Drowning: A Steamy FF Romance Novel

By Briar Lane

I thought walking away was the hardest thing I'd ever do, but walking back feels harder. 

As soon as I graduated, I ran away from my hometown. Ran away from my crazy religious parents, ran away from the judgment, and ran away from what I couldn't accept about myself. And all of that wouldn't be so bad... if I hadn't also run away from my best friend. 

But now I'm forced by circumstance to come back. And I'm terrified. Because I made a lot of mistakes in leaving, some of the worst mistakes of my life. I don't know if I've grown up enough to face them. I don't know if I can face Amy. 

Or, even worse, if she doesn't forgive me... I don't know if I can survive walking away again.

Nobody has ever made me feel as good and as bad as she does. 

I've never been as close to anyone as I was to Jessica. But she just left when I was at my most vulnerable. She did worse than that, in fact. There are things I don't know if I can forgive, things I never planned to forgive. 

And then she just waltzes back into my life unexpectedly I'm supposed to just forgive her? What if I don't want to forgive her? But that's the problem, I do want to forgive her. I want to have her as my best friend again... and so much more. 

But I'm terrified of what is going to happen if I allow myself to love her again.

This is a standalone lesbian romance novel with HEA ending!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Briar Lane
• Release date: Aug 28, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386895046

Book preview

Drowning

Briar Lane

Contents

Copyright

1. Jessica

2. Amy

3. Jessica

4. Amy

5. Jessica

6. Amy

7. Jessica

8. Amy

9. Jessica

10. Amy

11. Jessica

12. Amy

13. Jessica

14. Amy

Epilogue

Free Bonus Cahpter

Bloom Preview

15. Catherine

16. Ellie

17. Catherine

18. Ellie

19. Catherine

Free Bonus Chapter

Copyright

Copyright © 2017 by Briar Lane

---

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

1

Jessica

Istared at the candle that now had melted wax dripping down its side, the consequence of burning too long and too brightly. Just as I had.

I was tempted to blow it out. I should have blown it out. I should have given up the pipe dream that Matt was going to come home any minute. He obviously wasn’t.

He was supposed to have gotten off work hours ago. It had used to be that, after work, he would come straight home to spend time with me, but, lately, that hadn’t been the case. He’d gone out to drink with coworkers after work. He’d seemed disinterested in spending any quality time with me.

I thought tonight would have been different, though. It was our third anniversary, and I’d thought for sure he would have been home on time. I’d cooked this fancy pasta dish and lit candles, decorated the table with flowers. I hadn’t really expected he was going to do much for me, so I’d taken the initiative to be romantic.

Which I’d been fine with, until he hadn’t come home. I’d planned dinner exactly for the time he’d have been getting home, and, now, hours later, dinner was cold, and I was alone.

I’d been calling him frequently for the past few hours, but he hadn’t answered me. Again, I’d figured he would, since when he usually went out after work, I never bothered him. You’d have thought me calling over and over would have signaled to him that something was wrong. Evidently it hadn’t.

I sighed and set my head down on the table. I needed to heat myself up some food, blow out the candle, and watch some good television on the couch while I ate. But I couldn’t bring myself to move. I was so damn unhappy.

And it wasn’t just this night. I’d been unhappy in this relationship for a while.

I loved Matt, I truly did, but I wanted to feel equally as loved by him. In the beginning of our relationship, he’d been so excited to be dating me. He’d constantly tell me how I was the most beautiful, intelligent woman he’d ever met. He’d been completely enthralled with me.

Maybe that was all I could expect after three years. Perhaps there was nothing that could prevent a relationship from fizzling out. But when I’d been eighteen and had imagined being an adult in my first long term relationship, I hadn’t imagined I’d have been living with someone who was basically just my roommate. I’d just… I’d expected more.

I stood up from my chair finally, turning to the stove to cover the food with saran wrap. I set it in the fridge for now. I didn’t feel like eating. I was too sad.

I walked back over to our small, wooden kitchen table and leaned over to blow out the candle, but, just as I was about to, I heard the key turning in the doorknob to our apartment.

I jolted up, turning to the door in anticipation. God, I was so pathetic. I was like a kicked puppy dog, excited to see someone who had hurt me.

He looked up at me with a quick glance as he got through the door.

Hey, he said shortly, I’m gonna get in the shower.

That was it, nothing else. The candle was still burning. If he had taken one glance around the room, he’d have known tonight was something special. But, no, no comment on any of that.

