As We Sow: Why the Great Divide

By Barry Woods Johnston

As I turned the pages and began reading this odyssey of Barry Johnston, as a veteran and artist, my interest increased, and I was pleased that I had agreed to review it. As We Sow is not a book of fiction, nor a novel but an autobiography of a modern renaissance man, but a man no-less, with all his foibles, his successes, failures, fears and frustrations laid out with surgical precision in the cold reality of lifes twists and turns. Viet Nam leaves an open wound Barry struggles to understand. He is empathic to the wrongs inflected on the innocent whether from war or life itself. His nature is sculpting figurative art imbued with his concerns for humanity. He joins a religious art colony in the Swiss Alps known as LAbri where Barry argues with the founder Francis Schaeffer over interpretation of scripture and wrestles with his own spirit over the contradictions. Never at peace, hes at odds with the commercial art establishment for commissions, and he reflects on failed marriages after a near heart attack he barely survives. Barry reveals himself with honesty and a humanity which make this a compelling biography and a historical account of a representational artist, veteran and inventor.
- Daniel Shea

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 20, 2012
• ISBN: 9781468546279

Barry Woods Johnston

After graduating in architecture from Georgia Institute of Technology, studying at the Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts and National Academy of Design, and serving in Vietnam in 1968 as a Combat Artist, I pursued European methods of art and architecture, living in Florence, Italy, between 1970 and 1972 and in Pietrasanta, Italy, at the Tommasi Foundry between 1985 to 1988. I established a studio in Washington, D.C. for seventeen years, and finally settled into my present studio in Baltimore, MD. As a practicing sculptor for over fifty years and an architectural designer, my primary focus has been on humanity. My sculptures are light and lively while complimenting their architectural setting. I seek to visualize fundamental emotions in three dimensions and breathe life into them. While adding levity, movement, and humanity, my designs are derived from abstract forms symbolically embodying the overall vision. I break down my sculptural visions into the most fundamental abstract shapes - circles, triangles, and squares, allowing those images to emerge as found in nature. I then integrate that abstraction into a realistic statement, seeking to stir universal feelings in others.

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© 2012 Barry Woods Johnston. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 03/15/2017

ISBN: 978-1-4685-4629-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4685-4628-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4685-4627-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012902169

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

A Disclaimer

An Acknowledgment

Introduction

Prolog

I. Reminiscing

1. No Space for the Soul

2. The Family Closet

3. The Difficulty of Merely Being

4. Daydreaming as a Way of Coping with Conflict

5. Wake Up! Wake Up!

6. To Be, Regardless

7. Time for Change

8. The Leap

9. Fleshing Out Anew

10. Anecdotal Wisdom

11. Stepping Into It

12. Destroying a Culture

13. Homecoming

14. Weeding and Pruning, What’s Next?

15. Continuing Creation – Harmonies and Rhythms

16. Who’s Really in Charge Anyway?

II. The Renaissance And The States

17. More Questions

18. Money, the Measure of All Things – Beyond Survival?

19. The New Comer

20. On to Florence

21. A Cultural Experience

22. Daybreak

23. Trying To Settle In

24. Clearing the Lungs

25. Reality or Abstraction

26. Psychological and Emotional Fiber

III. The trials of Job

27. Harmony or Dissonance

28. Art as Language

29. A New Start

30. Art without a Culture

31. The Great Cultural Divide

32. Building an Alternative

33. A Quality Life

34. Cultural Cohesion

35. Signs of a Crash

36. Envision

37. A Breakthrough

38. Reflection

Poems

Layers of a Nucleus

God and Man

Harmony and Dissonance

Airborne

A Child Weeps

Analogue

About the Author

A Disclaimer

T he author, in telling his story, sought to be as truthful as humanly possible. However, admittedly the information herein represents his own perspective. If others have a different slant on the situation, let them write their own insights. To protect those who may be innocent, some names have been changed.

An Acknowledgment

I n creating As We Sow , the author would like to thank those special people who have stepped into his process, like his devoted sister, Elizabeth Johnston, who helped gather some of the material, edited and provided support. He would like to thank his mother, Lucile Johnston, who contributed many hours gathering material about the family and also editing. Finally, he would like to thank Daniel Shea, Board of Directors of ‘Veterans for Peace,’ for his valuable comments and moral support.

Dedicated to the author’s mother Lucile

who dearly loved the Holy Scriptures

If one day represents the existence of our planet, Humans emerge one minute and seventeen seconds before midnight. – Bill Bryson

You have every right to stand up and resist extinction.

Introduction

M assive institutions and bureaucracies today stymy initiative and individual development. Growth in the arts and sciences is frustrated by the massiveness. As happened within the Soviet Union under Communism and with the Roman Catholic Church during the medieval times leading to the Inquisition, the effects of mass dogmas are nothing new. However, today the potential for manipulation is much more acute and powerful. When political systems evolve into massive bureaucracies, when those within the system become complacent and susceptible to manipulation, the fabric of our society can easily disintegrate into confusion and dysfunctionality. Our thinking becomes abstracted and out of touch. As was evident in medieval art, today’s abstraction in art trends toward the flat and impersonal.

All true art is abstract, for true art emerges from the mind. But is our creativity really so original? Influences have become acutely dominant between two divided camps -- the abstract avant-garde and traditional realism. The division parallels American politics, between the division between the left and right. Both sides are commercially motivated and politically conservative, despite the leftist claim of being above the fray. Our times are missing the healthy dialectic synergy between reality and possibility. Real creativity is stimulated by the dynamic interplay between structure and freedom. Freedom outside the good structure of human justice is meaningless, without value. Good politics fosters justice. A synergy between justice and freedom weaves an integration of ideas and solutions. It grows our society and economy. Values promote a quest for truth. They give our lives meaning. But such values must not be imposed but encouraged. Values encourage thoughtful dialogue and debate. Common respect for humanity in the quest for truth encourages insights into human nature. The agreement to disagree creates a possibility for dialogue. It leads to deeper insights. A creed of tolerance prevailed because the writers of the U.S. Constitution were visionaries. Thomas Jefferson said, The only thing we can not tolerate is intolerance. The founding fathers believed our system of checks and balances would promote open dialogue. They believed open debate would ensure that reason prevailed. Open debate defuses extremism. But today, we are overwhelmed by massive influences that are stifling dialectic discourse.

