everything and everyone. One day, they discover a device that allows them to travel through time.
After discovering this device, they travel through time and discover that one day India will conquer the planet and create an empire that spans the globe. They discover that one day, squirrels and giant spiders will battle for control over the planet, and they will discover that their friend Charlotte, a vampire that managed to live for a long time, isn't too happy about how they've been looking through her stuff.
This story also tries to be funny all the time.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jack Porkins
• Release date: Jan 4, 2011
• ISBN: 9780463421420

Jack Porkins

I wrote a book because yes. I like the book, please buy it because it might make you laugh, or make you angry. I'm not in charge of your feelings so you have to decide for yourself.

Book preview

The time traveling adventures of Mike the vampire

By Jack Porkins

Copyright 2011 Jack Porkins

Smashwords Edition

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Let's get this show on the road

Traffic accidents happen all the time, and no one is ever safe. It can happen to anyone and anything. Cars, people, pedestrians, sharks, inanimate objects and birds, you never know.

Let's take an example. Let's say you're out enjoying a walk along a highway on a lazy and foggy Sunday night. Suddenly, some jerk who though he was sober enough to drive comes along, nods off in front of the wheel at just the right time, and runs you over before he smashes his car against a tree. Instead of just killing himself, he's also killed someone and caused a tree to feel excruciating pain.

Our protagonist, who goes by the name of Mike, has just experienced this scenario first-hand, but was able to survive the accident. He was very lucky... in a way. Mike was not what you would call a big or muscular person, so he had been sent flying like a ragdoll when he was hit by the car, before he got smashed into the railing at the side of the road. Mike was now severely damaged, and he had broken several bones, punctured his left lung, knocked out a lot of teeth, and he was bleeding internally.

He was not going to live for more than maybe 10-15 minutes before blood would start to fill his lungs and he would drown in it. But it wouldn't be all bad; death by drowning is said to be a nice way to go. But Mike would not be able to discover if it would have been a nice way to go, because a sort of... help was on the way.

It was coming in the form of two other gentlemen who were also enjoying a stroll in the fog. These men had no idea that it would be foggy at the time they had started to walk. In fact, as the men had noticed the fog, they had gotten really pissed and considered going home again, but changed their minds when they had heard heard a loud noise up ahead.

As the two strange men approached the source of the loud noise, they could see the scene of the accident. Mike could hear them talking amongst themselves, and when he forced his eyes open, he could barely see something that reminded him of people, though his vision was far too blurry to make out any more details.

The men started to do a small investigation of the scene. Not that there was much to investigate; the tire tracks and the car wreck didn't make it that much of a brain teaser. They checked the car and concluded that the driver had managed to end his own life.

They looked back at Mike, and turned all their attention towards him. They walked over to his mangled and misshapen body. One of the men bent down, and wiped some blood from Mike's face. When Mike tried to see what what happening, it looked like the man was tasting his blood. Unfortunately, in the dark, all Mike was able to see of them was that the one who had bent down to check on Mike seemed to be short and pudgy, while the other one that was standing in the background was of average height, and appeared to have a serious amount of hair on his head. It looked like the hair was black, but Mike wasn't sure; everything was kind of black right now. The man that just sat down next to Mike was wearing a t-shirt with something that would have been familiar to Mike, had he been able to make out any details. The man was wearing a dark t-shirt that had a huge spaceship on it, and large letters that said Battlestar Galactica written above the spaceship. Mike was wearing the exact same shirt. Mike also failed to notice that the man who had tasted his blood appeared to have some severe acne problems.

The man that had bent down saw the shirt Mike was wearing, gasped, and got to his feet again. He started to talk to the other one, the one with the long, and presumably dark hair. Mike had trouble hearing what they were saying. He seemed to have trouble getting his head into a coherent enough state to be able to take in what was being said. After a while he started to get his thoughts together again and pay attention, and what he heard were the two men debating something together. Mike tries to pay attention to what the two men are saying. Unfortunately, Mike is too unfocused to hear everything that is being said. This is part of the conversation between the two men:

No we can't take him with us, Jim. Why the hell would we do that? It's not like taking home some stupid dog, you know! one of them was saying. Jim was the one that had bent down and apparently tasted Mike's blood.

Oh come on! Did you see the shirt he was wearing? We can't just leave him like this! Let's at least give him a choice, huh? Isn't this the type of scenario that Charlotte always described? If we see someone who's fucked, we might as well give them the option, or something like that? This was the other one that was there. He seemed a little calmer, and he also seemed willing to help Mike with his predicament.

First of all, asshole; she has a ton of reasons why you should be careful about who you help. Have you forgotten about the rules? Second: Who the fuck cares what she says? And why the fuck do you care? Fuck you, you Oprah-watching motherfucker! You're acting like you've got a fucking vagina! Why not get a nice pair of tits and it's done! This is not our shit so we stay the fuck out of it! Let's just wait for him to die, and then we get a free meal!

Hey, fuck you, Charlie! give me one good reason why we shouldn't save him! For all we know he could be this great guy that saves starving children, or cures aids, or does any other grand life pursuit that you can think of.

Yeah, or he could be a child molester that just got tired from fucking some 10-year old kid in the ass, and then felt like taking his dick for a walk. And next thing you know... BAM! Charlie slaps his hands together to simulate the incident that lead to Mikes unfortunate situation, and finishes by saying Karma.

Wait, how... How do you make that connection? He's taking a walk so that means that he's some monster that fucks kids? That is not a connection that should appear in the head of a normal person. You have issues, man. Now come on, if it wasn't for Charlotte you would never fucking be here in the first place, so why the fuck are you so against this shit?! I've done this before, so I kind of know what I'm doing, and i don't care if you don't want to join me. If you feel like this is none of your business then just leave.

