The Hole in My Soul

By Cathy Donovan

The book you are about to read will hopefully prevent you from falling into the same traps as I did. At first I thought traps were invented just for me to fall into but they lie in wait for us all. Sometimes I thought I would never get out of them alive. This book tells you about my life and part of my sisters, who I know suffered as I did. So trust me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will take you through my journey from past to present and hopefully you will find the light too. I had a lot of inspiration from my sister and my partner David. They have helped me turn my life around, for that I am eternally grateful. In the beginning you may think there is nothing unusual about my life, that shit happens. I can only tell you my side of the story and how it was for me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Feb 11, 2014
• ISBN: 9781493105274

Cathy Donovan

This book is based on my true life story, My ups and my more downs I hope once you have read this book It will inspire you and make you and others to get stronger and not to fall Into the pitfalls I did, I’m not saying if I can do it everyone can, I just hope I Can give you the strength that I wish I have now back then, There is a light at the end of that very dark tunnel Best Wishes Jacqui xx

Book preview

Copyright © 2014 by Cathy Donovan.

ISBN:               Softcover                        978-1-4931-0526-7

                         Ebook                             978-1-4931-0527-4

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 01/25/2014

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris LLC

0-800-056-3182

www.xlibrispublishing.co.uk

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Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Introduction

T he book you are about to read will hopefully prevent you from falling into the same traps as I did. At first I thought traps were invented just for me to fall into but they lie in wait for us all. Sometimes I thought I would never get out of them alive. This book tells you about my life and part of my sister’s, who I know suffered as I did. So trust me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will take you through my journey from past to present and hopefully you will find the light too. I had a lot of inspiration from my sister and my partner David. They have helped me turn my life around, for that I am eternally grateful. In the beginning you may think there is nothing unusual about my life, that ‘shit happens’. I can only tell you my side of the story and how it was for me.

Chapter 1

I t was a cold Monday morning it was the beginning of November 1966 if I remember correctly as I was only three years old, mind you it would not have mattered if it was Monday, Tuesday etc, as I hated every day week because I knew when the big hand on the clock was on twelve and the little hand was on the eight that my Mum would tell me to come and get my coat on. You see my Mum worked for a local farm and my Dad, John, worked at I.C.I. My sister, of whom I was very jealous, had started school; she being three years my senior. Then I heard, ‘Hey day dreamer, snap out of it and hurry up.’

The tears started to fall but would go unnoticed; Mum just turned a blind eye. I was led or dragged by the hand up the road.

Mum kept saying, ‘Now come on Jacqueline, she’s not that bad!’

If only she knew. As Mum knocked on my child minder’s door I tried to stop the tears because I knew I would only give my child minder something else to pick on me for. She opened the door all smiles, ‘Hi, Doey, [that was her nick name for my Mum] how’s this little one today?’

I wanted to scream, ‘Shut up you nasty witch!’ but I was so scared of her.

‘Go on Doey, go on you will be late, say goodbye to your Mum, Jack.’

I hated her calling me that. And then the front door would close.

‘Right you!’ I would jump at that thunderous voice. ‘Into the shed you go young lady.’

So with that I walked down the garden path to the shed and then she pushed me with a lot of force and promptly locked the door. There was no toilet or any light; I used to sit and cry all day. I would work out how long I would be in there for by what natural daylight I could see and when it started to go dark, after what seemed to be hours and hours I heard the key turn in the lock.

‘Out you and not a word, you hear me? Your Mum won’t believe you and you will be called Jack the lying brat!’

She would then take me through the kitchen and the living room; both of them dirty just like me. Mum knocked at the door and she quickly opened it saying, before I could speak, ‘Jacqui has been very naughty today, she refused to use the toilet.’

My Mum looked down to my dress which was heavily soiled, ‘You dirty girl, why didn’t you ask to use the toilet?’

I was about to say that I had but June said, ‘What have I told you about lying?’

Mum said, ‘Right, tea and straight to bed for you.’

The evil witch spoke up again, ‘There’s no need for tea, she’s had some.’

I hadn’t but it wasn’t worth saying anything. As we walked home and, unexpectedly, Mum slapped me hard across the back of my legs. ‘Don’t you ever show me up like that again do you hear me?’

This continued for a few days until I was lucky enough to get some biscuits from the cupboard without Mum’s noticing, but that day I was in for another shock. June’s two sons had come over to stay for a few weeks. When June went out to the shops she gave Joey the key as I was just sitting there too numb to feel emotions. I heard the key turn in the lock and a very tall scruffy looking lad stepped in.

‘So you’re the little one Mum’s been talking about. She said you were a very naughty girl and you know what happens to naughty girls.’

Why what does happen to naughty girls, He replied I’ll show you, he (well you can guess) started to abuse me, After he had finished, he made me touch him

He was saying, ‘You say anything to anyone and you and your family will get hurt.’

Again Mum came to pick me up and yes, I had soiled myself. I was waiting for the shouting to begin but June spoke, ‘Go easy on her Doe, she may have asked to use the toilet but what with our Joey coming in and out like a yoyo I mustn’t have heard her. Jacqui has been a good girl all day she ate all her tea, I would have changed her for you but with them two turning up, the time just flew by.’

