How Hockey Saved the World*: (*And Defeated George W. Bush, but Not Necessarily in That Order)

By M. Alexander Charns

HOCKEY-From the Buddhist concept meaning Key to Happiness and Chilly Serenity during Bloody Brawls and Melees. How Hockey Saved the World is the greatest, if only, hockey protest book ever written. It is the often true story of how a middle-aged, overweight American got off the couch long enough to lose weight and learn to play hockey in order to find a magic puck that would end the NHL lockout, unseat President George W. Bush and end the Iraq War. A handbook on how to survive without professional sports while becoming a better parent, achieving world peace and playing hockey, however poorly.

"A tongue-in-cheek view of politics and sports, delivering humor and laughs that recall the work of Mark Twain, Joseph Heller and Ambrose Bierce. -Cliff Bellamy, Durham Herald-Sun

"[T]he author's subversive wit and genuine belief in the game's magic are oddly persuasive. An amiable meditation to warm even the iciest hearts." - Kirkus Discoveries

After reading How Hockey Saved the World, and seeing the error of my ways, I will resign the Office of the Presidency effective January 15, 2009.-President George W. Bush

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: May 7, 2006
• ISBN: 9780595839827

M. Alexander Charns

Alex Charns is an attorney in the Durham, NC law firm Charns & Charns. His previous books, Cloak and Gavel: FBI, Wiretaps, Bugs, Informers and The Supreme Court and Diary of an Exploding Judge, have nothing to do with hockey.

Book preview

How Hockey Saved the World

(*and defeated George W. Bush, but not necessarily in that order)

FINDING ICE DURING THE LOST SEASON

Alex Charns

iUniverse, Inc.

New York Lincoln Shanghai

How Hockey Saved the World*

(*and defeated George W. Bush, but not necessarily in that order)

Copyright © 2006 by M. Alexander Charns

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

iUniverse

2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100

Lincoln, NE 68512

www.iuniverse.com

1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

A portion of the Presidential Conspiracy chapter of this book first appeared in the Raleigh News & Observer op-ed page on January 15, 2005 as Hockey Hiatus Leads to Memorable Goal.

The pond hockey journal entry in the Day After Valentine’s Day chapter is courtesy of Jay Asquini, copyright 1997 by Jay Asquini.

Score! is courtesy of W.J.B Charns, copyright 2006 by W.J.B. Charns. This book contains what some may consider delusional (i.e. hopeful) thinking about hockey, parenting, politics and marriage. Do not attempt to employ any of the techniques described in this book with your own children, spouse, hockey team, or political leaders.

ISBN-13: 978-0-595-39579-8 (pbk)

ISBN-13: 978-0-595-83982-7 (ebk)

ISBN-10: 0-595-39579-1 (pbk)

ISBN-10: 0-595-83982-7 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Also by this author

From the How Hockey Saved The World glossary of hockey terms

Acknowledgments

Preface: Finding Ice During the Lost Season

Saving The World, Global Warming And Hockey

My Season Tickets

The Hockey Stages Of Grief

Magic Pucks In The Pantheon Of Sports Superstition

Presidential Conspiracy And Hockey

Letters To The Editor And Hockey

Scum Sucking Trial Lawyers Will Save The NHL

Cops And Hockey

Between Obsessional Thoughts I’m Still A Lawyer, And Hockey

Hockey Equipment Fetish

Jack The Ripper Didn’t Play Hockey

Why My Health Wouldn’t Allow Me To Play

Game Time

My Right Buttock

Canes License Plate

Sex And Hockey

Childrearing And Hockey

Remembering A Pre-Lockout Motown

I Couldn’t Ice Skate

Martin Luther King Day And Hockey

Inauguration Day And Hockey

Nazis Never Played Hockey (Or Did They?)