Do you know what day it is? I asked him coldly.

He looked up at me, a little surprised. I didn’t normally take this tone with him. Even though he’d been shitty lately, and I hadn’t been very happy, I’d been passive in this relationship.

I, uh, I’m not sure, he said casually.

It’s our anniversary, Matt, I said, motioning to the table. I made dinner.

Oh, shit, sorry, he said, not sounding particularly apologetic. I completely forgot.

I called you over and over. Why didn’t you answer?

He shrugged. My phone must have died.

Seriously? I scoffed. No, it didn’t die. It rang every single time.

Then it must have been on vibrate. Look, I said I’m sorry. Is it really that big of a deal? It was just a dinner.

My jaw dropped. I was completely stunned by his reaction. I’d thought, at the very least, he’d have been apologetic or something.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. But, like I’d said, I’d been passive in this relationship, so I hadn’t really encountered any attitude from him. I’d just let things go, I hadn’t picked fights. Now that I finally was, he was going to be a total dick about it.

I took time out of my day to do something nice for you. Something romantic, because that’s what couples do. I’ve been totally patient with you so far. You don’t spend time with me, you don’t try in this relationship, and I don’t complain when you’re constantly going out drinking with your friends. But I’m not just going to be walked all over forever.

So, don’t be, he shrugged.

Don’t be what? I asked, unsure of what he meant.

Don’t be walked all over. If you don’t like how I’m doing things, just… leave.

I thought for sure I must have been misunderstanding him. Wait…what?

I’m not going to change, he said seriously. So, if you think that you’re treated unfairly in this relationship, why don’t you just leave?

Just leave? I shrugged. Just leave after three years together? Three years of effort? Let that all go?

Is that the only thing that’s keeping you here? he asked. The fact that it’s been three years?

I was totally, completely stunned. All of this had caught me off guard. I mean, I knew our relationship had been a little rocky lately, but I’d never expected to hear him sound so ready to just give up on everything.

No, I’m here because I love you. Because I think we could be happy if only some basic effort was put into the relationship. So, I guess the real question is, why are you still here? Because you’re the one not making any effort.

I don’t know, he said coolly.

My heart started racing. Had he just said…?

You mean, you don’t know why you’re not making the effort?

No. I mean, I don’t know why I’m still here.

It was like a punch in the gut, hearing him say that.

But, I thought… I don’t understand.

Look, I don’t think we need to lie to ourselves. We’re both unhappy in this relationship. So, why are we still continuing it?

I told you, because I love you! I was now nearly shouting. And I thought you loved me, too!

I did… he said quietly, at one point, I did. But now? I just don’t know anymore…

How could you say that? And… why are you saying that all now? Why didn’t this come out before? Don’t you think you owed it to me to tell me something like this before now?

Maybe, but… I don’t know. I didn’t know how, and… it was only recently that I realized I really don’t want to do this anymore. There is no passion, Jessica. There is nothing here for us.

So maybe that’s how long term relationships are! I argued. Maybe as time goes on, relationships fizzle out, and there’s nothing you can really do about that. But that doesn’t mean there is no love in the relationship anymore or that you just give up! There’s love here, I know there is!

He looked angry now. Dammit, Jessica…

Baby, please! I walked over to him, taking his hand in mine. Please, just give us another chance. We need to put effort into our relationship again, and…

He took his hand back. I can’t.

This only made me more desperate. I knew it was pathetic, but, in a last-ditch effort to get some affection from him, I tossed my arms around his neck and cried.

Baby, please, I love, I –

And then, something stopped me in my tracks and made me drop my arms from around him.

The smell of another woman’s perfume.

What’s that? I asked.

He immediately looked worried, only confirming my suspicions.

What’s what? he asked.

That… that smell, I said in a still, monotone voice. What’s that smell.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m getting in the shower now, he said, as he walked down the hall.

And, suddenly, the eagerness with which he’d wanted to hop in the shower made so much more sense.

Where the hell did the smell of perfume come from, Matt?! I snapped as I followed him down the hall. Don’t fucking bullshit me here! You owe me that much!

He whipped around angrily. Fine! You want the truth, really?!

Yes! I yelled back.

That smell is Andrea!

