Love, Sex, & Marriage Volume 1: The Growing Years

By Barrington O. Burrell Ph.D

This is a valuable book on the topical subjects of love, sex and marriage, from a practical Christian perspective. The author uses clear, understandable language to point out the God-given purpose of sex in marriage, and some of the potential dangers of sexual abuse. He explores the early beginnings of new-born babies and their subsequent growth over the years to puberty and adolescence. Teenagers are like strangers in a foreign country. They are experiencing a difficult period of transition between childhood and adulthood. At this crucial stage of their development, young people have a keen interest in fashion, music and sex. Many are sexually active, and some begin to think about marriage and family life, although they often confuse love with lust, and they are not mature enough to assume the responsibility of parenthood.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Apr 9, 2013
• ISBN: 9781479799558

Barrington O. Burrell Ph.D

DR. BARRINGTON O. BURRELL PH.D has been a senior minister in the New Testament Church of God (UK) for over forty-two years. He is a bishop, counsellor, Bible teacher, and family life conference speaker. He is a graduate from the Ebenezer Bible Institute in Switzerland, and he has earned his Ph.D degree in Theology from Ashley University in California USA. His profound love for humanity, coupled with a distinct call of God, has brought him face to face with the practical and spiritual issues of today’s generation. He is married to beautiful Maxine, his faithful companion and tremendous asset to the ministry. They are blessed with two grown-up children and four gorgeous grandchildren. He is very committed to his lovely family.

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Copyright © 2013 by Barrington O. Burrell.

First published in Great Britain in 1983

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Unless otherwise indicated, all Scriptures quoted are from the AUTHORISED (KING JAMES) VERSION of the Holy Bible; the text of which is the property of the Crown in perpetuity.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked TLB are taken from THE LIVING BIBLE, copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are from the NEW KING JAMES VERSION®, of the Holy Bible, copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked RSV are from the REVISED STANDARD VERSION of the Holy Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, and 1971 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Any emphasis within Scripture quotations is the author’s own.

Rev. date: 04/04/2013

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CONTENTS

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1  Age of Innocence ~0-2 years~

Learning to Talk

What Causes Stammering?

Discovering Independence

Chapter 2  Age of Imitation ~2-3 Years~

Temper Tantrums

The Sleep Fiasco

Chapter 3  Age of Anatomy ~3-4 Years~

Bedwetting

The Chatting Phase

Chapter 4  Age of Initiative ~4-5 Years~

Language and Communication

Physical Activities

Social and Emotional Development

Talking to Children about Death

Chapter 5  The Fairy Tale Age ~5-6 Years~

Chapter 6  Age of Industry ~6-8 Years~

Chapter 7  Age of Pre-puberty ~8-10 Years~

Chapter 8  Age of Puberty ~11-18 Years~

Chapter 9  Understanding and Guiding Teenagers

Teenage Mood Swings

Parenting Teenagers

The Church And Its Teenagers

Chapter 10  Teenagers and Sex

Sexting And Cybersex

From Sexting to Cybersex

The Sexual Difference Between Boys and Girls

The Sexual Differences Between Humans and Animals

Non-Penetrative Sex

Five Reasons Why Young People Should Avoid Pre-marital Sex

What About Teenage Pregnancy?

If you are Already Pregnant…

Sex Is Best Reserved For Marriage

Chapter 11  The Practice of Masturbation

Infantile Masturbation

Masturbation In Adolescence

Is Masturbation Good or Bad for Teenagers?

Chapter 12  The Abuse and Misuse of Sex

Fornication is an Abuse and Misuse of Sex

God Intended Sex to be an Expression of Mutual Love

•   The Psychological Problems

•   Premarital Sex is Detrimental to One’s Character.

•   Illicit Relationships Make Sex More of an Obligation Than an Expression of Love.

•   Premarital Sex Can Destroy One’s Confidence and Security.

Dealing With Sexual Temptations

What About Those Who Have Already Crossed the Line?

