Beyond The Coat Cupboard

By R. J. Sayer

A wormhole to another galaxy in your cupboard? What could possibly go wrong?

As far as her family is concerned, Dot doesn’t have a friend in the world. What they don’t know is that you don’t have to be in your own world to make friends. Of course, that’s if you consider alien beetles, rodents of Einsteinian intelligence, and genetically altered taxi-drivers to be suitable friends for a twelve-year-old girl?

When the strange goings on in her coat cupboard lead to Dot meeting T’Chi, from the planet Scarabos, she discovers that humans aren’t the only ones who think they own planet Earth. Can Dot, with the help of her unlikely allies, travel through the Omnitube and find a way to stop the insane Dr Greeg from rebooting her planet? Can she escape the ferociously hungry Vezpasaur or the repulsive Phluphi Kitys? Can she really trust Prince Rauffe or figure out how to play Pteraball? Can she find something to eat other than maggotini lasagne and barkburgers?

Beyond The Coat Cupboard is the first novel in R. J. Sayer’s Sci-fi Omnitube Adventure series, a hilarious romp through space, time and dung. This book is a wacky, roller-coaster ride featuring electro-weapon shoot-outs, super-strong aliens, genetic experiments and frequent jokes about bodily functions. If you like Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, and Steve Cole then this should be your next read!

Buy yourself an intergalactic travel pass through the Omnitube today!

• Language: English
• Publisher: R. J. Sayer
• Release date: Jan 27, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370939558

R. J. Sayer

Ron James Sayer is a new author from the wilderness of East Anglia in the UK. having spent the past several decades as a musician with many albums recorded and gigs performed, Ron has decided to return to his oldest passion. Writing weird books about science fiction, the paranormal and other strange and spooky happenings.

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Beyond The Coat Cupboard

R. J. Sayer

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Contents

Acknowledgements

Crustacea Minor?

Something Afoot in The Coat Cupboard

Staking Out The Coat Cupboard

Dot Lets Go

They Think They Own The Planet

Appointment With The Doctor

Attack Of The Silver Krijj

Dawkins

The Vezpasaur

Hit Or Miss

Hungry

Oryc’s Choice

The Sweet Smell Of Freedom

A Hitch In Time

Dyylloes To The Rescue

Don’t Mess With Hitch

Stiggsy

Rest, Relaxation And Rantings

Hitch’s OSX

The Archive

Back In The Day

Stampede Of The Frolepurs

Beating The Cistern

The Reunion

The Ziggurat

Dead Or Alive?

The House Of Konsil

The Ignorance Of Prince Rauffe

Finding Non-Rauffe

Dawkins Goes Shopping

The Mysterious Bag Snatcher

The Hiverium Queens

To The Scarena

Dot Finally Snaps

How To Train Your Pterascud

Oryc’s Choice Again

Pteraball Games And Terrible Shames

The Biggest Swap…Ever?

About The Author

Connect With R.J. Sayer

Acknowledgements

A Sincere thank you to my family and friends for putting up with me in the writing of Beyond The Coat Cupboard. In particular, Charlotte, Jasmine & Jadon, Mum & Dad, Sue Judd, June Atkins, Kat Harvey & Mariah Sinclair. Now that you have read this one you do realise you’ll have to read the rest…!

Crustacea Minor?

T’Chi was sure something had gone wrong with the omnitube. This wasn’t how he’d imagined Crustacea Minor would look. Not that he’d been given much time to imagine how it would look, having been thrown into the omnitube against his will. He was currently squatting uncomfortably in a small space that was covered with materials he didn’t recognise. It was cramped, dark, and there was an odd smell. But worst of all, he had just heard a squeak from somewhere nearby. He froze in terror, all four of his hands trembling at once, his feelers rattling. He didn’t want to be here. On the other hand, he didn’t want to be where he was supposed to be either. Actually, now he began to put some thought into it, he didn’t even want to be where he had been before he was here. Admittedly, that was a lot of places to not want to be, especially considering he’d hardly been anywhere before now. He willed himself to unfreeze and pressed the ‘Abort’ button on the Omnitube Synthesis Exaggerator they had given him. This would take him back home. However, T’Chi had a horrible feeling that going home without completing the mission would result in something far more unpleasant than a squeak in the dark.

