Without Paradise: A Novel

By Kenneth Sean Campbell

In a gay twist on Brief Encounter, Charlie Morgan and Ben McSwain meet on a train and are instantly drawn to each other. Charlie is a gay writer and atheist. Ben is an evangelical Christian, widowed with two children, who has never even thought about a relationship with another man. While it appears that these two have nothing in common, they find that they are "soulmates." It's a surprising and joyous discovery for Charlie and a confusing one for Ben as they try to bridge their vastly different lives

Ben has a full life with his work as a nurse, his family and his devotion to his church. His love for Charlie and a personal tragedy will test all of those commitments and make him question everything in his life. Charlie's work takes him to Texas to write a Broadway-bound show in collaboration with his old college roommate, Lee, and sexy, young country and western star, Luke Beecham. It looks like a smash hit until a secret from Lee's past shatters everyone's chances for happiness and brings Charlie to the loneliest place in his life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 28, 2008
• ISBN: 9780595627028

Kenneth Sean Campbell

Kenneth Sean Campbell's first novel, The Treasure of the Greedy Pirate, was written when he was five and is his best work to date. He is a recovering alcoholic, a recovering Methodist and a recovering Texan. It's enough to deal with.

Book preview

Acknowledgments

There are people who have supported me all my life. Without them, this book would not exist and the world would have been a sadder and lonelier place. So thank you Walter Atkinson, Ken Shields, Ron Templeton and the perfectly named Molly Loving.

And In Memoriam: Mother, Daddy and Julia. Daniel Joslin, Ron Sullivan, Fred White and Tom Lilly.

And there were those wonderful people who supported me while I was writing the book. Thank you Mark Drolette, John Schupay, Lee Johnson, Marie Kiene and Kathy Halstead.

And Rick, you inspire me every day.

This is for you, dood

Everything

The paradise of preambivalent harmony...is unattainable. But the experience of one’s own truth, and the postambivalent knowledge of it, makes it possible to return to one’s own world of feelings at an adult level—without paradise, but with the ability to mourn.

The Drama of the Gifted Child

Alice Miller

Contents

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Chapter 1

Charlie Morgan was 59 years old when it all began. Now that’s old for a beginning, but this is the fact: Charlie was 59 years old when he fell in love for the first time. That doesn’t mean there had not been skirmishes and minor battles with love, but not Pearl Harbor, not Hiroshima. He had had some very pleasant and even passionate relationships and when they were over, there had only been a sense of relief or mild, prodding disappointment.

There had been a five year relationship with Jim. Yet the kind of love he felt for Jim (and still did) is the family kind of love. It’s a kind of love that all gay men understand and many heterosexuals don’t. We are betrayed by our home towns, our churches and institutions and often our families. So we create a family of choice. It’s your college roommate or boyfriends from your youth who become your best friends. They are brothers but more than brothers. They know you better than anyone. You are bonded and it’s impossible to say or do anything that would break that bond. Gay men know about betrayal which means that we know about loyalty and the importance of it. Jim was loyalty for Charlie and Charlie loved him and was grateful.

There had been Kevin and John and Barry and Dan. A year here; six months there. They were all good men, but it wasn’t love. No one got deeply involved and no one got hurt. It was sex and companionship and a connection of sorts in a world where connections, even shallow ones, are rare. In the end, they had parted without any misery and remained casual friends for a while before drifting away. Charlie didn’t ever fall. He just moved on. It wasn’t like you see in those Julia Roberts movies. This was more like a Doris Roberts movie.

After Dan, Charlie rested for a few years. He needed it. He needed to be alone and it was a good alone. It was solid and comfortable and quiet. It was filled with books and good films enjoyed in grateful solitude or with a very small group of friends kept at a polite distance. It worked and it didn’t hurt. Charlie saw no reason for this to ever change. Love, it seemed to him, was going to pass him by. And it was OK. He had a lot of everything else. He looked back on his life and was not disappointed. There was interesting work, some good memories and enough money to satisfy most of his itches, if not all. The song But Not For Me seemed wistfully true for Charlie. Sad, but not tragic. Wistful is the right word.

The reality of Charlie belies this somewhat lonely romantic resume. He was a happy, handsome man and, even at nearly 60, could still claim cute, although in a more fragile way now. He was in good shape, worked out every day and was on a first name basis with a good dermatologist. He was short and slight, which always seemed to give him an added youthfulness even if youth itself was a thing of the past. And his hair, although silver, was shiny and clipped into one of those scruffy, modern cuts.

