Angels of Mercy - Diary of a Quarterback Part II

By SA Collins, Collins and SA

In Diary of a Quarterback – Part Two: Prince of Mistakes, Marco has decided to put all of the jock laden toys away. He knows what he wants: Elliot Donahey and nothing – not his family, not his friends or the townspeople of Mercy – will get in his way. But others are watching and taking notice and not liking what they see. Darkness begins to circle the boys as they find their way to each other.
 
Will Marco find happiness in the arms of Elliot? Or will those around them who seek to tear them apart stop Marco from finding true love? Set against the rugged coastline located just outside of Big Sur, these boys and their friends lead surprisingly dramatic lives. Mercy is a town full of secrets. Some of them have the ability to destroy lives. Will Marco and Elliot have the strength to find a way to happiness and true love? Or will a meddlesome cheerleader and Marco’s teammate, Beau, find a way to tear them apart?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Akwekon Media
• Release date: Nov 14, 2017
• ISBN: 9788827517680

Book preview

Errata

Italian translations provided by: Marco Guzmán, J. Scott Coatsworth, Fabrizio Montanari, and Marco Munda

Their assistance with the tone and Italian vernacular of the Sforzas in my works is immeasurable and I am humbled by their generosity.

DISCLAIMER

Angels of Mercy and its derivatives are a work of fiction. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Angels of Mercy - Diary of a Quarterback

Date of Original Publication: 03 March 2017

© 2017 SA Collins and Akwekon Media -

sacollins.com / akwekon.com

Graphic Cover Design Composition/Typography - SA Collins and Akwekon Media

Graphic Elements (in part):

IStockPhoto.com - 13B Design - www.13bdesign.com

Evinstar - Andelevin

Angels of Mercy - The Complete Works

Angels of Mercy - Volume One: Elliot

(His Summer of Love)

Spring 2015

Angels of Mercy – Volume Two: Marco*

(The Fall of the Sforzas)

Autumn 2015

Angels of Mercy – Volume Three: Pietro

(The Sins of the Solstice)

Winter 2017

Marco Sforza’s Series [Prequel Boxed Set] -

Angels of Mercy – Diary of a Quarterback I: King of Imperfections

Spring 2017

Angels of Mercy – Diary of a Quarterback II: Prince of Mistakes

Spring 2017

Elliot Donahey’s Companion Novel -

Angels of Mercy – Phoenix In The Fire

(* Companion to Angels of Mercy – Volume 2: Marco)

Early Spring 2016

As Above, So Below…

I have more respect for a man who lets me know where he stands, even if he’s wrong. Than the one who comes up like an angel and is nothing but the devil.

- Malcolm X

The wings of Angels are often found on the backs of the least likely people.

- Eric Honeycutt

A pillow for thee will I bring, Stuffed with the down of angel’s wing.

- Richard Crenshaw

I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.

- Mae West

Dedication

For the sixteen year old confused boy – unsure of why he’s feeling the way he’s feeling about other

boys and not finding any books that speak to your world as you know it –

this novel is, hopefully, for you.

The Prince of Mistakes

- Marco -

CHAPTER ONE

Winter Ain't The Only Cold Bitch In This House...

"Wait … WHAT?" I bellowed into the phone, making them all jump in shock at my outburst.

Okay, I guess I better back up and get you in the groove so you know what the fuck is going on, ‘cause it’s sort of epic.

If you’ll recall, some major shit went down over the past twenty-four hours of my life. I ended a very amazing relationship with a girl I could’ve married. In the end we both acknowledged that while I loved her, I wasn’t in love with her. A very distinct point that would only lead to bitterness and ruin for both of us. Neither of us wanted that. We cared for each other far too much.

So here we were, having quite the pleasant brunch the next morning. JD and Rain caught up with us again and Rain spent a good five minutes apologizing over and over again to where I thought I’d punch the bitch for the way she wouldn’t give it a fucking rest. Saying it repeatedly – that messed up apology – only served to bring that embarrassing moment last night at the restaurant before the concert back up again when all everyone wanted was to forget the damned thing ever happened.

I felt my fist clench and unclench – not good. And I wasn’t a violent guy, by nature. You really had to dig deep to get that sort of reaction out of me. Rain seemed to hit the mother lode of all mother lodes with her saccharine-laden apology. Thankfully, JD knew how to curb her sycophantic verbal vomit before I was pushed to something I’d regret. Holly seemed livid enough that she’d back any play I wanted to go with.

Holly and I broke the news to everyone the night before that we were no longer dating – that we remained just friends. That we had a long talk and it was for the best. JD looked rather suspicious and I was sure he’d be grilling her endlessly about it when they got back home. At least she could lord it over him that she had truly bedded me first. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when that little secret got out. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. Whatever went on from here wouldn’t ever be a part in my future.

So yeah, Rain and her fucked up way of apologizing.

I think my stare and the cold way I stood there, while we waited for our seats, listening to her drivel finally gave JD a fucking clue and he hauled her back a bit from the rest of us saying she got her point across just fine the first eight hundred times she said it before.

We were finally seated and everyone ordered their breakfast. We all had some tea or coffee on the patio deck of this swanky eatery and things finally seemed to be going well. The group accepted that Holly and I were officially over, though we were friendly about it. We made that abundantly clear. Though a level of suspicion held, JD seemed to light up a bit at that, even if he was sensitive of his sister to at least do his best to hide it when others observed the way he reacted to me now that I’d become a free man again.

We progressed about half-way through the meal when Sally stole across my mind and I realized I could call her now. I pulled out my phone and rang her up, only to have it go to voice mail yet again. Only this time it said I couldn’t leave a message because the recipient’s voice mail box was full.

