I Am White: Eagle Woman Flies with Raven

By Rita Makkanaw and Carina Christensen

I Am White: Eagle Woman Flies with Raven shares the biography of Rita Makkannaw, who immigrated from Denmark to Canada at a very young age with her family. After enduring a sexually charged incident with her father, she ran away from home at age sixteen. She entered into an abusive marriage, but managed to obtain an education, career, and raise two children in spite of her troubles.

Then in 1987, at age forty, Rita began to have many new spiritual experiences, discovering in the process a completely new world. She met and fell in love with a Cree First Nations Medicine Man, Raven Makkannaw. With her new relationship, she began a twenty-year apprenticeship in spirituality, native history, and philosophy. Raven and Rita devoted their lives to bringing understanding and harmony to the modern world. Their message was that the old teachings were as relevant today as they were for hundreds of generations past. Human nature has not changedit is only that we live our lives in very different ways.

I Am White presents the memoir of a woman who immersed herself in Cree culture after finding the love of her life. It is a story of a life transformed by love, spirituality, and acceptance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Jan 26, 2011
• ISBN: 9781426951534

Rita Makkanaw

Rita Makkannaw met and fell in love with Raven Makkannaw, her late husband, in 1987. She currently lives in Alberta, Canada.

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Chapter 1

From Dream to Nightmare

It was a beautiful fall day in 1961 and I was on my way home from school. I was shaking my head to make my long ponytail swing back and forth on my back, as I climbed up the trail of the Notikewin River bank, which was a short-cut to home.

I turned for a final look at the river, before it would be out of sight. I felt the beauty of that autumn day with the crisp clear air after the first killer frost a few nights earlier. The water looked bright blue as it reflected the cloudless sky. The yellow leaves of the poplar trees lining the river bank were beginning to fall. They were silently flowing through the air down to the water where they floated and bobbed in the slow-moving current.

How I loved the fall and the sound of my feet shuffling through the crisp fallen leaves. At the age of sixteen, I was generally satisfied with life. I loved school too. It had taken time though, as I had immigrated to Canada from Denmark seven years before with my mother and five brothers and sisters. We had landed in Grande Prairie in the Peace River Country of Northern Alberta, but were now living in Manning, a village in the far north with a population of about five hundred.

We had dreams of a good life in a new land.

When we first came I was teased at school because I dressed funny and did not speak the language. I never seemed to fit in with the rest of my classmates, but I loved to learn and to read.

I was pretty much a loner in school, but that was not bad as I had many older friends and a good social life outside of school. We used to hang out together downtown in the two restaurants or just do some cruising, as we used to say. That was just driving up one street and down the other. There were only two streets downtown both lined with small shops and a movie theater where we all went on most Saturday nights. That does not sound like much, but we had fun together. We always sang the latest songs on the hit parade. There was only one radio station: CKYL out of Peace River. When a good song came on the radio we would stop the cars and get out and dance in the gravel streets. Everyone always had funny jokes to tell. Life was simple, but good.

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to happen next. My life was to be turned upside down in just a few minutes. As I approached our little wooden house, which we had built just a few years earlier, I saw my father sitting by the kitchen table as he always did, but when I entered the house, he was not there. His half-eaten meal was still on the table. I thought it was strange as I had just seen him and now he was gone. I went directly through the kitchen and the living room and opened the door to the small bedroom I shared with my younger sister Karin, just as I had done hundreds of times before. As I opened the door, there stood my father in the middle of my bedroom with his pants around his ankles, fully exposed from the waist down. I quietly closed the door and slowly backed up, through the living room, and the kitchen and into my brothers’ bedroom.

My head was pounding, my knees were weak, I could not think. My father had never before been in my bedroom. What was he doing there? Why would he take his pants off and wait for me in my bedroom? I could think of only one reason. He was going to try to have sex with me.

In those years no male person would even be seen in underwear in front of us girls. Not even my brothers. It simply wasn’t done. Now there he stood naked from the waist down in my bedroom, exposing himself.

I stood in the middle of the floor, holding my breath for as long as I could. I was terrified that he might hear the sound of my breathing and find me. After what seemed like an eternity, I heard my father’s footsteps in the kitchen. I was as quiet as could be, but my heart was pounding so loudly I was afraid he would hear it. All I could think of was to escape, but I would have to go through the kitchen where he was. I prayed silently that he would just leave. No such luck. I could hear his heavy footsteps coming toward the boys’ room and I realized he was too close to the doorway and I could not escape. As he entered, he came up to me and put his arms around me.