‘That’s ok, June, don’t worry I will sort it when we get home.’

After what seemed like years not weeks my luck changed; Mum dropped me off at June’s, Mum walked away and once again June marched me down to the shed and pushed me in. Then I heard somebody shouting, ‘Are you there June?’

‘Just coming!’ she replied. It was then that I realised that she hadn’t turned the key. With my heart pounding I heard another voice singing away and it was coming from the bottom of the garden. It was Hazel, another friend of my Mother’s. I had begged Mum a few times to let me stay with Hazel and she always replied no, she’s got enough on her plate with her three kids. I had to think quickly; should I make a run for it or was it a trick of June’s and I would find her waiting outside the shed. No more time to think, go now, I told myself. I opened the shed door and ran as fast as my little legs would let me. I felt as though a monster was chasing me and my pants which had fallen down around my ankles were tripping me up but I kept on going. ‘Aunty Hazel!’ I screamed out loud [Mum had always told us to call her that]. She turned around, ‘Oh lord, you poor little thing’. With that she scooped me up and lifted me over the fence. She was saying, ‘I thought I could hear sounds coming from that shed but I never thought it was you, Jacqui. Why didn’t your Mum ask me to look after you? Just wait till she gets home.’

I began crying and told Aunty Hazel everything.

‘Oh come on sweetheart, let’s get you inside and I will make you some hot milk.’

Later that day Hazel said, ‘Come on Jackie,’ her own girl had the same name, ‘Get your coat on, we’re going to walk up and meet your Mum from work.’

As we were walking up the road my child minder, who must have seen what had been taking place came up to her gate and started to say, ‘We’ve been worried sick.’

Aunty Hazel said, ‘Go back inside June, you will be sorted out when Doreen gets here.’

That’s what I later learned, cowards always hurt then hide away, don’t they? As Mum turned the corner into Wade Crescent, Hazel said, ‘Just go to your gate, love, I can see your sister stood there, she will watch you while me and your Mum go and sort a few things out.’

A few minutes later they both walked around the corner laughing. I didn’t know what they had done but I had a good idea because Mum had a very nasty temper. Lots of people were saying that Mum knew all along what was going on but she wouldn’t put her own daughter through that or would she? From that day onwards I stayed with Aunty Hazel until I was old enough to start school and they were very happy days.

The night before I was due to start school Mum took me to her sister’s house just up the road. They were talking away and then I heard Janet say to Mum, ‘You can’t send her to school with her hair like that, it’s all shapes and sizes. Come on, Jacqui, let Aunty Janet cut your hair.’

She then got her old fashioned hair clippers out and started to cut while still talking to my Mum. I thought, she’s been on one spot of my head for a while now. Then I heard a roar of laughter, ‘I’m sorry, Doey, but she’s got a bald patch all around the back.’

Mum said, ‘Don’t worry Janet, I will have to send her to school wearing a bobble hat.’

Chapter 2

T hat night I was really scared when I went to bed thinking that everyone would be picking on me. I must have drifted off to sleep because I woke up lying in a puddle. Yes, I had wet myself again. This had become a regular thing since leaving June’s. I quickly took the sheets off the bed and went down stairs thinking Mum would still be in bed. As I opened the living room door, I heard my Mum singing along to the radio and I realised that I couldn’t hide what I’d done. I passed the bedding to my Mum, ‘God, child, don’t you think I have enough to do?’ So, for punishment, she told me to put the bedding back on my bed and I was to sleep in it that night.

Mum dressed me in my sister’s hand-me-downs which I know most families did for reasons of economy. She told me to put my coat and bobble hat on which I did and then we started the dreaded walk to school. It was the middle of summer and no-one else was wearing a bobble hat and that’s why the bullying began. ‘Here comes baldy smelly knickers!’

They would push me back and to between their gang but I didn’t care because I thought it was meant to happen to naughty children, at least, that’s what I had been told. I had told Mum about the bullying but she just said that I wasn’t to be so marred. When I told my teachers, even they said that I must be doing something wrong.

My sister was at the same school for a while so she would help me out of some of the scrapes I’d got myself into. Was I so different? It was becoming an everyday event. I felt like I was on my own even when my sister was around; I became used to the bullying. My sister then moved to a higher school and then I knew I was really on my own. When it was home time I would go home and lie on my coat on the floor outside the front door which would be locked. I would fall asleep as I waited for my Mum to come home from work. No, she wasn’t a bad mother. Adults in the street would watch me; Aunty Hazel had moved and I wouldn’t go to anyone else’s house. After a few weeks of continuing to go to school then coming home at home time I would still lie on my coat. Soon afterwards I began to feel unwell; I was even falling asleep during lessons in school. The teachers just shouted at me and never bothered to ask whether I was okay. Then again, why should they? I felt nobody to anyone. They made me stay behind to catch up on the work I had missed while I was asleep; this meant I would be home late and Mum would be cross. At least I would be warm. The next thing I would hear was, ‘Hey, Dolly day dreamer, you can go now, but we want that work finishing at home do you hear?’

