Befriending Death: Over 100 Essayists on Living and Dying

By Michael Vocino and Alfred G. Killilea

Its not easy to speak about death in our culture. As children of revolution, we think of our country as young, energetic, and future oriented. Our ideals of progress and vigor seem contradicted by the concept of death. But the silence about death in America is a lost opportunity for people to find insight and support in walking that lonesome valley.

In Befriending Death, over 100 writers respond, in one page each, to one question: In the face of death, how do you find meaning and fulfillment in life? Penned from people from a variety of backgrounds, the essays take death seriously and openly and discuss how the authors find meaning in life. This chance for a rare sharing of views on a truly profound subject has attracted commentators who are deeply religious and those who are not religious, noted authors and people who have never published a word, people celebrated by the world and people ignored by the world. As they are all equal in their mortality, they are equal in striving for an authentic existence and an honest description of what for them constitutes fulfillment.

While each essay in Befriending Death is unique, together they present a tapestry of courage, struggle, and insight. At a time when we are often overwhelmed by the eagerness of people to provide their opinions on politics and sports, here is a rare opportunity to hear people share their most profound views on life and death.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 29, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491738092

Michael Vocino

Michael Vocino is a former Dean of Libraries at the University of Rhode Island. He has taught film and political science and is currently the University Gifts Librarian. Alfred G. Killilea was educated at Andover, Notre Dame (A.B.) and the University of Chicago (M.A. and Ph.D. in Political Science.) He taught Political Theory for 43 years at the University of Rhode Island. He is the author of THE POLITICS OF BEING MORTAL and the editor of CONFRONTING DEATH.

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Copyright © 2015 Michael Vocino and Alfred G. Killilea.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-3810-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-4057-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-3809-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014912383

iUniverse rev. date: 11/20/2014

Contents

Introduction

Introduction—In the Face of Death:Finding Meaning in Life

Preview of the Essays

Chapter 1: The Journey Is What Counts

John J. Barry—I Might As Well Die Alive

Ross Cheit—Finding Meaning in Battling Hate, Suffering and Injustice

Ilana Coenen—Death Is My Constant

Sandra Enos—Some Final Thoughts

Joanne Fahey—Dying Long Before a Last Breath

Cheryl Foster—Life Beckons Now

Carol Gibbons—Meaning in Death From Meaning in Life

David Gitlitz—Not Yet

Gale Greenleaf—Living the Way You Want to Die

Gerald E. Kubasiak—All You Keep Is the Getting There

Daniel Larsh—The Path to Death Defines Us

Bernice Lott—The Golden Rule ofa Socialist, Secularist, Atheist

William F. McDonald—How to Assess a Life

Alexandre Papa—The One Thing We Know

Marc Tetreault—I Don’t Think About Death

Chapter 2: Death Does Not Obliterate

Creativity But Intensifies It

Lisa Andrews—Creativity Triumphs Over Time

Russell R. Chabot—The Last Dance, the Last Laugh and to Hell with Socrates

Michael Geisser—Finding a Happy Place

Galen A. Johnson—Philosophy Matters to Me

Jhumpa Lahiri—Life and Death in the Creative Process

Lynn Pasquerella—Mystic Unity and Baseball

Karen Stein—How to Live

Chapter 3: Our Relationships Are More

Important Than Our Mortality

Jack J. Barry, Jr.—Improving the Finite Human Condition

Missy Buchanan—Leaning Forward Into Life

Russell Corcoran—The Privilege of Caring

Lu Cribari—Sweetness at the End

Frank D’Andrea—Death, A New Adventure

Shawnee M. Daniels-Sykes—Meaning in Life: A Brother’s Struggles

Joshua Feinman—All that ReallyMatters Are Your Relationships

Timothy Heffernan—Weaving the Tapestries of Family and Community

Paul Kile—Walking Among the Trees

John Killilea—Life, Love, Motivation

Jane McCarthy—Seek Peace with Your Adversaries

W. Lynn McKinney—It’s What You Don’t Do That Matters

Roberta Richman—The Answer to Mortality Is Kindness

David Schock—If Love Is Real Then Death Is Nothing

Peter W. Stein—Appreciating Miracles in Every Day

John A. Sullivan—Life As a Cooperative Occupation

Terry Thoelke—Always Be Kinder Than Necessary

Barbara Tilden—The Consolation of Children and Kindness

Mark R. Tucker, III—A Secret Smile Gives Me Hope

Cynthia Weisbord—We Defy Death by Love

Reiko Wimbush—Laughter Heals a Cracked Heart

Morgan Zubof—The Lives We Have Touched

Chapter 4: Views On The Necessity Of Faith

William Bartels—Faith Imbues My Life with Meaning

Michele Bronda—Death Does Not Belong to Us

Nan Burke—An Experience of Dying

Michael A. Cerbo II—Death asPreparation in the Catholic View

Judith V. Daley—Ready To Meet My Maker

David Davis—Carry Their Souls: After 9/11

David Dooley—The Fundamental Divide in Confronting Death

David Fogarty—Grounded in the Four Gospels

Susan Fogarty—Importance of Belonging

Hauwa Ibrahim—Do Not Weep For Me—I Find Meaning in Faith

Thomas Keefe—Life as a Path to Experiencing the Divine

Connie Nicolosi—God or No God

Michael V. Pearce—Learning to Regret

Jean Revil—Death Is Merely a Change of Address

Arthur Stein—Soul’s Journey Homeward

Bishop Thomas Tobin—Without Immortality, the Specter of Death Would Be Terrifying

