Donkey, Elephant and None of the Above: a Play in Three Acts

By Steve Kanigher

If you believe the biggest threat to democracy comes from people who don't vote, think again. None, a nonvoter, gets into an Election Day confrontation with fellow shoppers Voter and Slot Player inside a grocery store in Las Vegas, Nevada. With store employee Sweeper joining in, None explains his aversion to voting by attempting to argue there is a wide gulf separating voters from the candidates they elect. The argument escalates when the partisan Donkey and Elephant rush into the store looking for nonvoters. The argument continues outside in the store parking lot, where None stands his ground, much to the chagrin of the Donkey and Elephant.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Steve kanigher
• Release date: Feb 25, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386984726

Steve Kanigher

Steve Kanigher is a retired investigative reporter who resides in Las Vegas, Nevada. His national journalism honors include the George Foster Peabody Award from the University of Georgia, the Alfred I. duPont Award from Columbia University, the Edward R. Murrow Award from the Radio Television Digital News Association, and the Sigma Delta Chi Award from the Society of Professional Journalists. This is his first play.  

Book preview

DONKEY, ELEPHANT AND

NONE OF THE ABOVE

Copyright ©2016 by Steve Kanigher.

All Rights Reserved.

Cover images courtesy

of OpenClipart.org.

PREFACE

This play is dedicated to the more than 40 percent of eligible voters in the United States who declined to vote in the 2016 presidential election.

CAST

NONE: know-it-all man in his 40s.

VOTER: ditzy housewife in her 30s.

SWEEPER: street-smart store employee in her 20s.

SLOT PLAYER: degenerate gambler in his 50s.

DONKEY: gender neutral political party figure.

ELEPHANT: gender neutral political party figure.

SCENES

Act I — Inside a grocery store in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Act II — Inside the store moments later.

Act III — Later in the parking lot outside the store.

TIME

The present.

ACT I

Late morning Election Day inside the three-aisle grocery store with a slot machine on the side. SLOT PLAYER, with cart of groceries at his side and an I Voted Too badge on his shirt, mutters as he continues to lose on the slot machine. VOTER, wearing an I Voted badge on her blouse, crosses paths with NONE as both push carts. The two shoppers set their sights on the single remaining package of animal crackers on the shelf in the center aisle. As NONE reaches for the bag ...

VOTER: Excuse me. Are you gonna deprive my kids of those animal crackers?

NONE: No ma'am. (Grabs bag and examines it.) I just find it amusing they put donkeys and elephants in the same bag.

VOTER: What's so funny about that?

NONE: Well, did you hear the one about a donkey and an elephant that walked into a big circus tent?

VOTER: Quit stalling and hand over the bag if you're not gonna buy it. My youngest will throw a fit if he doesn't get his daily dose of hippos and rhinos.

NONE: Just hear me out. The donkey and the elephant stroll into the big top. The donkey sees the trapeze and says: All animals should be entitled to free trapeze lessons if they can't afford them. The elephant says: I suppose you think everyone in the animal kingdom should pay for those lessons? That's right, the donkey says. To which the elephant replies: I'll go along with that as long as the animals with free passes don't get to use the safety net. The donkey and the elephant call each other names, settle nothing and part ways.

VOTER: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

NONE: That's what none of the above thought, too.

VOTER: Who's that?

NONE: The guy in the peanut gallery.

VOTER: None of the above, what's the point?

NONE: Want me to spell it out for you?

VOTER: Since you aren't handing over the bag, my kids are gonna ask me a lot of questions. And one of them is gonna be, what was the name of the man who took our animal crackers?

NONE: None of the above.

VOTER: Seriously?

NONE: That's right. I'm none of the above. And you?

VOTER: (Shows off badge.) I'm Voter. I did what normal people normally do on Election Day. I followed a norm. I voted.

NONE: Those are two words I never uttered.

VOTER: Shame on you!

NONE: Well, we just met.

VOTER: You never voted? Have you even registered to vote?

NONE: None of the above.

VOTER: What kind of citizen are you? Don't you know you should vote?

NONE: To what end?

VOTER: To keep our government running.

NONE: What if I don't like the way it's running?

VOTER: Vote for someone else.

NONE: What if the person I want to vote for isn't on the ballot?

VOTER: You can write their name on the ballot. It's called a write-in candidate.

NONE: What if I want to write in Mickey Mouse?

VOTER: It's a free country.

NONE: What if enough people wrote in Mickey Mouse that Mickey won the election?

VOTER: That's not gonna happen.

NONE: But it could.

VOTER: There's no way Mickey Mouse could win an election.

NONE: You seen our government lately?

SWEEPER: (Sweeps with broom.) Excuse me, sir.

(NONE steps aside.)

VOTER: Young lady.

SWEEPER: (Continues to sweep.) Yeah?

VOTER: What do you think of someone who doesn't vote?

SWEEPER: Depends.

VOTER: What do you mean?

SWEEPER: Well, there could be reasons for not voting.

VOTER: Like what?

SWEEPER: You could avoid electing someone who'd conduct campaign fraud.

VOTER: That's silly.

SWEEPER: Or someone who misuses franking privileges.

VOTER: Oh, come now.

SWEEPER: How about the guys who trade votes for kickbacks?

VOTER: Are you serious?

SWEEPER: I hear all the time about politicians who receive free vacations from lobbyists.

VOTER: Don't be ridiculous.

SWEEPER: Also can't leave out the ones who commit plagiarism in speeches.

NONE: How about the ones who engage in sex scandals or hand patronage jobs to their friends?

SWEEPER: Yeah, yeah. Something like that.

VOTER: Are you two related?

SWEEPER: I'm just sayin' I can understand why someone doesn't vote.

VOTER: Have you ever voted?

SWEEPER: Can't say I have.

VOTER: Why not?

SWEEPER: They won't let me.

VOTER: Who won't let you?

SWEEPER: Lady justice. I'm a two-time ex-felon.

NONE: So, you must know a lot of politicians.

SWEEPER: Yeah, come to think of it. When I was doing time, I met a few out in the yard. Always flapping their jaws.

NONE: That's called a filibuster.

VOTER: (To NONE.) Enough with the jaw flapping, buster ... filibuster. (To SWEEPER.) Now young lady, someone like you doing time? I don't believe it.

SWEEPER: Believe it. First time was for this epic love letter I wrote my boyfriend.

VOTER: So it was a crime of passion?

SWEEPER: I was certainly passionate about my use of rainbow-colored spray paint to write the letter. I thought it would be cool to use as my canvas the side of a boxcar. But the railroad bosses weren't exactly moved by my heartfelt expression. So they tagged me for malicious mischief.

VOTER: What terrible thing did you do to be returned to prison?

SWEEPER: I was a caregiver for my sick aunt. She had a poor appetite on account of her stomach cancer. So I began growing marijuana plants. Except I sorta lost track and grew too many. A nosy neighbor called the cops and the D.A. called me a trafficker, like I was the second coming of some Colombia drug lord. Turns out the D.A. and the judge were running for re-election on a tough on crime platform.

NONE: Ever hear politicians say they're soft on crime?

SWEEPER: Yeah, right. Well, they got their scalp. Me. So now I'm