I Don’T Want To, God: Wrestling with God Is Normal

By Rev. Dr. Charlie B. Mayson

At times we find ourselves in situations that we think are unjust, unspeakable, or just not right. We may shake out fists at God and then feel guilty. I DONT WANT TO GOD is the opportunity to see that wrestling with God is normal. Dr. Charlie Mayson looks at the lives of Isaac, Abraham, Sarah, and the other heroes of the faith named in the Pauls letter to the Hebrews. He shows us that wrestling with God was not only for these bible heroes, but is normal for us as we struggle to do Gods will.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Aug 29, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456795436

Rev. Dr. Charlie B. Mayson

Rev. Dr. Charlie B. Mayson is an ex-army helicopter pilot, corporate executive, and business owner. He was called into the ministry and after seminary began to minister in southern Virginia. After failed marriages, entry into alcohol recovery, and marriage to the girl of his dreams, life showed up. He was falsely arrested, unfairly convicted, and jailed for something he did not do. He is currently facing a six-year prison term. As a man of God he has been tested to the extent of his faith. God has continued to provide for his needs while also using his experience as a model for others who have had life show up and kick their doors in. He currently resides in Petersburg, VA, and pastors a ministry for those in drug and alcohol recovery. He is married to Sheila, an RN, who works at the local physical recovery hospital. He can be contacted at [e-mail], or at his web site at behindtheglass.vpweb.com.

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Chapter One

Let’s Review

It is a wonderful, early fall day in southeastern Virginia. In the middle of the afternoon it is sixty-eight degrees with no wind. The sun is shining right through the open door to the screened-in porch. The fall, so far, has been unusually warm, so the leaves were a little late in changing colors and are just now starting to fall. Of course, I have no expert knowledge as to when the leaves usually turn and fall; all I really know is that soon I will be out mulching up the leaves and preparing my pathetic lawn for the winter. We had a hot summer and a warm fall, so I guess the winter is bound to be colder than usual this year. Great! Being the hyper-vigilant person that I am, my load of firewood is being delivered and stacked as we speak. I have also changed the oil in my generator and filled it with fresh gas, and I have three five-gallon plastic gas containers ready to fuel it, if necessary. My generator battery is charged, and I just started it to ensure it is running properly. Yeah, I know, the medicine does actually help.

We’ve already changed back from Daylight Saving Time, so the days seem to fly by. The sun is lower in the sky, and outings on my Harley are getting fewer and fewer. It is several days before my son’s twentieth birthday, two weeks before Thanksgiving, and a month and a half of shopping days until Christmas. The date, however; that is fixed mostly in my mind is December 3. One year ago on that date, I was wrongfully found guilty for a crime I did not commit, jailed, and subsequently spent all of the Advent season, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, and Super Bowl Sunday in jail. Funny how those dates that come with massive emotional trauma languish in the recesses of our minds.

Oh, yeah, for some reason I have yet to understand, some of you might not have read the first two books in this series, so you probably don’t know what’s going on. Well, I am glad you have finally come to your senses and decided to read one of my amazing contributions to the Library of Congress. Fear not; if you have not read what has happened up to this point, this volume can stand alone, and you will be able to follow along in fine fashion. For your sake, however, and to refresh the memory of my faithful followers, I will use this first chapter to review the major points. I would recommend that you check your sofas, love seats, and recliners for some spare change and actually purchase the first two books. Who knows? I might become famous one day, and you will have bragging rights as the first folks to recognize my genius!

I promise that this volume will have less about me and more about the material I want to present. In actuality, my current place in the legal system is slow and unpredictable, not filled with court appearances and lawyer appointments. So, as of right now, there is little progress to offer as an update. It is my sincere belief that I will actually have this project finished before any final decisions are made. I will keep you updated, however, as I continue to write about my legal status and any impending decisions, up to the point when I submit this manuscript for publication.

