When We Montage We Win At Sports

By Joe Scott

Three unmade and probably unmakeable sports movies: "Dummy Boxing" about a scrappy group of ventriloquist beat boxers; "Caddy Cat 7: Cat's Out Of The Bag" the much-anticipated seventh adventure of America's favorite feline golf caddy; and "A Guy Plays Baseball" about a guy who plays baseball. Laugh-out-loud funny. Completely unpredictable. And a little strange. These are unforgettable.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Scott
• Release date: Jun 9, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463270004

Joe Scott

Kansan born 1987. Until recently I was aiming to write artsy literary short fiction. Even went to college for it, but I turned down an offer to go to grad school for it. Now maybe I've swung too hard the other way, distributing free short-run zines and selling comedy online, but I like what I'm doing. Art should be cheap.

Book preview

The following are treatments for unmade and probably unmakeable films. But, who knows, if you’re in the business of making silver screen magic and you like what you see, contact Joe Scott at [e-mail].

Dummy Boxing

We meet the crew, Jack (20s, leading man handsome), Kevin, Devin, and Jevin (20s, all less handsome; cool guy, nerd, and gay) at Venice Beach plying their trade: marionette breakdancing. Kevin sets up the marionette stage. Devin hits a track on the boombox. Jevin calls for a crowd. Jack takes his place behind the stage. Close up on Jack as he expertly manipulates the cross bars. His tongue comes out with his game face as the routine gets more technically intense. The marionette twirls, spins, handstands, footstands! All to the sick retro beats from Devin’s boombox! Beads of sweat roll from Jack’s hands down the strings and onto the marionette so it’s as if the marionette itself is sweating! This only adds to the verisimilitude of the final, seemingly impossible stunt: when the marionette whirls into the air for a galactic, inverted switch kick spin! A thrilled crowd of several elderly tourists murmur I’m pretty sure this is Venice Beach.

Jacks steps aside to let Jevin and Devin onto the stage. The crowd continues watching intermittently between asking passerby if they’ve found Venice Beach.

Consoling, Kevin says: It’s not us, Jack, it’s the crowds today. So dead out here!

Jack: I don’t know, Kevin, maybe I’m just not good enough.

Kevin: Are you kidding me!? You’ve got magic hands, man. When you’re tugging those strings, I feel like you’re tugging the strings to my soul!

Just then: A busload of tourists arrive. Jack cracks his knuckles preparing to take the stage. Jevin, with cupped hands to his mouth, is just about to call the crowd over, but what’s this? A cool beat emanates from somewhere among the crowd. Then: A hype man pipes up and marshalls the crowd to a spot about twenty feet down from Jack and crew.

Jack and crew stand on tiptoes at the back of the crowd to watch: A line of five guys looking ahead, motionless,