Sir Ockham’s Journey: A Goneunderland Adventure

By S.D. Birkbeck

A volcano erupts. In Upoverland scientists prepare to drop into its smoky cone. In Goneunderland rumours spread that the blast has uncovered a mass of luxite crystals. The scramble is on and as the two worlds are about to collide, Sir Ockham Bally-Ping and his team of misfit adventurers find themselves stuck in the middle.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AUK Authors
• Release date: Nov 8, 2017
• ISBN: 9781785387845

Book preview

coincidental.

For Queen and Crystals

It was an explosion that rocked both worlds.

In Upoverland flights across the Atlantic Ocean were disrupted causing havoc leading up to Easter holidays. Smoke and ash filled the air annoying travellers around the world and causing airport staff numerous headaches. Newspapers, television and the internet carried before and after pictures showing how a patch of grey sea had sprouted a small, conical island roughly the size of an Olympic stadium rising to about 200 feet. New island appears after volcanic eruption, said the headlines on the first day. Flights cancelled across Europe, they said on the second. Who will own new island? they asked on the third. Family finds lost cat after 5 years, they said on the fourth when interest in the new island had been taken over by other events.

In Goneunderland the explosion had a much greater impact. In fact, it caused Glanville Foam to cut his chin while shaving off a 20-year-old moustache so that his 5-year-old daughter Ordeelia could see what he looked like without a bristly upper lip (she decided it looked rather awful and told him to put it back on). Bitty Spool, who was carefully measuring out sparkling water for a batch of fizzy buns, dropped a water jug causing her two pet seedles to scurry under a couch. Sorka Lally swore for only the second time in 82 years when the explosion caused her to drop a stitch just as she was putting the finishing touches to a pullover she was knitting for her grandson Pyle Junior (the first was 50 years ago when Pyle’s father Pyle Senior, Sorka’s son, snagged his freshly-knitted pullover on barbed wire).

Glanville, Bitty and Sorka lived in Kneecap Knob, about four days’ ride from the explosion’s supposed epicenter. Beyond ‘The Knob’, as the locals liked to call their hilltop town, there were rumoured to be several hermits and illegal mining communities made up mainly of knapplers, the large, hairy men that mined the luxite crystal that spread light throughout this deep world. What had befallen these types no one knew and even fewer cared as in the opinion of most Goneunderlanders, towns such as The Knob represented the edge of civilization and what happened in such places happened to people of little consequence.

While the explosion reverberated throughout Goneunderland, such explosions were common and a mere volcanic eruption or earthquake was hardly an event to shake these little people out of their beds or cause them to rush next door to tell their neighbours (the Goneunderland equivalent of social media). Indeed, only a week before, an earthquake shook the desert region of Nilwater trapping 15 knapplers in their luxite mines. In the world deep beneath the Earth’s crust, where lava flowed, water steamed, mud boiled and the roots of our mountains were forever shifting, explosions of this nature were an everyday event.

However, it soon became apparent that this explosion was a little different. For starters, it had been much bigger than any recently recorded volcanic event and almost as quickly as the radiating shockwaves had been absorbed into the many mountains and caverns of this deep and strange world beneath our feet, there spread a rumour that the explosion had created a hole so big that the entire city of Artobia could fit in it. Some said it had destroyed a whole mountain. Some said it had unearthed a yet deeper land and strange beasts were at this very minute stalking Goneunderland. To others of a more practical disposition, the explosion meant one thing, new territory in which to mine luxite crystals. As a rule, the crystals were buried deep inside seams of rock such as quartz, or buried deep within twisting rock strata and were mined by the knapplers. So to Goneunderlanders, both speculators and the miners, an earthquake or volcano didn’t just bring destruction, but also opportunity and wealth.

The rumour of seams rich with luxites took two days to reach the ever-vigilant ears of Lady Euphansia Fish. No sooner had she begun mulling over these developments and sifting the flecks from the flakes, as Goneunderlanders like to say, when she was summoned to the Throne Room in the heart of Glazbouch Palace where she and the nobility of Goneunderland resided. She was ushered in and invited to sit on a stool at the foot of a short flight of steps that led to a golden throne on which sat the little round figure of Queen Ferimond. Seated on the queen’s left on a chair licking a long, sticky sweet was Prince Ophilious, aged 8-and-a-half. On her right stood the master of ceremonies, Eutropius Stiffkey, aging with every complaint and request. The stool that Lady Euphansia was seated on was a recent innovation of the Queen’s, no doubt an effort to bring this all-seeing, all-knowing power-behind-the-throne figure down a peg or two. For her part, Lady Euphansia was prepared to endure the insult, thinking, or rather, knowing, that one day the throne would be hers.

Orphie, the queen said glancing at her son, don’t slurp, it’s not princely.

But it’s sticky, replied Ophilious.

Sticky is for licky, not slurpy, replied the queen causing Lady Euphansia and Eutropius to exchange glances.