Chapter 13  Preparing For Marriage

Save Your Money

Avoid Flirting

Age for Courtship and Marriage

The Choice Of A Spouse

Engagement

The Unequal Yoke

Sex And Marital Preparation

The Wedding Night

What if the Bride is a Virgin?

References

DEDICATION

This book is affectionately dedicated to my darling wife Maxine with whom I have shared over forty years of my life, and to our two wonderful children, Lorna and Robert, and four gorgeous grandchildren, who have brought added joy into our marriage and family.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Firstly, I wish to acknowledge with profound gratitude those students, who allowed me the privilege of sharing the subject of ‘Love, Sex and Marriage’, with them, in the Bible Institute for Ministers and Lay Enrichment (BIME). They were a source of inspiration to me, and the idea of writing this book was their suggestion. I subsequently took the matter to the LORD, and He confirmed it.

I also owe a debt of gratitude to my many friends and colleagues, who have encouraged me during the preparation of the manuscripts for both volumes. My deep gratitude goes to the audiences and discussion groups to whom I have been honoured to speak on numerous occasions, for their questions, deliberations and feedbacks, from which I have gained knowledge and experiences related to the issues in this book. I am extremely grateful to all those who confidently engaged me in their problems, through personal counselling, or just in an advisory capacity.

I wish to thank the authors that I have acknowledged in the reference notes for their contributions, and permission to make the appropriate quotations.

I am particularly grateful to the Revds. Issachar Lewinson, Ronaldo Brown Terrence Caine and Lloyd Ellis, who read the manuscript of the first edition, made corrections and gave invaluable comments. Special thanks to Lloyd Ellis, for also writing the preface at such short notice. I wish to express sincere thanks to Vivienne Welsh who typed the first manuscript and to Moira Morgan for typing the final manuscripts of the first edition. Thanks to Kevin Tomlin, who has been very helpful in preparing the line drawings, for which I am most appreciative. I am grateful to Genesis Gamra for his assistance with the cover design and technical support. Last but not least, special appreciation is expressed to my beloved wife Maxine, who suffered much inconvenience during the time of writing. She deserves a gold medal for her patience or tolerance.

Barrington O. Burrell

PREFACE

The previous version of this book caused quite a stir in the Church among many older traditionalists, who view ‘sex’ as a taboo, and found the explicitness of the publication horrifically graphic. For this reason, ‘Love Sex and Marriage’ made me unpopular with some people, probably those same people, who have not clarified their own sexual values—the beliefs, prejudices, thoughts, and feelings they have about sex. Despite this, the book has earned the respect of many believers who have been struck by its undeniable reality and spiritual dimension. Consequently, many positive testimonies emanated, and a large number of people encouraged me to write a sequel.

What is the reality? It is that these sexual issues have been suppressed for far too long and not without serious consequences for individuals, as well as the church and the wider community. One can understand that a book of this genre—emerging in the church at the time of its first publication (1983)—would have been frightening, if not shocking to many of its unprepared readers.

Nevertheless, times have changed, and the church has moved on. This revised edition is the result of more thorough research, strategic thinking and a practical approach. I have attempted to present the material with more precision and depth, in a manner which better represents my thinking, without distracting from the essence of the original concept. Of course, this is subject to the reappraisal of those who had acquainted themselves with the previous version, but from my perspective, this new edition is more educational, straightforward, informative and practical. Volume two is published under the title, Love, Sex and Marriage—Maximised Adulthood.

Love, sex and marriage are three of the paramount concerns of life, which have preoccupied the minds and thoughts of human beings ever since the beginning of the human race, and have now engaged the attention of the corporate media. These three key elements are among mankind’s basic needs, and the values we should ascribe to them are more numerous and significant than the negative characteristics of the many individuals involved, the legal framework, and the frequent abuses that plague contemporary society.

Today, moral standards have collapsed. Many people are ignorant of the god-given purpose of sex, and some are confused about their own sexual identity. Love is often confounded with lust, and represents nothing more than an illicit affair, for many people throughout the global society. The increasing trend for promiscuity has eroded chastity and fidelity. Marriage has virtually lost its sanctity in many circles, and is no longer ‘until death us do part’. Indeed, it is often only until one spouse meets someone else who can make him or her feel better. If young people are willing to learn, this volume (and volume two) will provide answers that will help to save their marriage (or future marriage), and create the relationship of their dreams.