So I stared at the phone, unsure of why I suddenly felt so uneasy all of a sudden.

I pulled up Eiko’s number and stared at it. I’d never called her before, not for anything. You just didn’t. I mean, I got to see a side of her that very few did. I knew I was in with her.

So, maybe?

This was an emergency of sorts. I mean, I really hadn’t had any contact with her before the championship game the Friday before the Thanksgiving holiday break. So maybe Eiko’d understand.

I rang her up, praying that I wouldn’t get an earful when she answered. I didn’t expect to hear what I did when she did pick up.

Hey Marco. It’d been clear Eiko had been crying or was in the middle of another round.

Hey, whassup? Are you okay? Where’s Sal? I can’t get ahold of her.

She’s gone.

What do you mean, she’s gone? Gone where? On vacation? Visiting relatives?

"No, Marco. They found us together and there was an epic fight between the two of us and her parents that moved on to include my parents. The end result is that I’m forbidden to see Sally and the next thing I knew she was whisked away to some Bible camp in Texas. She’s fucked, Marco! We both are."

"Wait … WHAT?"

Okay, now you’re all caught up.

You heard me, Marco. You’re not deaf.

Bible camp, like in conversion therapy, sort of camp? Is that what you’re saying?

"Pretty much. That’s why I came up to you that day in school and said you were taking me to the dance. I need to keep up appearances – my parents made it clear that I can be whoever I want to be, but not until I graduate from high school. After that, I can strike out on my own and do my own thing. But I needed to act more like an average high school student and date boys and all that shit. So yeah, I am turning to you right now. We don’t have to do anything like you and Sally did. Mostly because I scare the fuck out of everyone there that I think it would be too weird if I did that all of a sudden. No one would buy it, anyway. It’s not the me they think is me, if that makes any sense. Ah, fuck, Marco, things are just so fucked up right now, and I miss her so much. That’s the fucking crap thing about this whole fucking mess. We got big headed about it all and never thought for a moment her dad would have us tailed. But he did, and well, shit really hit the fan."

I just didn’t know where to go with that. And no one at the table who’d have a vested interest in my beard of a girlfriend being found out she was a dyke and then hauled off to be prayed over until the spawn of Satan or the ghost of Linda Blair or whatever the fuck religious fucktards go on about our kind, until they eradicated everything that makes us who we are.

Of course, none of this was lost on me that Eiko was in a completely different mindset than I’d ever heard her. I had a feeling that this was the real Eiko, the one with the bravada she carefully cultivated and layered to protect the same hurt teenage girl who watched her older brother slip away from her. Now I began to see just how much Sally meant to her. I know that should’ve been obvious but you’d have to see Eiko in action to get the full breadth of just how imposing she could be. When you were confronted with someone like her, you tended to not see beneath that carefully constructed veneer that she held in place – obliterating any chance of seeing the hurt girl buried beneath the visage of a strong woman.

Do, uh, we need to do something? To help her? I got resources I can call in, you know.

She pondered that for a bit. I turned to the rest of them at the table, their eyes all on me with a pointed curiosity of my sudden shift in mood.

Guys, uh, excuse me while I take this outside for second.

I got up before they could ask any questions and quickly made my way outside the restaurant.

I don’t think there is anything. I mean, I heard from her just before the Thanksgiving Day holiday. She got leave from the prayer camp to go to her grandparents’ house and there was about fifteen minutes where they weren’t around so she called me via Skype on their home computer. It was lucky that I’d been online for the call at the time. She’s hanging in there, she’s crafty, thank the stars above. She’s gonna need every ounce of that to get through this.

But you think she’ll be alright?

She sighed, heavily, too, I might add, which I totally got because if it had been me and Elliot, I’d be going out of my fucking mind if someone tried to take him away from me. I couldn’t even call him mine yet – yeah, not just yet – I had to keep that squarely in my sight because I had a remedy for that. I wasn’t about to let that one slip away from me no matter what would come my way now. I’d fucking wait a lifetime for him because I knew now, more than ever, that he was the one.

In a very weird way, that sexcapade with Holly last night only confirmed that for me. I knew it was convoluted but knowing that Holly would be there for me in a way that we could support each other, the sex only seemed to allow me to let that finally go. That became a good thing to know, but having walked that side of the fence now I found that, while it was immensely enjoyable, and I felt something for Holly that allowed me to connect with her in that way, it still couldn’t hold a candle to what I felt at just the thought of making love with Elliot would be like. I only hoped I could be an adequate lover for him. I’d dedicate my life to pleasing him.

Eiko’s voice brought me out of my darker contemplative thoughts.

I think she’ll get by. She knows the game really well. I guess you can’t survive in that conservative world without knowing how the enemy operates and all. Remember she went after you easy enough to convince everyone else that she was a bona fide straight girl. Only you, Kevin and I knew the difference.

Yeah, speaking of that, you think ol’ Kevin has figured it out about me?

"He may have wondered about it, seeing how he definitely knows about Sally’s truer nature. And believe me, he tried to get past her lesbo tendencies."

Tendencies? I thought …

Like me, Sally is a bit gender non-specific. That’s why we’re such a good fit. We’re definitely good together but we are open to a man, woman or anything in-between in the mix, too. Gender fluid, ya know? It just works for us. She just gets me and I get her. It’s easy when I’m with her, you know?

Yeah, I guess. So ol’ Sal will play their game and …

She hopes to be outta there by end of Winter break. We’ll see. I guess that it’s not too far off a possibility given how she’s convinced them all that her little tryst with me had been a fluke. Little do they know … She sighed again.

Okay. So how are you holding up?