Then January 29 happened. It was dentist day. Even though he had lived in Sacramento for years, he kept his dentist in San Francisco. It was a good excuse to go into the City and gave him a chance to dress up a little bit for Charlie was a true clothes horse. Today he chose brown suede boots, Levis, a gray cashmere turtleneck and a brown pinstripe blazer from Banana Republic. When he looked in the mirror, he approved and that made him feel good about himself. He grabbed his briefcase, threw in a book for good measure, and headed for the train station. Charlie’s routine was to find a small booth in the cafe car where he could spread out, have coffee and a bagel and read or work on the computer during the trip. But mostly he just looked out the window. No matter how many times he had taken this trip, the view seemed always fresh. Was that a new farm house? Had that mountain always been there? It always fascinated him to watch the geography change so quickly as the train moved from the flat farmland of the Central Valley to the gentle mountains and bay shore closer to San Francisco. It cooled off, too, as one got closer to the ocean and the air smelled fresher, crisper. Charlie remembered having to adjust to the Bay Area climate when he moved there from the land-locked, bayou country of Northeast Texas. His skin had itched at first, but soon the itching stopped and the ocean began to soothe him. That had been twenty-five years ago!

But this day in January, he settled in for the trip comfortable in the predictability and sameness of the day. A regular old January 29th in the Central Valley of California, an area used to seismic shifts. This was not going to be his usual trip to the city. It would turn out to be one of the turning points of his life: a seismic shift of the heart.

#

Ben McSwain was not used to this. Going to the train station and the trip to San Francisco rattled him. Ordinarily, he would get up, go to the office, see patients, work hard and go home to take care of the kids, but the hospital needed someone to sign for the deaf and Ben had volunteered. That meant going into San Francisco every Thursday for the next ten weeks for a class in American Sign Language. His concentration was off and his safety zone had been breached.

Many things were changing in his life. Now that the kids were on their own, he found himself forced to spend more time alone. Even though he worked ten to twelve hours a day and was always on call, he was beginning to be more aware of himself. It had been years since Ben had thought about his own life, his own needs. It seemed impossible that Lynette had been gone for five years now. His heart was ready to thaw. He worked hard, he kept his eyes straight ahead and didn’t look back. He was a good man, handsome, healthy and serious. His life had not been frivolous. It had been filled with hard work, some tragedy and disappointments and an abiding faith in God that everything would be all right. He didn’t think about much else. It was easier not to, but somewhere on the periphery of his vision, there was a huge chasm in his life. He knew if he looked he might fall and never come out. So he looked straight ahead, neither right nor left, those clear, kind blue eyes showing only a hint of fear of the unknown.

Ben dressed quickly and efficiently. He had always enjoyed being neat and clean and well groomed. He hadn’t the time or money to spend on himself the last few years of providing for the kids, but he had a natural, easy grace and style. He had on a khaki blazer he had found on sale and clean, freshly pressed jeans. A white button down shirt and driving mocs finished the look. He felt good about himself as he headed for the train station in Davis.

It seemed odd not to be going to the hospital to his job. A whole day to not think about patients and work. What would occupy his thoughts instead? Somewhere in the recesses of his heart he longed for something to happen, an adventure of some kind that would take him out of his ordinary life. Today was his forty-sixth birthday. Perhaps there would be a birthday surprise.

Chapter 2

The train pulled out of the station on time in Sacramento. Charlie got a cup of coffee, a bagel and the San Francisco Chronicle. He rarely read a paper anymore, except online, but this was part of his ritual, so he settled into his small booth to enjoy the paper and the trip.

It was not long before the train pulled into Davis, the first stop along the corridor. Davis is a college town and usually only a handful of students and teachers get on here. Most of them disembark at Berkeley as the train makes an easy commute between the two universities. Small and somewhat artistic in design, the station is fitting for the progressive, energetic reputation of Davis. Charlie enjoyed looking out the window at the people boarding. The sun was out now and it was a crisp California winter day that made one instantly forget how dreary and gray and wet the valley can be this time of year. Charlie noticed a handsome man climbing onto the train and his healthy libido registered admiration. After he muttered wow under his breath, he returned to his paper and his plans for the day.