Addressing Lady Euphansia, the Queen stuck out a queenly chin and said, Lady Euphansia, it has come to one’s attention that there has been a large explosion in... in... The queen rotated an impatient hand.

The Mountains of Another Time Land, Your Majesty, said Eutropius coming to his queen’s aid with a differential nod that stayed in the down position as if he has suddenly been switched off.

Ophilious uttered a slurpy laugh. Another Time Land, what a stupid name.

Quiet, Ophilious, said his mother.

I believe, Your Majesty, Eutropius said, it was named by a certain Quedgely Eggwhite, an explorer and cartographer who, on seeing the mountains from afar, wrote on the map he was making that he would explore the area ‘Another Time’. He scribbled this reminder in the corner of the map next to the said mountains only for the scribble to make the final print. I believe, he said with a thoughtful look, that this was many shines ago and very few have ventured into the area ever since.

What about old Eggwhite? asked Ophilious.

Oh, he died, replied Eutropius. Got lost out picking toadstools and fell into a pond.

Yes, yes, said the queen impatiently, but if what I hear is true, and I’ve no reason to believe it isn’t, the explosion has uncovered a veritable treasure trove of luxites meaning, Lady Euphansia, that every luxite miner in the kingdom will be picking up his shovel, heading to these mountains, filling his sack and next thing you know there will be a glut of the things leading to a fall in prices and, the queen paused taking a deep breath, well, you know what that means.

Lady Euphansia did and was rather surprised at the queen’s grasp of basic economics. Usually the only things Queen Ferimond grasped at were delicate cakes and buns. Obviously, since the disappearance of her husband and Goneunderland ruler, King Longwiff, the queen had acquired a bit of learning and, frightening for her ladyship, was taking her magisterial role more serious than her husband who had preferred to spend his time dyeing and knitting wool.

The economics of the situation went like this: for every luxite sold, the crown received exactly 10 per cent of the selling price (currently 5 gooners), a state of affairs that not only kept the royal family rolling in riches but enabled them to house the multitude of nobles that lived with them inside the massive walls of Glazbouch Palace that towered over Artobia. The rest of the proceeds went to the sellers, the cutters, and lastly, and definitely at the bottom, the actual miners themselves, the mighty, hairy knapplers who toiled for the stones that carried light from the giant illuminole at our North Pole down and around this deep world of caverns and tunnels.

While the queen’s reasoning was sound, Lady Euphansia knew, or at least hoped, that Queen Ferimond was unaware of one other factor dictating the price of luxite crystals. For every crystal sold Lady Euphansia Fish herself took 1 gooner. Every seller in the land was required (unofficially, of course) to keep a single gooner back that made its way via tax collectors to the purse of the Financial Controller, one of her ladyship’s many titles that she had inherited from her late, murdered husband, who was also on the take. For turning a blind eye to this practice, the sellers were able to keep their sales license and the tax collectors were able to keep their jobs. All-in-all everyone was happy. That is, when the price remained stable. Should prices fall, then this happy state of economic affairs would find itself under unwanted strain. Also, some crystals had to pass through tollgates, a mere formality but some requested payment for ‘extra baggage’ and a percentage of this payment also found its way into the private coffers belonging to her ladyship.

Road blocks have been put in place, Your Majesty, Lady Euphansia said. As soon as I heard of the explosion, I instructed Captain Plumbender to post sentries at either end of Kneecap Knob, the last town on the road before the path to the mountains. From there any attempt to reach the area would be extremely hard, if not fatal.

Nevertheless, said the queen, an area the size of Artobia sparkling with crystals is a tempting thing. Your sentries, she said with an arched eyebrow, may stop a few adventurers, but there’s more than one way to stuff a dead swampcow.

"There is indeed, Your Majesty. And may I ask what do you intend to do about it? I am sure that is why you asked me here."

Lady Euphansia awaited the usual pause. Royals, she had learned, liked to criticise and pontificate but they rarely had any original ideas. However, this time the queen sounded positively enthused and waved her pudgy hands about as she spoke.

I’m pleased you asked. It is my intention that a party be sent immediately to... to... Knobby Knees...

Kneecap Knob, said Eutropius.

...to Knobcap’s Knees and from there make the journey to the source of the explosion and claim the entire region in my name.

Your name? said Lady Euphansia.

Of course, beamed the large-beamed queen. In fact, Mr Stiffkey has suggested that we rename this region Queen Ferimond Land. What do you think about that, eh?

Lady Euphansia glared at Eutropius who shifted uneasily from foot to foot.

A splendid idea, Your Majesty, she said through a forced, crooked smile, a look that was infamous throughout the palace’s enormous echoing corridors.

I think that’s a silly name. It should be called Ophilious Land. The three adults looked at the sweet-licking prince.

Don’t be silly, Orphie, said the queen. And please don’t interrupt, Mummy has important business to attend to. Anyway, she sniffed, anything is better than Another Time Land.

And this party, has it been assembled? asked Lady Euphansia.

The queen’s beam broadened. Indeed it has. What’s more, I chose it myself.

And may I enquire as to who this party consists of?