Something Afoot In The Coat Cupboard

Dot was sure something was afoot in her coat cupboard. Afoot wasn’t exactly a word that suited any situation she had ever been in before. But she was also sure of the fact that it was the right word to use for this one. Coat cupboards were supposed to be uninteresting places and there was really no reason to assume hers was any different. Up until this afternoon that is. She should probably tell someone, but that never worked out too well in films, let alone in real life. Her parents would just think she was odder than they already thought she was. And to be fair to them, what had happened in the coat cupboard this afternoon was very odd indeed.

Considering how strangely it was to end, the week had started off normally enough. At least normal for Dot, with numerous detentions, letters home and stern lectures from both Mum and Dad. Her parents had a tendency to both lecture her at the same time with neither giving way to the other. This meant she could never properly focus on either, making them easier to ignore. The topics for this week’s rants ranged from fights at school and rudeness to teachers, through to her dismantling of Dad’s laptop and the mild electrocution of her brother. This last incident Dot had achieved by rigging up his door handle to a battery. Dot felt that her parents had, once again, failed to see past the immediate issue. Surely, they should be praising her imagination and cleverness? The lectures always seemed to end on the same subject. A subject which her parents blamed all of these incidents on. Dot’s seemingly permanent friendless state.

Friendless wasn’t how Dot felt though. As far as she was concerned, Dawkins was her best friend. It had taken an agonising amount of time to convince her parents that a pet rat was not only clean and sociable, but also intelligent and could learn tricks if you took the time. Time was something Dot was more than prepared to give Dawkins. They were inseparable outside of school hours ... not to mention a handful of incidents when Dot felt that rat-smuggling was appropriate, once again bringing down the wrath of school and the parental rant that she had become so used to.

Usually, Dot would vent her frustrations by launching into an extended session with her drum kit. She’d been playing for about a year now and, in that time, with careful and conscientious practice, had managed to get substantially louder than when she began.

However, on this particular day, Dot’s parents seemed to be strangely unwilling to suffer an evening of thunderous noise and, after just seven and a half minutes, Dad had burst in red-faced.

‘Could you possibly keep that down to a deafening racket?’ he bellowed.

Dot thought that a walk might be a better idea, so she collected Dawkins from his cage. He always joined her on her walks and, though conversation was never his strong point, Dot always talked just enough for both of them. Dawkins wasn’t just any old rat, he was an unusual looking rodent with long silvery fur that didn’t seem to want to behave despite many attempts by Dot to tame the unruly mop. Dot acquired him from a neighbour, an old man who was going into a care home. Dot wasn’t too certain how old Dawkins was but, with his silver hair and doddery way of walking, she imagined he was much the same age as the ancient neighbour.

Needing her jacket, she went to the small under stairs cupboard in the kitchen where the family kept various belongings such as wellies, hats, scarves and coats. It was in the usual state of disarray for the place that exists in all homes. That place where families throw everything they can’t be bothered to find a proper home for.

Dot imagined she was just as likely to find last year’s mouldy packed lunch, a dinosaur egg or a family of meerkats in there as she was to find her jacket. The cupboard was also woefully small for its job. This meant that if you were brave enough to open the door, you might find yourself swimming in assorted junk while searching for your required item. Dot didn’t mind this. She likened the experience to visiting a bouncy castle and a jumble sale at the same time. This, Dot thought, wasn’t a horrible way of spending five minutes.

She launched herself into the cupboard and, after a short time searching, she spotted and grabbed her favourite winter coat. Within a minute, she was hurrying out of the door and through the front gate. Dot, in her usual unobservant way, was looking inside her coat to make sure Dawkins was comfortable. This caused her to bump directly into a young boy who must have been standing right outside her gate.