That was the only time in my life my father touched me. I instantly became nauseated. I could not stand his shop smell on me. I started breathing through my mouth to ease the smell. My stomach was turning, my head was spinning and I thought I was going to throw up. His blacksmith’s arms were so strong I knew I could never defend myself against him. I had to figure out a way to escape from his powerful grip.

I am sorry you had to see that, he said.

I have to go to the bathroom, I said and quickly pushed him away.  To my relief he released me and I ran outside and hid behind the house. Then I started heaving. My stomach was empty. Then came the yellow bile and it was so bitter.

The bitterness helped me keep my sanity. What was he thinking? Why would he show himself to me in that way? It made me sick to think about what his intentions might be. I was terrified. I had to get out of there. It took all my energy just to think of the next move. I was afraid to start walking across the open field behind our house as he would see me for sure.

After what seemed like an eternity, I heard the door open and close behind him. I snuck down to the end of the house and saw him walk toward the shop. As soon as he was out of sight I snuck back into the house and grabbed the forty dollars Mom was keeping safe for me. I ran as fast as I could, out the door and across the newly plowed field. It was only when I reached the safety of the trees on the other side that I stopped. I broke out in tears and my brain slowly began to function again.

Through the pain, the fear and the tears, all I could think about was to get to our friends Bob and Betty who lived fifteen kilometers south-east of Manning. At least there I would be safe.

In a state of shock and with my head pounding, I headed east. All I thought about was putting one foot in front of the other. As I looked down at my feet, they at least looked real. They were solid. They were the same as before. I just kept looking at them in wonder as they projected me forward. After about an hour of half walking and half running, with tears rolling down my face, I looked up for the first time. I was travelling across a ploughed field and about twenty-five meters away was a row of trees.

Suddenly out of the trees stepped the biggest black bear I had ever seen. He stood up on his hind legs and just looked at me. My heart moved up into my throat as I stood there face to face with that bear. I hardly dared to breathe. Slowly, I began backing up. My knees were weak as I took one step at a time backwards. The bear looked as if it were frozen. It never moved. We just watched one another as I started to walk slowly backwards. I was in a state of terror. Finally I reached a field of high grass behind me. The bear went back on all fours, but continued watching me.

Exhaustion overcame me and I collapsed to the ground. I just laid there on my back looking up at the sky. As I lay there, a gigantic eagle started circling above my head. How beautiful, I thought, if only I could be so free. How wonderful it would be to fly like the eagle. As it circled, my thoughts were drawn to the past and how I ended up where I was on that day.

I recalled how in April 1954 my father moved to Canada and Mom followed with the six of us in tow the following December. I was third in the family. There were promises of land for ten dollars for a quarter section, one half mile by one half mile. We did get the land, but had to clear it and ready it for crops or we would lose it. How I hated the farm and the way my father made us work out there. We started our new life in Grande Prairie, in northern Alberta. We were poor, could not speak the language, and not at all prepared for the cold Canadian winters. Dad found an old log house for us to live in. It was so cold that frost would collect around the edges of the floor and the electrical outlets would frost up. It was nothing short of a miracle that the place did not burn to the ground.

I thought about how, on the coldest days, I had walked to school behind my older brother and sister with tears freezing on my cheeks. We had only our thin corduroy coats Mom made for us and gum boots which were not at all appropriate for the cold Canadian climate.

The only sound we would hear as we walked to school in the darkness was the crunch of the dry white snow under our feet as no one even tried to start their vehicles when the thermometer dipped down to -40 degrees centigrade or Fahrenheit (it’s the same). When we finally arrived, the school would be closed due to the cold. Closures were always announced on the radio, but we did not have a radio. We could not have understood it anyway even if we did.

I remembered my mother’s old saying that God looks after the dumb, the drunk and the blind. Someone certainly had looked after us as no one got sick, or frostbite and I do not remember ever being really unhappy. We would all sit in a row on the kitchen counter and sing the old songs like Der er et Yndigt Land, I Danmark er Jeg Født, and Vi Sejler op ad Åen, which are all about our fatherland. When we got tired of that, we would play active games to stay warm. We were children and we needed to move. We survived and we were happy and healthy.

I remembered how on May 14th, 1955, my 10th birthday, we moved to the small, isolated community of Manning, where my father opened his own blacksmith shop. We rented a little thirty-six square meter house close to the shop. There were eight of us squeezed in. I hated the crowdedness and spent as little time in the house as possible. I would visit friends’ houses or go exploring or swimming in the river which ran through the town. We were poor, but so were most others.

