Collected Third Millennia Piffle

By Craig Cavanagh

A collection of short stories from the post Costa del Trolls period. Mainly competition entries but also some newer and longer works being aired here for the first time. The book is available in digital format from Amazon, iTunes and Smashwords, with it costing the princely sum of nothing on the last two and the minimum on Amazon. The idea is to drum interest and send bits and bobs to publishers. With this in mind and given the free pricing policy, if you do enjoy any of its fare to please leave a rating or review on whichever site you obtained it from to help those poor directors and producers in Hollywood decide which one to choose first to make into a movie. A PDF version will also be available for download on my website. I expect the final edit to be available on all online platforms in the next week. Should you have had the time to read any of the stories and would like to leave a review, irrespective of whether you loved it or found it insufferable, please do so here: https://www.facebook.com/pg/C3RDMPFL/reviews/?ref=page_internal so that I can take on board comments to improve future writings and versions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Craig Cavanagh
• Release date: Nov 8, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370318100

Craig Cavanagh

Seville based translator and on-off roving football reporter who dabbles occasionally with the pen. Other works include a novel entitled Costa del Trolls, the story of a group of good-hearted yet ultimately flawed thieves who up sticks and join an international crime organisation in Marbella. 11 Noches, a novel written in Spanish, with the assistance of his wife who acted as editor, the story of an everyday yet uninspiring town that receives no sunlight for 11 nights and the townspeople's endeavours to restore the light. All presently available at good on-line retailers.HIs most recent work is a collection of short stories entitled Collected Third Millennia Piffle which is slowly garnering interest amongst its (hopefully) growing readership.Please leave feedback on anything you have read, whether it was to your liking or not, on this page or on the official Facebook page.https://www.facebook.com/pg/C3RDMPFL/reviews/?ref=page_internal

Book preview

Collected Third Millennia Piffle

Craig Cavanagh

Piffle

Item Title

1. Blood Alignment Negativity Theory Z

2. Engineering Success

3. Appman - Radio Edit

4. Jambaluntaya

5. Incident 326B

6. Board of Film Censors’ Certificate 326B

7. BASE 326B – Northern Moon Section 3192 AD

8. Face Crime

9. Invention 326B

10. Thief a catch to

11. That’s Amore

12. Life After Ward 326B

13. Soccersperience ©

14. Choosing My Religion

15. Girls on Film

16. Macca’s Financing

17. Lot 326B

18. Mouia L’Italia

19. Polar Research Station 326B

20. Security Door 326B

21. Lawastern / Girado

22. Appman - Extended Version

23. The Spugal Nut

24. Single Story Trilogy

25. Small Business Plan 326B

26. Player Registration 326B

27. Love in Another Elevator

Acknowledgements

Collected Third Millennia Piffle – Soundtrack

Track to be listened to in order with the stories.

Opening Credits

O Mio Babbino Caro

1. Blood Alignment Negativity Theory Z

Killing Joke – A Love Like Blood

2. Engineering Success

Motorcrash – The Sugarcubes

3. Appman (Radio Edit)

This Time Tomorrow – The Kinks

4. Jamaluntaya

Tempter – Stereolab

5. Incident 326B

Chestnut Mare – The Byrds

6. Board of Film Censors’ Certificate 326B

A Strange Day – The Cure

7. Northern Moon Section 3192 AD

Bat Macumba – Os Mutantes

8. Face Crime

Falling From Grace – The Gentle Waves

9. Invention 326B

All the Umbrellas In London – The Magnetic Fields

Tired of Sex – Weezer

10. Thief A Catch To

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight – The Postal Service

11. That’s Amore

Been There All the Time – Dinosaur Jr

12. Life After Ward 326 B

"One for My Baby (and one more for the road) – Frank Sinatra

No Promise Have I Made – Hüsker Dú

13. Soccersperience 

I’m Set Free – The Velvet Underground

14. Choosing My Religion

Dear God – XTC

15. Girls on Film

I’m Not Always So Stupid – The Wedding Present

Dress Up In You – Belle and Sebastian

16. Macca’s Financing

Money – Pink Floyd

17. Lot 326B

Up the Down Escalator – The Chameleons

Young Pilgrims – The Shins

18. Mouia L’Italia

Sleep Well Tonight – The Inspiral Carpets

19. Polar Research Station 326B

Another Night In – Strangelove

20. Security Door 326 B

Waiting for the Great Leap Forwards – Billy Bragg

21. Lawastern / Girado

Stanley Kubrick – Mogwai

Waiting For Kirsten – Jens Lekman

22. Appman (Extended Version)

The Mistakes of My Youth – Eels

23. The Spugal Nut

Work It Out – The Twerps

24. Single Story Trilogy

ENGLISH: This World Needs A Father – Suede

SPANISH: Pesadilla en el Parque de Atracciones – Los Planetas

FRENCH: La Chanson de Jackie – Jacques Brel

25. Small Business Plan 326B

Hallogallo – NEU!