I’ve been better, that’s for sure. I do love Sally, Marco. And I know she feels the same way. We’re good for each other. Being separated with little to no communication has been very hard. She snorted in that way that said something should be funny but held no humor to it at all.

You’d think my homework would’ve suffered for it. Damned Asian genetics, I think my homework is better now. That term paper in American Government is gonna be an A no problem. I’ve nailed that to the wall.

Yeah, I still need to finish mine. Just got caught up with the girlfriend and her brother too much this week.

"Really? Both of them, together? How the hell did you pull that one off?"

Huh? Oh, no … I laughed. "No, I mean, well, uh, yeah actually I did do both of them but not together. Fuck, even I am not that kinky, Eiko."

She laughed slightly at that. I’d probably given her the first real sort of laugh she’d had in a good long week.

Anyhow, not like it matters, JD – the brother – heads back to Amherst tomorrow and Holly and I are officially over.

" Over, over?"

Yup. I nailed her twice to the fucking wall, but yeah, it’s over. Probably the best breakup sex I’ll ever have but yeah, it’s done. We’re both good with it. Now I can focus solely on Elliot. I know that I’ll never stray if I can have him. He’s all that matters now. I’ll wait forever for him. And I realize how fucked up it all sounds but, I know what I have to do now. Playtime is over. Time to focus on what matters. And now that football is nearly out of the way, I can devote myself fully to bringing him to me. Which brings me to your little surprise before the holiday break.

Oh yeah, about that. Sorry, but I was in a very bad place that day. What went down with Sally only happened the night before. I was still sort of raw about it.

No, it’s cool. I just wish you’d’ve found me sooner and told me what was going on. The part about you asking wasn’t a bad thing, just the surprise in how you did it.

Yeah, it was a shitty thing to spring on you. I hope you can forgive me.

"No worries. And there’s nothing to forgive, Eiko. I mean that. I’d be honored to take you to the Winter Dance."

So we better talk about it at school on Monday so we know how to do the whole Elliot reveal that night. That’s still a go, right?

"Totally. By the end of that night I will have him in my arms and he will know exactly how I feel."

Saying goodbye to Holly and JD had been a really bittersweet thing. Holly even let JD and me have our own space after I let her finally slip away from me, my eyes misting over it as much as hers had. In a very real way I felt incredibly sad to see this go. I only hoped she meant what she said that after a time, she would definitely seek me out and we’d reconnect.

Maybe after I graduate? she offered.

I was down with whatever she wanted to do and told her so. She countered that I shouldn’t use some manly I’ll wait until she makes up her mind about it sort of thing, reminding me that I had just as much right to tell her enough time had passed. She wanted our relationship to continue, even if it wouldn’t be like it had been before. I kissed her chastely, relishing her body against mine one last time – if only for a while.

Then it became JD’s and my time. We found ourselves out in the tool shed once more, this time with no joints. He told me he wanted a clear head. He wanted to remember this. He asked me how things went between Holly and me and I told him he’d have to ask her because I didn’t want to put something out there that she wouldn’t be happy about. He tried to get me to loosen up on the subject but gave up quickly when he saw how resolved I been that I wouldn’t give up the ghost on how Holly and I parted ways.

So instead he just wrapped his big arms around me and we kissed for a very long while. I let him have what he wanted, without going so far as to actually have sex of any kind.

With the last few kisses from him, he panted softly and placed his forehead against mine, his big brown eyes cast to my chest, not finding the courage to look into mine.

I know you think I am some big-time player, that I just want you as another notch in my belt. But I swear it’s not like that, Marco. I really, really like you. Hell, I think I could love a guy like you. For life, you know?

JD … I don’t …

No, you don’t. I know. But I just want you to know, I’d put all of that big-time player talk away for you. I’ve never met anyone like you. I know why Holly fell all into you. I get it. Fuck me, I see it. You’re an amazing man, Marco. Gifted in so many ways.

Yeah, and hopefully that not just about the size of my bone?

Be serious for once with me, will ya? His eyes flashed as he looked for the first time directly into mine. I ain’t playing here. He slowly pulled away and sat down on an overturned five gallon bucket sitting on the floor.

It’s an act, Marco. All of it. I try to come off as confident, like I know what I’m doing. But I don’t. You meet a lot of people in the modeling biz. Everyone walks around with an air of confidence. You have to cultivate it. It’s expected. Doesn’t mean that it helps in getting to know someone though. Hell, I think sometimes it’s what drives guys away. Guys I’ve liked, too. Really liked, ya know?

I nodded, eyeing him from the safety of the counter he had recently had me pinned against. Now with him sitting a few feet away from me on that overturned bucket, I had a whole different perspective on him. He seemed small in a way. Not in stature, because he was a big guy like me, but small in that I could see, like Holly had professed to me, how hungry he was to have his love returned. A lost and lonely little boy tucked up in a man’s body.

Now, that part I got.

That part made JD infinitely sexier and more appealing. Not because I was into men who acted like children, but because his vulnerability was so pure. It wouldn’t ever equate to how I felt about Els, but I definitely saw what made JD shine. I came over to him and squatted in front of him, placing my hands on his thighs and looking into his eyes.

There’s that awesome JD. I wondered where he went to so he could hide from me. I mean, your family speaks so highly of you. I knew there had to be something about you that was truly amazing. And there he is. Jesus, JD. That’s what makes you attractive.

What? That I’m weak? That I’m desperate for love and attention? How pathetic I really am?

He ran his hand through his hair. I think in what little light there was in the shed, I even saw a tear fall from that admission.

