The Lizard of Oz

By Richard Seltzer

When an elementary class sets out on a quest to save the world from disenchantment, their adventures reveal paradoxes of the human mind and ways of awakening the magic within us. Library Journal -- "An intriguing and very entertaining little novel" Aspect -- "Carroll and Tolkien have a new companion" Lancaster (PA) Independent Press -- "a work so saturated that the mind is both stoned with pleasure and alive with wonder" Philadelphia Bulletin -- "A commentary on our times done delightfully"

• Language: English
• Publisher: Seltzer Books
• Release date: Mar 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9781455395897

Book preview

THE LIZARD OF OZ BY RICHARD SELTZER

Copyright 1974, 1988, 2018 by Richard Seltzer

Illustrated by Christin Couture

This is an expanded version of the underground classic, originally published in 1974.

Published by Seltzer Books

established in 1974, as B&R Samizdat Express

offering over 14,000 books

feedback welcome: [e-mail]

Books by the Richard Seltzer available from Seltzer Books

The Name of Hero

Ethiopia Through Russian Eyes (translation from the Russian)

The Lizard of Oz

Now and Then and Other Tales from Ome

Saint Smith and Other Stories

The Gentle Inquisitor and Other Stories

Echoes from the Attic (with Ethel Kaiden)

Web Business Bootcamp (2002)

The Social Web (1998)

The Way of the Web (1995)

Heel, Hitler and Other Plays

Dryden's Exemplary Drama and Other Essays

CHAPTER ONE: THE HUMBUG

CHAPTER TWO: THE REDCOATS

CHAPTER THREE: THE POTHOLE

CHAPTER FOUR: POTHEAD LAND

CHAPTER FIVE: SIR REAL

CHAPTER SIX: EGGHEAD LAND

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE LIBRARY

CHAPTER EIGHT: BIG MACK

CHAPTER NINE -- PRINCE FROG

CHAPTER TEN -- THE RIVER

CHAPTER ELEVEN: THE UNDERWORLD

CHAPTER TWELVE: THE WEATHERMAN

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: THE LOWEST COURT

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: THE KNIGHTS OF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND TABLE

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE MOTHERS OF FACT

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: THE MUSES

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: CLOUD NINE

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: MR. SHERMIN

CHAPTER NINETEEN: REVIEW OF THE TROOPS

CHAPTER TWENTY: REDLAND

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: THE MOORS

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: MISS OSBORNE'S DREAM

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE -- THE MOUTH OF THE NILE

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: CAPTAIN AHAB

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: NATURE AND SCIENCE

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: THE GREAT DRAGON OF OME

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: WINTHROP

APPENDIX -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT

CHAPTER ONE: THE HUMBUG

The day after yesterday, the fire of enchantment burnt low, and children; and even grownups, found nothing new in the world, nothing worth seeing or doing or bothering about, except machines. There was no magic left, except in a classroom in Winthrop, Massachusetts, where a pair of talking fish, Mrs. O'Rourke and Mr. Shermin, lived in a fishbowl.

Their school was near the airport, across the harbor from Boston. The sound of planes overhead was loud everywhere but in the basement, where two classes had the good luck to be assigned. The teachers, Miss Osborne and Miss Shelby, were friends and had removed the partition so the classes could be together. It was an extraordinarily bright and creative set of kids and teachers. The principal was so proud of them that he suspended normal rules so they could go on field trips whenever the weather and the mood were right. It was as a field trip that the quest began that took them to Oz and to Ome to bring back enchantment to the world.

It all began one morning when Mrs. O'Rourke got out of bed and stretched her fins and shouted, Good morning, everybody! just like she always did on school days. But this time no one answered. So she wiggled to the front of the fishbowl and pressed her eyes against the glass. The whole class was there:  Eugene and Mark and Linda S. and Linda C. and Cindy and Donny and Peter and Gaynell and Kathy. But no one was smiling or laughing or playing. They all looked blank and bored and disenchanted.

So Mrs. O'Rourke wiggled to the other end of the fishbowl, where Mr. Shermin lived. Mr. Shermin knew most everything. He used to be a teacher until he decided he wanted to be a fish, and then he knew how to make himself a fish, which not many people, even teachers, know how to do.

Mr. Shermin said, It's the Humbug.

  The Humbug? asked Mrs. O'Rourke.