The train started up again and a few of the new passengers queued up for coffee in the cafe car. With pleasure, Charlie noted that one of them was the handsome man he had seen a moment earlier. He was probably younger than Charlie, but about the same size, 5' 8" or so and slim. He had on jeans and a khaki blazer. It suited him for his coloring was vivid and healthy and he didn t need the distraction of bright clothing. He had brown hair with a salt shaker full of gray and a tan that looked like it had been earned honestly. But it was the eyes that made this man special. They were the color of the Sonoma County sky in spring. This was a California boy! There was also something else, something guarded in those eyes. He realized that he was staring and looked away quickly, not wanting to get caught.

As he averted his gaze, something got in his eye. Perhaps a cinder from the tracks or maybe just something in the air, but it felt like shards of glass. The pain was intense and his eye began watering immediately. He reached for a napkin and realizing that he didn’t have one, quickly headed to the cafe steward’s window. As he stumbled forward, the man he had been watching touched his sleeve.

Is there something wrong? the man asked, his voice and face showing genuine concern.

I’ve gotten something in my eye and, man, does it hurt. I was going to get a napkin to try to get it out.

The young man reached into his pocket and pulled out a clean handkerchief. Here, let me help. I’m a nurse. Let’s move closer to the light so I can see better.

He led Charlie gently over to a window and cupped his cheek in his hand. He held Charlie’s head back, pulled down his eyelid and flicked the handkerchief quickly. Immediately, the irritation in Charlie’s eye was gone.

Oh wow, thanks so much. You have no idea how excruciating that was!

Easy problem to fix. The stranger smiled slightly.

Well, nevertheless I’m grateful for your kindness and I’m lucky that you were here. Will you let me buy you a cup of coffee? Charlie was flirting a little.

That’s not necessary, really. I was just going to have some juice. The stranger was polite but guarded.

Then let me buy your juice. It’s the least I can do for a good Samaritan. Charlie smiled.

Their eyes met and Ben smiled for the first time. Charlie felt a small explosion in his heart. It was a beautiful smile and somehow familiar. Instantly, he felt a bond with his rescuer.

Uh, thanks. That would be nice. Ben blushed slightly, unused to this kind of attention from someone else. When he looked this man in the eye something had happened. He had felt a catch in his throat and had to stop himself from uttering a gasp. This had never happened to him before and he didn’t know how to react. He felt as if they had known each other for a very long time.

Charlie ordered the juice and when it came, turned and gave it to the handsome man. I’m Charlie Morgan. He offered his hand.

Ben McSwain. Charlie took Ben’s hand and was surprised how warm it was.

Uh, would you like to join me? I was just reading the paper but I would prefer some company.

Quickly, Ben recovered his guarded demeanor. That smile vanished and his eyes clouded over. Well, I’ve brought some work to do on the train and I should attend to that. He hesitated when he saw the disappointment in Charlie’s eyes, But I’ll sit with you for a little while.

The went back to the small booth and sat on opposite sides. Suddenly they just smiled at each other, like there was a secret they shared that no one else knew. Charlie was feeling lust, but something else, too. Ben had no idea what was happening. He felt confused and almost out of body. Charlie finally broke the spell, Do you work in the City?

Ben laughed, Oh no! In fact, I rarely go to San Francisco. This is very unusual for me. I’m taking a class in ASL once a week for the next ten weeks.

ASL? I’m sorry, I’m not familiar…

Oh, right, American Sign Language. Our hospital needs someone with those skills. I used to do signing at my church, but I need this course to be state certified, which is required by the hospital. You know how bureaucracy works!

I do indeed. Living in Sacramento has opened my eyes to the wonderful world of bureaucracy!

Oh, do you work in government?

Oh Lord, no. I couldn’t play that game if I had to. I have a bunny slipper job. Charlie smiled impishly at Ben.

A bunny slipper job?

I’m self employed. I edit books, ghost write and do some writing on my own. I freelance through an agency in Los Angeles. I’m not famous or rich, but I get by. Charlie was being modest. He was really quite successful in his field, I get to work at home in my bunny slippers. It’s a bunny slipper job.

Ben smiled with delight. He looked like a little kid. I’ve never heard anyone talk like that before. I’ve also never known anyone who was a writer or did anything like that.

Well, Mr. McSwain, in the long run, it’s no different from any other job. You get up and you go to work and you do whatever they are paying you to do. I’m lucky. I love what they pay me to do. That may be the only difference from most people.