True strength, true internal resilience in our society, is built on the quality of our values. The American Constitution is the best political system ever, but just as slavery and bigotry once plagued its implementation, today’s massive corporate and bureaucratic priorities now plague free enterprise. In this, true science and art, derived from a passion for truth, are overwhelmed by the influences of a technocracy steeped in artificial, hyper-illusions. This hyper-misconception of reality has been building up since WWII. As America assumed the role as leader of the free world, it became an empire builder (of multi-national corporate Capitalism). An obsession with power gradually displaces our system of checks and balances. Power usurps our constitutional processes and principles that normally would have allowed reason to prevail and for free enterprise to flourish. Obsessions take command over common sense and visionary insights. Open debate is marginalized as mass media, commercialism, and increased bureaucratic imperatives have taken over. Art becomes increasingly abstracted and commercialized. Today’s art conveys little substance or content. The market demands an art that can easily be mass-produced with little monetary or personal investment. Such depersonalization has happened globally, not just in America.

As a sculptor, I’ve sought to be as honest as possible amidst today’s political realities. Specifically, I’ve created a series of life-size Shakespearean characters. Within the bubble of my own imagination and in the belief that truth and justice will eventually prevail, I’ve fought to counter today’s corporate and governmental trends toward sterility. But the powers persist. They have widened the chasm, making it almost impossible for artists to function as advocates of societal commentary. The profession of sculpture uniquely plays a role of bridging the chasm between ideas and reality, between possibilities and the technologies of industry. By now, the massive powers (as defined by the Military-Industrial Complex) threaten to destroy much that I have achieved in the evolution of civilization. In seeking to express the character of the human soul, I find myself facing the overwhelming reality that the massiveness of modernism, with all its power and mania for mass-distraction and destruction, threatens to destroy everything meaningful that human intelligence and creativity has sought to advance forward. Worse, the very hope of future generations and perhaps even civilization itself seems in peril.

Values that once served as foundational principles in our society, that once directed our lives toward positive goals, are progressively being discarded. True art embodies true values. Otherwise, art influences devoid of values are about nothing. As our values decline, our art declines, our society declines. Our civilization seemingly teeters on the edge of an economic free-fall that could lead to unimaginable chaos and the horror of global war. Our times resemble the days before and during the Great Depression leading up to WWII. We have no choice but to resign our hopes, strength, and spirit to the mercy of our estrangement with the Divine Creator; and what exalted plan will be embraced that will redirect the future? Will the Creator allow us to exist on this nurturing planet? YES, but today’s tower of Babel is far taller than the human imagination can possibly sustain in the face of our own emotional disparity and spiritual depravity.

As We Sow is an appeal for sanity in these dangerous times. Many good people around the world seek to bring about positive change. This is an appeal that we pursue values that will build a positive future. To pursue a positive future, let us encourage one another to work to define what is worthwhile. If we see a vision that works, let it serve as a beacon to preserve what is good for future generations. Let us put values back into our work and lives so as to build a positive future.

In the massive and impersonal markets, where money correlates with power, where the profane shouting drowns out visionary alternatives for a better world, where money and power are out of touch with reality, where viable alternatives are ignored, where often people’s lives are destroyed by greed driven ambition, let us make good positive decisions! Where profits override human values, where lives are affected by decisions made by experts behind a desk halfway around the globe, where impersonal priorities and greed destroy our free enterprise system, where our economy is driven from the top down by immense power and self-indulgence, to counter this, set inventors, innovators and entrepreneurs free to blaze a positive path to a new era of enlightenment! Where today’s priorities promote intolerance, where new technologies rob us of privacy and attempt to homogenize us to conform, where individuals find it increasingly difficult to work hard to realize their dreams, where artistic opportunities are placed on a mass-marketing commercial block, where competitions are judged by tastemakers driven by fads, impressions, and innuendoes, where the massive corporate and governmental hierarchy impose illusions that are characteristic of the machine-mindlessness of Communism and Nazism, let us empower caring leaders and individuals to define more human alternatives! Let the cream rise to the top! Let us not allow the authoritarians to have the upper hand in our personal affairs!

Pragmatists may view these comments as idealistic, naive or even envious. But beliefs rooted in rule of law, of a law of the people, by the people and for the people are deeply rooted and grounded in reality. Many of us have been blackballed questioning American policies whether to engage in lawless aggression, thus creating foreign enemies, or to act as legitimate heirs in protecting the free world against ruthless tyranny. The truth will eventually come to light. Justice will eventually be served. Many around the world have loved America. In this, America has truly embraced many needs of the less fortunate around the world. But many have suffered greatly in the belief that truth and justice will eventually be served. Eventually, any hollow deception motivated by greed will be exposed. Regimes will collapse as the naked truth is revealed. As was Nazism in Germany finally crushed, how much suffering will be ahead for us and others around the world before there’ll be the full revelation of the nature of our own questionable motives and efforts?

Prolog

T oday’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s lonely nut that has held its ground. When living in D.C., Barry often camped in the Blue Ridge Mountains. There, atop the ancient mountains, was an oak tree, overlooking the Shenandoah Valley. This oak, rooted and intertwined amidst a bed of large boulders, in its captivity, was in a desperate struggle for survival. But surrounded by scenic beauty, its gnarling limbs took the shape of its gnarling roots, entrapped among the boulders. The tree grew to become a defiant testament to the very force of life itself. It became to Barry a reminder of the importance of struggling amidst the influences imposed by life. It was a reminder that an artist’s task, amidst a field of beauty, is to define solid values and principles; a reminders that, if necessary, he must make the necessary sacrifices to address the hard issues. Certainly, a healthy oak depends not only on the quality of its seed. It depends also on quality soil and an abundance of free sun, water, and air, just as a healthy individual grows out of the supportive care of a healthy family and community. Obstacles in life shape our character and build our strength. An artist matures not by seeking to be different in a crowd but by passionately working through the hardships and defining what is worth expressing in art and committing to in life.

