The Journal: Messages to Kara

By Blake Matthew James

Filled with both comedy and sadness, this story is about my life form the time I was 17 and Kara,the woman who has been forefront in my life playing both a supporting character and a sometimes an unknowing nemesis, in a good way.

The Journal Messages to Kara is a coming of age story, one that is littered in romanticism and laughter, tears and sadness, melancholy and confusion.
From the time we first met it was her eyes, her smile, and just the way she would move her hair. By the next day, hearing her dreams and aspirations, and seeing her ambition and drive, by that small glimpse into her soul I felt an unconditional love for the girl I knew and the
women that I knew she would be. Who could have thought that a chance meeting with Kara over 20 years ago would still impact me today? Anyone who has met Kara!

This is a book for all ages, young, old, and young at heart, and for the dreamers who feel that you
know that someone, tell them tonight.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 17, 2010
• ISBN: 9781456711139

Blake Matthew James

Blake Matthew James graduated from a small school in Northern Wisconsin after a classification of being "L.D." (learning disabled), being voted class clown and receiving spirited student awards. With the help of some important teachers, Blake made it through with a signed diploma. His troubled love life pushed him to the open road, where he pursued a career in trucking as well as first allowing himself the time to pick up a pen and paper and start writing to the girl of his dreams. Never would he imagine that he could write this story, he would throw out his journals along his driven route. Through misfortune, bad luck and bad breaks, Blake fell as far as you could go, ending up homeless. Blake decided enough was enough and set out on a mission to prove his worth in an unforgiving world. When opportunity did strike, Blake's eyes were open and with his mentor at his side, he was able to learn the right way in life. Blake didn't stop, making his positive attitude work for him, opening up doors he couldn't dreamabout years previously.

Book preview

1

There is no way anyone would ever call me a techie. Actually, there isn’t a chance in hell of that word, and me, ever being associated with each other. I tried to keep my involvement with computers and my online presence to a minimum, I didn’t see the point of it. However, then again, maybe that’s why it has taken me the better part of two decades to get to where I am today, with her. Maybe if I would have jumped on the social networking train a little bit sooner, I would have been able to find the love of my life, again, before right now.

It was a typical night. I was sitting on my couch, watching TV, and truth be told, she hadn’t crossed my mind. At least not this evening, not yet.

At this point in my life, I was the typical bachelor and I did typical bachelor things. I worked, I watched football, I dated women, the same stuff that any guy in his 30’s does when he isn’t married. Sure, I had plenty of friends that were married, had kids, it’s not as if I lived like a college student, it’s just I hadn’t got to that point. Of course, I had the chance before, plenty of them, but I always seemed to run into a wall and she seemed to always be the wall. She was with me, even when she wasn’t, even when she was hundreds of miles away. She was my hold-up and truthfully, I was okay with that, I had gotten used to her ghost a long time ago.

It’s not as if she haunted me. The memory of her actually was something that changed all the time with me and there was a part of me that knew, in some regard, she was my destiny, that she had been from the moment I met her, back in high school.

I flipped the channel again and stared at the TV, on the screen, one sitcom character addressed another by name. My ears perked up, the way they always did when I heard her name.

Whatever Kara, you have no idea what you are talking about.

I regarded both characters. The character who I assumed to be Kara couldn’t look like her less. I suppose if she looked anything like her, I might have watched, but she didn’t, so I changed the channel.

Unfortunately, she was now front and center in my mind. I looked briefly at the clock. It was only six o’clock. God, I thought to myself, it’s probably going to be a long night.

It was at that moment, the doorbell rang, I got up to answer it, hoping it would be a distraction that could take my mind off of her long enough so that I could forget her until the next time her name popped into my head. I laughed to myself, I was the only person in the world that actively hoped Jehovah’s Witnesses would show up at my door.

However, by the time I reached the door, it was already opening. No Jehovah’s Witnesses, I thought, but it was a distraction.

My buddy Doug opened the door, cell phone pressed to his ear, juggling a six pack of beer and what looked, and smelled like, Chinese takeout from the place on the corner.

I nodded a greeting and grabbed the items from his hands, he was obviously busy with whatever was going on with the person he was talking to.

Yeah, yeah, man. Seriously, I know, I was online the other day at the same time she was, we talked real quick, Doug said to the phone.

He was silent for a minute, listening to whatever the person on the other end was saying.

I walked into the kitchen and put the Chinese on the counter. I looked in the bag, hoping he brought what I liked. Crispy Pepper Beef. Good. I took a beer from the carrier and placed the rest in the refrigerator. I grabbed another and placed it on the counter.

Doug’s voice boomed throughout my house. No kidding!? She didn’t? When did she Facebook you?

I started to tune him out, walking back to the TV and sitting down with my beer. I had known Doug for years, I could tune him out very easily.

I picked up the controller again and started aimlessly flipping channels. I found myself wishing that Doug would get off the phone, talk to me, so I could get my mind off of her.

I heard Doug’s voice again. No shit! Ha! Seriously, I know, I don’t know why anyone puts shit on that, it’s like, you can find out anything about anyone, stupid.

I had no idea what he was talking about and I found that I didn’t necessarily care. I also felt testy. I could feel myself starting to dwell on her again and this was not how I wanted to spend my evening.