No, not weak, JD. Never weak. Just that how you are right now, so open and vulnerable, makes you so much more approachable. You’re so busy being god-like that you forget you seek the love of mere mortal men. You gotta let them see how truly beautiful you are inside. This JD, the one I am seeing now?

He sniffled, Yeah? What about him?

Now, this guy, would’ve turned my head. I like confidence in a man, but a thread of vulnerability, revealed in just the right light, with the person you want to let in to see that compassion and vulnerability, Jesus, JD, that’s infinitely sexy. I placed my hands on either side of his face. He was a truly captivating man. I leaned in and gave him a very soft kiss.

"You’re gonna make some guy a very lucky man. Just make sure that they get to see this guy. You got the cocky thing down pat. But it needs balance. This guy, this really hot and slightly vulnerable guy? Yeah, that combo is fucking dynamite. Let more of him come through sometimes. I know it’s hard, the fear of being hurt can be debilitating sometimes. I know. But I think if you find the right man, the one who wants to see every part of you, then I think that you’d be a fool not to let him in. ‘Cause, Jesus, you’re fucking awesome to behold."

He sniffled again. Just not for you, huh? Story of my life.

"Only because I love someone else. He has my heart. That’s why Holly and I broke up. I finally told her. Our time here in the shed, yeah, that was just the wakeup call that I needed to sort it for me. So thanks for that. I can’t say I am happy about it all the way around though, because I’ll miss you all so damned much. I really love you guys. You’re like family to me, only … I know what I want. I know who I want. I won’t let that wait another day longer than I have to. I plan on telling him next Friday at the school dance."

Jesus, you’re gonna come out during the dance?

What? Oh, no. My date and I are going to work it out so I can be alone with him somewhere and I’m gonna come clean and tell him I’ve been in love with him for a while now.

How do you know he is?

"What? Gay? Everyone knows he is. He’s the only out gayboy in school. Kind of ironic that he’s snagged the top jock on campus right now when so many girls have tried desperately to bag me. Can’t say it won’t shock everyone when it all comes out. But I won’t hide what I feel for him. I’ll take it, whatever it is. As long as I get to have him, then it’s all good. It’ll all have been worth it."

He’s one lucky guy, then.

"No. He isn’t. I’m the lucky one, if he’ll have me."

Christ, he’d have to be fucking stupid not to. You’re prime stud material, Marco.

"And that could so hurt my chances. He hides from everyone. Moves from shadow to shadow. I’ve watched him for a year and a half now. He tries desperately not to be seen by anyone. I’m sure that’s how he’s survived high school. But when I’m with him, if he’ll call me his, then no one will harm what’s mine. And I won’t hide what I feel about him. I’ll want the whole fucking world to see it for what it is. Fuck me, I know he’ll be the boy I’ll marry. I know it as sure as I am here in this shed with you. I see kids, a house the whole damned thing. I’ll spend every damned day making sure he’s the happiest guy on the planet."

Okay, stop now. You’re only making me feel more inadequate that I didn’t measure up.

Well, not to rub salt into it, but you never stood a chance. Neither did Holly. She knows that now. No one does, really. He has me trapped and I never want to escape.

I sighed and it carried a fair amount of weight to it, full of fear and hope alike.

I don’t know what I’ll do if he won’t have me.

Sure you do. You’ll figure out a way to make him see what an amazing guy you are. C’mon Marco, he has to have some sense in him to know how good you’d be for him. I mean, aside from the looks and the rockin’ hard bod, you’re bright, you’re compassionate, you don’t have to worry about money. What’s not to love?

I chuckled, but found nothing funny in it.

Only any of it, or all of it. I hope not. But yeah, it so could totally be that way. You’d have to know Elliot. In his simple way he’s quite a complex man. I just hope that I hold the key to his heart. I have to, I just have to …

I let that linger between us. Then slapped his thigh, snapping us out of that darker moment, and stood up.

But I’ll miss all of you. And you most of all JD.

I held out a hand and he took it. I pulled him up with me.

Uh huh, sure you will.

No really.

He arched a brow. And why’s that?

Because you gave me a roadmap of sorts. You gave me a precious gift that I’ll always hold very close to my heart, that’s why.

And that is? If you don’t mind my asking …

I don’t. It’s just that being with you this past week has given me the desire to be myself. My true self. I admire that in you JD. Truly. You were the breath of fresh air I needed but didn’t want to admit it. I owe a big debt to you that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay. You showed me how I can be my own man – gay or otherwise. I couldn’t have found that within me without seeing it in you. So thank you for that.

Great, maybe that’s how I’ll make my living: inspiring other gay men on how to be and act. That’ll keep the bedroom door revolving.

Not if you act like that it won’t. I looked him in the eye so there was no mistaking how that talk from him wasn’t acceptable any more.

Okay, point taken. And thanks, Marco.

"Sure thing. I do fancy you JD. Just so you know. Just not enough. With the potential of Elliot in this world and in my arms, it would never be enough. But I want you to know I will always consider you my friend. I will always make time for you. And in my own way, I’ll miss you terribly. At the beginning of the week, I probably wouldn’t have been ready to say that. You sort of pissed me off."

He smiled warmly for the first time since we came into the shed. In the looming darkness of the late afternoon I could just make it out.

But I was glad you pushed me. You’re my first real gay friend, JD. I hope you’ll still want to be mine. Nothing could make me happier.

He thought about it for a while. He slowly pulled me to him and he hugged me in tight, placing his head on my shoulder and just stood there gently rocking me back and forth a bit.

I’ll always make time for you, too, Marco. I promise you that. He leaned back a bit to look at me fully.

I’d love it if we could become best friends, if not anything else.

You know, JD, I’d really love that.

