Fistful of Shorts

By Glen Batchelor

A collection of mostly humorous short stories, from touchy tapeworms to snotty snails.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Glen Batchelor
• Release date: Oct 8, 2017
• ISBN: 9781386546467

Glen Batchelor

Hello, I'm Glen and I write stuff. Some good stuff, some bad stuff and some undecided stuff. I'm British and write very British stuff. Horror and Humour are my preferred genres but to be more specific I'd say cross-genre because I don't like to separate one from the other. Although I was born on Gibraltar in 1962 I didn't start writing until my late twenties, and that wasn't for very long. Because of a lack of confidence, Internet and word processor - they didn't exist then - and an allergy to Tipex (do they still sell that?) I gave up writng. But fortunately for you, ten years later, I found a word processor in a charity shop, joined a writing course, and my novelist years lay ahead. The course didn't go well, the tutor was awful. So was the processor. I ditched the tutor and processor but not before entering a writing competition. I was at my lowest ebb (writing) but then an envelope dropped through my post box. No, I hadn't won, but I did come joint 4th, and won £5! It wasn't crisp, it wasn't new, but it was a fiver. After that I continued to enter comps, even won a few. So I started writng novels. Two published so far: Awake King Arthur and Cheating Karma; soon to be followed by Zeezee, a Neanderthal Cop, which is at the beta stage currently. All three novels a 'off the wall', Clive Barker meets Jasper Fforde. Not to everyone's taste but hey, you write what you know, and I know a lot of shit.  

Book preview

A Fistful of Shorts

Tape to Tape (a tale of sibling rivalry)

CEDRIC AND RODERICK were tapeworms who lived side by side in the stomach of Esther, the cow. They didn’t know they lived in the stomach of a cow but they were happy, warm and there was always plenty to eat. But sometimes it did get a bit tedious with only each other's company and they often got on top of each other.

Rick? Cedric asked of his brother one morning as he tried to get comfortable in the constricted area; he didn’t realise Esther was having stomach cramps at the time thus further restricting the already narrow space.

I said, Rick?

I’m sorry, are you talking to me, Ric?

I don’t see anyone else here, do you?

Well, if you insist on calling me Rick all the time instead of my given name of Roderick I'll assume you’re talking to somebody else.

What do you mean ‘given name?’ I’m the only one here to give you a name and I’m giving you the name ‘Rick’. Now shut up and move over, you fat bastard.

You wouldn’t dare call me a bastard if Mum was here, she’d tear you off a strip for that.

Mum this, Mum that. Well Mum isn’t here, is she? She shot off as soon a she saw us, left us to fend for ourselves. And get this ‘Roderick’ she won’t be coming back.

Stop it, stop it, stop it! You can’t know that. You’re full of shit, and anyway you should treat me with more respect. I am the eldest and Mum left me in charge.

"Biiig deal. What you gonna do? You can spank me arse if you can find it, it’s up that way about two metres. You may be the eldest Rick, but I’m the longest tape in this dirty old town so get used to it."

Esther’s stomach gave an extra cramp just then, forcing the two brothers closer together.

Hey, Ric, get back. You’re invading my space and you’re breath reeks something foul. What you been eating?

"Same shit as you, how can you say my breath stinks? Your personality stinks most around here."

Now you’re getting personal.

You said my breath smells! How more personal can you get than that?

You can’t get more personal than personality, Ric. I’m hurt.

C’mon Rick, don’t be a wimp. I really didn’t mean it to be that personal.

No, no. That’s it. I’ve had it with you. It’s time we separated.

Aw, come on. Tell you what; you can have my share of sweet corn if you like.

No, no. I think it time to make the break. It’s a big world out there and I want to see some of it. Maybe find Mum. Perhaps I’ll bring her back to see you.

You don’t know what’s out there. You may never be able to come back, that could be why Mum never did.

It’s too late now, you know that once the mind is made up there’s no way of stopping a movement. Hang on if you don’t want to come with me!