Written as an autobiography, this story is an odyssey into the heart of an artist’s process. The voyage looks at underpinning influences that define our society and economy. This is not a book on how to become a market success. It’s about an artist’s struggle to make sense of his times. It is about striving to bridge the gap between reality and possibility. It’s about what it takes to be an artist. As our times are enveloped by the monolithic influence of Modernism, as our values are set adrift, As We Sow looks through the eyes of an artist at the radical transition in our recent past. It looks at what one artist considers important. It looks at what he aspires to as an individual. To fully understand our recent past, we need to consider the broad spectra of influences that have shaped the evolution of civilization. In hopes of redirecting our priorities toward sounder alternatives and in hopes of your realizing your own potential, the following looks at proven values and principles that have proven to best nurture your creative potential. Hopefully, this story elicits in you insights that will help you face the negative influences that are eroding the quality of your life so that all of us can benefit from your growth as we move into the future. Hopefully, the following will help you define positive alternatives for a better world.

Ironically, in striving to define alternatives, we are obliged to reach beyond our own self-interest and embrace a deeper awareness of our common humanity. In our search for identity, we are obliged to establish fundamental principles that serve in shaping our behavior. In this, the narrative unfolds in three parts: First, it applies a Jungian approach, uncovering the disparaging influences in the artist’s youth that once blocked the artist’s potential. Second, it journeys into the lives of many inspiring artists who have spurred a flourishing of Western civilization, comparing the creative period of the Italian Renaissance to our own times, in hopes of gaining a clearer perspective. Third, it envisions those common qualities in our nature that can help us realize a modern renaissance. In illuminating the life of one artist in this brave new world, we make a psychological journey inward, as taught by Carl Jung, while countering the narcissism by journeying outward, as taught by the biblical Job. The quest strives to dispel those negative influences standing in the way of our building a human-based, God-inspired, cultural fabric that will promote a flourishing of the arts and the quality of our lives.

To be a good seed, we must develop a positive attitude towards life. In this, we must develop a common bond as human beings rooted in compassion and justice. The depth of our character sets us apart from the trends and the whims of the mass influences. Our most universal opportunity for doing good is in serving our fellow man. To be positive, we must transcend the accumulated negativity and firmly place our feet on solid bedrock, that space in the inner soul from which we can fully express our creative potential. But that bedrock is also that place where we are most human. Before we can define that inner space, we need to define who we are in relationship to the positive and negative influences that are affecting our lives. Once we know ourselves as we relate to the world about, then we can effect positive change. But, ironically, our effectiveness as human beings requires that we step out of ourselves and strive to make a difference in the lives of others. Likewise, for healthy growth to take root in our society, the seeds of creativity must fall on healthy cultural ground. Some say America, as a poly-culture, as a melting pot, can have no common culture. Yet, the key to a healthy culture is in the interpersonal relationships that develop between people. People come together, share their ideas, and give their ideas definition, all weaving the fabric for the positive maturation of a culture.

As We Sow voyages through the layers of distractions that deny us our humanity, arriving at the creative center of one artist. The voyage then reverses, moving outward into the world about with fresh vision for a better world. If we are to make this voyage, we must identify a long list of negative influences that are robbing us of our creative potential and energy. We must be willing to look at the pragmatic biases generated by Modernism as they affect our humanity. We must consider the utilitarian practices, promoted by ‘form and function,’ translated into ‘time as money,’ into a disposable mass-mentality that breeds the negativity of an ‘anti-culture.’ Such an anti-culture advocates a profound distrust of conventional wisdom. Its negativity is driven by a sensory appetite. Whereas modern pragmatism denotes functionality over moral justice, elements of the pop culture promote self-destructive hallucinogenic drugs, self-indulgence, and mass-mania, raging a belligerent as much against humanity as the establishment. Hard Rock is an abrasive scream against human values, including the destruction of ‘self.’ More sadly, it screams about how people fail to satisfy us, Can’t get no satisfaction. It demands that we discard those among us who fail to satisfy. Self-indulgence encourages negativism that can lead to depression. It causes us to discard one another as human beings, to treat one another as disposable items, as mass-produced items which result in the nihilism of our mass-orientated society. It is self-indulging and full of displeasure. As its sickness envelops us, diminishing our own character and capacity for self-realization, as money and power reinforce the measure of our displeasure, our humanity diminishes. Amidst the manipulation, amidst the amassing of negative influences, the cultural fiber of our society dehumanizes. But our constitutional government encourages the exact oppose of this negative trend. A free society requires us to take personal responsibility and initiative. Ultimately, only we can choose whether or not to build up positive values and principles that will serve the greater good.

If we allow the mass distractions of Modernism to rob us of our humanity, we are left feeling empty and useless. Synthetic alternatives, such as drugs, will not fill this emptiness. In many ways, we have become a ‘feel good’ society. Rather than digging deeper into the true nature of things and ourselves, countering the enveloping impersonal influences, we shy away and buy into those illusions spoon-fed to entertain us thus diminishing our sense of personal worth. In the complexities of today’s powerful massive systems, much confusion surrounds our understanding of ‘freedom.’ Much of what we call freedom is really ‘self-indulgence.’ As a service-oriented economy, we have become consumers rather than producers. Today, we define our identity more in terms of the things that entertain us than real values or accomplishments. Many politicians are obsessed with power and cater to special interests to the point they no longer can identify the core issues. They no longer can identify the ills affecting our society and economy. In fact, many are losing their ability to decipher the difference between positive and negative values, between what is good and destructive.

In Italian, ‘passione’ is one’s chosen profession. The loss of our passione, the loss of personal satisfaction in accomplishing quality results in the workplace, is the loss of our identity and sense of personal worth. While syndicated mass media diverts our attention to issues concerning mass inequities between the races and genders through ‘Civil Rights,’ ‘Gay Rights,’ and ‘Woman’s Liberation,’ the ability of an individual to take entrepreneurial initiative or to exercise their freedoms guaranteed by our free enterprise system are crowding out by impersonal mass-priorities. Realizing our personal potential is not easy under the dominant mass-influences perpetuated by corporate monopolies. The ultimate tragedy is our loss of pride in our work and, with it, a decline in the quality of our lives. In short, we are seduced by a mass-mentality within a massive system that promises to bring us greater security and personal wealth. Our mass economy no longer is about an exchange of skills. A shoe cobbler no longer repairs the shoes of a blacksmith, and that would be OK but that the promise of security and material advantages under trickle-down economics has proven to be a caveat. Not only has the great majority been robbed of its security, but it’s being denied opportunity to pursue creativity alternatives.