Sunday had been a bit of a slog when I woke up, knowing that the Swifts were, if only for the time being, drifting away from me. But I put in a good morning of working out, worked a bit on homework, chatting with Petey over Skype for nearly two hours. I knew he wanted to make sure I was okay. I kept telling him I felt saddened to let Holly go, to let JD and the rest of the Swifts slip from my grasp, but it became necessary. Everything I needed to do became necessary when it came to him.

Even if ultimately Elliot remained nameless in their eyes and ears.

I had a late lunch and worked out some more – choosing a therapeutic run to clear away the broken relationship cobwebs, mentally going over what I would say to Elliot on our special night. It was time well spent, solidifying how I would do it and not seem like I ran rough shod over anything he might say to rebuff me. I tried to anticipate his pushing me away, thinking of how I’d respond without force, but purposefully state my case of why I was the guy for him.

In a way, it all seemed fruitless in doing all of this pre-planning. I mean, I knew I wouldn’t be the first guy to rehearse such things – diligently going over impassioned words of love, trying like hell to sort out how to make something so over-rehearsed sound so heartfelt and spur-of-the-moment.

It seemed to work for men like me, though. We needed a game plan. It’s just how guys worked. Well, I hoped that Elliot wouldn’t see through my carefully rehearsed attempt to woo him. But I had a plan for that, too. I would simply say I wasn’t about to leave such important words of love to chance – that he was far too important to me to ever leave anything to chance where he was concerned. Didn’t mean I wouldn’t surprise the pants off of him from time to time.

My crotch grew tighter just with the thought of me having him with his pants off. That scent of his on that pillow crossed my mind, as if I could smell him all over again – flushing my body with heat from head to toe. Yeah, he still held that ever-present firestorm in my life. I felt myself quake inside when I thought of how I moved one day closer to being with him. I felt perspiration form along my lip and under my pits just from thinking that everything that has led me to this point in my life would be worth it if he would believe my plea of love. I had to make him see it, to believe in it. I couldn’t spare a single thought that he would refuse me. That just wouldn’t be an option. Part of me panicked in that I would just pull him to me and kiss him with everything I had to shut him up and feel what I felt. That had to do it, right?

Oh yeah, because nothing would convince him more than a good accosting of his body as the best way to convince him of my sincerity. Jesus, I really did need to have my head examined if I ran to that sort of convincing tactic this late in the game.

My phone rang, making me jump about five feet in the air. I picked it up off my desk and saw that it was Greg.

Sup, bro …

"Okay, it’s on. Definitely on."

My heart began to rattle around in my chest.

"Really? You’re sure now?"

Totally. I got him pegged. He can’t back out now.

Okay, spill it – why?

Uh uh, not gonna. Just know I’ve got him right where we want him. He’s going.

Another flush of blood coursed through my system. I almost became lightheaded from how fast it moved through me. It was real. This was going to happen. No Holly, no Sally, sure there was Eiko, but she’d be in on it, too. Nothing standing between me and Elliot. Except, well, Elliot. It could still go horribly wrong there.

You there?

Yeah. Uh, damn. Give me a second.

I pulled the phone away from me and set it down on the desk for a moment, running my hands through my hair. It was getting very real now.

Hello? Marco? I could hear him echo from the speaker on the phone.

I pick it up and put it to my ear again.

Eh, sorry. I guess I am just worried about it now. It’s becoming real, and I thought I’d prepared myself for it. But shit, I’m actually sort of freaking out about it.

He snickered softly.

Dude, you don’t have to be. He’s hella into you. If anything he’s gonna freak because he’s getting what he dreams of most.

You ain’t bullshitting me are you?

"Fuck no. I know what this means to you. To the both of you, actually. Fuck, Marco, he needs you. He really fucking needs you. Do you get what I am saying? Not a gee, it’d sure be nice or golly, Marco sure is neat, I wonder if he’d bone me into next week. Okay, wait, I just threw up a little bit into my mouth just thinking of you two boning each other."

You’re such a liar. You’re totally gonna cream your jeans when he and I get together. You wanna know why?

"Oh yeah, I just gotta hear this … bring it fagboy."

‘Cause it gets you completely off the hook and you can pursue all the little geeky hotties to your heart’s content.

Yeah, yeah. I getcha. You both get to bone and I’m outta your hair. Okay, so maybe that will give me a bit more free time. Considering the two of you have been occupying it so much I just don’t know what I’ll do with myself.

I’m sure you’ll figure out something. Hey, here’s a news flash: remember Holly’s a free agent again.

Yeah, you’re gonna have to explain that to me one day. ‘Cause I love Elliot and all, you know I do. I’d do just about anything for the guy, but Jesus, bro, I just don’t know how you dumped a hella hottie like Holly for gayboy butt. Said it then, sayin’ it now.

Uh, you wanna check that sentence again? ‘Cause I think you had your answer in that question. Besides, who said I didn’t sample what she had on offer before we called it quits?

Wait, what? Clearly he wasn’t expecting that piece of information.

Yeah, there’s a whole lot more to that story. And that’s not meat of it, either. Bagged her gay older brother, too.

Fuck me!

"Eh, you’d have to take a number and get in line but, oh look, aw, Elliot seems to have all of them now. Sorry dude, you’re just too late to the fuck me party."

Wait, wait, wait. You did Holly AND her muthafuckin’ brother?

I laughed.