This is a concise, but concentrated book, which is not only informative and insightful, but advocates the advantages of chastity before marriage. The book warns against the deluge of unrestrained self-indulgence, and presents the challenge of a disciplined life from the biblical perspective. I sincerely trust the readers will find this book inspiring and beneficial to them in the context of these very important subjects.

Barrington O. Burrell

INTRODUCTION

I am fully cognizant of the promiscuity of this generation; the sexual obscurity in Christian circles, the many unfulfilled marriages, the child-battering, and the unhealthy relationships between many parents and their teenagers. This awareness has been a part of my motivation for writing this book and volume two. Love, sex and marriage impact all dimensions of human existence, from infancy to old age.

A proliferation of excellent Christian material has already been written on the subject matter, and I do not wish to add another book to these, without any significance for its existence. Therefore, this is a book with a difference—the first of a frank, straightforward two-volume series in which I attempt to ‘touch the ‘untouchables’ and ‘speak the ‘unspeakable’, from a Christian and practical perspectives. Here, we start at the beginning—exploring the growing years—from birth to adolescence, and beyond.

Growing Up

The information provided about children growing up from birth to 18 years is a guide only. Children develop at different rates and in distinct ways. If you are worried about your children’s development or if your children’s development is very unlike other children of the same age, talk with a health adviser or your doctor. This will help to give you some assurance and save you unnecessary worry.

It is an indisputable biological and scientific fact that all living things grow. None of us were born big. As a matter of fact, we have a tendency to resent people who treat us as though we were born big. How often do we hear people ask, ‘Do you think I was born big?’ ‘Do you think I was born yesterday?’ Of course, these are implying the same thing; we all began as a tiny cell and grew into a baby, and continued to grow and develop after birth through different stages and phases until we became adults.

Many of us are now parents. Good relationships with our children are crucial. If we are to avoiding the common errors parents often make in the training and disciplining of their children, we must understand the various stages of our children’s growth and development. This fundamentally involves two things:

1.)   A knowledge of the physical growth and development of a child’s mind and body.

2.)   An understanding of the psychological changes and differences in children.

The latter will assist parents or those who care for children to understand how children think, and provide an insight into their behavioural patterns. It is this psychological aspect of development on which I would like us to focus our attention initially, looking at areas we can celebrate, and exploring issues we can deliberate. This will then help to establish the foundation for healthy relationships, and provide some spiritual tools to address the sexual challenges of the emerging generation.

Parents must be aware of the individual differences in children, and not expect their child, for example, to be the same height as, or behave like, the next door neighbour’s child, who is the same age. They are different. These differences result from glandular balance, heredity, nutritional conditions and the varying family circumstances.

‘For children in any preschool classroom setting, the differences in temperament, personality, intelligence, achievement, and physical factors such as height and weight, are noteworthy and reflect a wide range of normal variation. Some children grow rapidly and others grow less fast. Furthermore, there are racial and gender developmental variations.’¹ Despite these normal differences, many children with extreme differences are identified as having special needs. However, children of all ages have certain definite needs which must be met if they are to develop normally and behave in a desirable way.²

Since children are different, the methods of management used will also have to be distinct. The methods that work in one family may not work in another. Therefore, it is obvious that if we understand why our children behave the way they do; we will be better equipped to manage them. Throughout this section, I use the masculine pronoun ‘he’ in reference to a child for simplification, rather than gender classification. Children from as early as two years of age begin to recognise physical differences, and ask pertinent questions, which require educational answers.

Animals learn primarily from instinct; God created them this way. On the contrary, human beings (homo-sapiens—Latin, which means ‘wise men’) were uniquely designed with a mind and a brain to be educated. Humans use education and teaching to pass on skills, ideas and customs to the next generation. Their lives depend on learning. Unlike calves, cubs, foals, and kids, etc., human babies are virtually helpless, and have to rely totally on their parents for everything, including education.

Human Sexual growth and development occur throughout