Andrea… I knew that name. It was the name of one of his coworkers. I recognized it immediately because, awhile back, I had been a little jealous of her. I’d never brought it up to Matt, it wasn’t something he knew. But I’d seen her constantly commenting on his social media posts in a vaguely flirty way, and it had set off alarm bells for me.

I’d told myself it was nothing, though. I’d brushed it off as nothing. Clearly, I should have trusted my instincts.

How long? I asked blankly.

A while, was all he said.

So, when you’ve been going to the bar with your coworkers… you’ve actually been…

Spending time with Andrea, yes.

He seemed so casual about how deeply, endlessly he was hurting me. In a matter of minutes, I’d gone from mildly sad about a missed anniversary dinner to completely heartbroken.

Oh, right, and our anniversary dinner…

You fucked her on our anniversary, Matt? I said, with tears in my eyes.

If I’d known, I wouldn’t have… he said, but, yeah.

I wiped my tears away quickly. So, what, that’s it? We’re just over? You have no desire to work on any of this with me?

No… not really. I don’t think this can be salvaged. I think it’s for the best we end it now.

What about the apartment?! I asked. What about the fact that we’ve been living together for two damn years?

Well, I think the only thing there is to do about the apartment is for you to move out. Because, obviously, you can’t afford it on your own…

Oh, this asshole…

Yeah, I couldn’t afford it on my own, because, months ago, I’d lost my job. Through no fault of my own, I might add. They’d just had to make cuts, and there had been a lot of layoffs. I’d been looking for a job in my field ever since, which was graphic design, but, obviously, it was a struggle. And, no, since I was unemployed, I couldn’t afford this place. Because I couldn’t afford any place! Not until I got another job. What did he expect me to do?

Where the hell am I supposed to go, Matt? You’re not even going to let me find a new job before you force me out of the house?

Well, yeah, that was the plan initially. That’s why I didn’t end this sooner, but dammit, Jessica, it’s been months of you looking for work. Who knows how long it could be? What if it takes another year until you’re employed elsewhere? I can’t wait that long to start moving on with my life.

Where am I supposed to go?! I asked him. My only option is to move back home at this point!

Then move back home.

My heartbreak was quickly shifting into rage. Who the hell are you?! How did you get so cold? We have been together for three years, Matt! Why are you acting like this to me?!

Yeah, we’ve been together three years, but let’s not pretend it’s been a relationship that entire time! he snapped back at me.

I didn’t even understand what he was suggesting. What the hell does that mean?

It means you are the most distant woman I’ve ever met in my life. You withhold your affection, you withhold sex, this dinner tonight is probably the most thoughtful thing you’ve ever done for me, and I have a feeling you only did it because you could sense I was pulling away.

I didn’t know how to answer that. I knew I wasn’t the most nurturing or affectionate girlfriend, I’d always known that. But I had always cared about him.

And, okay, yes maybe I’d thought I should step up my game a little since he’d been distant, but… who wouldn’t think that?

If you had just told me that you needed any of that– I said, before he cut me off.

He laughed. Told you that I needed affection? Yeah, Jess, believe it or not that’s something I actually don’t want to have to ask for from my girlfriend.

He started making his way down the hall and into the bathroom.

This conversation isn’t over! I said quickly.

Yes, it is. And so are we.

He slammed the bathroom door behind him, and I was left standing there, stunned and speechless.

So, that was it, then. My relationship was done. I really hadn’t expected any of this, and, like I’d said, I’d known maybe that Matt wasn’t very happy, but I’d never expected him to cheat. I hadn’t thought he’d leave me.

What now? Everything I’d ever built for myself as an adult had been shattered. I no longer had the job I’d gone to school for, I didn’t have the boyfriend I’d been dating for the last three years, I didn’t even have an apartment. I was going to have to move back home, something I’d told myself I’d never do.

God, this sucked. My entire childhood had been me fantasizing about the day I finally would be an adult and no longer be under the control of my aunt.

I mean, I loved my aunt, I did. She’d taken me in when I’d been a baby after the very tragic death of my parents, and I could not be more grateful that she had stepped up. But she was completely overbearing. When I’d lived with her, she’d had to know absolutely everything that had been going on in my life.

Even when I’d been younger, I’d always had a naturally independent nature. So, her constantly breathing down my throat had really hindered me. I’d moved out as soon as I’d turned eighteen to leave for college, and, when I had, our relationship had improved a lot. I’d loved her a lot more from a distance, when she couldn’t ask about my every move.

And now I was going to have to go back to that? Go back to my