"You know, for some reason muthafuckin’ and the name JD seem to always go together whenever someone talks about him. You haven’t even met the guy but yeah you have no idea how this last week played out for me. Did her brother twice on Thanksgiving night after I dropped Holly off. We ended up smoking a few joints in his father’s shed and … well, I’ll spare you the hot goodness because it would be so wasted on you. The only problem? That little tryst got let out of the bag at a restaurant the next day with my brother and cousin there no less, just before we went to the Lambert concert; only I didn’t go because JD’s friend, some freakish hippy chick named Rain, if you can believe that, vomited that JD and I had sex right in front of everyone – Holly included. I’d never felt so fucked in my life. I ended up bailing on everyone. Holly followed me out to the car and we didn’t go to the concert and instead she and I had a very long talk and I told her about Elliot. Even showed her pictures of him. She said he was very beautiful and thought he’d be lucky to have me."

But you had sex with her, right?

" Out of respect, let’s just leave that off the table, shall we?"

" Fuck me! Which totally means you did. You’re just doing the good guy thing. But, Jesus, Marco. You break up with your girlfriend because you told her you were in love with a guy, and then you had what I can only imagine was muthafucking toe-curling sex – right ?"

Again, not sayin’… But what I will say is I finally have the answer I was looking for. And let’s just say that what you and every guy out there thinks is black and white when it comes to sex, isn’t necessarily a given. That’s all.

"You really are fucking blessed in life. Only you could tell a girl you’re gay for some guy and then bang her into next week, and I’m betting not just once either. Shit, you need to give lessons to straight dudes on how to score like that. I mean, I know how douchey it sounds, but do you have any idea how many straight dudes would fake being in love with some guy just to bone the girl within an inch of her life and then dump her and move onto the next?"

"Shit, when you say it like that, it makes it sound so fucked up. It wasn’t like that. She just told me that before all of that came out about Elliot, that she realized that I was the guy she would give up her virginity for. That I represented everything she looked for in a man. That’s a very powerful thing to handle when it’s given to you. I know many guys who’d jump at the chance to pop a girl’s cherry, but I am not the kind of guy to take that lightly."

It’s quite the theme for Kevin. He actually has a list he keeps on his phone of girls he’s popped. Sick fucker, he is. He’s lucky I still talk to him with the way he acts sometimes.

Yeah, well, from my perspective, I’m the guy that every guy who comes after will be measured against – for good or bad.

"Yeah and having donkey dick is gonna call so many of us guys up short. From all the guys out here may I express a bit o’ gee, thanks fucktard for ruining her for the rest of us."

Hey, can’t help being who I am. She seemed to be sad over our break-up but knew the reasons why and how I wasn’t going to budge on Elliot. And I couldn’t ask her to wait it out. It just wasn’t fair. But I did tell her that if Elliot wasn’t in the picture, she’d’ve been the one.

Great, so she wants to marry a gay guy. What hope do the rest of us straight geeky guys have?

No, she doesn’t want to marry a gay guy. It’s just that she wants a guy who’s strength doesn’t come at the expense of others. Confidence and compassion all rolled into one. We were just looking through stuff about Elliot on my phone and I told her if she still wanted me to be that guy then I would do that for her.

"And she bought that?"

"It wasn’t a line, dickhead. I meant it. I really do love her in some way, Greg, whether or not you believe me. And to tell you the truth, I sort of resent that you’re making it sound so fucking douche baggy ‘cause it really wasn’t like that at all. I wanted to be everything to her. In the end I found out I wasn’t the one. She wanted it, too, though. But it wasn’t some sort of setup to get laid or anything perverted like that."

That wasn’t wholly true, but I chose not to dwell on that just now.

You still there? I asked him.

Uh, yeah. Just trying to absorb it all. It is a bit much to take in. And you did her brother too?

"Jesus, yes, twice, the night before – am I going to have to repeat everything again? Seems Holly knew JD was going to do it, too. I can’t begin to figure that one out, but yeah, when this Rain hippy-chick spilled it at dinner about JD and me, she turned to Holly and said that Holly told her that she knew about it."

Damn, this is better than some shit they got on the TV – straight up Shonda Rhimes sort of shit. I should write all this down and sell it. Nah, who am I kidding? No one would believe it anyway.

"There’s that, and I’d have to kill you. ‘Cause I told Holly it would only ever be between us. Wouldn’t even tell JD about it. You’re the only person I’ve told. I intend to keep it that way. You feelin’ me on this?"

"Yeah, yeah, big guy. I getcha. I got your back on it. But fuck, Marco, when you do some shit, when you finally decide to fuck around you sure don’t mess around, do you?"

Don’t go there. Okay? It’d be a whole lot better if you leave that be. All I am saying is that I’ve put all the other crap aside. Holly, JD, oh and fuck me … Sally.

Yeah? What about good ol’ Sal? And what the fuck is it that you’re taking Eiko to the dance? I thought …

"Sal’s a lesbian and her parents found out and she’s at some fucking prayer camp in the wilds of Texas to cast the ghost of Linda Blair out of her lesbian ass, okay? It’s pretty fucked up there, too. That’s why I am taking Eiko. She was Sally’s girlfriend and they got caught by Sal’s parents making out or something, but whatever, the point is that Sal is now in Texas somewhere dealing with their ever-fucking-praying ways. Pray the gay away or some stupid shit like that."

Fuck, you’re shitting me, right?

Yeah, pretty fucked up, right?

No I mean, Sal’s a lesbo … fuck, never saw that one coming. I mean she dated Kevin … Guess he broke that one, too.

"Goddamn it Greg, will you fucking focus? This so isn’t about her being a lesbian as much as it is that she’s in a bad place. Eiko’s proposal that we go together at the dance came out because she panicked once her parents got dragged into the whole thing."

