Conversations with Myself: Meditations Along the Path to Personal Mastership

By Rache Darwin

In this unusual and transformative book, Rache Darwin tells of her personal therapeutic journey through a difficult patch in the road to achieving self-enlightenment. The story is told in a series of meditations, which take the form of conversations between her child-self, adult-self and higher self or Teacher, illustrating a process that can be used by anyone to discover the healing, comfort and guidance that lie within each of us, as close as our heartbeat.

These conversations occurred over a time span of 14 months in the midst of many solitary contemplative sessions, which opened Rache to receive instructive communications from these other "selves." The process, more than the particulars, demonstrates that we all possess a distinct, individual guiding voice and points the way to contact that innate wisdom and blaze our own path to self-understanding and mastery.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9781468527926

Rache Darwin

Rache Darwin is a writer, artist and musician residing in the northwest United States. To preserve anonymity, for personal reasons, “Rache Darwin” is this writer’s pen name.

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© 2012 by Rache Darwin. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 11/30/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4685-2791-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4685-2792-6 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Cover Art by Connie Janney

Contents

FOREWORD

PREFACE

THE SHOWER

THE POW-WOW

BEES AND KEYS

THE THREE ROCKS

BURNING OF THE BATS I

WHAT IS MY OWN WAY Meditation

CONNECT THE DOTS Meditation

THE OIL SPILL

PART OF A MINDFUL DAY

THE CROSSROADS

BURNING OF THE BATS II

GOOD

SOLILOQUY AFTER YOGA

HOW ARE WE DOING?

HUNGRY

WHAT IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY WRITING?

HUNGER II

VENTING

HUNGER III

IDENTITY

WHAT SPELLS RELIEF?

SECRETS

IRRELEVANCE

CONFUSION/DILEMMA

FEAR

WISE ATTENTION

LOVE

PAIN

CHOICE

WHAT MATTERS?

JUST

DESTRUCTION

A MEDITATION

STILLNESS

THE PLAIN

DRUGS

FUN

SAFE

PLAY

SANCTUARY

IT’S OKAY

WE ARE BREATHING

A SABBATH MEDITATION

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

LET IT ALL GO

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

TO MY CHILD

BECOMING UNSTUCK

OBLIGATIONS

HANG ON

FENCES

OUTSIDE THE FENCE: EXPLORING THE NOTION OF FREEDOM

A FABLE

PROGRESS

TRUTH

ON NOT MEDITATING

LIFE ON THE MOON

MY WAY MEDITATION II

RESISTANCE

NUTSHELL

UNTITLED

IT’S OKAY II

IT DOESN’T MATTER

UNTITLED II

THE JOKE

SAFE PLACE II

GOOD DAY/BAD DAY

EYE OF THE STORM

EPILOGUE

Connie Janney Artist’s Statement

FOR NANCY

Come now, and let us reason together…

Isaiah 1:18

I am in the midst of darkness; I am in the midst of light—for out of darkness comes the light.

I am undergoing the most amazing process, to which all of the therapeutic processes so far undertaken were but a preamble.

I have arrived at the core of my pain, the ugly, roiling, murky heart of it.

I boil as macaroni in water, troubling, rising, falling, tumbling until done.

I am not yet done.

(written to a friend, 6/3/99)

FOREWORD

It has always seemed paradoxical to me, as a therapist, to be in the business of communicating and yet feel wholly inadequate to describe therapy, the work of accompanying people on their healing journey. Much better than I ever could, this patient artistically portrays her own recovery from an eating disorder, anxiety, and depression. When I received this manuscript, I could not put it down, because it so beautifully describes her journey, as well as the journey of many people I have worked with over 25 years… plus, my own. This book is not only the process of Rache’s recovery, but the consequence of many teachers and wise people who helped me heal, giving their gifts again to Rache and now to you, the reader. The wisdom is the same—Universal, I call it. And the work is the same: be quiet, listen, and we will hear from within our own inner Teacher.

The steps that Rache learned were Mindfulness Meditation Practice and Inner Child Visualizations, or Reparenting. These tools are a combination of traditional psychotherapy and Eastern spiritual disciplines.

The Mindfulness Meditation that Rache refers to here was taught under the heading of Stress Management, a term more palatable to insurance companies. I use it with 90% of my patients, from those with anxiety disorders, to those with addictions and depression. Rache had all three issues. Clients learn to quiet their overly busy minds through focusing on breath and yoga. This onepointedness helps the client learn to observe his or her thoughts and detach from the reaction patterns he or she has been run by for years. Mindfulness practice, a form of Buddhist meditation, grounds the practitioner in the moment, regardless of what is occurring. Such presence of mind in the moment—awareness—allows the practitioner to become aware of thought and automatic behavior patterns (reacting) and then consciously change the unproductive or self-defeating patters (ex.: author notices and stops a pattern to her compulsive eating.)