I do too… love what I do, I mean.

You mentioned you were a nurse. So I work in bunny slippers and you get to work in pajamas. How different is your job from mine really? Charlie’s eyes twinkled.

Ben McSwain laughed out loud. It was a sharp, deep bark and very genuine. No one would fake a laugh like that. Well, I guess you’re right. My scrubs are like pajamas, aren’t they? And truthfully? The shoes I wear are as close to slippers as they will allow. So, guilty as charged.

Charlie held up his coffee cup, A toast to bunny slippers and pajamas! Ben tipped his cup to Charlie and they both sipped at their drinks, their eyes on each other and never wavering. It was the second time this morning that that feeling passed between them. It was the seismic shift again.

Ben averted his eyes. He looked at his watch. I left my stuff in the next car. I hope it’s OK.

This is a pretty relaxed place. I don’t think there are many robberies on here, but you might want to go get them, just to be on the safe side. Charlie was making more room in the booth for Ben’s things.

I really think I should probably go, Mr. Morgan. I’ve still got some work to do before we get to San Francisco. It’s been a real pleasure talking with you. I haven’t enjoyed myself like this in a long time. I really mean that.

Then you have to call me Charlie...Ben, is it? Charlie reached for his wallet and took out a personal card. Here’s my name, number, etc. I really enjoyed it, too. Let’s do it again some time. Maybe next Thursday?

Uh, sure, Charlie. That would be fine. I’ll be on the train every Thursday for the next ten weeks. I’ll look forward to it. Thanks for the card. Have a great day, OK? They both stood and shook hands again. There was a reluctance about letting go on both sides and Ben seemed embarrassed.

With that, he turned and left the cafe car. He was gone and Charlie was left feeling a bit alone. The other man’s presence had brought warmth and comfort. Charlie was definitely attracted to him, but there was something more. Charlie had just felt right for that time he was in Ben’s presence.

He sat back down in his booth and resumed reading the paper, but it was hard to concentrate for the rest of the trip. His mind wandered back to that smile.

Ben returned to his seat in the car in front of the cafe. He sat down and looked out the window. The scene was changing rapidly as they got closer to San Francisco. The lush, misty mountains in the distance were surprising to Ben who was used to the flat, safe farmland of home. He still felt Charlie’s hand in his and it was a warm feeling. He seemed like a good guy. Ben could use a friend. Why didn’t he stay? What was he afraid of? This kind of self questioning was unusual for Ben. It made him uncomfortable. He shook off his thoughts and concentrated on the material he had brought with him. He was determined to make good use of the time on the train and the class that he was taking. He burrowed into the books, but Charlie was lurking on the rim of his concentration and was not a totally unpleasant or unwelcome intruder.

With his concentration off, Ben’s thoughts eventually found their way to his kids. That usually happened. Pam and Jacen were the center of his life. When Lynette died, they became everything and, unbeknownst to them, the only thing that kept him going. He was completely numb, going through the motions of work and home and school, only able to function because he had to. Everything inside him felt withered and dead. He knew this was not the Christian way to live and he prayed hard for the joy of the Lord to come to him. Yet he was ice inside. After a while, he became so adept at pretending that it seemed like the real thing. The years began to go by and he forgot what it was like to really feel anything and he became grateful for the safety and security he had found in his routine of work and caring for his children, his mother and grandparents. It became enough. It became his life.

He managed to turn his thoughts to the day ahead and the task at hand and before long, the train was in Emeryville and he was on the bus into the City. He didn’t see Charlie again and once in the City, he focused on making his way to St. Michael’s Hospital for the classes. He had instructions that one of his nurses at the hospital had printed out for him on the computer. It looked simple enough and he found the hospital with no problem. He was surprised how easily he got around the city. It seemed so much smaller than he had remembered.

The classes were interesting and soon he was remembering all of his past instruction. He felt confident that he would be able to pass the state exam. The hospital was paying for this so that Ben could use the certification in his job. He was Patient Care Liaison at the hospital. It was a job that he helped to create from necessity. He had been a registered nurse for twenty-five years and gone back for graduate work fifteen years ago. His Master’s degree was in psychology with an emphasis on Christian counseling. He had begun combining the two disciplines and the hospital recognized the value of it. Ben was good at what he did. He practiced his religious faith in his work and he truly wanted to help everyone. Over the years, he had become a valuable asset at the hospital and a close ally and confidante to many of the doctors. It was a county hospital where many of the traditional barriers dropped in the small town atmosphere.