Trust me, friends, writing about myself and discussing my plight is not easy for me. It does nothing but stir up feelings of dread, anger, resentment, and disbelief, to name a few. Yet this entire unjust situation is a great platform in which to declare my faith in God. It also makes me keenly aware of my lack of faith at times, my halting desire to completely accept God’s will for my life and mostly, my very human desire to wrestle with Him, because I don’t want to, God!

Some of you may remember the story of Peter, the disciple of Jesus, and his ill-fated attempt at walking on the water. Jesus had stayed behind to pray and had sent the disciples ahead of Him to cross the Sea of Galilee to be in place for more training. To catch up with them, Jesus walked across the lake to get to the other side to join His disciples. In the book of Matthew 14:28–30, Matthew tells us: And Peter answered Him and said, ‘Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.’ And He said, ‘Come!’ And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. Now, here is where I can relate to the story: But seeing the wind, he became afraid, and beginning to sink, he cried out, saying, ‘Lord, save me!’

My situation is not any more severe than what some of you have gone through. I am not saying I have been more traumatized than anyone else. Living with cancer, economic ruin, dysfunctional family environments, or unfaithful spouses, to name a few, come with horrific physical, mental, and spiritual burdens. I think we can all agree, however, that staring down the possibility of spending six years in the state of Virginia’s Department of Corrections prison system ranks high on the human trials list. But neither is this some irritant, like a bounced check, a flat tire, a disrespectful teen, or a nagging boss, for example.

I am like Peter at times, trusting enough to get out of the boat on some days and then, at times, feeling myself sinking and crying for help. The point is that God allowed me to be drawn into this mess, and it is my belief that He would want me to chronicle His answers to my very common questions during this time of struggle. My first forays into the literary world were just that—my telling all who would listen what God brought to my heart and mind during this time of complete dependence on Him. I know I am not the only innocent man in the justice system, nor am I the only person dealing with worldly issues and questioning God about His participation and His need to include me in this drama.

Jesus’s brother James, in the book of James 1:2–4, tells us to Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. Well, that’s pretty clear! We do not have to like it, understand it, or even want it. Nevertheless, God wants us to be ready for whatever, and He gets us that way by allowing us to be put in tight situations where the only place we have to turn is to Him. Total dependence! Total acceptance! This and this alone will move us to the place where God can use us for His purpose.

Hey, go to the Old Testament book of Job and read what he went through—I rest my case. Oh, yeah, check out the New Testament book of Hebrews, and check out the list of biblical heroes to find out what they had to go through. Actually, that is what we will be doing in this volume. Bottom line is that God has two purposes for us: one, glorify Him as our Creator and His Son as our Savior; two, move closer to Him, because the closer we get, the more useful we are.

I am not ashamed of the situation God has allowed me to be in. I am not worried about the unjust stigmas that have been assigned to me by the state of Virginia’s legal system. I am, however, under a giant cloud of suspension and tethered to the state of Virginia’s legal system and the state’s appellate court process.

So for those who have not read my previous work—and I still do not understand why—and for those who need to be refreshed on my case, I will give you a short review. I believe the epilogue in my previous book, When Life Shows Up: Will You Be Ready?, will make it clear. As already stated, I was tried, convicted, and jailed on December 3, 2009. I stayed in jail until February 10, 2010, when I expected the judge to grant our motion to overturn the verdict. The commonwealth attorney was not ready to argue her case to keep the verdict as is. The judge granted me bail and continued the case until March 10, 2010.

My family and friends had gathered at the courthouse, expecting this ordeal to finally be over. We waited in the courtroom, anticipating that the case would be called from the bench. Finally, the courtroom quieted, expecting that this long-anticipated decision would be rendered. On March 10, 2010, Mary, my lawyer, and I stood as the judge relayed his decision. The epilogue picks up after the judge failed to overturn my verdict, as he previously had indicated he would do. He subsequently upheld the jury’s decision and sentenced me to spend six years in prison.

When Life Shows Up

Chapter Two

So, What about Faith?