Ash Wednesday And Hockey

Fasting And Hockey

The Day After Ash Wednesday And Hockey

Cancer And Hockey

Valentine’s Day And Hockey

Day After Valentine’s Day And Still No Hockey

No 2004-2005 NHL Season

Canes Ticket Office

Saturday Morning February 19 At 4:00 AM

Free Stanley And Hockey

Learn-To-Play Hockey

Mr. Zamboni

More Rudi Ball

Lock Monster Riot

Make Ice Not War

My Parents, Protest And Hockey

Great Polish Hockey Players

Still Hunting For The Real Rudi Ball

Why Do I (Or Do I?) Care About The NHL

What I Gave Up For Lent (Finally)

Sports Addictions

Feng Shui And Hockey

Prayer And Hockey

I Didn’t Cover The Point

My Puckin’ Obsession Journal Entry

Stinky Hockey Equipment

Stanley Cup Comes To Carolina

2002 Stanley Cup Finals

Joe Louis Arena

It’s Seventy Degrees Fahrenheit In March

My Hockey Deprived Childhood

Watching Hockey On The Night Of Leelo’s Birth

Great Literature, And Hockey

Who Was The First Woman NHL Player?

Fantasy Wife

I Think I’m Turning Canadian; I Really Think So

Chippiness In The Learn-To-Play

League

What Does It Take To Become A Canadian Citizen?

LongJohn Underpants Makes My Equipment Stink Less

My Puckin Obessional Journal Entry

I’m Too Old And Sore For This

Am I Still A Season Ticket Holder When There Is No Season?

My 24-Hour Hockey Fast

What Is It About Skating?

My Puckin’ Obsession Journal Entry

Later That Night, And Hockey

Execution Night In Carolina, And Hockey

How Much Money I Saved By Playing Rather Than Watching Hockey

My First Real Assist In A League Game

NHL Update

I Was Traded In The Learn-To-Play League

Dad’s Saturdays

Whack-A-Puck

Ninety-Six Degrees Fahrenheit, And [Still No] Hockey

Guide To An Improved Sex Life Of This Guy I Know

Real Players Don’t Have Choo-Choo Trains On Their Boxer Shorts

Slouching Toward The Net Of Deception

My Daughter, A New Ice Age And Hockey

Glossary Of Hockey Terms

Appendix: Joe and Jane Six Puck v. President Bush and the NHL

Afterword: The NHL Is Back!!!!!!!! (And With It The Largest AntiWar Protest In North American History To Take Place During A Hockey Game)

End?

Score! by W.J.

Also by this author 

Diary of an Exploding Judge, a novel (iUniverse 2003)

Cloak and Gavel: FBI Wiretaps, Bugs, Informers and the Supreme Court (Univ. of Illinois Press 1992)

To W.J. and Leelo

From the How Hockey Saved The World glossary of hockey terms 

Hockey—From the Buddhist concept meaning Key to Happiness and Chilly Serenity during Bloody Brawls and Melees.

Editor’s Note: There is some archeological evidence to suggest that Moses crossed the Red Sea after it was conveniently frozen over, and then just as conveniently quick thawed as Egyptians (who were notoriously poor skaters on soft ice) tried to follow. Revisionist scholars dispute the French origins of the word hockey as coming from a word for a shepherd’s hooked stick. Instead they cite ancient Egyptian pyramid art showing Moses (whose staff is drawn in pictographs with a slight right curve at the bottom) knocking his pursuers from their chariots with a fiery series of slap shots using rocks as puckjectiles.

Hockey Protest Literature—A literary form unknown prior to September 15, 2004 (the NHL lockout date), that combines outlandish conspiracy theories about hockey and politics with the escapades of a middle-aged American citizen who tried to learn to play hockey and become Canadian in order to protest the NHL lockout and American foreign policy. For example, How Hockey Saved The World. Finding Ice During The Lost Season.

The Great Hockey Conspiracy Of 2004-2005

The super-secret, double undercover conspiracy orchestrated by U.S. President George W. Bush to order the National Hockey League lockout as punishment for Canada’s refusal to fight in the war in Iraq. CIA operatives (posing as owners of NHL hockey clubs) sneaked across the Canadian border to join forces with the Militant Anti-Hockey Underground in this global intrigue against hockey. See How Hockey Saved The World. Finding Ice During The Lost Season.