Reparenting, or Inner Child Therapy, was popularized in the mid-1980’s by John Bradshaw. As Bradshaw was introducing the world to the notion of an ego state akin to a child, I was learning a similar tool. My teacher taught me to relax, visualize an inner sanctuary, or safe place, as Rache calls it throughout her writings. Step two is to ask clients to visualize seeing a child, themselves, at any age that comes to mind. This child represents their emotions, aliveness, and perhaps woundedness. Once familiar and comfortable with the child, I ask them to envision a teacher—a wise, higher self, a witnessing compassionate ego state to whom they can go for guidance, for answers. Few people have trouble or resist envisioning either of these ego states. Patients become truly healthy parents to themselves, compassionate and firm.

Through the combination of onepointedness meditation and innerchild/reparenting, clients become their own doctors, therapists, able to process their own questions, obstacles and hurdles. Most valuably, they learn to ride life’s pain versus block it, thus healing and moving forward (see Hang On, 4/9/99). Addictions result from the numbing of feelings. Recovery is the full experiencing of feelings. By being with their experience, patients learn to trust themselves and their process, and deep self-doubt melts. In its place, a grounded felt experience of trust flows in. True strength grows, and the fear of losing control fades (see Fences, 4/12/99).

Within each of us is a wise, compassionate knowing, which when given recognition, will guide us to joy, self-acceptance, forgiveness, and unity with nature, others and God. The goal of both techniques is to reconnect clients with compassion for self, and have them know the divinity within, God within, which is as close as a heartbeat. My job is to teach the tools to access it and hold the space for the individual’s process to unfold. This book is such a process, captured by a woman with literary talent and a deep passion to heal. Amid poetry, prayer, and meditation, her divine self emerges. I am grateful to know her.

Nancy Gilliam, Ph.D.

January, 2000

PREFACE

The meditative process is, for me, a voyage of discovery—a peeking into dusty, darkest corners, a delving into deepest wells, a mining of the truest ore of self.

There are always surprises, an unending acquiring of knowledge (at various times in the forms of an intense storm, a gentle fall of rain, or a distilling of dew). There are wonders, even awe; balkings, resistance, pushing away, averted face; embracing and welcome.

It is a voyage to self-realization that I will never forget, one that continues and will continue. It is the voyage of, and an opportunity for, a lifetime.

During the course of this uniquely private, intimate and solitary occupation, I began to write down some of my meditations, and have chosen selected ones from them to share with the world in the hope that others may benefit from the pattern and the process that I used, if not the specifics of the content.

I wrote some of the early pieces after the fact, from memory. Then, upon realizing how often the images were occurring (as soon as I would become still and open my heart and mind), I began to sit with pad and pen in hand or at the keyboard, during the meditative sessions and transcribe as the words and images flowed.

The sessions are organic, growing out of one another, leading into one another, progressing from one to the next. They are linear, but at the same time branching. They exist outside of time, outside the box—beyond the bounds of ordinary thinking. They reside in an essential ether, an atmosphere of their own, on another plane, if you will, within an aura of clarity unlike any I have ever known, and between parentheses of truth.

They resist editing (which is probably anathema to the publishing world, but how does one edit heartsongs?), withstand analysis, and endure, pure of intent and purpose. They are my truth, no other’s; but perhaps others may derive reassurance or enlightenment from them. If so, I will be humbly grateful.

I am thankful for the blessings of my moments and pray to come to realize them more often and fully, explore them more deeply, and enjoy them more completely.

I am very grateful to Nancy Gilliam, Ph.D., first for being, then for acting as guide, coach, advocate and champion, and to Jon Kabat Zinn for conceiving Full Catastrophe Living.

Come, join me on the path to self-discovery…

Rache Darwin

December, 1999

PROLOGUE

This book takes the form of a three-fold conversation. It is written primarily by, or from the viewpoint of, a child. I am the Child, 50-something years old, whose growth was stunted, and the Adult, who grew with my body and managed to accrue some wisdom. The third party is the Teacher, the one who knows, understands and loves (perhaps the deepest—or highest—part of myself, perhaps an inner Master, perhaps God; call it what you will). Together we conversed, and still converse, bringing our selves to a better, safer place.

For me, the months of May through October 1998 passed in a delirium of desperate manic-depression. During those months, I left my home and husband,