The Audacity of Breaking Free!

By Emmanuel Chinyamakobvu

The Audacity of Breaking Free!

The Audacity of Breaking Free is a recollection of the time I spent in the war fighting for the liberation and independence of Zimbabwe and the following events long after that war. I have tried to be as realistic, honest and true to the events as they happened according to my recollection more than three decades later. I did not have any notes written during the war or after, as a consequence, my minds eye is likely to see things differently from others who went through the same war or similar experiences of that war. I have used many quotes attributing them to certain individuals, but again all these quotes are from my memory and therefore may be remembered differently from others recollection. Experiences in the war were mentally troubling for me and many others who were directly and indirectly involved in it. The rural population had no better fate as they were often caught in the cross fire or assaulted for lending support to the war. Long after the war the day to day life did not seem to mean anything anymore for war veterans like me.






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• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 28, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481710084

Emmanuel Chinyamakobvu

Emmanuel Chinyamakobvu, the author of: The Intricate Mediators of the Land Reform in Zimbabwe, The Audacity of Breaking Free, Thou shall not be caught, The Farm on Their Land, The trail of a promiscuous spouse and Evil on the prowl: was born in the then Southern Rhodesia, and the present day Republic of Zimbabwe. He went to a number of primary schools in rural Rhodesia before enrolling for secondary education which he eventually completed in independent Zimbabwe. He later obtained college degrees in Agronomic Engineering, Agronomy, and Environment Management. In between college he lectured at the Harare Polytechnic, before joining the Department of Natural Resources. During his tenure in the Department of Natural Resources he participated in the negotiation process of the United Nations Convention to Combat Desertification (UNCCD) on behalf of the government of Zimbabwe. He later joined the UNCCD Secretariat. While with the United Nations, he practiced sustainable environmental management and rural development with a close linkage to poverty alleviation. Given his exposure to the work of the UNCCD, he worked with diverse stakeholder groupings, facilitating conferences of multilateral negotiations between country Parties, institutions and organizations. In the later years, his work with the UNCCD, also involved policy advocacy and partnership building between countries and development partners (donors). During his young and more adventurous years, Emmanuel participated in the Second Chimurenga that brought about the independence of Zimbabwe. It was his experiences in that war that inspired his book, The Audacity of Breaking Free.

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© 2013 by Emmanuel Chinyamakobvu. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/24/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-1009-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-1008-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013901454

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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This is a true story, a reality and original narrative . . . one of its own kind. The book is authentic and, perhaps, unique . . . . a convincing first-hand experience account from a War Veteran dealing with the pre and post Second Chimurenga in Zimbabwe which can capture a wider readership scale particularly . . . . war veterans, their families, politicians and other interested groups. Rebecca Munetsi, Freelance Journalist, Prime Focus Magazine, Namibia

In The Audacity of Breaking Free, the author brilliantly captures both the expectations and the disillusion of Zimbabwe’s liberation War Veterans. He manages to recreate the universal conflict between illusion and reality—the hope that comes when a people dare to be free . . . . Anonymous

The Audacity of Breaking Free is a realistic story that depicts the life of those African generations that carried the burden of dislodging colonialism. The story is simply written making it easy to read by the general public . . . especially children who deserve to know the history of their countries. Definitely, the book would be useful in schools. Congratulations! Nima Bah BARRY, Conakry, Guinea

To my late parents

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I woke up suddenly with a wild look on my face. I was all wet with sweat. Nokutenda, my girlfriend, I simply called her Noku, kept staring at me without saying a word. Still half-seated in bed, I looked outside through the window, to be welcomed by a bright morning. The sun was already up in the sky. I had overslept well into the morning. I looked at the clock hanging on the wall. It was already twenty-three minutes to nine o’clock. For a while I remained seated on the bed, trying to figure out what day of the week it was. I was relieved to realise that it was a Saturday morning.

Good Lord, thank heavens it’s a weekend. I threw myself back on the bed.

Good morning, late morning sleeper.

Good morning early bird. How are you this morning, dear?

Noku’s reply was, Worried.

Worried? What do you mean by worried? What is worrying you?

You. You are worrying me.

What do you mean me? I sat up in the bed to look Noku directly into the face. I think you need to explain yourself. What is it that I have done to worry you? Do you want to talk about it, dear?

Noku remarked, As a matter of fact, I think it is you who owes me an explanation. I wish to know whatever it is that is worrying you.

Wait a minute. I raised my left arm. Please don’t confuse me. Let me get this clear. You want to tell me that it’s me who is worried. In turn, because I am worried, you are also worried. I don’t understand this. I still insist that you explain yourself.