26. Player Registration 326B (Fame)

Be Young, Be Foolish, Be Happy – Booker T and the MGs

27. Love in Another Elevator

Ocean Rain – Echo and the Bunnymen

Closing Credits

"Samskeyti (Untitled #3) – Sigur Ros

Copyright

First published in 2017

All rights reserved

© Craig Cavanagh, 2017

About the Author

Craig Cavanagh is a Seville based translator and on-off roving football reporter who dabbles occasionally with the pen. Other works include a novel entitled Costa del Trolls, the story of a group of good-hearted yet ultimately flawed thieves who up sticks and join an international crime organisation in Marbella. 11 Noches, a novel written in Spanish, with the assistance of his wife who acted as editor, the story of an everyday yet uninspiring town that receives no sunlight for 11 nights and the townspeople's endeavours to restore the light. All presently available at good on-line retailers.

1. Blood Alignment Negativity Theory Z

Research into Blood Alignment Negativity Theory became popular in the late 1980s though remained a secretive and lucrative side line of the major scientific companies. It was one of a series of research lines that gained in prominence as politicians turned to science to come up with a solution to, or at least an explanation for, the reasons for the failure of Western economies and the unacceptable levels of persons deemed below the quality threshold desired for the proper upkeep of society.

Science as a diagnostic tool was considered vastly superior to the extolment of extremist views against one section of society to demonstrate their culpability for the planet’s woes. Those entrusted with the role of reaching this conclusion were not likely to take into account variables such as the fabled 1% of the population in whose hands most of the planet’s wealth was held or other factors that would lead to a significant change in the former’s set-up, which was thought to be perfectly effective yet ruined by a combination of over-population and ill-constructed DNA profiles.

The suggestion was made in a 1992 conference in The Hague that there was indeed a surplus, of around 10% of the world’s population, but also that said surplus had a negative effect of holding back the two main groups identified for success; potential performers and intentional conformers. This meant a human imbalance of around one quarter. Thus the elimination of this group would lead to a more than proportional increase in terms of yield and profit for the planet as a whole.

Research into a means of profiling these individuals to devise a plan for their control continued throughout the nineties and into this century. Elimination was not a watchword that those in command positions allowed to be uttered but it was clear that any surplus would require a cull, however abhorrent this may appear on the surface. Once the culprits were identified, public opinion would be moved in such a way to defend what was seen as rightfully owned by the other 75 to 85%, allowing for a modicum of fervour and underlying hatred to set the wheels of change in motion.

In the meantime, the media tried its hardest to decry other groups as the perpetrators of the world’s ills. None were convincingly proven as being anywhere scientifically liable for anything on a grand scale, but there was growing evidence that the surplus population was not only having a negative effect on business and economic growth, but also causing a latent decline in the output of otherwise hardworking people, who, under the auspices of the decent and productive top 75%, would be able to pull themselves from the mire.

The government had special interest in isolating any sort of gene or mutation that would allow for a programme involving the sterilisation, and / or, extermination of this dangerous group, yet they knew that they could not act without scientific proof. With the millennium drawing to a close, pressure was exerted on all those involved in the secret research to give the Prime Minister the boost he needed to enter the twenty-first century with renewed optimism.

The first breakthrough was to isolate a DNA trait that was directly linked to laziness. At first, through the studies into this scientific field, progress was slow as scientists were determined that the problem could be solved through the analysis of our genetic make-up, overlooking one major aspect that was common to nearly ten percent of the world’s population. The idea that it was something gene-based rather than race-based was both a revelation and a relief. The idea of taking on an ethnic group would pose endless issues, especially with the burgeoning emergence of social media in the second part of the first decade.

DNA strand 326B was found to be present and could be linked to low performance in persons from all walks of life, yet its detection was slow and cumbersome. Plus, it was not conclusive as there were also carriers of the strand who had outperformed other non-strand carriers in a range of indicators. Further to this was the fact that variations of the strand could be confused as pure strand and lead to the exclusion of nearly 30% of the population. Thus, it was deemed, that one could be lazy and productive, or one’s laziness might not necessarily hinder their ability to be productive at another time. No, the isolation process needed to determine exactly which person carried the strain of 326B that caused all of society’s problems.