‘Oh sorry!’ Dot blurted out. The boy appeared startled and stared at her blankly through a pair of piercing blue eyes. He said nothing. He was roughly her age, wearing clothes that seemed out of place. His ankle length boots appeared to be made from black rubber with imprints like a car tyre, his trousers were a faded green combat style, and he had a long, dark coat of a material she didn’t recognise. It looked like moleskin but seemed to glint a deep, dark purple in the evening light. A thin, black, leather scarf was wrapped tightly around his neck and he wore a black beanie hat with ‘Caterpillar’ across the front. The hat wasn’t particularly unusual. This made it stand out even more against the rest of the boy’s strange clothes. As if this wasn’t quite peculiar enough, his clothes were grubby as though he had been lying in cement or plaster.

Seconds passed and he was still looking at her with an expression akin to a rabbit in the headlights, still saying nothing. Feeling uncomfortable by this point, Dot was about to repeat her apology when the boy abruptly turned and ran off without a word.

Charming, thought Dot and, before her brain could stop her, she shouted, ‘Don’t they teach you to speak where you come from?’ It was rude, but she felt he deserved it. After all, he was the one hanging around outside her gate not watching out for walking people!

The rest of her short walk was uneventful, but as she approached her house she had the feeling someone was watching her. Turning into her gate, she glanced around to see a flash of dark purple disappearing behind a fence, two or three houses down the street.

‘What a delightful young man, Dawkins,’ she whispered to her furry companion. ‘First, he knocks me flying in the street and runs off without a word, and now he’s stalking me!’ Dawkins squeaked as if in reply and Dot swung open the front door.

‘Been out to see your friends, Dorothea?’ a sneering voice piped up. Dot looked up to see her brother sitting at the top of the stairs. He didn’t look at her; his eyes fixed on his tablet. The screen lit up his round, sullen face, giving him the appearance of a low-budget cartoon baddie. ‘Oh wait, you don’t have any friends. I forgot,’ he added then snickered to himself.

Levi made her life mildly unpleasant to unbearable in a number of ways. Simply being older by two years was ample ammunition to taunt her for the rest of her life. But he was also perfect, at least in her parents’ eyes. He did well at school. He always did his homework on the day it was set and never got detentions. Worst of all, he had the distinct talent of being able to say things to irritate Dot but still appear angelic in front of Mum and Dad. It hadn’t escaped Dot that his name was an anagram of ‘evil’ and ‘vile’.

Dot ignored him as she usually did and made her way through to the kitchen. After transferring Dawkins to the pocket of her hoodie, she removed her coat and opened the coat cupboard door to set it adrift the sea of junk once more. As she threw it in, she watched her phone fall out of one of the pockets. It tumbled into the jumble, dropping out of sight like a skipping stone into the ocean. Dot sighed and began the arduous task of finding it again. She leant forward onto the pile of coats and began to push her hand in between them feeling for the shiny phone among the materials. Success came after a minute or so and her hand closed around the phone. She drew her hand back and lay there comfy on the pile, reflecting on the unusual events of the walk. Then something happened that would make bumping into a rude, silent boy in weird clothes seem unremarkable.

A low hum began to emanate from the back of the cupboard and Dot felt a strange vibration through her fingertips. She lay still among the family jumble wondering what to think or do. As quickly as it had started, the hum and vibration suddenly stopped. Dot continued to lie perfectly still in complete silence. Suddenly, she felt herself and the cupboard contents being pushed backwards about half a metre. A blinding white light shot out from between the gaps in the various junk. There was a curious smell like burning hair and wet dog that made her nose turn up. She heard an irregular clicking and chattering sound and caught a very brief glimpse of something pointy. It was black but also iridescent like a soap bubble, poking through the coats and junk. This last development was all too much for Dot and she gave out a stifled squeak. At this the chattering became more agitated, getting faster and louder, which was exactly how Dot’s heart was behaving. She felt a scream begin at the back of her throat but, before it had gathered the energy to escape, everything simply went back to normal.