Of course you may, Lady Euphansia. One wouldn’t be doing one’s duty if one did not keep one’s right-hand lady informed, would one?

No, one would not, said her ladyship through one set of gritted teeth.

Enjoying herself very much, the queen continued, Obviously, an expedition of this nature requires someone who knows a thing or two about stones and... and... and geological whatnot. For this reason I have appointed our own grader, Mr Billious Smock. I think you’ll agree that Mr Smock is an excellent choice.

Lady Euphansia nodded. So far so good. Billious Smock was an eccentric fool who spent his time locked in a small room inside the palace making a show of accepting or rejecting crystals brought to shine some light around this gloomy edifice. She would be surprised if he made it out of Artobia let alone all the way to Another Time Land. Anyway, her ladyship thought smiling to herself, everyone knew that rather than attending to the grading of crystals, Billious would rather be breeding blimeys, the small rat-like creatures that, like our own rodents, made their home in any nook and crevice, anywhere in fact where people created warm living spaces and dropped scraps. As Glazbouch Palace had all these prerequisites in abundance, its population of blimeys was rather large, not helped by numerous escapes from the cages Billious kept in his office. There was also something else about Billious Smock, something known only to Smock and Lady Euphansia herself.

And who else? prompted Lady Euphansia.

What was that? asked the Queen.

Capable as he is, I assume Mr Smock will not be going alone.

Yes... I mean no... I..." the queen looked at her master of ceremonies who held up a sheet of paper.

Accompanying Mr Smock will be two palace guards, guardsmen Ramble and Helmet. We are reliably informed that guardsman Helmet is from the town of Potbelly which is on the road to Kneecap Knob and will be familiar with the area. Guardsman Ramble is somewhat experienced in the use of a shovel, winning by a clear margin last year’s Shovel a Ton of Dirt Award at the palace fair.

Indeed he did, said the queen. I awarded the trophy myself. The man possesses a wonder pair of arms. Go on, Mr Stiffkey, said the queen to her master of ceremonies, there’s one more.

Thank you, Your Majesty. The party itself will be led by Sir Ockham Bally-Ping. Eutropius lowered the list.

There was a moment’s silence before Lady Euphansia spoke. Sir Ockham?

Oh, yes! said the queen clapping chubby little hands and kicking her feet out. I’m rather proud of myself for selecting Sir Ocky. Such a wonderful choice, don’t you think?

Lady Euphansia was thinking, very hard and very quickly. Sir Ockham Bally-Ping, or Ocky as he was known to his chums (and evidently to the queen) was one of the younger nobles, son to Sir Chafflight Bally-Ping and Lady Wanderella. Their daughter, Retsina, was one of the queen’s ladies-in-waiting and one of Lady Euphansia’s better sources of information for all things pertaining to the queen’s private life. While Retsina was well-grounded possessing a quick and clever mind, her brother’s head was full of whimsy resulting in long periods of languid reflections that often ended in very bad poetry. You could hear his sighs before you could hear his feet, thought Lady Euphansia. She could just see the picture - the queen lying back on her fluffy white pillows scarfing small cakes while Sir Ockham stroked his long, blonde locks and drooping beard while reciting his latest, over-sweet sickly offering.

If you don’t mind me saying, Your Majesty, Sir Ockham is rather an unusual choice and I wonder if...

The royal interrupted. Not entirely, Lady Euphansia. Sir Ockham volunteered.

Indeed?

Indeed. I was talking to him about... about things and he suddenly stood up, thrust out his chest and said, ’Your Majesty, you must allow me to lead this expedition.’ Of course, I agreed right away and we said that we would tell everyone that it was I who had asked him to go and not he who... who... Well, I’ve told you now but it makes no difference. Sir Ockham will be leading the expedition to Queen Ferimond Land.

Feeling events slipping away, Lady Euphansia decided she needed to occupy higher ground. Ma’am, she said standing, sending a party immediately to Kneecap Knob is an excellent idea, in fact I was going to suggest this myself...

Yes, the queen said with arched eyebrows, I thought you might.

And while Sir Ockham and Mr Smock are excellent choices, are you sure the two of them with just two guards is enough?

What do you mean, ‘enough’? Surely four able-bodied men is enough. It’s only a bit beyond Nobby’s... Noblet’s...

Kneecap Knob, Your Majesty, said Eutropius, thankful he had just started listening again.

Quite so, ma’am, continued Lady Euphansia, but I’m sure you’re aware, Kneecap Knob is over five days’ travel from here and beyond Artobia the road is extremely dangerous to travel on.

Dangerous? said the queen.

Very dangerous. Not only is the traveller faced with navigating a road that quickly becomes a mere dirt track, but a track that is plagued by bandits, thieves, vagabonds, rogues and highway men. Lady Euphansia wondered if she had over-egged the obvious repetition but she was quickly proved wrong.

Bandits? said the queen. I had no idea our roads were plagued by bandits. Do we have such things, Mr Eutropius?

Lady Euphansia was now in her