There is a moment of silence between the two of them. Charlie looks down in the ground, clearly annoyed, but then he realizes that there is no amount of swear words and references to homosexuality he can use to change Jim's mind. Jim breaks the silence by talking.

Well go on then. Get the hell away! This is followed by gestures to suggest that Charlie should start to go away. Charlie just stands there, looking like he's really upset at this attitude from Jim. When Charlie starts to talk again, it's not in a very friendly tone:

Ah fuck. Alright; I'll stay.

Finally! Jim is almost screaming as he's talking. He takes a deep breath, then he says; Let's talk to the guy.

Mike is starting to get very very tired. His eyelids are starting to feel incredibly heavy; it feels like he hasn't slept in weeks; he wouldn't mind just closing his eyelids and taking one hell of a nap right now. That is very dangerous though, and if he does take a nap, it will have some really stupid and boring consequences. The biggest risk: that he would probably not be waking up again from the nap. That thought frightens Mike a lot, and he will do anything to keep that thought from becoming a reality.

There was blood everywhere now, and Mike could feel it running through his hair. He decides to try and see if the people that are standing next to him can provide some assistance. It seems there was an argument just now, but Mike had not been able to remember anything after fading in and out of consciousness so many times. He does remember a few words like asshole, fuck, and help. He didn't really care either, as long as they could help him, something the word help wold entail. But now that the conversation had ended, Mike was once again the center of attention. The one called Jim was starting to talk to Mike again.

Hey man, can you hear me? Mike nodded and made a grunt in response. He couldn't really talk too much as his lungs was starting to fill up with too much blood for them to do the important things lungs should do. Breathing being one of them. Existing is probably one of the other important things that lungs do.

OK good. Listen... Jim was struggling with how to explain himself to this stranger lying at the side of the road, probably hoping for someone to come along and rescue him so he could go home and... well he wouldn't really speculate in what this man did. Though that was not going to be the outcome here.

So... couldn't help but notice the imminent death you're about to face, and um... we think we have a way to help you survive. Now that, you know, might sound very incredible and all, but there is, like this really huge catch to it, and it can be kind of a drag if you're not completely cool with it. But if you say yes, you get to live, I guarantee it!

Mike had a skeptical look on his face. Jim saw this, and started to talk again. Trust me, I can save you! But there is this uh, thing about the other thing... Shit, how should i say this... You don't get to be completely human anymore? No wait that's wrong. Or... No wait i think that explanation works. Charlie, are we still like humans? Does that explanation work? Jim didn't get any response.

Mike tried to say what?, but found that when he tried to talk there was too much blood coming from his mouth. Charlie decides to start talking again.

See, he doesn't want our help. Just let him die and we can get some food.

You're not exactly helping me here, Charlie; so shut up! was Jim's answer. Charlie does a quick scan in his brain looking for the proper way to show that he has no intention of helping, and decides to give Jim the finger in response. Jim turns around, ignoring Charlie and his fuck you response, and starts to talk to Mike again.

OK it's really simple; if you want our help, just nod your head; if you just want to die right now and go to that other strange and... confusing place, then be my guest; just shake your head sideways.

Mike decides to take their help and starts to nod his head with all his energy.

All right! Jim said, clearly happy that the stranger chose their help. Let's get you some help then. The next thing Mike felt was something biting his right arm. Charlie mutters the word gay" under his breath to describe his feelings about the situation. It appears that Jim is responsible for the biting, and Jim seems to have lodged his teeth in Mike's left arm. For some strange reason, Mike couldn't care less about this right now. He's too tired to stay awake anymore, and he just has to close his eyes. And so he does.

When Mike opens his eyes again, he finds himself standing next to the riverbed of a dark, and murky river. He can see that there is a dock at the riverside next to him. Behind him there is what looks like one half of a waiting room. A radio stands on a table in the corner of the half-room. The radio is playing some relaxing classical music.

Mike is confused about all of this. Is this a dream? Wasn't he about to die just now? Is that a boat he's seeing coming across the river?

It was a boat, but it wasn't just a regular old boat like the type that people use to go fishing. This was more like a small ferry. The ferryman could be seen at the aft of the ferry. He was concealed in a cloak. This raised several questions about what the ferryman looked like, and none of those questions will be answered.

The ferry docked; the ferryman exited the ferry, and went over to Mike. They looked at each other for a little while before the ferryman started to talk to Mike in a very casual tone.

Hi there, Michael Jordan. Let me just start by saying that you have no idea what a bummer it was when i realized you weren't the other Michael Jordan; The one who plays basketball, I know you've heard about him. To be honest with you, I was kind of ready for some basketball today, but I guess I'll have to wait a little longer for that to happen. But let's forget about that. Let's have a look at you now. Hmm. You seem to be an interesting character, despite having very few accomplishments in life..

The ferryman kept still, but Mike could feel how the man was staring at him. This had to be a really bad nightmare. The cloaked figure that was standing in front of him was quite terrifying. He finally managed to work up the nerve to talk to the cloaked stranger. Wh- who are you? What is this place? Am i dead? The ferryman answered in the most casual tone he could produce.

Yeah, you're dead; Thought you would have guessed that by now. By the way, have you got something shiny for me? You don't get across unless you have something shiny or cool that you can give me. Don't worry, I keep up with the times. Credit cards, keys, cellphones, whatever you got, I'll take it. As long as it's shiny, or looks fancy.

Mike was trying to think of something to say. If he really was dead, he had several questions that he had prepared, in case there really was an afterlife. He wanted to know who was in charge, and why things had been so hard for him. But now that the time was here, he couldn't remember any of those questions, and so he just stood there and stared into the face of the ferryman.

"Wait a minute! You're not going across the river... Oh wow! you are way better than the basketball guy! Seems you met some interesting people before you ended up in my