Dot, along with the cupboard clutter, fell awkwardly back into place with a thud. The light was gone, along with the hum. Only the fading smell of singed hair and damp dog gave Dot any clue that the last few moments hadn’t been a strange daydream. She gathered her thoughts, checked that Dawkins was okay, and slowly climbed her way backwards out of the cupboard. As she stood in the kitchen, staring at the cupboard door a flood of thoughts struck her all at once. Was it a dream? Unlikely – she had been clambering through a cupboard full of junk at the time. Was she going mad? Possibly – certainly more likely than the previous option.

‘Did you have a nice walk, Dot?’ Dot’s heart raced as she jumped several inches off the ground and let out a squeal. ‘Blimey, you look like you’ve seen a ghost, are you okay pumpkin?’ Dot’s mum asked.

‘Does insanity run in our family, Mum?’ stammered Dot.

‘Well …’ Mum said. ‘They do say that one in four people are mentally unbalanced and the rest of the family seem fine to me.’ Dot’s mum laughed at her own joke. Dot rolled her eyes, but it made her feel a little better. Her mum took a closer look at Dot. ‘You’ve been cutting your hair again, haven’t you?’ Dot looked sheepish, and not just because she had been shorn. ‘How many times have I said I'd take you to the hairdressers?’ her mum demanded.

‘It was getting on my nerves.’

‘It looks terrible, Dot. You look like you’ve been assaulted by an antique lawnmower. Let me try and do something with it,’ Mum made for the kitchen drawer and the scissors that lay within.

‘No, leave it alone. That was the look I was going for, Mum!’ Dot remonstrated. ‘Seriously, Mum. Does anyone in our family have mental problems? Like seeing things? Or smelling things?’

‘Smelling things?’ Dot’s mother half laughed. ‘What are you on about? Look, never mind that, would you go and get your brother for tea?’

‘I’d rather go and get rabies,’ mumbled Dot as she walked out of the kitchen to fetch her older sibling.

‘What was that, dear?’ Mum exclaimed, slightly concerned.

‘Um, I said, I’d love to go and get the little baby,’ answered Dot in an overly sweet voice. She had calmed down a little. Things had become more normal after leaving the cupboard but Dot was still sure that something was afoot.

Staking Out The Coat Cupboard

Dot went to bed early that night. The evening had progressed as usual. Teatime passed with the obligatory jokes about Mum’s terrible cooking and subtle jibes from Levi. Dot didn’t watch television with the family, opting to borrow Mum’s laptop to do some research instead. The problem Dot faced was how to Google her predicament. Searching for ‘strange thing in coat cupboard’ turned up a healthy 592,000 results; none seemed to relate in the slightest to her situation. As interesting as a blog on ‘12 most creative closet designs’ might be, it didn’t seem likely that it would shed any light on the creative goings-on in her particular closet. Similarly, a search for ‘burnt hair and wet dog’ came up with nothing helpful. Common sense told her to inform her parents of the strange happenings in their house but Dot felt that telling them would accomplish little more than a visit to the family doctor for her.

So, at 10.30 p.m. Dot was no closer to knowing what could have occurred that evening or how to deal with it. However, at 10.31 p.m an idea popped into her tired brain. If she ‘staked out’ the coat cupboard, like a detective in a thriller, she may discover what was going on. She would have to wait until the rest of the family were asleep, but this wasn’t usually a problem. Levi, being the saintly child he was, always got to bed on time and was already fast asleep. Mum and Dad were generally snoring loudly by eleven o’clock. This made it a simple enough operation to get out of the room without being heard and creep downstairs to the kitchen. So, that decision made, Dot gathered up a few things she thought might come in handy and put them into her rucksack. A torch, a pillow and a few things to do in case she got bored, as you might well become sitting in a cupboard.

She got dressed, but put her red dressing gown back on over her clothes. In the event of being caught by someone, it would be easier to explain if they thought she was sleepwalking or up for a drink. However, they may possibly ask why she was wearing Converse trainers to fetch a glass of water. She plucked Dawkins out of his cage and popped him into her pocket. He yawned and curled himself into a ball to continue his nap. Dawkins was prone to long bouts of sleeping and often slept through their most interesting conversations.