We got the land we had dreamed about in Denmark, but that turned out to be another nightmare as it was all forest and we had to clear it and ready it for crops, or we would lose it. How I hated the farm and the way my father made us work out there every weekend throughout the summers from dawn until dusk.

We had come a long way, though, in the seven years we had lived in Canada. We had built our own home, had acquired modern blue jeans and warm jackets and boots. We had overcome many challenges, including the language barrier and were well established in our little community.

As I lay there I suddenly felt the deepest loneliness of having no grandparents, no aunts or uncles or cousins. At that moment I realized that I was on my own and had to take care of myself. The eagle kept circling and as I watched it I wondered if it would take care of me.

Suddenly I knew I had to make a plan, but for now I was too tired to think. Soon I went to sleep and started dreaming. I dreamt the bear came and stood over me. As it gently put its paws around me and held me, I felt a total peace take over my mind, heart and body. Suddenly the bear disappeared and I awoke. The eagle was also gone. I had no idea how long I had slept as I had no watch. I slowly got up and continued the walk to Bob and Betty’s. I did not think much. I just felt empty as I continued on my journey. In the emptiness was relief. I did not have to think about anything. I just once again put one foot in front of the other until I arrived at my refuge and safety.

I arrived in late afternoon and as I entered they were ever so surprised to see me.

What are you doing here? asked Betty

I ran away. I said and could say no more.

I ran out of the house and behind the building that had previously been a store. There I sank to the ground and began once more to sob. Soon Bob came out and just sat with me saying nothing for a long time. He just let me cry until I stopped. Then he asked what had happened. I told him. He told me not to worry, that I could stay with them as long as I wanted. I started to sob once more, this time out of relief. I was safe.

That night Bob and Betty went into Manning to pick up my clothes. They just whispered to Mom that I was with them and safe. Betty assured my mother that it was okay for me to stay there. Mom packed what I needed. They told me that my father had acted as if nothing had happened. He just talked as usual.

I could not go to school from Bob and Betty’s as it was too far and I had no transportation. A week later I went to town with Betty and did go and see Mom at her work. She asked me what had happened. I told her that Dad just lost it and I became very afraid. She said she had seen that side of him before, and to take whatever time I needed to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. She assured me that I could always come home any time. That thought just frightened me no end. I knew I could not stay there again.

After about a month at Bob and Betty’s, I realized that I could no longer just stay with them either. I had to get my life in order and sitting out in the country was not moving me ahead in any way. I was not going to school and without transportation I could not work. I decided I had to get to Edmonton, which was six hundred kilometers away, but was the nearest city. At least there I could find work and it was far away from Manning. First I needed money and city clothes. All I had was two pairs of blue jeans and three tops.

With my goal of escape clearly in my mind, I set out to do whatever it took to achieve it. The only way I could get money to escape was to work, and the only way I could work

was to temporarily move back home. I had to make a plan.

I got a job in a local restaurant as I could at least wait on tables, and with the tips I would have instant cash. I took evening and night shifts so I could go back to school. That way I was never home during the day when my father would have the opportunity to be alone with me. It worked, but I knew this arrangement could not continue for long. It was too stressful to face my father and I was not getting enough sleep.

Finally, just after Christmas, I decided it was time to catch a ride to Edmonton. I had purchased clothes which would suffice for work and I had forty dollars in my pocket. I thought I could rent a room for about twenty-five dollars and that would give me enough to eat until I got my first paycheck. I had an address for Helge and Karen-Margrete Ahlefelt, who had visited us a couple of years before. They had told me that I could come and visit any time.

It was January and bitterly cold. Every day I went out early in the morning and went from store to store until closing time. I could not find work, but I could not go back home. Karen-Margrete advised me to take a job as a live-in nanny. That way I would have a roof over my head and three square meals a day. That seemed a good solution at the time.

Little was I to know that once again I would learn a major life lesson. My employer was a well known lawyer in Edmonton. Living with them revealed to me the amazing knowledge that you did not have to be very smart to become well-educated. He certainly knew law. He knew all about football. She knew all about bowling and fashion, but when it came to world affairs, my poor immigrant parents knew more than they and their friends. I then concluded that I too could get an education if the opportunity ever arose. Being a nanny was not exactly what I had in mind when moving to Edmonton.

Jack Thompson, whom I had met about a year before moving, came to Edmonton one day. I really liked him and it was great to have someone to go out with on my one day off a week.