At that a tremor ran through Esther’s intestines causing her to evacuate her bowels, sending Roderick plummeting into the unknown. Cedric managed to cling to the wall of the intestine but even then a part of him broke off, following his brother into a strange new Otherworld.

Rick was quite content in his cowpat, a space of his own at last, he thought. But that luxury didn’t last; he bumped into Ric’s broken off bit.

Who are you? Don’t I know you from somewhere?

I haven’t got a name yet but I think I’m your half-brother.

Ric? It can’t be. It is! I’ll call you Arthur then, Arthur my ‘alf a brother. It was silly us both being called Rick anyway. Don’t know what Mum was thinking of.

Arthur it is then. Nice place you got here, nice and airy.

Yes, that’s what worries me. I’m afraid the air will dry the pat out, then we’ll be right in the shit.

Arthur, only just born into this world was already beset with worry, Well, what are we going to do?

Shh! I’m trying to think.

That was when they both heard a new voice coming from somewhere near the edge of the cowpat.

Hello! Is someone in here? I can hear voices. You don’t mind if I join you, do you?

Rick turned to Arthur, That’s all we need, another mouth to feed.

Yes, but where did it come from. Whoever it is might know a way out of here. Three heads working on the problem has got to be better than two, innit?

I do believe you’re right, Arty. You’re a lot smarter than your other half.

Rick squirmed about in the pat to face in the direction of the new voice and called back, Hello, we’re over this way, come on over.

Once the new tape had joined them Rick recognised it straight off as his estranged mother.

Mum! At last we’ve found you. Where have you been all this time? Me and Cedric missed you so much.

You! I thought I’d seen the last of you when I left that cow. And who is this? she asked of Arthur.

I’m Cedric’s other half, Roderick’s half-brother, Arthur.

"You two have got a lot to learn, silly boys. Cedric and Roderick weren’t brothers. You were the same worm which split into segments. And I’m not your Mum; strictly speaking, you are all segments of me. But I grew from the original cyst the cow ate," she boasted.

Well Mum, what are we to do? How do we get out of here?

You don’t. We just have to wait until a mite comes along to infect. It’s the only way to continue the family line.

Is that it? asked Arthur. We just lie here in this cooling turd until a fly turns up. Wow, I never knew life could be so easy.

Rick turned to him in disgust, Oh, yeah? And when the turd cools down and dries up, there will be no flies. That’s not the life for me. I'm gonna make it on the outside, or I’ll die trying. I’m going to be an ex-pat!

And with that Rick left and broke out into the unknown, where no tapeworm had ever undulated. What ever happened to him we do not know as yet. But at least he could expire in the knowledge that there were no flies on him!

Tape to Tape was published in the inaugural edition of Laughout and voted best story earning me £25- nice.

LifeSaver

SHOULD’VE WORN BLACK, should’ve worn black, should’ve worn black, Roland mithered. He didn’t notice Miss Kingfisher, the assistant librarian, eyeing him suspiciously as she adjusted her hearing aid whilst he admonished himself amongst the Crime section.

Roland had a phobia. Bullied at school because of his overactive sweat glands, unable to make friends because nobody would let him get close; renamed Roland Roll-on: ‘Get some roll-on Roland,’ was a most popular jibe from his fellow pupils.

He opened his leather jacket and flapped its lapels in an attempt to waft some of the library’s air-conditioning about his armpits. It had been cold and wet when he’d left the house this morning to catch the bus into town for a game of snooker, so he’d risked wearing his red T-shirt. He knew he could get away with it only if he had his aerosol of LifeSaver de-odorant in his jacket pocket. But after he’d left the dark, air-conditioned snooker hall, and emerged into the bright mid-afternoon sunlight he realised what a bad mistake he’d made. Immediately bubbles of moisture broke out on his forehead and he could feel the coldness of the sweat as it bloomed out from his armpits. That’s why he had to stop off at the library to take advantage of its air-conditioning. If only he had worn black, then he