Sometimes when I got home Mum would be working late and my sister would be somewhere with her friends so I just lay down on my coat again and drifted off to sleep. Then I felt someone shaking me, ‘Jacqui, come on wake up your tea’s on the table, it’s your favourite, mince and mash.’

I got up but I felt wobbly and then it dawned on me that if tea was ready Mum hadn’t woken me when she first got in. When I came into the house I said, ‘I’m not hungry Mum, just very tired.’

‘Okay,’ said Mum, ‘I will put your tea in the oven. Me and your Dad are going to the British Legion tonight so when Joan comes she can warm it up for you and you can have it later.’

When Joan came I must still have been asleep and then I heard her in the kitchen. I went to get up but felt dizzy again. Joan came in with my tea, There you go sunshine, let’s get some food down you, you’ve been asleep for ages.’

I really liked Joan; she would always play snakes and ladders with me but that night I could hardly stay awake and by 9.30 Joan was leaning over me looking really worried.

‘Jacqui stay on the couch while I go across the road to use Elsie’s phone, your breathing’s not right.’

When Elsie opened the door she said, ‘It’s Jacqui, isn’t it? That child has looked poorly for a while now.’

‘I know that’s why I have come across. Can I use the phone? She needs an ambulance.’

Elsie said, ‘You go back to Jacqui, love, I will ring for the ambulance and ring the Legion to get her Mum and Dad.’

When the ambulance came, the paramedics took one look at me and whisked me off to Warrington general where the doctors examined me and diagnosed bronchial pneumonia. I stayed in Warrington General for. Missing out on so much schooling meant I was well behind the other children; I couldn’t yet read or write. You’re all probably thinking that up to now my life has been very much like yours and as you get further into the book you may still feel the same I sincerely hope and pray that you don’t.

Chapter 3

E ach school I attended, well there were only three but to me it felt like I had spent my whole life there and to be honest I wish I had because if I thought being spat at and called despicable names then I was in for a big shock later on in life. There was one boy at high school who never mixed well with anyone but always had a smile for me when he saw me in assembly. I later found out his name was Ray; he was cute and he reminded me of Scott Baio from ‘Happy Days’, a television series set in the seventies. He must have been every girl’s television heart throb. Stop it Jacqui, you’re day dreaming again.

If I fancied him then so would every other girl in the school; what chance would some scruffy nobody like me have? More, he was two years my senior. We often saw each other in the corridor and after a few he started saying hi. I just blushed and carried on walking that first time. I was stood there staring into space when a slap came from nowhere; I was startled for a few seconds then I heard a girl shouting, ‘Hands off Duncalf, he’s mine!’

Then there was a gang of them spitting and kicking me. A dinner lady stopped the fight but, instead of sending us all to the head mistress, she only sent me.

‘What’s wrong with you child can’t you ever stay out of trouble?’

I was about to answer her when she said, ‘For the rest of the day, you can clean all the corridors. Now get out of my sight.’

After that I avoided Ray completely; he was to leave school in a couple of weeks. Those two weeks were torture for me as I thought I would never see Ray again but the day following his departure and after the school day had ended, I was standing at the school bus stop waiting for bus B to Barnton when I heard the sound of a motorbike coming towards the bus stop. There were lots of girls and I heard one of the girls say, ‘Whoever is on that motorbike is heading this way!’

All the girls were getting excited especially when the rider took his helmet off. There was no mistaking the jet black hair and piercing blue eyes; it was Ray. My heart was beating like a drum; just looking at him made my legs turn to jelly. He was getting closer to where we were standing and the girl who had slapped me was there too.

‘Hey girls, hard luck this one’s mine.’

I turned around to see her grinning like a Cheshire cat, and then turned back to look at Ray. It was then that I realised he was actually walking towards me.

‘Hi, Jacqui, would you like a lift home? I’ve brought a spare helmet just in case you might say yes.’

I quickly said that I was sorry but my Dad would kill me. All the other girls were shouting, ‘Forget her Ray, she’s a nobody!’

Then they were all chanting, ‘Scaredy cat Jack, the mardy arsed brat.’

I must have gone off day dreaming again; me on the back of a bike with the school heart throb.

‘I take it you don’t want to then.’ I could see the hurt in his eyes. What the other girls didn’t know was that Ray wasn’t a flashy show off; in fact he was really shy. It’s then that I thought it must have taken a lot of courage to ask me and so, without even thinking about the consequences, I said that I would love to and, leaving the girls gob smacked, we set off. From that time on I was going to ignore the bullies and try to get through the next fifteen months which I had left in school unharmed. When we arrived at my home safe and sound, Dad was gardening. When he saw me getting off the bike, he walked towards me looking furious. Dad had never smacked my sister or me so I knew he would soon calm down for he was a big softie at heart. Once, when I was little, my Dad was late home from work and it was pouring down outside. Mum was really angry when he came in through the front door instead of the back. She started shouting the second he set foot into the living room, ‘Where’s your bloody bike?’

On and on she went then I noticed Dad was bone dry. I rudely interrupted Mum saying, ‘Daddy, how come you’re not wet?’

Dad picked me up and said, ‘I dodged the