What values are palatable in today’s economy? Whereas free enterprise is to promote individual initiative, elements in today’s pop culture shun personal opinion as making a ‘value judgment.’ Without the freedom to have an opinion, how can we be free to take personal initiative? If we are unable to distinguish clearly the difference between positive and negative influences and values, how can we function? Caught in the chasm between the corporate autocracy and the anti-cultural influences, it’s not the popular in pop that is negative. It’s not that being popular makes a movement an anti-culture. Popular folk culture has throughout history contributed and inspired the highest forms of art. It’s the infiltrated nihilism, motivated by the synthetic stimuli of mass-consumerism and the subversive influences brought on by self-indulgence with synthetics that have become so destructive. If greed and envy drive the consumerism, if the commercialism forces artists into advertising, if artists are obliged to entertain their clients with a decorative montage by colorists and constructivists, if lacking meaning and substance, how can a culture mature; how can genuine art flourish? Art must be free to address and reveal the soul-searching issues. One significant shortcoming of today’s conservativism is its failure to recognize the vital role art plays in stimulating the economy. The most powerful stimulus for a better future is a clear vision of a better way. Money is an artificial stimulus. It is mindless and culturally blind.

Instead of encouraging individual thinking, marketeering feeds on emotional indulgences, on individualism. By promoting superficiality in the consumerism, these massive all-pervasive influences cause us to lose our identity. Marketing experts study our subjective urges and design products to appeal to the lowest common urges of human nature. Rather than elevating our values, they appeal to our most selfish instincts. If today’s money-priorities define the depth in our art and values, it’s hardly likely today’s economically successful artists are being encouraged to address the deeper concerns and issues of society. Much of today’s avant-garde represents the prevalent trends of today’s mass-markets. When mass media is used to manipulate and support policies that mount further amassing of monopolies in the corporate economy, freedom of the press is in peril. But much worst, mass media has assumed control of our cultural identity. And, sadly, the same fads, defined in today’s art markets, perpetuate the same impersonal dogmas that have led to the nihilism in our society, to the Vietnam War and others.

Bear with me! If we are to alter the self-destructive tendency within ourselves, we must take a hard look at the negative influences robbing us of our creative potential. Mass media, when responsibly reporting, inform us and help break down the racial barriers or educate us to the ways others live around the world, but its syndicated commercial sponsors also promote indulgences and excesses, and stimulate greed, envy or arrogance. Such commercial influences can generate a divisiveness in our society. Advertising is designed to make us want what we do not have and perhaps do not need, to sow dissatisfaction. The mass-mentality leaves us emotionally empty. The synthetics behind the trends cut us off from the natural world. Whereas, in days gone by, a man could fall asleep drunk on a horse and wake up at home, today we are obliged to obey highway rules of safety with little room to meander. The natural world has been set upside down. Automobiles dominate our plazas and fairways. Today’s cities provide no village wells and few town centers. TV’s rob our longing for community. Art is lost to advertising. In summary, our identity is relinquished to fads being shaped by tastemakers, by trendy celebrities, and by popular demand. Our art, rather than being insightful and provocative, is often illusive and out of touch. We dare not be ourselves.

In summary, the conglomerate nature of the economy stifles our ability to take personal ownership of our lives. The disposable mentality degrades the quality of our relationships. All-encompassing controls, defined by credit reports, bureaucratic and corporate procedures, and governmental regulations create a barrage of artificial crutches that often stifle growth in the economy. Gigantic banks standardize mortgage appraisals, squelching competitive bidding for properties of excellence. Given the conglomerate dominance, through forced foreclosure, the ‘haves’ take liberties with those in a weaker position. Builders are afraid to restore old buildings for risk of becoming embroiled in lead poisoning litigation. Media, defined by experts and tastemakers, tend to tell us what is supposedly ‘valuable.’ Art values are hyped by elite wave surfers, who ride the glittering and dazzling crest of an avant-garde. Power is wielded under the so-called protection of a Military-Industrial Complex, subtly flailing callus strokes of intimidation against humankind. Nonconformist citizenry easily slips through the cracks. As portrayed in Orwell’s 1984, we are obliged to conform, or be blackballed or even treated as criminals! In fact, nearly one out of a hundred American citizens are in jail. Political and media satirist Jon Stewart of THE DAILY SHOW humorously speaks of the news as ‘automation.’ In comparing Charley Chaplin to Michael Jackson, both equally mimed bodily movements, expressing the machine-like nature of our times. But Michael, in his mimicking and emotional immaturity, succumbed to the machine priorities that ultimately led to his demise. In contrast, Chaplin expressed the tragic loss of our humanity, most notably in his movie ‘Modern Times.’

Notwithstanding that terrorists are working hard to send our civilization back into another ‘Dark Age,’ the corrupting impact of the mass-orientation and subversive anger in the ‘pop’ anti-culture are wreaking far more corrosive havoc in its march against civilization. The trend toward amassing power has been mounted for centuries. In the Nineteenth Century, impersonal abrasion, spawned by mass production, plagued the soul of workers during the Industrial Revolution, and gin was its medicator. Karl Marx sought to reform the abuses of industrialization, only to inflame another brand of imperialism. Although artists of the late Nineteenth Century enjoyed an era of confident optimism, the seeds of anarchy continued to eat away at the foundation of traditional society. While natural harmonies were expressed in movements like Art Nouveau, the abusive traditions of feudalism mustered their forces. The prevailing belief was that all knowledge would bring civilization to the verge of an Eden. But silently, dehumanizing elements were covertly eroding the fiber of society. All optimism ended sharply with the harsh realities of WWI. The First World War brought an onslaught of brutality and intolerance that mocked all remaining illusions of cultural Nirvana. Pablo Picasso’s and Georges Braque’s machine-like Cubism expressed the dialectic wrath of an industrial age. As the war raged against humanity, all hope of cultural harmony was eliminated. In unison and to the goosestep cadence of Nazism, Fascism, and Communism, the marching strength of technocracies, backed by the overwhelming destructive power of Modern warfare, heralded in and trampled over human frailty. Entrepreneurial free enterprise subtly has been largely absorbed into today’s global Capitalism. In a caveat against innovation, Capitalism no longer nurtures nor is it rooted in free enterprise nor does it take responsibility for promoting grassroots cultural or economic growth within our society. Today, free enterprise is primarily confined to capitalizing in the mass markets of Wall Street. Entrepreneurial efforts are a steep climb out of this mass mire.