Yes. You are the source of my worries. Or I should say there is something about you that worries me. She came to sit next to me. All morning I have been sitting here watching you sleep. You were not at peace in your sleep. You were restless. You should have seen your face when you woke up. You looked like somebody who was looking death in the eye, like someone who feared for his poor life. Even as you were sleeping you were like someone who was fighting for his dear life.

Ah well, is that all? I asked casually, You almost made me think that I had done something wrong and very offending. I was having a nightmare. I am going to tell you all about it, but not now. I am too hungry to talk, please. I hoped to brush Noku’s worries aside. But knowing her as I did, she was not one who could be easily pushed aside.

It is not the first time I have observed this. This has been going on for a long time. But for today it has been too much for me to keep my silence. All night you have been talking in your sleep like a person who was desperately in need of help. What kind of nightmares are these? I don’t think I can stand them forever. I hate to see you suffering. I almost had a sleepless night, because you were talking all night. Don’t you think you need to tell me more to put my mind at rest? She was looking helpless like someone whose life depended on whatever it was I was supposed to tell her.

I think you deserve to know everything, Noku. But I cannot tell you much now. All I can say is that it was one of the worst nightmares I have ever had. I dreamt I was in the war and we were under siege. It was terrible. If it were a real life situation, I don’t think anybody would survive that kind of battle. I narrated the dream to Noku as she sat beside me, listening attentively.

After telling her of my nightmare, I said, I agree with you. It is not the first time I have had such restless nights. But I never thought you were aware of it. That part of my past has visited me in my sleep for as long as I can remember. In any case, it is not anything to worry yourself about. It will one day come to pass.

I wish I could believe that, but I am sorry that I cannot. It has been going on for as long as I have known you and it appears as though it is getting worse as time passes. I believe it will be to our common interest if you see a doctor or some specialist of some kind.

Do you think that will help?

There is no harm in trying. She stood up. I will get breakfast ready.

I stayed in bed thinking about Noku’s suggestion that I should see a doctor, whilst breakfast was being prepared. I was reluctant to visit any physician. I never thought nightmares were problems to write home about, even though I was experiencing these bad dreams more frequently all of a sudden. I was convinced that someday they would disappear naturally, the same way they had come. But Noku would have nothing of that, and the following Monday she dragged me to the doctor.

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The best way to forget anything is not to think about it, so I thought. Every day I tried as much as I could to forget all I had experienced in the second Chimurenga. I had never wanted to be reminded of the dreadful events of that war. Never. Neither had I ever wanted to be involved in any discussion that had to do with that war. Nor had I ever wanted even my closest colleagues to know that I took part in that war. No.

It is not because I didn’t want to be associated with that war. No. Far be it for me to suggest that. Neither is it because I was ashamed of having participated in it. No. Instead, it is the best thing I have ever achieved in my real life. It was precisely because I thought I would forget the dreadful events of that war.

Many people tend to think that returning to a ‘normal life’ after fighting a war is a quick and painless process. But how much do ordinary people out there understand about what you have experienced and the kind of support you now need? In reality, coming home can be quite difficult for you long after the war. The doctor said, Beyond the homecoming welcomes by families and friends, you endure a quiet struggle in private.

As if addressing Noku more than me, the doctor said, "Coming home from the war begins and ends with a homecoming. But the war does not end when the returning war veteran arrives home. For these men and women, it is just the beginning of a long road home. It’s the journey to come that is the challenge. Homecoming and the arrival home is the easy part, but what follows is a complicated transition to civilian life long after the war.

"He has to cope with those who are so blissfully ignorant of the war and all its obscenities of violence. He may resent them, because he may not understand that he is the one who has changed and must react accordingly. Any armed conflict, because of landmines, bombs air raids, ambushes, surprise attacks, name them, have kept him in a perpetual state of vigilance with explosive moments of adrenalin and despair.

"In order to really understand what it takes to come home, you have to return to the war zone where you were. Remember, you were exposed to all sorts of violence associated with war. The war you fought was a particularly brutal conflict. It was a guerrilla war of hidden explosives, and ambush attacks. It was a war where there were no frontlines and no safety zones. You inevitably dived into the pool of your own emotions. Unfortunately it becomes difficult to reach the surface again. You just sink further into the darkness.

"The memories of the dead you saw throughout the war, the daily injuries you endured, amongst many other things, will remain as constant reminders of the terrifying reality of life for you. It has everything to do with being in an extremely stressful situation where your life and the lives of your comrades were on the line day in and day out, seven days a week, along with seeing those comrades and civilians alike killed or severely wounded. You inevitably get a wounded soul and lacerated emotions.