Ironically it was my father who introduced me to him when he caught a ride home to Manning from Peace River at Christmas. My father liked his aquavit, a Danish liquor, Jack liked his lemon gin. They mixed the two liquors together, both thinking the other’s was a mix. When they arrived home they were both very drunk. I did not recognize that in Jack as he was just funny. Jack and I went to the local Boxing-day dance together on December 26th. We had continued to see each now and again since.

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Chapter 2

Marriage and Children

One day Jack came to Edmonton. He was mate on a Canadian Coastguard boat and worked every summer on the Mackenzie River. They set out buoys and targets, which are wooden structures set on the banks of the river. The boat captains would aim for them in order to navigate through deep-enough water. Jack was always up north through the summer shipping season. Now he was on stand-by time. He drove a turquoise 1957 Chevy Biscayne, which was the hot car of the day. He was good-looking and as he was fifteen years older seemed very mature to me. I was impressed.

We would go out together on my one day off a week. It was good to have him there. At least he was steady, had good employment and I loved being with him. We would drive all over the country and then go for hamburgers for supper. That was a novelty for me as there were no hamburger joints up north.

One day he told me there was something he had to tell me. I have a six-year-old daughter and her mother is Native, he said. I am not seeing the mother.

Where is your daughter? I asked.

She stays with her grandparents. She is okay there. I got a letter in the mail saying I was the father. When my mother found out, she told me she would sooner that I go to jail than marry an Indian. My sister had married a Métis man and she was not pleased. She told me to see a certain lawyer and he took care of it. The paternity suit was dropped. I do not know what he did, but I never heard anything again.

I thought that if we got married we might have an instant family which would include a child to take care of. I actually liked the idea, but Jack said he would not take her away from her grandfather. They were inseparable.

One day Jack rented a motel room and took me there. I was so nervous, as I had never been alone in a room with a man before. After we had eaten our fill of smoked oysters and crackers, we ended up in bed. He was so gentle and kind, but in a hurry. I knew nothing about sex. Before I knew it, it was over and I wondered what was good about that. What a shock!

A month later I knew I was pregnant. I was only 17. When I told him, he made me go to a doctor to confirm it. Sure enough, I was. It was the first of April and he would be going north soon. I told him he did not have to marry me, that I could just continue to stay where I was and I would make out. I was not sure if he wanted me or not. I knew I wanted him, but never wanted to make him feel I had trapped him. He agreed we should get married, so it had to be right away as he would be leaving and I wanted to go north with him. That afternoon we went shopping for an engagement ring. Then I called my Mom and told her to get ready for a wedding since we had decided to get married before he left for the north, so I could accompany him.

My poor mother. I gave her only ten days to prepare. She rented a hall, hired a caterer and a band even before we came home. Invitations were by phone. We had no out-of-town relations or friends so it was not too difficult. We arrived home five days before the wedding. Mom and I went to Peace River and purchased a wedding dress. My sister Karin and Jack’s brother Larry stood up for us so everything went very smoothly. The only problem was that my father would not allow an open wedding dance as they could not have liquor if we opened it up. He would not allow anyone under age twenty-one except family to attend. That meant many of my friends could not come. I was really sad about that, but could not stand up to him at that time.

Jack just told me it was not important so leave it alone. He also refused to go to a church. We solved that by being married at my parents’ place with only family present. I was really happy about getting married to him, so accepted the situation and made the best of it. I was just seventeen, he was thirty-two.

I knew he loved children and I wanted a good father for mine. He didn’t drink much and was never disorderly. He was a sharp dresser and always drove a nice car. I was looking forward to a good life with him. I was excited about being a mother too. Life was good on this my wedding day.

Little could I know that within just a few hours my life would once again come crashing down.

The wedding ceremony, the supper and the dance went well. I did miss my friends, but had accepted that they could not come. The night came to a close and off we went to a nearby motel. I was so nervous. Jack said nothing and took off his clothes and jumped into bed. I turned my back when he undressed as I did not think I should watch. I went and got my suitcase and decided to go and change in the bathroom.

Turn the lights out! he said. I do not want anyone to know we are here.

When I came out and crawled into bed beside him, he said, I do not believe in kissing and hugging and all that stuff. You will have to put out whenever I want you because a man has to have what a man has to have. If you do not, I will be forced to go somewhere else and it will be your fault. You would not want that, would you?

No, I said quietly, not knowing what else to say.

He then jumped on top of me and took me. The whole process lasted less than thirty seconds. He got off, turned over and went to sleep. I was a mess in every way. I hated the feel of the wetness between my legs and quietly got out of bed and went and washed up. There, I thought, that’s one thing taken care of. How do I take care of the let-down feeling in my heart and the pit of my stomach?