The rape of a culture is no small offense. Yet, many cultures around the world now lay prostrate under the ravaging, powerful, greedy and arrogant influences of corporate expansionists. In this expansionism, clearly, the loss of compassion for people is becoming all too evident. Their counterpart, the chaotic influences of the corrosive indulgences of the anti-culture, eats away at the fabric of our societies. The abuses come in gigantic waves and seductive dribbles, forcing subservience while promising unabashed freedom and prosperity. Where Modernism forcefully imposes imperatives, devours innocence, exposes, mocks, and intimidates our deepest longings for personal fulfillment, it belies our deepest yearning for self-realization, family, and sense of community. Under the sheep’s clothing of prosperity, the monolithic corporate hierarchy feeds the nihilism of the anti-culture, subtly breeding a sense of helplessness, fear, anger, envy and arrogance – affecting the quality of our lives. But mostly, it breeds self-indulgence. As giant ‘corporatocracies’ and bureaucracies classify our status based on professional degrees, on economic status, on material possessions such as cars, homes, or job positions, the anti-culture undermines those materialistic priorities by encouraging self-pity and self-indulgence, and, with the self-pity, the loss of self-esteem, in turn, breeding self-destruction.

Meanwhile, while deceptively equating Capitalism with free enterprise, production in America parallels the general decline in grassroots cultural growth. With the abuses of such deception, the very principles of our American Constitution are belied. This caveat both distracts us from addressing ways of stimulating healthy economic growth while ignoring the dangers of an emerging authoritarian takeover. As elements of a gargantuan system progressively invade our privacy, the fabric of our society continues to erode. While small businesses struggle to grow their resources from the ground up, corporate monopolies stifle entrepreneurial efforts. As movements, such as the service-oriented ‘Information’ economy are transformed into the devoured industries of ‘Creative Destruction,’ all embody the cumbersome signs of a dying civilization.

But we must not despair! No need to resort to further decline! The dehumanization of our society has already generated enough cynical gloom! Let us now embrace insights that will overcome this overwhelming list of negative grievances! Basic laws of our constitution protect our right to take the initiative and, as such, to realize our personal potential, and in the bigger picture, to revitalize our economy and culture. Yet, first, we must recognize the real dangers inherent in today’s negativity. In the wake of the collapse of values, with growing trends toward chaos and war, let us recognize the impending danger and deal with it! In truth, in the wake of the emptiness in our collective soul, chaos will follow, threatening the collapse of our society and economy. We need to turn this monumental trend around, turn the anarchy brewing into positive alternatives.

Be assured, authoritarians are lurking in the shadows to fill the gap. ‘Reason will be the first casualty;’ creativity the second. If we allow the negativity to consume our lives, we will naturally feel insecure, displaced and enraged. But anger over the manipulation also manipulates. If we are consumed by our anger, we also become part of the problem. Yet, in struggling to build a cultural alternative, the ominous power of anger continues to fester within the populous anti-culture, continues to erode faith in our values. We must reverse this corrosion. Even more so, as we counter the abuses, even in the fray, we cannot allow ourselves to become consumed by fear. We must identify the root causes behind the negativity. We must define positive alternatives. In our troubled world, only compassion and justice will give us the strength to overcome the fear. Only values and principles that embody a love for humanity will build mutual understanding and promote reason and creativity and will build up the fabric of our society that will promote positive alternatives.

The human quest for identity is so grand I hardly have the courage to convey it. The highest purpose of art is to declare that we, as a people, are not alone. In science, we can readily venture into the unknown unabashed. But, to sustain our society, we must build on a solid foundation of values and principles that define our common humanity. This is the function of art. The cultural bonds of art not only encourage us to appreciate beauty but to grow our humanity. Elevating an appreciation of humanity sustains a culture. To use a cliché, ‘No man is an island.’ Nor, to expand the idea, ‘what profits a man, if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?’ In a healthy culture, our individual efforts fuse into the larger milieu of our collective identity. As the world gets smaller, our very survival depends on defining a common basis for our humanity. In short, ‘as we sow, so shall we reap.’ In confronting the ‘cause and effect’ of human nature, we enter into the realm of God’s Truth, which from our human perspective is quite elusive.

Throughout history, periods of enlightenment have led to a flourishing of the arts and sciences, and with it, cultural and economic prosperity. Great periods of growth in civilization were realized through the efforts of humble but inspired individuals. Prosperity is an outgrowth of visionaries who have principles and values rooted in compassion and justice. New growth will not emerge as another ‘ism.’ Growth will result from inward revelation. It will come from renewed commitment to our free enterprise system, and positive principles and values. In pursuit of the greater good, our perception of the harmonies and interrelationships that bind humanity must deepen. That harmonic perception must be personal and internalized. It certainly cannot be imposed in the form of a utopia. As we mature, as we embrace a more profound depth of understanding and capacity for compassion and justice, the quality of our lives will become richer. Art, music, and theater will help define the woven fabric of interpersonal relationships. Within the diversity, the harmonies will resonate against a sounding board of natural laws and common sense. Human principles are built on values, integrity, and compassion, and resonate to build the fabric of a positive culture. Each intertwining facet, each painful step will bring us closer to gaining insights and a broader awareness, will bring us closer together as a people. Such harmonies are, by definition, of God, are of the Source.

In our search for values and principles, the Scriptures shine a light on the truth of our nature and define who we are as human beings, in all our strengths and weaknesses. Jesus and Job both provide insights that can grow our capacity to be compassionate and strengthen our identity and understanding of truth, allowing us to nurture insights into the internal harmonies created by the Source that brings harmony amidst the dispersions of our fallen world. Of course, the real world is not the Kingdom of Heaven, although a culture that focuses on God’s harmonies, on compassion and rule of justice, could well be a chunk of it. Certainly, religion should not be confused with culture. The only legitimate function of religion is to teach the ‘Golden Rule,’ Do unto others as we would have them do unto us! This Scriptural imperative teaches us how to live together in peace and justice. On the other hand, a culture represents the fabric of a people, that fabric is always in flux, and may or may not foster truth, justice, and peace. Culture is the crucible that either encourages reconciliation and integration, or stymies and even oppresses human potential and understanding. In building a viable culture, our capacity for compassion and justice, and not our power over others, is the measure of our humanity. As the Apostle Paul said, Even if we could know all things, if we have not charity, we are nothing.