It is funny how the older you get, the more you look back on your youth with horror. No, no, not just the misspent times, although those events do bring back some cold sweats. For now, I am thinking of the regular stuff we did—work all day, drive all night to go to the mountains. Ski all day, drive all night to be at work the following day. Back then, we would step on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, and pull the mask of the ol’ Lone Ranger—that kind of stuff. You know the bulletproof attitude—young and full of anticipation, with little thought of danger or harmful side effects. Some of you late-1960s and early 1970s teens know what I am talking about there. The world was our stage and was there for us to dance upon.

Back when I was twenty years old, I thought it would be fun to volunteer to go to Fort Benning, Georgia, to the US Army Airborne School, and learn to jump out of perfectly good airplanes. Now, I have talked about this insanity before, but the point is well illustrated; looking back, it just does not make a lot of sense. Another triumphant decision was to go to Air Assault School in Fort Campbell, Kentucky. One of the training requirements was to jump out of a helicopter, sixty feet in the air, onto a wire mesh platform attached to the tops of trees and then rappel down to the ground. One more example, please: coming back to my Southern Baptist parents’ home with alcohol on my breath after a party in high school. Yeah, I know—genius, right?

A lot of what we do when we are younger stems from the fact that we feel invincible. I’ll give you that, but a good bit of it comes from faith. Maybe the faith is misplaced, and we just did not understand the true dangers of our actions. Yet some of it was just blind belief that everything would be okay, not like the ostrich that sticks its head in the sand at the first sign of danger. Whether real or anticipated, the first reaction is—plop!—head right into the sand. No, there were not any fatalistic thoughts or preconceived gloomy foreshadowing; it was just pure acceptance that life would work out as advertised. Young, wide-eyed souls were ready to take on anything life brought their way. No time to substantiate concrete rituals, begrudging routines, or drone like movements entrenched by time. Certainly far from old church folks who refuse to slide over in their pew for someone new to sit down—you know those folks, right? Not like people who refuse to change their habits, archaic ways of doing things, or unshakable routines that hold them captive to the past.

You know faith—a belief; an optimism that comes from deciding to look at the world as a place of opportunity or at life as full of possibilities, any of which can be yours to claim. Not some suicidal adrenaline junkie, looking for a temporary high; not that type stuff. These folks seek a way of life that sees adventure and change as good things; a necessity for true release and constant personal development. An outlook on life that sees events unfolding in this way escapes a lot of us. We have become jaded and refuse to change. We look for the bad and pass right by the good. We see gloom and doom and miss the beauty that is truly there. We become cynical; we plan for the worst and expect nothing else. Truthfully, I find myself in that mind-set at times, but now I am taking medicine and that helps; trust me—I know. Seriously, the wrestling with life, the conditioned negative response, and the hopeless outlook are symptoms of a life without faith.

The point of my writing is not just to tell stories about my life and to continue the saga of my unjust conviction but to bring to light the normalcy of wrestling with one’s faith, the normalcy of lapses in faith, and the absolute assurance that it gets better the more you work on it. Fellow wrestlers with God, faith, church, spirituality, theology, and whatever else keeps us running around the same ol’ dumb mountain, you are not alone. You are normal, and there is a solution.

Bold statement coming (stomp, stomp, wink, wink): the peace that passes all understanding, as described in Paul’s epistle to the believers in Philippians 4:7, is still possible. In fact, this outlook on life is available to all of us. No matter what we have done or where we are in our spiritual journey, 2 Peter 3:9 says that the Lord is patient toward you, not wishing anyone to perish but all come to repentance. Truthfully, it is God’s desire for all us to have that same positive, joyous, belief in life. It all comes through faith. Yep, really simple to type but difficult to achieve. Trust me; I know—wrongfully convicted felon, here! Now, you do not hear me pontificating some name-it-claim-it, prosperity gospel. In no way am I suggesting that God is a genie and when the Bible is rubbed, you will get your three wishes. Nope, that stuff is for television evangelists. What I am saying is that through faith, we gradually can come to believe in God’s ability to care for us, like children do with their parents.