The class was over at two o’clock and the bus didn’t take him back to the train station until three-thirty. He decided to walk around the city a bit. It was a beautiful winter afternoon. A chilly breeze was blowing from the ocean, but walking in the sunshine was surprisingly warm and pleasant. From his map, he made his way to Union Square and found a place to sit in the sunshine.

He surveyed the stores, shops, flower vendors and bustle that surrounded Union Square. It was a world that was so foreign to him. Suddenly Ben saw Charlie, the man from the train. He was at a distance crossing through the Square. He had an urge to call out to him, but didn’t. He didn’t know what he would say. He didn’t even know why he thought of doing that. He just seemed to be drawn to him and wanted to know more about him. Charlie was walking quickly and Ben saw him go into Neiman-Marcus. Ben had never been inside Neiman-Marcus in his life!

He knew what it was, of course. He kept up with things and was interested in his appearance, but his resources were limited because the kids came first. He kept himself in good shape at the staff gym in the hospital and he tanned easily, so working in the yard, mowing the lawns for his mother and his grandparents on the weekends kept him bronzed and healthy. On some level, Ben was aware that he was handsome, but it embarrassed him to think about it. Why was he thinking about it now? What about the man from the train had triggered all of this concern about his appearance? Ben was not used to allowing his thoughts to stray so randomly. It was unnerving, but an excited pulse beat in his throat. He didn’t know whether he liked it or not. He looked at his watch and it was time to catch the bus. He made his way over to Market Street and wondered if he would see Charlie on the train. If he did, he would try to be friendlier. He didn’t know why he was drawn to Charlie and he didn’t want to examine it too closely. He just knew he wanted to see him again.

Chapter 3

Charlie had decided to stay overnight in the city. He had friends there still and one of them had suggested dinner, so he went to the Briarcroft Hotel and got a room for the evening. It was a small hotel just off Union Square, clean, quiet and a great bargain. It was that shabby, Victorian style that comforts San Franciscans and is perfect for someone like Charlie who had lived in San Francisco for so many years. He didn’t need a fancy hotel, just a warm one.

He was not prepared to stay, so he had to go to the drugstore for supplies. Those new suede boots had caused a blister and he decided to run into Neiman’s and pick up a pair of driving loafers. They had an Italian brand that he had worn for years and he knew they would be comfortable right out of the box. He needed a new pair anyway, so it wasn’t that much of an extravagance...OK, it was Neiman’s...it was an extravagance, but the shoes would run about $140.00 and would last another 5 years. Charlie always found comfort in his ability to justify shopping!

He just had time to get back to the hotel, shower and change for dinner before his friend, John, showed up. He and John had met over twenty years ago in San Francisco. John was a very talented painter and as artists, they had an immediate bond. They just seemed to be on the same wave length. It was a solid friendship that had weathered the years and the miles. John had moved back to his home town of Philadelphia in the late eighties for a few years and Charlie visited him there on a trip back east. It was Charlie’s only visit to Philadelphia and he had fond memories of the time there with his old friend. He had gone back east to end a long distance relationship and was nursing a wounded heart when he got to Philadelphia. John had been kind and gentle and sympathetic. He had been a good friend to lean on and Charlie had always been grateful for that. The love affair was long forgotten, but his friendship with John was as vital as ever. That seemed to be a pattern for Charlie. He was a great friend, but had a hard time holding on to love.

John suggested an Italian restaurant that was right next door to the hotel. Charlie may not have needed those new shoes after all if they were only going to walk twenty yards! It was not crowded, as it was still early, and they were quickly seated in a plump, comfy booth. It was quiet and private and they settled in for a good, long talk after ordering pasta and salad. Charlie started the conversation by telling John about the cinder in his eye and his handsome rescuer. He was embarrassed by how eager he was to talk about it. He hadn’t been able to shake the feeling he had about that man. Their eyes had met and there had been something there...it wasn’t just sexual, but promised so much more. It made Charlie a little nervous.

As he related all this to John, he became even more animated. John picked up on that right away and was very curious. Had Charlie gotten his name? Was there some way to get in touch with him? Did he want to see him again?

Charlie realized that he knew nothing about him and only now, voicing it, how that brief meeting had affected him. It had meant something, but he didn’t know