Beguiled by Brothers: A Healing Methodology for Pastors Who Deal with Betrayal from Church Members

By Dr. Joseph S. Nemer

There are many books and published articles on the subject of problem people in churches. They define and diagnose the issue, but information on how to deal with it seems miniscule. In this book you will find a remedial approach that offers not only practical ways to deal with betrayal from church people but emotional healing from its sting as well.

Beguiled by Brothers may simply be the seminal work on the subject of betrayal ever written for the church. Its waters will refresh and heal the betrayed. Drink deep of them and find biblical understanding, biblical answers, practical application, and the comfort of Gods sovereignty.

Bob Jones III, Chancellor, Bob Jones University

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jul 8, 2013
• ISBN: 9781490800783

Dr. Joseph S. Nemer

Joseph S. Nemer was born and raised in Detroit and came to know Christ at the age of thirteen. He earned his BA at Pillsbury College, MDiv from Central Baptist Seminary Minneapolis, ThM from Detroit Baptist Theological Seminary, and his DMin from Bob Jones University. Joseph has forty years in ministry, thirty-two of them as senior pastor of Bible Baptist Church of Howell, Michigan. He learned interpersonal skills from years in corporate management and the pastorate. He’s also conducted a counseling ministry in a church setting. He has been married to the former Jacqueline Tidwell for forty-six years and resides in Howell, Michigan, where they have been for thirty years. They have three grown children and ten grandchildren. The author is sixty-eight years old

Book preview

BEGUILED

by

BROTHERS

A Healing Methodology for

Pastors Who Deal with Betrayal

from Church Members

DR. JOSEPH S. NEMER

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Copyright © 2013 Dr. Joseph S. Nemer.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-0069-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-0070-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-0078-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013912077

WestBow Press rev. date: 07/05/13

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1       Betrayal: Biblical Examples, Specific Types, And Warning Signs

Chapter 2       Pretenders, Personalities, And Parsons

Chapter 3       Effects From The Affection

Chapter 4       Can You Say, Boundaries?

Chapter 5       An Ounce Of Correction

Chapter 6       Thriving In The Aftermath

Chapter 7       Conclusion

Appendix 1       Case Studies From Pastoral Survey

Appendix 2       Guidelines For Church Conflicts

Sources

Endnotes

To my wife, Jacqueline, whose love, loyalty, and encouragement have never wavered over the years. She has been steadfast and faithful in the sunshine and shadows of life. Her help to me all the days of this earthly existence I cannot adequately acknowledge.

Introduction

The thorn from the bush one has planted, nourished, and pruned

pricks more deeply and draws more blood.

—Maya Angelou

Dealing with difficult people is one of the most problematic and strenuous tasks for pastors who are called by God to faithfully preach Christ and His Word and to unselfishly serve their congregations. While ministry work can be very fulfilling and rewarding, it also involves extremely painful and demoralizing experiences. In short, church members can make life miserable for a pastor, his wife, and his children.

Richard W. De Haan, recalling earlier years when his father was a pastor, talked about how the misunderstandings, the false accusations, and the opposition, especially from those within the church, can sap the energy and frustrate the efforts of even the most dedicated servant of the Lord.¹ Indeed, that experience is not isolated. Consider some of the sobering results from a 1991 survey of pastors by the Fuller Institute of Church Growth:²

• 80 percent believed that pastoral ministry negatively affected their families.

• 33 percent said that being in the ministry was an outright hazard to their family.

• 70 percent said they had lower self-esteem now than when they started out in ministry.

• 40 percent reported a serious conflict with a parishioner at least once a month.

• 70 percent did not have someone they considered a close friend.

Of course, the case can and should be made that the role of a pastor, or any public figure, is open to evaluation, regular review, and, yes, constructive criticism. A pastor needs this kind of legitimate criticism to assist him in evaluating his performance. He also needs to realize that there will be occasions when people attack his integrity. In other words, criticism could become abusive because it attacks his person rather than his performance. This is to be expected.

Edwin H. Friedman writes, Some people either deify or crucify religious leaders. There is often no middle ground.³ The pastor, therefore, must prepare himself to receive criticism, both legitimate and abusive. There is no way to avoid it. One public official had a plaque on his wall with these words: To avoid criticism: Do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.⁴

The problem, however, goes much deeper than just dealing with criticism from people in the church. It is even more serious than the occasional emotional stress a pastor experiences from having to minister to parishioners who are openly rebels and pathological troublemakers—the ones who sit up nights trying to think of ways to make life miserable for the pastor. While such individuals do cause stress for the pastor, these are not the ones who are the focus of this book.