Visionaries often appear at the most unlikely times and it was a team of researchers in a lab off the West Coast of Scotland who began to abandon the idea of the DNA route and work on the isolation of blood itself. The idea that a certain race had a greater propensity to failure held no truck with any viable government plan to create a level of stability for the planet as a whole. Governments worked together, all colours and creeds accepting the idea that a surplus in this issue was a bad thing, and, as the scientists were beginning to prove, every nation had its own group of culpable surplus, this meant that there could be no calls for victimisation of any group. If it was just a clean cull of between 10 and 15% from all walks of life and colours, then the common good would triumph. Dissenting voices would be quashed or simply silenced as the excess could be enjoyed, a song and a dance and a bit of a fuss might occur at the beginning, but after that, people’s natural greed and maleficence would restore things to a more natural order.

And so, the lab began to work in different areas, namely the new field of Blood Alignment Negativity Theory, which worked simply along the lines of rather than focusing on the DNA strand, they aimed to prove that entire sets of people with a certain blood group embodied the entirety of the problems faced by the world. Some of these blood group carriers had managed to pull the wool over the rest of the planet’s eyes by accessing positions of responsibility and renown, but this was not the norm and their performance ratings were still vastly below that of people from other blood groups.

As 2020 drew closer, the US government demanded a conclusive answer as the fabled recovery after the most recent depression failed to be the boom period that had been forecast. Thus, in a ground-breaking paper published in May 2019, scientists from the lab proved beyond any doubt that the defective blood group was indeed B Negative and that all the carriers of this blood type were an unnecessary burden on society.

How this was proven was conveniently kept secret from the rest of society, and, for the good fortune of the writer, from all sources on the Internet. Suffice to say that all relevant boffins and political experts considered the theory to be sound and accurate. Whilst the details of the theory were kept away from eyes that may pry and prod and pick holes in its veracity, its idea was slowly allowed to filter outwards. A tried and trusted method.

A clumsily leaked email made its way to a sensationalist tabloid which, seizing the chance to stir up public agitation and claim the scalp of the previously designated politician and scientist scapegoat, hastily published a story claiming that a subversive group aimed to prove that all carriers of the blood group B Negative, immediately stylised to bNegs, were the source of all the world’s woes. Inevitably, the theory was decried as nonsense, the scapegoats roundly chastised on social media and TV, enjoying a week as the world’s most hated people and then swiftly forgotten upon the breaking of the next story.

But the seed was planted, people began to ask whether there could be anything in it. People began to seek out bNegs and analyse their performance at work, their effect on others. If anything, the initial furore around them led to an increase in their working yield, as if they felt under the spotlight at all times to outwork any of their non bNeg colleagues. The phenomena began to take hold, slowly at first, then gathering momentum, to the governments’ delight, as the inevitable hashtag of #shameabNeg took hold of Twitter. bNegs were exposed on social media, often with side-by-side videos of them pretending to be hard at it juxtaposed with another showing their true colours.

No movement is complete without the willing force of the uneducated hatred of the mindless masses. Non bNegs who were unemployed began to feel aggrieved that their post had been taken by workshy bNegs. Employers sensed a certain amount of exertion on them not to hire or promote bNegs, or even to remove them from their workforces. All of this gathered pace without any of the concerned governments having to spend a single centime, cent or penny on further research, the hatred bubble was mushrooming of its own volition, the more people seen as reasonable and learned tried to denounce the plausibility, simple social media opportunities presented themselves to further the idea that there really was something to it.

Libertarians and voices of reason were the easiest targets to remove. Why would people who had chosen to believe that life’s lottery was preventing their advancement due to the continued support of a worthless group listen to reason suddenly? The proof was there, there was a paper, no-one had seen it but it was known, it contained the facts. The easiest tap ins were when the experts actually carried B Negative blood, so much so that often any voice considered of any worth beforehand refused to opine on matters concerning BANTZ, as this was now stylised, bearing in mind that the supporters of the movement would be less likely to follow something that used up most of their Twitter character allocation on spelling the name. The Z had no place in the theory, but the marketing company believed that it would appeal to the younger non bNegs.

With sufficient support from the grassroots sections of society, the moment arose to begin taking steps to remove bNegs from prominent positions. A bill was proposed whereby any organisation with bNeg senior executives would have to justify their choice of employment against a criteria checklist (practically impossible for the bNegs to come out on top) and should said bNegs fail to meet these criteria, they were to be immediately replaced by non bNegs.