As we embrace an understanding of the harmonies and resolve the dissonance, the presence of ‘God’ continues to mystify. For those who recognize the presence of the Divine Creator, Jesus embodies a goodness inherent in a real ‘mensch.’ Jesus embodies the qualities of a true human being. Yet, although personally awed by biblical wisdom, the puritan tenets associated with church often block our ability to be honest with ourselves. Judgmentalism clouds reality and creates illusions, preventing us from fully embracing the profound substance and depth of human understanding necessary to fully realize our creative capacity and viable alternatives. The demand that every word in the Bible be taken literally parallels the pragmatism of Modernism today, favoring contextual conformity to deeper and substantive insights. Biblical wisdom is best understood through personal experience. Jesus countered the theological dogmas of His day, embodying a universal conscience that is still out of sync with the secular world. Yet, He tied the knot between conscience and conscientiousness, enlightening us to the internal harmonies that promote compassion and justice. Likewise, ‘Job’ of the Old Testament gives us specific insights into the nature of human relationships, resonating harmonies between God and humankind. Jesus and Job embody and weave the relationship between conscience and conscientiousness. They provide the structural lattice that provides a cultural bridge between the Omniscient and Omnipotent. But, in our negligible efforts to make a difference, let us not presume we know God’s will for others, for that Source is simply too powerful and too mysterious for such cocksureness.

Compassion, a Latin contraction, ‘with passion,’ meaning sympathy or empathy, helps facilitate reconciliation. In resonating a commonality that encourages harmony in human relationships, in reaching outside our self-serving box, basking in the light of God’s infinite wisdom and love, all vanishing points converge, providing the harmonic fiber of a culture. As we negotiate our way through the materialism and the chaos generated by the anti-culture, in choosing a Higher Being, our own personal quest for nirvana takes root and grows on fertile spiritual ground. Rejecting the anti-cultural influences – rejecting the pop consumption of synthetic stimuli such as drugs, our servitude under the materialism – will eventually carry us through a maze of illusions into a completely new level of spiritual awareness and rebirth. Jesus and His predecessor Job embody the compassion and sense of justice that weld the harmonies that resonate in the hearts of humanity, which is why Jesus and Job continue to be at the heart of the matter. Religion, on the other hand, is quite another matter.

Finally, this story is a voyage, not an arrival. It is a struggle to break through the pragmatic influences of Modernism and the chaotic influences of its anti-cultural counterpart, those popular segments of our society that seem bent on self-destruction, to arrive at a point of inner freedom and tranquility. It’s a struggle to find appropriate expressions and take appropriate actions that embody the elusive issues of the heart. All those trials that will be herein revealed as you read this book have been carefully designed to shape this artist into an aspirant good seed. The ordeals have blazed a path, leading to deeper and broader self-understanding and to building empathy for others, and to obtaining insights into those harmonies that give life meaning, that provide an inner peace that will allow our culture to flourish. But, as you shall see, this artist, for one, was a slow learner.

PART I

REMINISCING

CHAPTER 1

No Space for the Soul

God has written the world’s greatest comedy, and no one is laughing.

Voltaire

F ate takes a spin. Awaiting transfer into the operating room, Barry lies prostrate on a hospital transport, his brothers in faith leaning over him in prayer. Joe Farr, Eli Fass, and Bill Dadd had arrived early this morning to see him through the process. As the anesthesiologist checks his vitals, the worn artist struggles to resign himself to what’s ahead. I’ve been blessed, he tells his friends, to have made it this far. His heart rate and vitals are stable. In the waiting room, the pastor sits with his wife, Soony, who had months earlier left him only to return again when learning of his condition. The operation requires the doctors to stop his heart, momentarily allowing him to die as they bridge over and hook up his vascular system to a mechanical pump. This triple bypass requires the surgeon to suture three veins serving the outer muscles of the heart.

Barry’s grandfather at fifty-one, while struggling to carry his family through the Great Depression, had died of a heart attack. His father at 65 had suffered and died of a massive heart attack while visiting him in Washington. For the past two years, he thought he was having heartburn. Recently seized with leg cramps, as he mentally worked his way through the pain, he was astonished how the excruciating attacks disappeared as rapidly as they came. Even two weeks earlier, he had no idea there was a problem. He and Eli took a four-mile walk through a local Park. Up the big hill, Barry nearly passed out, assuming a collapse would have been a heart attack. After a pause cresting the precipice, a storm kicked up, forcing them to take shelter under the covered porch of the Outward Bound Headquarters, the reprieve giving Barry relief enough to finish the remaining mile. Even just four days ago, in the middle of a tennis match, he was overcome with exhaustion. Apparently, every day of the past two years was playing Russian roulette. Only a stress test revealed the problem. At 66, with one large vein almost 100% blocked and two at 75%, a reckoning was at hand. Given his genetic propensity, one doctor told him, Obviously, God has some further purpose of you.

Just ten years earlier, his Mom had faced a similar surgery. The night before, she confided to Barry, Just between you and me, I don’t think I’m going to make it.

Not to worry, he reassured her. You’ll be just fine.

In her trip down the corridor to the operation room, she waved back a cheerful goodbye, Don’t worry about me, she said. I’ve had a wonderful life. It’s been a great ride.

She awoke the next morning with Barry looking down to greet her. Mother, this is not heaven, he said.

Her response, I stand corrected.

Now again, all feels like deja vu. Time is our most precious gift. If managed with anxiety, the stress can kill us. Yet, time wasted is time gone forever. Yet, with this operation, there’s good reason to believe all will go well. Dr. Secarus, the head of Cardiology at Sinai Hospital, is confident of a good outcome. A native of British Guiana, he’s the last surgeon on his team to hand stitch the sutures, connecting and bypassing the tiny arteries. In any case, Barry remains relaxed as he’s transferred onto an operating table, as the anesthesia takes effect, and he passes into oblivion.

Rather than the events themselves that shape who we are, our individuality, our uniqueness, is the result of how we response to those events. We are all in the clutches of unsympathetic forces that impose their negative influences on us. But the abrasiveness, the negative karma generated by obsessive materialism, demeaning human values, affecting our culture, exacerbating in Barry’s case his efforts as an artist, are now working the miracle of modern medicine on him. Now modern technologies are working to save his life.