In the book of Matthew 8:3, the Levite recalls Jesus saying, Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. Jesus means we have to actively, voluntarily turn from our sin and believe in Him in the same manner as children believe in their teachers, parents, and elders, accepting the truths and allowing guidance and direction. There is a difference in behaving like children and in humbling yourself like a child, to be in a position to learn from those who God places around you.

I understand that not everyone comes from a loving Christian home, as I did, so the illustration maybe lost. Sadly, all too many folks in the world today did not have the benefit of loving parents to mold and direct them through their growth and maturation process. My parents offered nothing but positive examples and plenty of data that was proof positive they knew what they were talking about. When my parents spoke, I listened—for the most part. Everything they said was true—or at least I eventually came to believe it was true. My parents never lied to me, and I absolutely responded with belief, blindly, in all they did or said. (I am, however, still processing their claims of the nutritional value of cooked carrots, pickled beets, and squash—I’m not saying they were wrong; I’m just still collecting data.)

So when Jesus says that we must become like children, I draw an immediate parallel to my youth and my parents. As a child, I had complete trust in my parents and still do, actually, but it makes sense to me even more now. I am to have that same complete trust in God, who created me; in His Son, who saved me; and in the Holy Spirit that indwells me. Totally, completely, without reservation, and without ceasing, faith is necessary. This will only come as quoted above if we humble ourselves, and become like children, and trust in the process and the person of God.

Now, hold that idea in your mind for a second, and let’s go back to jumping out of airplanes. Trust me—if I talk about the great traumas of my life, I get better, so bear with me, please. For a parachute jump to be successful, a lot of things have to go right. Everyone can see that, correct? If everything does not go off without a hitch, the door opens for catastrophe—believe that. The jumper has to be properly trained in how to wear and utilize the equipment. The plane has to be at the correct altitude and speed, so the jumpers can exit safely. There has to be ample space for the jumpers to land at safe distances from each other and away from obstacles—power lines or trees, for example. The wind has to be correct, or the silk and rope ball the jumpers depend upon to slow their descent may not open. Also, the jumpers could be blown out of the designated landing area into all sorts of hazards. A host of things have to be planned for and executed properly for a jump to be successful.

Of course, the biggest thing that needs to go right is that the ball of silk and rope on your back has to deploy and fill with air. Only when the parachute is fully opened, filled with air, and slowing your rate of descent can the jump be deemed successful for each individual. (As a side note: the landing is important, of course. I do remember enough to know that feet, hind parts, and head are not the correct order for landing points of contact.) All the other stuff matters little if your silk and rope has a problem. Anyone who has jumped in the military or civilian world knows the reality of this part of the process going wrong.

Of course, a lot of dangers are greatly minimized through proper planning, training, and execution. For instance, in Airborne School the first two weeks are all about learning to follow the jump master’s instructions, as well as personal physical endurance, mental awareness, and using hands-on equipment designed to form correct habits during the jumping process. Nothing is left to chance. While on the ground, hours are spent forming good practices—once you’re in the plane, it is too late to start learning—such as lining up, picking up your parachute, boarding the plane, standing up, hooking up, inspecting the man in front of you, standing in the door, stepping out, and putting your knees into the breeze. There is repetition, constructive reviews of technique and plenty of teaching points. As we all know, DI’s (Drill Instructors) are known for their desire to make students feel good about themselves, right? Not!

When you have done everything that is humanly possible, however, all you have remaining is faith. You’re trained, ready, suited up, and taking off; there is absolutely nothing more you can personally do. You then, through faith, have to believe that everyone else is going to do what is necessary to make the event a safe one. Most important is that ultimately, you have faith that your equipment will operate as advertised.

I can hear our Airborne School instructors telling us, Ladies, trust your equipment! (Ladies was a term of endearment on their part, of course, and better than some of the other stuff they called us.)

"Do not make us kick you out of that plane!"

No one is getting an airplane ride down—one way trip only!