I finally turned around, Seriously man, what the hell, get off the phone!

Doug looked in my direction. What are you? My wife? He turned back to the caller, I have to go, I think Joe’s on his period.

I rolled my eyes. Even though, I did feel like a nag, whatever, the point was to delve into some mindless guy bullshitting and get on with my night.

Doug finally clicked his phone shut. What the hell is your problem? he asked as he cracked his beer open and flopped down on the couch next to me.

Maybe I’m on my period, you ass.

Doug snorted. Whatever. What are you watching?

Nothing. I tossed the controller in his direction. Who was that?

Oh, it was my buddy Ty, I went to college with him. He called me to tell me about this chick that we used to know from school, she Facebooked him last night out of nowhere. She had already been my friend.

Sure, I was probably a luddite, but I had no idea what he was talking about.

She what? What the hell is Facebook?

Doug looked in my direction with a look on his face that clearly expressed that fact that he thought I was a loser. Are you serious?

Yes, I’m serious. What the hell is Facebook?

You know, it’s like MySpace, just less stupid.

That statement meant nothing to me, I wasn’t into any of that BS, what did people call it? Social Networking? I preferred to call it a pain in the ass. I didn’t have time for it.

Doug apparently took my silence as interest, because he continued talking. So anyway, yeah, this chick we knew in college, she was crazy, well, anyway, out of nowhere, she Facebooked him last night and apparently, she still lives around here. She and I exchanged some messages the other night, but I might have to take it to another level, I might have to look her up, friend her, you know? I wouldn’t mind hooking back up with her again, if you know what I mean.

I looked at him and grimaced. And you knew her what? Ten, fifteen years ago? How do you know she doesn’t have a fat ass and six kids.

Doug waved me off, whatever, that’s part of the fun.

I looked at him and something started to flutter around the edges of my brain. Doug wanted to look this girl up, see what time had done to her, if it had treated her kindly or . . . well, not so kindly.

She walked into my head again.

Damn, I had almost been there, I had almost succeeded in getting her off my mind. Who would have thought a conversation with Doug would have brought me back to what I was thinking about before he got here.

The rest of the evening wore on. I felt distracted with something. It was as if I was on the verge of some sort of revelation. That I was at a precipice and I was unsure which way I should go. Should I even look?

I was looking at the TV without registering what I was looking at. It was then that I realized Doug was talking to me.

Yo! Joe! What do you think?

Huh? I looked at him, shaking my head. I had no idea what he was talking about.

What do you think about this weekend?

What about it?

Where are you right now? You’ve been in space since I got here.

Sorry, just stuff on my mind. Stuff that I did not want to get into with Doug. He would really think I was on my period if I started talking about her.

Jeez, anyway, we were all thinking about driving down to Chicago this weekend. Are you in?

For the whole weekend?

Yeah.

No, can’t, have work to do.

Too bad. Doug’s phone beeped. He flicked it open, reading, he must have a text. He

glanced at his watch. Hey, that’s Jack. He’s out grabbing a drink. You want to go?

That was the last thing I wanted to do. I actually wanted nothing more than to be all alone. Organize these thoughts.

Oh, no, no thanks. It’s getting late. I looked at the clock, it was 8:45. Early.

Doug looked at me skeptically. Late? It’s not even nine?

I know, I know, I just can’t go. I have things to do.

You got a girl coming over?

I snorted. I wish. Maybe then I wouldn’t be focused on her. Nah, I probably would be. What the hell was wrong with me?

No, like I said, just stuff on my mind.

Doug sniffed. Well, okay, whatever. Anyway, I’m going. I knew he thought that I was in a mood, but would never say he thought I was . . . .guys didn’t talk that way.

He left quickly, the promise of a livelyatmosphere, outside of this house, had him on his feet, out the door.

Frankly, at that point, I was happy to be alone. There were enough people talking in my head, I didn’t need actual people talking to me.

I put my beer on the coffee table and turned the TV off. I sat staring off into space, weighing the pro’s and con’s carefully to myself.

From the corner of my eye, I could see my laptop sitting on my small writing desk in the corner. I tried to ignore its presence, but suddenly, it had taken on a life of its own, and it called out to me.

I turned the TV back on and turned up the volume, hoping to drown out the thoughts.

It didn’t work, nothing on TV was interesting and there was my laptop, beckoning me, calling to me, luring me.

I picked up my beer again, took a deep swig, and then slammed it back down on the table, with force. I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t control what I was thinking about doing next.

I walked quickly across the room and popped the laptop open, switching it on in one motion. I tapped my foot nervously under the desk. It was taking an eternity for this thing to boot up. Dammit, if it took too long, I would talk myself out of what I was considering.

Finally, the welcome screen flashed in front of me and I nervously directed the mouse to Internet Explorer. I hoped this would all be too complicated and that I could forget about it. I prayed that would be the case.

I typed in the internet address that I figured would go with what Doug spoke about.

www.facebook.com.

I pressed Enter.

Suddenly, my computer, sensing my anxiety, sped up and it took less than a second to open the sight. It either knew that my anxiety was stemmed in excitement or regret, I wondered if it knew which one it was, I sure as hell didn’t.

Okay, I thought, register. I