Barry’s story, as an aspiring artist, really began when he arrived in Florence, Italy, thirty-seven years earlier. In those days, a huge urgency was pressing on him to find a way to settle in as an artist. The real wake-up came in a visit to Fiesole, outside of Florence, featuring one of Europe’s oldest archaeological treasures. On that sunny day, a catharsis occurred resulting from the agenda presented by the monk who showed him around. On that day in spring, in the year 1970, to the side of the main plaza in that ancient town of Fiesole, he ascends up a long stairway leading up to an old Franciscan monastery, now converted into an oriental museum. This Renaissance building, although lying in the heart of one of Italy’s oldest Etruscan ruins, a birthplace of Ancient Western Rome, strangely houses one of the finest collections of Oriental art in Europe.

The doors of the museum swing open and the jovial monk offers Barry a tour through his domain of treasures. After walking through the halls of tapestries, porcelain urns, and bronze figurines, the monk leads him to a particular display case facing the sunny side of the main gallery. He pulls out his keys and directs his wide-eyed visitor to close his eyes and to put out his hand. A panel door slides open and Barry can hear the monk rummaging through his mysterious cache. Still, eyes shut, suddenly he feels a sharp slap in his hand. Opening his eyes, he sees in his hand the hand of an ancient Egyptian mummy. The remnant hand is small, black and intact, starkly contrasting the white palm of his own. The monk grins in amusement and turns to another nearby counter from where he exchanges the mummified hand for an ancient sphere made of beige ivory. This sphere, called ‘a Thousand-layered Ball,’ encloses many layers within. Using a small wooden pointer, the monk aligned each delicate concentric sphere until he reaches past its 25 layers to find its core. The hopeful artist studies the intricately carved details of each layer. The outer layer comprises a maze of gnarling dragons like worms intertwined around the surface. Two layers inside form patterns of birds and then a layer of tangled woven vines and so on. More than a hundred years ago, our occidental brothers gave this amazing work to our Chinese mission, he says. For more than six hundred years, this multilayered globe had drawn mediating Buddhists into the inner sanctum of the soul and into self-discovery.

Intrigued, Barry can feel a heightened urgency to make peace with himself. Since his discharge from the military, he had meandered through several layers on a quest to regain some perspective or perhaps to rebuild his self-esteem. Still immersed in this soul-searching quest, peeling away the layers of his own confusion to get to the core of his identity seemed a daunting challenge. Florence seems to embody everything he’ll ever need as an aspiring artist, and he wants to master all of its lessons. With all its wealth of art, the city radiates a sense of timelessness. But Florence too feels overwhelming. Perhaps, if he had known the future, he would have seen his life shifting through another layer. He would have known that the best was just ahead, that he would be introduced to the great masters of Renaissance Europe such as Gilberti, della Robbia, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Gian Bologna. He would have known that his friends would be among the finest young artists of his generation and that he would dine at inexpensive restaurants and have endless discussions about art and the meaning of life with these peer friends while having the time of his life. He would have known that he would be working with some of the finest artisans of Florence, that he would be studying with the master artist and teacher, Nerina Simi, and would have known that his studio would be a penthouse overlooking one of the splendid cities of art, where a world of beauty was accessible to him by foot. He would have known that the coming year would stimulate a rich palette of new works beyond his wildest expectation and that his imagination would gush forth insights so plentiful that his hands could hardly keep up. He would have known the finest was just ahead, but all this was still unknown. Instead, he feels restless and anxious about the future.

Just four months earlier, little seemed possible. Having waded through the layers in the military and school, he had been emotionally buried in the banal confusion of surviving in New York as a struggling artist. The U.S. was still deeply divided over the Vietnam War. A year earlier, a couple of layers deeper, he was caught in that war. When discharged, he entered another layer returning to finish his architectural studies at Georgia Tech. Then, perhaps passing into another layer, he struggled for seven months in New York City, bustling around, studying art at the Academy of Design, trying to pull together a group of sculptors to share a studio and create a business for enlarging and casting the works of established sculptors. He worked two jobs: one, creating a life-size figure of pioneer Julien Dubuque for a hotel in Montana and the other with an enormous architectural firm, which was more like a factory than the nurturing ‘mother of the arts.’ In school at the National Academy of Design on scholarship, his teacher, Michael Lantz, was furious when he learned of his plans to study with Dr. Schaeffer. In some ways, you were emotionally off balance, he admits to himself. You’ve been overwhelmed for years. Your inner voice has long eluded you. In New York, you couldn’t move beyond living in the McBurney YMCA. The trauma of the military left you unsettled and alienated from the norm, especially in the big city. You made a friend at the ‘Y,’ just out of the Navy, who also seemed afflicted with the same post-military syndrome, with the same inability to settle down. An African-American, he and you went up to a local bar in Harlem which some might say was just looking for trouble. The next weekend, this former sailor went up alone and was robbed of everything on him in full daylight. Just thinking about the City makes your head spin. After hearing Dr. Schaeffer lecture in Pennsylvania, you were moved by his knowledge of art and by his sincerity and accepted his invitation to come to L’Abri. At the time, he seemed a God-sent. But now having escaped into this Schaeffer community called L’Abri, a lofty hideaway in the Swiss Alps, you wonder if L’Abri is a new beginning or a dead-end for you as an artist.

Into the fall of 1969, L’Abri seems like a Shangri-La, a heavenly haven located high in the Alps. Although in a very different layer full of awe and majestic beauty, Barry’s frustration over the previous years still nags at him. He still feels ill-at-ease. Yet, in this moment of bliss, he marvels at the immensity of the surrounding mountainous monuments to God. Only a few hundred miles to the East lay the Iron Curtain. Three thousand miles to the West is home. Europe embodies one of the richest cultures ever to emerge out of human history, possessing everything he thought he would need to become a sculptor. And yet, withdrawn high in the mountains, right in the middle of Europe, the art world seems very far away.

Here, he hopes to find new direction and maybe finally begin his career as an artist. But instead, every morning, the community puts him to work on another chore. This bright morning, he’s given the work detail of removing the ice and snow from the sidewalk leading up to the Schaeffer chalet. He had lived on hope and adrenaline for years. If his creative spirit was to emerge and flower, if there was to be some soul-searching renewal, in reality, he seems to be losing his focus. Only a week earlier, a fraction of a layer in time, he noticed a bed of roses still visible along the stone wall of the Schaeffer Chalet. The last rose of the season stood in valiant expectation, perfectly formed, rich with petals and tightly compacted. Finally, one bloom remained, all the others having withered in the cold. As the days and nights passed, this last rose unfolded its deep red plume with increasing perfection. Never was a flower more beautiful nor emitted more fragrance. It seemed in deliberate defiance, challenging the imminent change of winter. He tells himself, even a flower thrives on the rot and decay of failure. But last night, the seasonal winds turned and a storm swept through the towering Alps, washing away all remains of fall, and this final rose with its plume, seeds, and stem was buried under a blanket of snow.