The house had fallen silent and Dot was preparing to slink downstairs when she heard a noise. Not in the house. This was from outside, and sounded close by. It sounded like someone had jumped into the garden – that loud, deep thud of feet landing on grass. She peeked through the curtains in her room and squinted into the darkness. She could see nothing in the garden but had the distinct feeling that something was there.

Creeping downstairs was not quite as easy as she had thought. The house was deathly quiet and every noise she made seemed deafeningly loud in comparison. Every footfall made enough noise to make her wince and expect sleepy, yet irate, parents to make an unwanted appearance. Her fears were unfounded, however, and she made it to the kitchen. Dot opened the door to the coat cupboard and at once noticed the faint but still nose-wrinkling whiff from earlier. The cupboard didn’t usually have the best of smells, but Dot thought this was certainly fishy (the situation, not the smell). Of course, she had no idea if anything was going to happen tonight or any other time. But she figured that whatever had been happening, it had stopped because she’d made a noise. This time, she would try to be as silent as possible.

She turned off the kitchen light, got her torch out of her bag, climbed into the cupboard and made herself as comfortable as it was possible to be on a pile of random belongings. With her hand in her dressing gown pocket, she cradled Dawkins and turned off the torch. By this time she was feeling tired, but absolutely refused to fall asleep and miss any further developments. Falling asleep would ruin the plan, so she made up her mind that she would not fall asleep.

Dot then fell asleep.

She had no idea what time it was when she woke but she knew it wasn’t morning as she was still in total blackness. The sort of blackness where you question if your eyelids are just being lazy. Dot blinked twice to rule out this theory and tried to gather her bearings. First, she remembered that she was in the coat cupboard, and then she remembered why she was there. At that moment, she realised what had woken her up. The hum from earlier that evening had returned along with the vibration. She put her hand over her mouth to prevent any unwanted squeaks. As before, the deep hum and vibration reached a peak, stopped momentarily, and was replaced by a blinding blue light and a chattering, clicking sound. Everything in the cupboard was shoved doorwards a few feet but, this time, Dot had placed herself in the corner. Instead of being pushed up with the coats she was now covered in them. She gingerly cleared the coats away and peered cautiously through the gap. It took a few seconds to register in her rather confused brain what was standing just an arm’s length away in her cupboard, in her house, in a relatively uneventful area of a somewhat boring town.

It was a large beetle! You might question why this was particularly scary, but put yourself in Dot’s position. It’s the middle of the night. You’re in a cupboard, all on your own (apart from a sleeping rodent in your pocket) and you’re in your dressing gown, armed with a torch. Also, it is worth explaining that by a large beetle what is meant is not one of those beetles you occasionally see in your house, the size of a child’s thumb and desperately seeking a place to scuttle underneath. What is meant, however, is a LARGE beetle! A beetle not the same size as a child’s thumb, more the size of a child. An iridescent black-hued insect with spiky protuberances coming out of its head, shiny black feelers fidgeting and standing on its back legs. Back legs which seemed to be sporting a pair of black waders like the kind her dad wore for fishing. As if this wasn’t a bizarre enough sight to see while peering through coats, Dot could also see that the beetle was carrying what looked worryingly like a gun, and had something wrapped around its neck. It also seemed to have a something over its shoulder that Dot could only compare to a school satchel. All this she could see from her hiding place by the fading blue glow that still shone behind the six-legged figure.

Her attention moved briefly from the peculiar character to the view behind it. She could see what may have been a winding tunnel leading out of the coat cupboard where the wall should have been. Looking back at the intruder she also realised that the clicking and chattering was, in fact, the beetle itself talking. Then, without warning, everything went completely dark. Dot’s nerve was at its end by this point. It was all very well staking out the cupboard but another thing entirely when a large beetle appears in the cupboard talking to itself. Then yet another thing when you realise you’re in total darkness with that beetle. Dot decided that the cupboard was no longer the place for her.

Everything seemed to happen all at once from this point. The cupboard door burst open and Dot flopped out onto the floor along with numerous anoraks, duffle coats and waterproofs. The beetle scuttled forward into the dark kitchen and chattered at Dot brandishing the ‘gun’ and waving its other three upper limbs at