Acknowledgments 

To Jay Asquini, photographer, painter, great dad and friend: thank you for permission to use your pond hockey journal entry, and for your inspiration.

Thanks to novelist and teacher extraordinaire Laurel Goldman and all the great writers and editors in her advanced fiction (and occasional non-fiction) workshop: Walter Bennett, Mia Bray, Linda Finigan Alice Kaplan, David Levine, Kathleen O’Keeffe, Mary Moore, Martha Pentecost and Susie Powell. Maximilian Longley is credited with an assist as well.

Kisses to my wife for her help (the book would be much better if she had written a few chapters...)

Finally, thanks to President Bush, the NHL and NHLPA. Without them, this book could not possibly have been written and I never would have gotten on the ice to play hockey with my kids.

Let’s Go Canes!!

Let’s Go Red Wings (if they’re not playing the Canes, unless it’s game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals and then I’ll toss a coin. Or, will I?)

Preface: Finding Ice During the Lost Season 

As often happens, the world is saved by chance, dumb luck, and coincidence. Sometimes the very thing that threatens to destroy us ends up saving us.

What follows is the true* and long suppressed story about how the NHL was finally able to climb out of sports infamy to wobble back onto the ice. It’s a tale filled with magic pucks**, legal trickery and scheming politicians.

Like most history-altering events, war, death and family trauma take their toll on the participants. Never before had the fate of a cherished sport, the very identity of a proud Northern people, been placed in the hands of rookie, beer-league hockey players and their children. When the weight of this terrible burden lifted, hockey had indeed saved the world (and defeated George W. Bush, but not necessarily in that order).

You may wonder, how is it possible for hockey to save the world before defeating Bush? Wouldn’t hockey have to defeat Bush before the world could be saved? And, there is the related question of how playing a sport can unseat a president of the United States of America. The short answer to these questions is: I never said it was easy.

Doubters, naysayers, and Bush-lovers (Bush-bashers too), read on. All will be explained.

Saving The World, Global Warming And Hockey 

Some claim that native people in the Arctic regions have a hundred words for snow. Hockey players have at least as many words for ice. From mushy-slushy to glassy-hard, the only limitation is one’s imagination. One can dream up lingo for smashed M&Ms frozen into the ice after public skating, or for hockey player spit quick frozen as it hits the chilly surface after a throat-clearing honk over the boards while waiting for the next shift.

Yet, for one ignoble NHL season, there was one word for ice: melted.

During the fall of 2004, professional hockey’s version of global warming had taken place. The National Hockey League owners locked out the players after their labor agreement expired. In the process, they locked out me, my kids and all other fans of the NHL. Hockey arenas all over North America went dark. My family’s two Carolina Hurricanes season tickets melted away, game by cancelled game.

In my house the death of the season was excruciatingly slow and painful. Months were filled with false promises and doomsday prophets before the warmed over final hope of seeing the return of aging stars Yzerman, Lemieux and Francis to the ice during the 2004—2005 season was lost.

My distress was so great that people who didn’t care about hockey tried to comfort me. Friends gave me books, movies, and articles about hockey. Despite the good intentions, none of it helped.

Despite her fears about feeding my addiction, a month into the NHL lockout my wife showed me a full-page color photograph of a hockey player in one of her women’s magazines. An attractive 57-year-old administrative law judge was holding her hockey stick and wearing a helmet and full pads. While the judge is at work she daydreams about playing hockey. She skates at 4 AM because in New York City that’s the only time available.

During those locked out days, I daydreamed about playing hockey too. I thought about hockey way too much. I was monomaniacal, but hockey was not my mistress no matter how many times my wife said that during the lockout. The

white whale wasn’t Captain Ahab’s mistress. He wasn’t having an affair with Moby Dick, he was pursuing it, following it to his doom. It was a metaphor or a symbol. (My wife added—it’s not an affair if you’re not married. Ahab was a