With the warm sun basking against the mountain slope, Barry walks out into the fresh morning air, breathes deeply, and allows his mind to wander, imagining the fate of the rose. Its seeds washed into crevices of the soil, entombed under a sludge of decaying debris and swallowed up deep under the heavy snow. Winter has tightened her grip, freezing the land into solid ice – which brings him to his immediate assigned task, clearing away the ice and snow from the sidewalk leading up to the main chalet of the L’Abri community.

Wham! Shock waves reverberate up through Barry’s body as the tip of his shovel bounces back through him from the frozen path. Staring down at the ice-covered sidewalk leading from the road to the Schaeffer Chalet, Not a dent, he murmurs. At twenty-eight, trained for eight years in architecture and art, having fulfilled a military obligation including Vietnam, again you’re strapped by the agenda of others. Even in this lofty paradise, you seem no closer to becoming a sculptor.

Barry looks down in disbelief at the barely scratched surface. His morning’s chore is like the many mundane tasks he had endured in the Army. The firmness of cold ice seemingly mocks back at him. Having carved several intricate works in marble enjoying every minute of it, ice now conquers him. The physical challenge of chopping this frozen landscape threatens the ethereal notion that brought him here. The very act of hacking away at this frigidity conjures feelings of servitude as if he was digging his way out of his own frozen past. Such banal meaninglessness, he mouths to himself. Please, God, the Schaeffers, anyone, give me a break! When can I relax? When can I get on with my life and work? In saying it, instinctively, he allows his body to relax and turns to look at the landscape. Take the time to appreciate the beauty, he reminds himself. Be patient!

L’Abri, meaning ‘shelter’ in French, is a commune, high above the ‘real world.’ Dr. Francis Schaeffer, a Presbyterian minister, with the help of his family, teaches the Scriptures while illuminating by using art insights into Western civilization. The community was founded in the below valley in the Swiss Catholic Canton of Vaud before moving into the mountains. Switzerland, centuries earlier, was the home of the Protestant movement of John Calvin. Today, this country is filled with Protestants and Catholics. Schaeffer, like Calvin, vehemently opposes what he calls today’s imprecise interpretations of Biblical Scriptures. At times, his high ringing voice reminds Barry of the fundamentalism he grew up with in the South. However, Schaeffer has an exceptional knowledge of art and philosophy. His theology offers reasonable insights into causes behind the degeneration in values unfolding in the States and Europe in recent years. Although appearing open-minded, Schaeffer is recognized as a formidable adversary against atheism. In his high-pitched tone, he tackles questions ranging from antiquity to the schizoid vacillation between the oppressive influences of Modernism and its counterpart generating the chaos of the anti-culture. He hinges his whole premise on the wisdom of the Bible. He defends the accuracy of the Scriptures with great pugnacity. One of his favorite sayings is: If we question any part of the Scriptures, we must question it all. The Old Testament prophets, he continues, were serious about retaining scriptural accuracy. Any error in prophecy meant the penalty of death by stoning, which must have been a sobering thought for aspirant sages of ancient times when monkeying around with half-baked ideas. Yet, from his intellectual pulpit, Schaeffer fervently insists that the existence of God cannot be intellectually proven.

The would-be artist gazes out over the towering range of snow-covered Alps in a daze. L’Abri seemingly is ‘a dream come true,’ yet he wonders whether this community can really be supportive of the arts. Below is Huèmoz, a small village with hundreds of houses dotting the vast white landscape. This haven for waylaid wanderers, many from the States, forms a kind of mecca for forlorn misfits trying to escape the commonplace materialism of the ‘real world.’ The splendid attraction here, of course, is its setting. High above Europe’s rich cultural legacy, we, the lost souls of the wealthy West, converge on this modest mecca. We come in droves, seeking the meaning of life. Ours is the ‘lost generation,’ the baby boomers of the 40’s and 50’s, he says to himself. Our once respected forefathers and fathers represent that conservative old guard who had laid a foundation for the unabashed personal freedoms we enjoy, having survived the Great Depression and fought in two world wars. True, our generation was spoiled. When the Vietnam War broke out, that old guard clipped our youthful wings. Our parents were a tough breed, honed by the Depression. They knew the value of a dollar. In contrast, we were of the counterculture, full of our naive aspirations. And now, here, Barry wonders if this is just down another blind alley in his own quest for ‘the meaning of it all.’ Our rebellion seems so filled with disillusionment over the foibles of our society as we’ve grappled with its wealth and power. Yet ours was largely financed by the widespread affluence of our parents. Although those of us who served in Vietnam missed out on the flower-child movement, upon returning, we found ourselves, like the protesters, equally disconnected from the mainstream.

The extremism! he exclaims. Test this, if you will! The corporate establishment, while operating under the guise of free enterprise, while encouraging free indulgences in our private lives, grew their monopolies, suppressing grassroots initiatives. In an aimless obsession with banal materialism, the so-called defenders of freedom are consolidating their position as technological supremacists. While claiming to honor the rights of individuals, in reality, the influences have become highly rhetorical and commercialized. America’s involvement in Vietnam is, plainly and simply, the result of unchecked arrogance. How could we, under the acclaimed pretense of freedom, have gone so astray? Why is this small underdeveloped country of Vietnam, so vital to our national interest?

Following the rules, obeying orders, his two-year stint on the war side was capped off with an assignment in Vietnam as a Combat Artist. Those in the military knew little about the protest back home. Now Barry acutely feels the resentment. The War wasn’t of his making, so why now does he turn the War on himself? Here, L’Abri is a haven for protesters. Here, there is a cry for radical change. If years of conformity had taught him composure, inwardly he is seething with anger. He sees no way to make peace with such friction. Somehow, his anger must be allowed to surface so he can deal with it. Instead, he brews in fury. He is desperately anxious about the future, perhaps in part, because he is about to cross over into the forbidden age of thirty and become just another conservative deadheads ‘not to be trusted.’

For the past five years, he sought to become a sculptor. The changes that he had endured still ripple like an earthquake through his psyche.