Yes, the Humbug. You may think that noise in the sky is airplanes. But, no; that's the Humbug. He's been flying around beating on his humdrum and disenchanting everybody. I was afraid we'd start to hear him down here. It was just a matter of time.

But where can we go? What can we do?

Calm down now, Mrs. O'Rourke. Calm down. Mr. Shermin could just imagine what it would be like living in a fishbowl with Mrs. O'Rourke if she didn't have anybody to talk to but him. So he tried hard to think of a way to break the disenchantment.

Mrs. O'Rourke calmed down and cheered up and calmed down -- up down, up down, like on a sea-saw, only she wasn't at sea, just in a fishbowl, waiting for Mr. Shermin to think of how to get the world back to its usual enchanted self.

The only way to break the disenchantment, he told her, is to make the Humbug change his tune. But only the Lizard of Oz can make him do that.

The Lizard?

Many stories in books and movies tell about the Wizard of Oz and his Emerald City. In those stories, that city isn't really emerald. The Wizard makes everyone wear glasses with green lenses that make everything look green. He's just an ordinary person who pretends to be magic. Well, those stories were written by the Humbug. He wants everyone to think that enchantment is make-believe. The Humbug doesn't want people to know about the Lizard. So he wrote about The Wizard, hoping people would confuse this make-believe Wizard with the real Lizard. And because he wrote such good stories, everyone remembers the Wizard, instead of the Lizard.

But who is the Lizard of Oz?

A magical creature who lives in the green green grass of Ome.

Ome?

Yes, Ome is the nicest part of Oz, with lakes and trees and lots of grass to roll in.

How can we get there? asked Mrs. O'Rourke.

The best way is in a little green VW.

Mrs. O'Rourke remembered that Miss Osborne had a little green VW. But before she could say that, she saw Eugene, the tallest of the kids, standing next to the fishbowl.

Can I help? Eugene asked.

Holy mackerel! exclaimed Mrs. O'Rourke. Mr. Shermin, she asked. I thought you said the children are disenchanted?

Mr. Shermin explained, They haven't heard the Humbug much because they've been down here in the basement at school. So they're not as disenchanted as everyone else. And Eugene, at least, can still hear us.

Just then they heard a dull humming noise through the windows, then faint words repeated over and over, "Humdrum Humbug beating on his humdrum. Humdrum Humbug beating on his humdrum..."

Quick, Eugene! shouted Mr. Shermin. Put cotton in your ears! And tell everyone else to put cotton in theirs. Maybe it's not too late. You kids may still be enchanted enough to reach Oz and roll through the green green grass of Ome and find the Lizard and get him to change the Humbug's tune.

CHAPTER TWO: THE REDCOATS

Eugene was the only in the class who could still hear Mr. Shermin clearly enough to grasp what he had to say. He got everyone to put cotton in their ears, so they couldn't hear the Humbug. Then he told them what Mr. Shermin had told him about why they needed go to Oz and Ome and find the Lizard.

It being a beautiful spring day, Miss Osborne had wanted to take the class on a field trip. She had changed her mind when it turned out that everyone was down and disgruntled. Now nearly all of them caught Eugene's enthusiassm. So she agreed that they should go; and Oz was as good a destination as any.

Kevin was the only one who objected. I'm too big for kids' stuff.

But Miss Shelby said, The fresh air will do you good. And you know very well that whatever we do, we do together.

So, along with everyone else, Kevin piled into Miss Osborne's little green VW.

That was a very crowded little green VW with Eugene and Mark and Linda S. and Linda C. and Donny and Joey and Timmy and Miss Osborne and Kevin and Peter and Miss Shelby and Gaynell and Kathy and Cindy, who got to hold the fishbowl, because she's very careful, and it takes a very careful person to hold a fishbowl when you're sitting on Linda S., and Linda S. is sitting on Eugene, and Kathy is stretched across your belly, and your knees are touching the ceiling. But Mr. Shermin had said that the best way to get to Oz is in a little green VW, and Mr. Shermin knew most everything.

When they got to the first intersection, Miss Osborne asked, Which way is Oz?

Donny told her, Just follow the yellow-brick road.

She laughed, That may sound easy, Donny, but where's the yellow-brick road? Have ever seen a yellow-brick road in Winthrop?

Mr. Shermin answered, "No trouble, Miss Osborne. No trouble at all. I have a magic coin. I'll flip it at every