"I sorta thought ol’ Eiko was a hair-pie connoisseur. Mostly ‘cause she had that wicked Hidden Tiger, Fuck Me Dragon sorta thing. I’m really not so surprised there. Just sayin’ …"

"Whatever, the point of this whole thing is that I don’t have any of that in play any longer. No Holly, no JD, or Sally – none of it. Total clear playing field now. Though I’m not playing around here. And Eiko’s totally on-board to help me get Elliot alone so I can talk to him at the dance. Now that you’ve got him committed it’s just really hitting me that this is all gonna play out, now."

Yeah, okay. This had better work, Marco. I don’t think I can take much more of playing around in gayland. You gay boys got too much fucking drama for my tastes.

Shut it, you know you eat that shit up in a big ol’ gayboy way. Pretty soon you’ll be craving a big ol’ bone, too.

Okay, I love you in that big ol’ bromance sort of way, but you don’t need to be so insulting.

I smiled. Yeah, all right, I getcha. I’ll see ya tomorrow.

Laters, bro.

The week leading up to the dance became a blur, mostly because most of the events of that week I spent trying to sort out how to play the whole fuck, I’m just as shocked as you are that Sally is gone now when everyone clearly didn’t buy my shit that I couldn’t possibly know anything about it. And while I did, I couldn’t deny what a huge shock it became when I did find out. But I chose to play that face to the jock and cheerleader crowd.

Word still buzzed around the campus, just not as loudly, about Eiko’s surprise pairing with me for the dance.

Dude, I sure as hell don’t know how you scored that one, Marty commented as we chowed down on our respective lunches up on the jock plateau.

What do mean? Eiko?

Marty glanced around at the other guys, several of whom had wicked looking smirks across their faces. Eiko tended to do that with the jocks here. She was the epitome of unattainable. No jock had ever been able to melt that bad-assed Asian princess ice that seemed to surround her 24/7.

"Hey, she sought me out. Not like I had a say in it. You know how that goes – I don’t have to explain it to you guys."

Beau, Mack and Willem joined Marty in a small chuckle.

Still, doesn’t seem like the next logical choice for her. And yeah, I get that where women are concerned that logic often has very little to do with it. Besides, what the fuck did happen to Sal?

I swallowed the few potato chips I had in my mouth a little harder than usual. For some reason that question cut me because it wasn’t my story to tell. Yet, I was the only one around who would possibly have the answers. Letting them know would be a disaster of epic proportions. I couldn’t go there.

I shrugged.

We had an argument, things got rough and I think she split to Texas to be with her grandparents. Didn’t end well. I eyed them all, the speculation over what I said plain on their faces but I could also see that it’d take just the slightest nudge to accept it.

They never do, do they?

Mack looked to each of them. Beau quirked his lips before a small smile broke across his face. That seemed to be the signal they all waited for.

That battle over for the time being, I glanced around and spied Elliot in the stands as usual. He wasn’t drawing; he was just sitting there. I slowly put my stuff back into my backpack and started to gather myself up.

There’s still like twenty minutes left to lunch, where the hell do you gotta be right now? Beau asked as he licked his fingers from barbecue sauce that had drizzled down his hand from the pulled-pork sandwich he’d been eating.

Cindy looked up from her small salad, a decent-looking Caesar from the looks of it, her eyes hopeful that I’d spill something. You’d think that she’d have bought a clue by now that I wouldn’t divulge anything with her perky ears about.

Just, uh, my gaze moved to the stadium, which didn’t go unnoticed.

What? You miss the grid already? C’mon bro, we did our thing this season. Fucking took divisional championship, right? Enrique finally spoke up. We did it. He bumped fists with Willem and Mack.

So it seemed that Enrique had buddied up with them now. Well, that’s an interesting development.

Yeah, well. Something like that.

Before they could say anything, I moved off with a wave, See ya.

I didn’t bother to look back. Honestly, I was nearly done with them for the year. I had but one goal in front of me now: Elliot.

Part of me wanted to go to him now and just do it, just say it.

So, that’s just what I did.

I found him where I spied him earlier. He even looked like he hadn’t eaten a bite of his sandwich. It lay next to him on the chair that also had his backpack. As usual, he consumed himself with sketching in a sketch book that never found itself too far out of his reach. I quietly observed him from the center aisle walkway that ran the length of this side of the stadium. He sat in the back row of the lower level. I quietly walked up as close as I could to observe him without disturbing him. Thankfully, I entered downwind from him so I didn’t think he’d pick up on my body spray from when I showered after PE just before lunch.

I know this seems a bit odd but I’ve noticed how Elliot processes his world. He’s hyper-aware, probably even more so than I am – and with my football training that’s really saying something. My entire career in football is based upon being aware of my surroundings. It just made for a great player, and an even greater quarterback, to be that aware. But something about how Elliot processed his world that I just knew was a cut above what my teammates and I had going in our lives. Of course, then it occurred to me that it had to be that way because for us it was a game, a chosen way of life, but for him – and boys like him (and, let’s be honest here, boys like me) it was the biggest game of all: survival.

So I watched him for a few, slowly taking a step toward him. He’d pause in drawing, a slight turn of his head – no doubt polling his surroundings, like a rabbit over his warren, using all of his senses to evaluate the safety of his world at any given moment.

You’re very good, you know.

My voice completely jarred him, nearly dropping the sketchbook and his other drawing instruments onto the floor. I’d clearly surprised him and not in a good way. He glanced my way, fear coloring his eyes, fear I never wanted to see when he looked my way. I held up my hands.

Jesus, Marco, he said as he started to collect his stuff and hastily put it in his bag, give a guy a heads up, why don’tcha? Fucking nearly gave me a heart attack.

I wanted to stop him. I didn’t know what to do. He panicked – an epic sort of panicking, and I made him feel this way. I am such a fucktard for thinking I should sneak up on him.

