An Ounce of Prevention

By Gary W. Kirby

Is there a way to prevent—and stop—violence and abuse in intimate relationships? This book, the first in a series aimed at helping readers better understand domestic abuse, explores how that information can be used to teach readers to make positive choices about their own physical and emotional safety and the physical and emotional safety of their children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 31, 2018
• ISBN: 9780968443415

Book preview

Copyright 2018 Gary W. Kirby

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording, or otherwise, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the publisher, with the exception of reprints in the context of interviews.

Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data

Kirby, Gary W,

An Ounce of Prevention

Print ISBN: 978-0-96844-342-2

eBook ISBN: 978-0-96844-341-5

Includes bibliographical references and index.

1. Family violence. 2. Domestic violence. 3. Intimate partner violence. 4. Relationship violence. 5. Conjugal violence. 6. Abuse. 7. Domestic abuse

Published by:

Gary W. Kirby

312, 1410 9 AVE SE

Calgary, AB T2G 0T5

Canada

403.200.5380

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Introduction

About the Author

Part I- Understanding violence and abuse and

recognizing it in your relationships

Chapter 1

Violence and abuse

Chapter 2

About the Children

Chapter 3

The Cycle of Violence

Chapter 4

Common characteristics of the violent or abusive individual

Chapter 5

Common characteristics of the abused individual

Chapter 6

Are You Being Abused?

Part II- What you can do about the violence and abuse in your relationship

Chapter 7

Looking for help

Chapter 8

Safety Plan—for yourself and your children

Chapter 9

Moving Forward

Chapter 10

Staying or Leaving?

Part III- Other matters

Chapter 11

Avoiding future violent and/or abuse in your relationship

Chapter 12

Are you abusive? – helping yourself

Chapter 13

Helping a Friend Who is in an Abusive Relationship

Conclusion

Bibliography

Appendix A

Abuse treatment programs and/or Anger Management Programs

Dedication

This book is dedicated to every person who is experiencing, or who has experienced, violence and abuse at the hands of another.

You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. C. S. Lewis

Acknowledgements

I couldn’t have written this book without the direct and indirect help of many others. I have so many wonderful women in my life, all of them caring, supportive and strong. I appreciate every one of these women and I thank them all for being in my life.

I remember when I was a lot younger someone asked me if I could change anything in my life, would I? My response was no, that my childhood, while tough, has only provided me with the opportunity to learn and to grow. If I anyone asked that same question today I would have to say the same thing, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I want to thank all the people, good and bad, that have been in my life. Without them, this book would not have been possible.

Thank you to Jayne Martin who has spent countless hours editing all I have written. Not only is she a great editor, she is a good friend and someone I appreciate very much. I thank Nicole and Keri for their support and friendship. It is people like them that make life worth living. And thanks to Cam Chu for her tremendous artwork for the book cover. Had it up to me the cover would have been very basic, at best.

Introduction

As I reread my original book I realized how short it was and how much I didn’t include in the book. Over the years I have continued on with my research and now I have retired I am re-writing the original book.

This book will be the first in a series of books designed and written to further our understanding of why violence and abuse happens in intimate relationships and how we can end these behaviours, and even prevent them from happening at all.

I believe we can end and prevent violence and abuse in intimate relationships.

Over the years I have discovered that the Family violence community is, or at least appears to be, content with were they are – there is nothing new being brought to this issue. We have no one thinking outside the box, trying to find new ways to assess and treat violent and abusive individuals. Nothing to help reduce or even eliminate Family Violence. I have also heard about a comment from police that we need to do more around this issue, that the accepted way of dealing with Family/Domestic violence isn’t working anymore. That is what I am trying to say, we have ceased growing and we aren’t looking outside the accepted philosophy for things that have changed and, we are not looking elsewhere to see what other jurisdictions are doing.

In my research I have found there are other jurisdictions that have made, and continue to make, progress and continue to work, looking for more and better ways to help.

Besides my continued research, my experiences growing up have lead me to see things differently.

I challenge the belief it is only men who commit violence and abuse against women. I believe we do a disservice to anyone and everyone who has been on the receiving end of violence and abuse who doesn’t fall into that group.

Does most violence and abuse happen by men against women? It does. This will be a tough one for a lot of feminists but it is important to acknowledge that women can be just as abusive and violence. There have even been books published about that phenomenon and there is a treatment program or two that deal with women who abuse and are violent against their male partners. Women aren’t immune to being abusive or striking out at their partners. There may be some subtle differences in the underlying reasons for the violence and abuse, or the abuse used by women but women are human and just as subject to the same pressures as men. In our society we see that as women progress and take on more responsibility in life and business, the more they respond similarly to men.

Not only that, violence and abuse happen in many different types of relationships:

male/female relationships

same sex relationships (whether male or female)

child and parent; parent and child

adult children and senior

teens, early teens and even younger sometimes

workplace relationships, we hear a lot about abuse in the workplace.

Authors personal note: I remember when my daughters (the oldest two) were in elementary school. The schools were going to be introducing sex education at the elementary school level. We lived in a smaller community outside Calgary at the time and the schools were very community focused. Anyway, there were a couple of meetings I attended with my wife to listen and ask questions about the whole sex education thing. At one point it came up in the discussions that the school knew of several children who were already sexually active. This wasn’t grade six kids either. The children in question were in grade three and four. I found, and still find, that hard to believe but it did and does happen. As a society, we seem to be in such a hurry to grow our kids and shift many of our responsibilities on to them we sometimes forget that when we do that there are consequences. Some of these consequences mean our children are acting as adults with adult behaviours, without the emotional maturity that goes along with those behaviours. As a result, we see young children who are abusive and violent with other children.

I believe If we continue to accept there is a single cause of Family/Domestic violence (it being about power and control – one person wants to control and have power over another) then we do a severe injustice to all individuals who have or have been the victims (survivors) of violence and abuse in their relationships. We can’t take a one size fits all approach to ending Family/Domestic Violence.

I think it is very important to clarify that I am not saying the only cause of violence and abuse is having been abused or witnessed violence and abuse when younger. I think it is very important to keep an open mind. Violence and abuse happens, as discussed, where the only concern is power and control (predatory or intentional aggression). There is also violence and abuse that is condoned in certain cultures. For example, in certain cultures it is expected that a family member or members (in these cases the male family members) have the right or obligation to be violent and abusive in certain circumstances.

I believe treatment programs need to take all factors into account when treating individuals who are, or have been, violent and abusive. Proper, and unbiased, assessments need to take place and the programs tailor made to different