Mark Wimbush—Die Before Dying

Chapter 5: When A Loved One Dies

John Bayerl—A Final Dressing

William F. Daley, Jr.—Celebrating the Love of Those Lost

James Findlay—Lessons from Losing A Son

Joanne Mazzotta—Grief and Love, A Son’s Suicide

Monica May Glushanok—Requiem for Henry Saia

Ann McIntyre—Death of a Child

William Morgan—Illuminating Mother

Susie Hemingway Mourisi—The Way to Affirmation

Wayne Olson—Me and Job

Marisa Quinn—It’s Not What You Take, But What You Leave Behind

Evelyn Wight—Keep Going

Genie Wild—I Won’t Get Over It

Chapter 6: Death And Interconnectedness

Robert Carothers—The Life Force

Francis X. Clooney, SJ—Deadlines

Rick Devin—Understanding from the Very Core

Adeline DiRocco—The Circle of Life

Richard Giannone—The Mind Lies, the Body Tells the Truth

B. L. Headtinkerwalla—Death-in-Life

Colby Hopkins—Whose Life Did I Make Better

Alfred G. Killilea—We Are One Vast, Dysfunctional Family

Susan Matarese—Death and Our Interconnectedness with All Living Things

Katherine E. McAllister—The Moments In-between

Richard McIntyre—Combatting Appalling Moral Amnesia

Barnaby McLaughlin—Death Precedes Life

Gerhard Müller—Each Death Is a Birth

Kuldip and Satwant Singh—Reconciling with Death

Ashley Stoehr—I Am Unafraid

Judith Stokes—I Know How to Live My Life Well

Michael Vocino—Meaning and Improving the Human Condition

Steven Williamson—Marx and Death

Chapter 7: Death And The Tragedy Of Life

Frank Annunziato—Death As Emptiness

Geraldine Barry—I Have No Answer to Death

Danielle Dirocco—Dismantled by Alzheimer’s

Paul Forte—Death Is Certain to All

Joyce Goggin—In the Cards

Amar Lahiri—The Brutality of Death for Religion

Lisa Libera—Death Swallows Everything You Love

Marlene Malik—Death is Unfairand a Complete Waste of Time

Michael McElroy—It’s Pretty Damned Depressing

Alison McMahan—We Can Only Live with Honor if We Claim Our Death

Peter Nightingale—When I Stopped Beating My Wife?

Rosa Maria Pegueros—The Hopes of a Devout Agnostic

Lawrence E. Rothstein—Death andthe Avoidance of Obligations

Wallace Sillanpoa—The Sting of Deathand Active Remembering

Ellen Davis Sullivan—I Don’t Find Any Large Meaning in Life

Jeff Swain—We Base Our Life on Chance

John Vocino—On Denial

Chapter 8: Death And Appreciating Life

Winifred Brownell—Waking Like Scrooge

David Cicilline—Choosing One’s Own Way

Joseph Creedon—Befriending Death

Harold B. Davis—Death and Accepting Limitations

Alejandro de Acosta—A Grip on Life That Sends Death Away

Kristen Mae Hopkins—Spend Timein Laughter and Inspiration

Susan Klopfer—Follow Your Plan and Don’t Let Others Mess with It

Ibrahim Abdul-Matin—Death : No One Is Very Good at It!

Hugh D. McCracken—On Happiness and Aloneness

John F. Murphy IV—The Elderly as Teachers of Meaning and Fulfillment

Yvette Nachmias-Baeu—Not the Day to Die

Daniel Novak—Death Becomes Ally, Friend, Companion

Michael Vocino

dedicates this book to his pal, Joe.

Alfred Killilea dedicates this book to his wife, Mary Ann.

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We want to begin this book with a note of gratitude to our authors. Without their willingness to join in this project our efforts would be for naught. We’d also like to thank Danielle Dirocco who gave us invaluable editorial assistance.

Introduction

In the Face of Death: Finding Meaning in Life

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Live your own life because you will die your own death.

—Latin Aphorism

Introduction—In the Face of Death:

Finding Meaning in Life

T his book comprises the collective wisdom of over 100 thoughtful people who were asked to respond in one page to this question: In the face of death, how do you find meaning and fulfillment in life?

It is not easy to speak about death in our culture. As children of revolution, we think of our country as young, energetic and future oriented. Our ideals of progress and vigor seem contradicted by the concept of death. But in a pluralistic culture of diverse ethnic traditions, our common mortality is perhaps the most powerful part of our story and it potentially unites everyone of us. The silence about death in America is a lost opportunity for people to find insight and support in walking that lonesome valley.

