So Far Away: A Daughter's Memoir of Life, Loss, and Love

By Christine W. Hartmann

Christine Hartmann's mother valued control above all else, yet one event appeared beyond her command: the timing of her own death. Not to be denied there either, two decades in advance Irmgard Hartmann chose the date on which to end her life. And her next step was to tell her daughter all about it. For twenty years, Irmgard maintained an unwavering goal, to commit suicide at age seventy. She managed her chronic hypertension, stayed healthy and active, and lived life to the fullest. Meanwhile, Christine fought desperately against the decision. When Irmgard wouldn't listen, the only way to remain part of her life was for Christine to swallow her mother's plans--hook, line, and sinker.

Christine's father, as it turned out, prepared too slowly for old age. Before he had made any decision, fate disabled him through a series of strokes. Confined to a nursing home, severely impaired by dementia and frustrated by his circumstances, his life epitomized the predicament her mother wanted to avoid.

So Far Away gives us an intimate view of a person interacting with and reacting to her parents at the ends of their lives. In a richly detailed, poignant story of family members' separate yet interwoven journeys, it underscores the complexities and opportunities that life presents each one of us.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Vanderbilt University Press
• Release date: Nov 15, 2011
• ISBN: 9780826517975

Christine W. Hartmann

Christine W. Hartmann, Research Health Scientist, ENR Memorial Veterans Hospital, Bedford, Massachusetts, and Assistant Professor, Boston University, Boston, Massachusetts, received her PhD at the Bryn Mawr Graduate School of Social Work and Social Research. She has published numerous articles on healthcare quality improvement, focusing particularly on long-term care.

Reviews for So Far Away

[maryinhb · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

MY THOUGHTSLOVED ITChristine Hartmann's mother. Irmgard, tells her that she plans on committing suicide when she turns seventy. No matter how many discussions mother and daughter have about it, the fact remains that Irmgard does not want to live through a painful end. After watching her brilliant father descend into dementia and suffer strokes, her mother is determined not to share the same fate. Hartmann has recreated her conversations with her mother to tell her about the loss she suffered when both her parents pass. This is a very emotional memoir that will hit home with anyone who has lost a parent. Hartmann should be thanked for publishing this important story about her own grief and loss of her parents. It is a story that everyone can relate to that has elderly parents and one that should open discussions about your own end of life choices with your children. I was truly heartbroken by the end of the story when her mother actually follows through with the act. Even though it was discussed, I don't think Hartmann actually ever thought that her mother would go through with it. This is something all parents and children need to talk about before life gets to a point where you can't make an informed choice.

[thelostentwife · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I struggled with this memoir. Granted, I should have known I’d struggle with it – the subject matter was just so hard.Christine Hartmann is a strong woman. I don’t know that I could have done what she did. She builds the story over a period of about ten years, but the psychological impact her mother had on her lasted longer than that. Can you imagine? Living with the knowledge that your mother plans to die by suicide? I can’t.This book inspired a good, heartfelt talk between me and my parents which essentially started with, “Look, I know you don’t want to lose your dignity as you get older, but I’m here to help you as you age. I like you around, and I don’t want to lose you before your time.” And that was something that needed to be said. I know I would not have the strength to hug my mother, who is perfectly healthy, and walk away with the knowledge that I won’t see her again.I really struggled with Christine Hartmann’s decisions throughout the book, and I was glad to see that, toward the end, these decisions are finally challenged in a way that they needed to be. I wont’ give more information then that, but I do feel that it’s vital to know that there is a reason to keep reading – even though the subject matter seems to drag you down deeper and deeper into this horrible muck.I admire Hartmann as well – for putting this story down on paper. I hope it helps to heal her, and I hope the bad memories fade over time until all she can remember are the good ones.

[judycroome_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

If I could give this memoir 10 stars I would. If you are in a care-giving situation for your parents, buy, beg , borrow or steal a copy of this book. It will comfort and guide you through the loneliness of losing your parents while they are still physically alive.SO FAR AWAY has had me crying – no, sobbing – inconsolably for the past two days as I read it. I am drained and exhausted and utterly relieved that I am no longer alone in my journey of grief. That there is a way through this loss; there is even life at the end of this seemingly endless road that has drained all my energy, my enthusiasm and my optimism, turning me ever more isolationist and remote from real life. What makes this book special is that Dr Hartmann’s life, losses and love are mine too. Reading Hartmann’s story allowed me to cry for her that which I cannot yet cry for myself: the loss of my hero, my “pardner,” my beloved Dad.I could cry, too, for the fading of that strong light that was the hallmark of my courageous Mom, her joie de vivre overshadowed now by the endless day-to-day caring of the physical body that houses the lost soul of her husband and my father. Hartmann’s compassionate, endless caring, the relentless journey to understand both herself and her parent’s emotional wounds fill this memoir and made me realise that I too carry a deep private grief and double loss inside me. She reminds me what I had forgotten: that this cycle of life, too, can be a path of mutual love and respect between special parents and a daughter they had, despite their own wounds and private griefs, always surrounded in love and support.The subtitle of this book is that it’s a “memoir about life, loss and love.” Ultimately, SO FAR AWAY is simply an Ode to Love and it has gifted me with the memory of love at its best. I know once again that connections forged in love ever remain. SO FAR AWAY has "soothed the ragged tears of my heart," and for that I sincerely thank Christine Hartmann for having the courage to share her story with us.