A similar situation was devised for bNegs running SMEs. To be able to continue with their business, they would have to pay a standard PAYE rate of 50% and increase takings with profit sharing for non bNegs. The thinking here was to price them out of the market and thus force them to abandon their professional endeavours. There was another option on the table, the bNegs’ companies could be transferred to non bNegs so that the latter could run them and keep on the original bNegs as employees, though a law passed the week after limiting bNegs earnings to 600 GBP per month (taxable at 49% too).

bNegs from all spheres were forced onto the streets. Plans were made to counter any rise in crime as a result of these undesirables by imposing harsher sentences on bNegs for any type of misdemeanour. To finance this increase in potential prison population, bNegs had their assets stripped and could have no more in savings that 1000 GBP or the equivalent amount in the local currency of the applicable nation. It turned out that bNegs had more disposable income than was expected for such a lazy group and this windfall allowed for further expansions of the plan.

Whilst certain sectors of society felt bemusement and even bewilderment at the measures arbitrarily taken against people simply for their blood group, governments chose to ignore these, as public opinion shifted in their favour like never before. Whenever questions were raised they were roundly discarded by the findings of a throw-away boffin who came up with fancy looking PowerPoint presentations that were the scientific equivalent of photoshopping a supermodel’s body onto a wallflower’s head and expecting people to fall for it. Of course, they did, they lapped up everything that was thrown at them, the more ludicrous the better, the more obvious the lies, the more they learned them word for word and repeated them with glee among their friends colleagues and on social media.

Increases in GDP due to heavy taxation and appropriation of bNegs’ goods meant that the UK government could afford a 3% income tax decrease and pay all non bNeg workers a Robin Hood windfall bonus of 1000 GBP, with unemployed bNegs forced to fill their posts for free, should the non bNegs decide to take a holiday with the money.

The next thing to plan for was the bNegs’ uprising. They would surely not take this lying down forever, and any excuse to tighten security against them would provoke little opposition and would indeed prove doubters wrong. Sporadic groups of non bNegs had already begun to form vigilante squads to ensure order in the bNeg ghettos that were appearing on the outskirts of major cities. bNegs were no longer allowed to live in an area within five miles of the city centre, and then only in government approved zones with a limited yardage and value.

Pockets of bNegs resistance tried to demonstrate, but they knew their hands were tied, if they tried anything, reprisals on groups of bNegs could be disastrous, if they tried nothing, their remaining (few) civil liberties would be completely removed. This logical outlook could not be sustained for a group comprising nearly a tenth of the population. And so, inevitably, a group of bNegs entered a government research centre and set fire to the place, killing three non bNegs. Revenge was imminent.

The night after the fire, hundreds of bNegs were attacked randomly as comeuppance for the actions of the twisted firestarters. Many of their residencies were looted and burned, with the government passing an emergency measure that no bNeg could be on the street without registered accommodation, anyone failing to comply with this measure could be immediately imprisoned until they had earned enough to make a deposit on a new property, depending on the waiting list, which was now much longer due to the events of the night known as the Night of the Long Platelets.

The incident left more than a thousand bNegs dead and many more wounded. As bNegs they were not eligible to use the National Health System and so would have to pay for medical treatment (which they obviously couldn’t do) or take their chances at the bNegs Health Centres (woefully underfunded and staffed by unqualified psychopaths). Within a week of the event, statistics claimed seven thousand bNegs had been removed as a burden on society. With disease and poverty rife amongst them, the stage was set to up operations.

Killing four thousand over a couple of weeks would not be a feasible means of removing such a large section of society. We have obviously moved on from the dark ages of transporting them to camps and putting them in ovens. The future was soon assured by passing a law which meant that all bNegs males had to be sterilised. Nobody checked whether bNegs would always have bNeg offspring, but the measure was deemed appropriate and subsequently adapted for bNeg females.

In theory then, no more bNegs would be born, but there were still around 600 million on the planet. Waiting for them to starve to death would take an eternity, so the onus was left on the country with most bNegs in the world, Australia, to find a solution. The solution was simple, a kind of home share plan. All the world’s bNegs would occupy Australia until they died. The non bNeg residents of Australia would be given accommodation in the country of their choice until the problem had been resolved, though the thought of an island with 600 million cadavers on it made return less appealing. All Australian citizens accepting the plan were given half a million dollars. Those rejecting it, would be left in Australia. All bNegs’ possessions and worldly goods were to be divided between the relocated non bNegs to compensate them for the upheaval that this would