The subject at hand can be succinctly stated in a question. How can a pastor (and his family) deal with sincere, well-meaning, loyal church members who ultimately betray his friendship, undermine the church’s ministry, and generally make him question God’s calling, not to mention his sanity? The reason the pastor’s family is involved is that they also must deal with the emotional stress. As will be argued, what affects the pastor affects his wife and children.

The specific focus of the book will be on dealing with betrayal from church members. Specifically, what is this betrayal, and what methods do the pastor and his family need to employ to prevent it? Also, how should they deal with the results of it? How can they objectively and biblically deal with the pain of the betrayal? As statistics and case studies will demonstrate, this problem is pervasive in churches, and therefore a biblical methodology of addressing it is needed.

I have a simple, threefold purpose in writing this book. First, I want to give pastors and their families an understanding of church members’ betrayal. Often in the heat of the battle, emotions take control and logic goes out the window. Irrational thoughts lead to faulty conclusions about people, ministry work, and God. There needs to be a clear understanding as to why this betrayal and its resultant pain are happening.

Second, it will provide partial instruction, outlining the preventive and corrective steps to address the problem of church-member betrayal. It will offer a remedial approach to the problem based on biblical principles. In that sense, it will serve as a manual of arms for the pastor and his family.

Last, and perhaps most important, my passionate goal is to bring hope and encouragement to those who are dealing with the effects and aftermath of betrayal. It will offer strategies for spiritual and emotional healing and restoration for the pastor and his family. It will issue a clarion call to weary warriors to remain steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord and offer an alternative to living in the backwash of betrayal.

Admittedly, there are several books and articles that cover the general topic of dealing with problem people in the local church. Numerous other books on church administration devote some discussion to it, albeit minuscule. Ernest Pickering’s book, For the Hurting Pastor,⁵ is more specific in that it narrows the field of problem people down to those who criticize the pastor. Some of those criticisms are justified, and some are nitpicking, according to Pickering’s discussion. He addresses some of pastors’ failures that elicit criticism. He also addresses church members concerning their responsibility to be careful in how they criticize their pastor.⁶ However, he does not cover the specific area of betrayal from church members, nor does he include the pastor’s family among those being hurt.

Marshall Shelley also wrote a book on problem people in the church called Well-Intentioned Dragons.⁷ Shelley discusses how to recognize these people and categorizes them with colorful names (e.g., the Bird Dog, the Wet Blanket, the Entrepreneur, Captain Bluster).⁸ He uses the term well-intentioned to describe these people as well-meaning and not consciously trying to cause hurt. He even makes an occasional reference to a pastor feeling betrayed. A particular pastor who was forced to resign because of the influence of a deacon said, I was shocked. I felt betrayed and isolated. I was innocent, and yet this incident cost me my job.⁹ Shelley’s approach is that the pastor should take a proactive approach by encouraging a positive atmosphere, cultivating trust with people, and turning dissidents into disciples. The strategies he describes are a great help.

However, like Pickering’s book, Shelley does not discuss the hurt experienced by the pastor’s family. He also does not consider how to deal with the emotional pain, fear, anger, bitterness, and rejection of personal betrayal. In all fairness, he talks about giving it time, keeping perspective, and forgiving.

Having personally experienced many of the things about which I write, and after almost four decades of pastoral ministry, I wish to describe the very personal nature of betrayal. In other words, whatever a church member’s hurtful actions, they still are perceived by the pastor and his family as a personal betrayal of trust and friendship. The pastor trusted the person to be a faithful and loyal friend, but that trust and confidence was betrayed. When the sting of betrayal is present, the pastor does not give a lot of attention to whether the person was well-intentioned.

The book Coping with Stress in the Minister’s Home by Robert Bailey and Mary Francis does address the subject of stress in a pastor’s home caused by problems in the church.¹⁰ Its thrust, however, is subjective (coping with stress) instead of objective (dealing with those causing the stress). I will include both of those elements.

There are numerous articles that discuss interpersonal relationships in the church, addressing critics, church division, and non-church-related problems in a pastor’s family. They are tangential to this study. Although they give helpful advice in particular areas of addressing betrayal, my intent is to present a methodology of dealing with betrayal from church members. While some authors, such as Robert Dale,¹¹ discuss survival tactics for the minister, this study will attempt to show that simply surviving in the pastorate is not the crucial issue. Although survival skills will be discussed, dealing with the effects of betrayal by applying biblical principles will be the crux of what you will read here.

As interesting as it might sound, and as much as I would like to address it, this book will not include the subject of betrayal between church members. It will be limited to the pastor and his family in a local