"But it’s not only the memories of death and devastating injuries of war that is likely to destroy your life and that of many other veterans; the mental impact these experiences have can be catastrophic too. Anyone involved in combat will suffer mental distress after leaving the war zone. It’s inevitable. You will still get depressed sometimes when you remember those dead bodies you saw. In my opinion, the memories of these horrible incidents are deep-rooted and most probably you will never forget them.

"The transitional shock alone can be hard to process for those that were at war for years. Under constant threat, your comrades became family. Indeed, not to mention the trauma from combat combined with the stresses of long family separations that often make homecoming and reintegration into civilian life the most unexpectedly difficult part of life for war veterans.

It’s not easy to return from war where you were surrounded by the obscenities of violence and where you now must switch into civilian life without a struggle. I don’t mean to scare you, but I want you to know that you will inevitably find things going wrong on and off for quite some time. How many years did you spend in the war?

Why? Nearly three years? Those years were some of the hardest times of my young life, but also some of the proudest. Unlike so many others, I was lucky to walk away without any physical injuries. God chose to spare my life and I am very thankful. It angers me when I hear people talking bad about this great country and the war veterans. How dare they stay in their comfort zones and be critical of the very people who sacrificed their all for the independence of this nation, for their liberties and their freedoms they are so fond of abusing? Freedom isn’t free and should not be taken lightly.

The doctor said, Usually, the longer someone has been fighting a war, the more difficult it will be to adjust to being at home. It can be confusing to come home to people and things that have changed whilst you were gone. Even your family members and friends will need time to adjust to you being back home.

My experience with the war was mentally troublesome for me. I had had my fair share of the second Chimurenga and I had lost comrades and friends. I had lost ordinary villagers I had become so attached to during the war. Over the years, we had lived amongst villagers and we had literally become part of their extended families. Many times they buried our dead and we grieved together over our sad losses in the fighting. The villagers had no better fate; they were often caught in the crossfire or assaulted for lending support to the comrades and the war.

In private, my day to day life did not seem to mean anything anymore. I withdrew and pulled back from friends and family. The only people I wanted to or could talk to were people who had undergone similar experiences. Because to them I would not need to explain just how much one can possibly be scared. It would not be necessary to describe to them how a coming motor bomb or a propelled rocket grenade is unsettling or to try to convey how sickening it gets sleeping under wet blankets. They would know it already. I wanted to talk, but couldn’t.

I went back to school. It was a good idea in the eyes of many, but in actual fact I was shutting myself off. I found it very hard to talk to my long-time girlfriend, Sarah, who I had met before going to war, because when in conversation about my time at war she had little or no points of reference. Sarah soon realised that we could not plan long-term for the future. It was not possible to discuss any plans with me.

It was like I was frozen in time and could not conceive of the day after tomorrow. There was resignation and a lack of intimacy. Our relationship broke down eventually. Now, years later, I still suffered from nightmares and anger, avoiding crowds and loud noises. I was at times noticeably more alert. Those many terrible things that I saw still kept me up many nights. I still dreamt of being in those places almost every night. I at times drank myself to sleep and still held the world at a distance.

Noku had been listening attentively. So what can he do to make the transition easier?

The doctor said, "To be honest, there is no medication that can be given to any veteran of war to address the kind of problems we are discussing here.

The doctor explained that the long-term effect of combat and warfront fatigue didn’t seem to have a cure; they came and went, causing terrible nightmares and often flared during certain situations in one’s ordinary life for decades. The treatment of drugs and therapies often did not work well at all with many persons.

He then counselled, What you need is to give yourself time to adjust. Don’t have expectations of yourself that are too high. It will take time to get back in the swing of things, and that’s okay. Let your family and friends know that you need time. Also, make them aware of your preferences about talking about being in the war. If you don’t want them asking you questions, tell them you would rather not talk about it. If you need someone to talk to, let them know you need their support.

Turning to Noku, the doctor said, "You need not worry yourself much. The majority of war veterans often eventually reconnect successfully with their families and home communities. It is natural that he could be extremely moody and combative for several years and have recurring bad dreams, but with the right support he should be able to overcome the experiences.

"However, those who face serious challenges require more support to avoid the unthinkable. Some end up committing suicide. It won’t be surprising that more war veterans would commit suicide long after the war than during the actual conflict. Many just become broken men and women.

"You being a family member, let him know that he has your support. He should know that no matter how bad it gets, you will be there for him every step of the way. Don’t ask too many questions, in case he doesn’t wish to talk about it, but let him know that you are there if he needs you.

"Be patient with him, and don’t expect