Fuck, you dick, you’ve blown it – FIX IT BEFORE YOU LOSE HIM!

I leapt over the railing and landed right next to him, which only added fear to the whole damned situation.

COULD THIS GO MORE WRONG?

The sad answer to that, it seemed, was: why yes, yes it can.

Elliot, please, I didn’t mean … I swear. I just saw you sitting there and saw you were drawing and …

He turned to me, fear and anger blending into a pointed stare that I would’ve sold my soul to make go away. It was going wrong, so monumentally wrong, and the more I tried to fix it, the worse it got.

"Yeah? Well, where else do you advise that I go? Leave campus? You guys have everywhere to call home. I just figured that since you all congregate on Mount Olympus no one would care if the fag ate by himself out in the stands. I know no one wants me around; I get it."

He glared at me, tears filling his eyes, cutting me deeply to where I almost cried myself. I wanted to take this all back. I was so stupid to think I could do this at school. I couldn’t. I should’ve known he’d be too sensitive here. I should’ve stuck with what I knew.

Breathe deep, and regroup – YOU CAN FIX THIS! NOW DO IT!

ELLIOT! I bellowed at him, desperately trying to gain his attention – wrong fucking move, jackass!

He blanched and I saw him go completely rigid. I’d really done it now. I took another deep breath, controlled the exhale and reduced my volume like eighty-five decibels. I held my hands up in front of me in surrender, hoping that by doing so I would calm him the fuck down. It seemed to work. He huffed but turned to face me fully, crossing his arms.

I swear. I am not trying to boot you from the stadium. Not even close. I just noticed you sitting out here by yourself. I just thought maybe you’d like some company, that’s all. Then when I walked up I saw you drawing so I didn’t want to spook you and ruin it. You’re too good an artist. I wouldn’t want the responsibility of scaring you like I obviously just did. And for that, I held my hands up in front of him showing him my open palms, "I am honestly and sincerely sorry for going about this the wrong way."

He nodded just once, still biting back the tears that I so foolishly put there. Jesus, I fucking, fucking, fucking hated myself right now. Why couldn’t I just leave it until the dance? I desperately wanted a do-over.

So why are you here, then? he huffed out.

Just, uh, look, can we like sit and talk about it? I promise I won’t do anything to upset you.

Yeah? Well, why not? You seem to already have accomplished that fairly well.

Hey, I said gently reaching out to touch him along his arm, his gaze immediately looked at my hand there, confusion playing across his face, and he visibly flinched so I released him and again held my hands up in front of me. I swear I didn’t mean it, Elliot. I wouldn’t ever …

Well, that would be a first, he said as he started to lean over and pick up his wilted sandwich and slam it unceremoniously into his pack, throwing his charcoal pencils in there too. He was still planning on leaving.

Can’t you see I’m not like them!

He stopped and stood upright, the fear that renewed in his eyes only told me that I’d missed the target again.

Yeah, and that whole yelling thing puts the fag in me at ease. He zipped his pack closed quickly and hiked it onto his shoulder. Word of advice?

I tried to plead with him to just stay and let me finish. I wasn’t nearly done with everything I wanted to say to him – not by a fucking long shot. He didn’t seem to want to hear it and that was soul crushing to realize that my first attempt had gone so horribly off the rails. When I didn’t immediately respond he continued anyhow.

"Sneaking up on a gayboy, despite your best intentions won’t be warmly received. And you wanna know why? Though, if I had to guess I think you know what my answer will be."

Elliot, please, just listen to me. I swear I’m not like them. Hell, I even fucking railed at them when they tried to bad mouth my talking to you before.

Way to fuck yourself – you don’t need to tell him that you’re not like them, you need to show him fucker.

Yeah? Well, you don’t have to do me any favors. It’s just gonna dig you into a deeper hole with them. Believe me, I am about as socially toxic as you can get. I tried to warn ya at the beginning of this year, but you wouldn’t listen.

Elliot, please, just hear me out.

His eyes narrowed, then he seemed to realize something in what I tried to say so maybe he’d stop and listen. Then again …

"Why? Do you know why gayboys like me hide? Do you? Because of fucktard guys like you that would like nothing better than to lure me in and trust you just so you can mess with my head, make me think you’re my friend or some shit and then when the time comes and you have to, you know, act like you even know me when your friends are around and you won’t because your kind never does. Lip service when you’re alone, but yeah I’ve been there before. Had someone who acted like we were friends only to fucking out me to God and everyone. Fucked up my life, he did."

The tears started to spill he was so hurt and angry. I couldn’t help myself. I took a step toward him and his eyes flared open, clearly not the right move on my part. He thought I was going to harm him!

Jesus, Marco, why can’t you just let things be? Why can’t you just do what all the other jocks do? It’s so much easier for me to put you there. It’s clear; it’s what I am used to! But no, you have to fuck it all up and be really, really nice to me. He huffed, nearly panted with trying to get himself in control.

I just wanted to pull him in close, I wanted to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. I wanted so much to tell him why I’d never be like the others – not with him. Not ever with him.

He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

Are you happy now? Fucking got the faggot to cry? Mission accomplished, put that fucking notch in your belt or whatever it is you assholes do when you bag on the fucking fag. Go back and tell your buddies you done good, you fucking got the faggot to cry!

Before I could say anything, before I could even think of a way to respond he pushed forward, barreling through me, shoving me aside in the process.

I stepped up to block him. It was more reactionary than anything because I just didn’t want him to go. I’d do anything to get him to stop for a minute and just hear me out. I was blowing it, so fucking blowing it! How would I ever going to get him to listen