This book provides brief essays from people of a vast array of backgrounds, all taking death seriously and openly reflecting on how and where they find meaning in life. While some of these writers come from other continents and from across the United States, many of these voices are from the smallest state, Rhode Island, which we feel serves as a microcosm of the diversity and insight of the larger country. This chance for a rare sharing of views on a truly profound subject has attracted commentators who are deeply religious and those who are not religious, noted authors and people who have never published a word, people celebrated by the world and people ignored by the world. As they are all equal in their mortality, they are equal in striving for an authentic existence and an honest description of what for them constitutes fulfillment. While our commitment as editors to inclusiveness inevitably results in essays that vary in power and polish, the reader will find in this book views about life and death from a true cross-section of our culture.

Preview of the Essays

B ecause there is such a wide variety of ways in which our authors have responded to our single question, In the face of death, how do you find meaning and fulfillment in life, the essays defy simple categorization. Some common themes emerge, however. Some contributors believe that the only meaning that death allows in life is that derived from a theological perspective. Essays by David Dooley, Michael Cerbo, Bishop Thomas Tobin, Thomas Keefe and others find faith essential in looking death in the eye. Other contributors believe just the opposite, that a focus on an afterlife robs this life of significance and authenticity. Many other essayists do not take a position on religion and an afterlife and imply that what is a decisive support in contemplating death to some people is irrelevant to their view of life and death.

Some writers cite the creative process as what permits them to be uncowed by death. The Pulitzer Prize winning fiction writer Jhumpa Lahiri says she is most alive when writing and that it is a kind of little death each time she has to stop. Jacques Choron in his book, Death and Western Thought, is a critic of the idea that creativity can stand up to death. He argues that all creative works eventually perish and can constitute only a temporary memorial. Some of our authors would challenge Choron’s emphasis on endurance as irrelevant to a person’s transcending time-boundness in self-expression.

Many authors cite our relationships with others as providing meaning and fulfillment in the face of death. With Plato and Aristotle, these writers see our essence as social beings trumping the description of humans as mortal beings. It is interesting to observe that people who today turn to cryogenics or to the possibilities of organ renewal to solve the problem of death and to find immortality, rarely extend that quest to those who are close to them. The loneliness and self-centeredness of the immortalists would be an uninteresting Faustian swap for many of the essayists in this book. David Schock observes: If love is real then death is nothing, and Cynthia Weisbord says: We defy death by love. Josh Feinman argues that all that really matters are your relationships. Timothy Heffernan finds deep meaning in weaving the tapestries of family and community. Jane McCarthy finds a striking admonition in our mortality: seek peace with your adversaries.

A theme that is embraced repeatedly in these essays is that it is the journey that is far more engaging and attractive than the destination in life. Gerald Kubasiak quotes a popular song in his essay: Where you’ve been is good and gone, all you keep is the getting there. Ashley Stoehr says: My fulfillment in life stems from a lack of fear or concern for an epilogue, only the present storyline matters. There is no happily ever after, merely the journey’s final drink, but that last sip will be glorious. Winifred Brownell urges us to wake every morning like Scrooge discovering that he has another chance.

Some writers see the importance of being aware of our mortality but that underscores for them the greater importance of the awareness of life. Cheryl Foster has a playful skeleton dangling from her car mirror but notes: We know that death’s coming…but life beckons now. Similarly, Ilana Coenen, perhaps our youngest writer at 21, concludes: I don’t understand death, but life is too short to be afraid. I will not hide from the unknown. I will not ask myself when I will die or when death will come into my life again. But I will ask myself, am I living?

The paradox of how reflecting on death thrusts us back to an appreciation of life is a theme that reverberates through most of the essays in this book. The ironic interplay of death and life is well captured by Jhumpa Lahiri’s quote from the Italian poet, Umberto Saba: And it’s the thought of death that helps us, after all, to live. Susan Matarese writes: I think that the consciousness of death has helped me to live more mindfully, to focus on the present rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. This irony runs deep in Dan Novak’s claim that Death becomes an ally, friend, companion. and in Barnaby McLaughlin’s conclusion that all life exists only because of death. B. L. Headtinkerwalla argues that death means life and Joseph Creedon urges us to befriend death. Gerhard Müller sees in each death a birth.

Even in a set of essays that react to the very hard challenge of losing someone precious, there is the irony of death affirming life. Evelyn Wight tells of the struggle to keep going after the murder of her sister. Sometimes I still sob for hours, or days. But for me, life has been made worth living by continuing to find things to love. I press my animal body toward warmth. I forgive myself for surviving. I laugh out loud at silliness. I marvel at butterflies and concrete.

While each essay in this book is unique, together they present a tapestry of courage, struggle, and insight. It is fascinating and humbling to see the many different ways people can respond to the same question and to realize how much we can learn from these many varied perspectives. At a time when we are often overwhelmed by the eagerness of people to provide their opinions on politics and sports, here is a rare opportunity