The pain was almost unbearable. I had dreams of a loving relationship with my husband, children, a home filled with love and laughter. I realized then that he wanted sex and that was it. He really did not care about me. I knew he liked the idea of being married, as he had often said he longed to have a wife. I wondered if I should have seen it coming, but I could not see how I could have. He had hugged and kissed until that night. As I got back into bed I lay awake for a long time trying to figure out what to do now. I knew he did not love me, but could I live without love? I knew he would be a good father and I was ever so aware of the child I was carrying and that I wanted him or her to have the best. I knew he was a good provider. I knew he was safe. Of those things I was sure.

In those years divorce was very rare and to think of leaving for such frivolous reasons without even giving our marriage a chance was just not an option. I came to the conclusion that if I would just be the best mother and wife then he would eventually love me. He would not be able to help it. Now I had a plan of how I could live despite feeling I was deceived and raped by my new husband. It was nearly daybreak when I dozed off.

Soon I was awakened by him and he took me again. I just let him, as I knew it was a part of the plan.

On April 14, 1963, we turned on the radio and heard how the river at Hay River, the town in the Northwest Territories that we were supposed to move to, was blocked by an ice jam and the whole town where we were to live was flooded. When we enquired, we learned that would not be able to get housing, so I would not be able to go north with him after all.

I did not want to live in Manning. I was afraid of what might happen with my father. Besides, since I was pregnant, I would sooner be away where no one would be watching to see how soon my stomach would grow big.

I told Jack that I wanted to live in Edmonton and he was happy to oblige as then he did not have to drive from Manning to catch a plane for the north. We found the most awful basement suite ever, in a private home. Everything from couch to chairs to floors was various shades of red. The windows were so small they hardly let any light in and were certainly not big enough for escape in case of fire.

The home was located in Jasper Place which was not a part of Edmonton at that time. That made it cheaper. Jack told me that since the landlord was a cop I would be safe and he would not have to worry about me.

He decided to put his car in storage as he did not want me driving it. I was just grateful to be near buses so I could easily get around. He would not allow me to purchase a television either. We did not have it up north and I never thought much about it at the time. As soon as we were settled, Ethel, who I thought was my friend, came to stay. Ethel was a girl who I knew from school. She had a crush on my older brother and they were seriously dating. Jack invited her to come, but I was not pleased as we only had a few precious weeks together, and I so wanted to prove how good a wife I would be to him. I really felt she was intruding, but Jack insisted it was a great idea.

She and Jack really gave me a hard time. They would laugh at everything I did. When I cooked a meal, they would sit and play with the food and laugh together. I was heartbroken.

Nothing was good except my pregnancy. Jack reluctantly put my name on his bank account as there was no other way in those days to get funds to me. I did not have a bank account. He told me I could only buy food and pay rent. I was not to buy anything until he was there. I did think that was reasonable, as after all it was his money. Soon the day came for Jack to leave. I was expecting to go to the airport, but he would not hear of it. He said it was too embarrassing to say good-bye in public. I was devastated. Ethel told me she wanted to go back to Manning, so she left too and I was alone. I thought she would stay for a while, but after the way she treated me I was not sorry to see her go.

That summer I spent mostly exploring. I would walk two kilometers to the city bus stop and hop the first bus going anywhere and ride it until it came back to my bus stop. I spent time making baby clothes and lived a very quiet and lonely life without friends and without family. I missed Jack terribly. He did write a few times; I would read and reread his letters over and over. I kept hoping that he would have a change of heart after being away. Life went on one day after the other. I loved being pregnant. It was that little life that kept me going.

One day in October Jack suddenly appeared at the door. He had not let me know he was

coming. I was so happy to see him that it really did not matter. I was eight months pregnant by that time and knew I could not bring a new baby to that horrible place we were living in. He agreed to find something better. We found a cute attic suite where we had trees and hundreds of birds outside the window. I was getting close to giving birth and I was happy. The first thing Jack did was go and buy a television. That was the first time I really began to see who he was and it was not pretty. He was so selfish and I was beginning to wonder how I could ever make a life with him. My hope was still pinned on the expectation that he would be a good father and in time he would care for me when he saw how good I was.

On December the 5th, 1963, my waters broke and Jack drove me to the hospital. After I was admitted and settled, he informed me that there was a hockey game on TV, so as nothing would happen for hours yet he might as well go home. He left and never came back. Margo was born shortly after six the next morning. Although I had specifically told them I wanted to be conscious for her birth, they had put me under at the last moment