The Zen of Disney

By Christopher Maloney

Are you married to a “Disney mom?”
Do you have no interest in Disney World?
But still feel like you should take your kids?
Does going to Disney sound overwhelming and stressful?
Do you just want to do Disney and “Get it over with?”

This book is for you!

Follow the advice in this book and - SURPRISE - you may soon be booking your second Disney World vacation!

Before my first trip to Disney World, my all-time favorite vacation was in a monastery in Thailand. I was brought up to hate all things Disney. But I found my way to cope, and even thrive, in the land of the mouse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christopher Maloney
• Release date: Nov 2, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370042418

Christopher Maloney

Dr. Christopher Maloney has spent his life trying to become the doctor he was unable to find when he was ill himself. His practice can be summed up by: when you get hit by a bus go see your M.D. When you just feel like you were, it is time to see me.

Book preview

The Zen of Disney

A Disney-Hating Dad Finds His Inner Mouse

Copyright 2016 Creatio Publishing

Published by Christopher Maloney at Smashwords 2017

Cover Image: Fireworks show over Cinderella Castle at closing hour. Disneyworld, Orlando 2010 © Jorge Royan / http://www.royan.com.ar / CC-BY-SA-3.0

Cover Design: Text Layout and Monks: © Christopher Maloney

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedication

For everyone who has ever dreamed.

Table of Contents

PREFACE

1 I HATE DISNEY

2 HOW NOT TO DO DISNEY

3 WHAT IS ZEN?

4 STUMBLING BLOCKS

5 DISNEY FOREPLA-NNING

6 DISNEY TRAINING

7 FAMILY REALITY CHECK

8 HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

9 PLANNING YOUR TRIP

10 THE TRIP TO DISNEY

11 TAKING ON THE PARKS

12 A DAY AT DISNEY

13 ENTERING AND WAITING

14 THE EXTRA PARKS

15 DISNEY MADNESS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

OTHER BOOKS BY THIS AUTHOR

CONNECT WITH CHRISTOPHER MALONEY

Acknowledgements

I want to thank my wife for dragging me to Disney and Walt for creating it for his own children and grandchildren.

WARNING

The following book is for informational use only. Things change and Disney does exactly what it wants. Please email me with updates: [e-mail].

PREFACE

It is pitch black. Flickering reddish lights illuminate screaming faces flying past. My own scream is drowned out by the whining and tearing of machinery that sounds like we’re falling into a meat grinder. I clutch my seat and cower down to avoid being beheaded by the steel struts coming out of the blackness. Next to me my brother is laughing maniacally.

My first and only trip to Disneyland as a child left something to be desired in the magic department. Yet somehow I ended up taking my family over and over again. What changed?

I wrote this book:

For those who love Disney: You need this book. It helps you move beyond Disney survival to the joy of Disney. It also gives you an insight into those family members who cannot get into your Disney vacation. Get this book in addition to one of the dozens of books with sections like: the best hors d’oeuvres at Animal Kingdom ranked by crispiness and gluten content. Disney guides that precise need to be updated every two weeks because things are always changing at the parks. Use this book to focus your family on finding a good vacation for years to come even when plans go awry and the menus change.

For those of you who do not plan: you still need this book. It will help you salvage what can otherwise be a disastrous vacation. In a pinch you can hold it over your head to keep off the rain because you forgot the ponchos.

For those who hate Disney (and you know who you are, fellas). You need this book. Without it, you will have a vacation similar to one of the upper levels of hell. You will be hot, sweaty, miserable, and getting screamed at on a regular basis.

You need to learn the term Disney foreplay, in which your wife/partner is in a good mood for six months before the trip. That’s six months of happy planning and is a great distraction from whatever bonehead mistake you just made. Just imagine: Honey, I backed the car through our neighbor’s fence, over his favorite cat, and into his Jacuzzi. So, how’s that Disney planning coming? That excuse alone is worth ten times the price of this book.

The goal of a Disney trip is to have a great time. If you actually manage to have a great time you can either be Scrooge (we’re never coming back) or Santa Claus (let’s plan our next trip). One of the two gets more snuggling time, and it isn’t being Ebenezer.

Any of you just muscling through one long day of park hopping after another are deluded. You are signing up for more Disney basic training, or the much more terrible Disney whining. Disney whining means your kids are never truly happy on this trip to Disney because they keep thinking they will never get to go to Disney again. Yep, they are weeping on their favorite ride because you make an ultimatum that will cost you your sanity. You said this is the last time, so now they get to punish you - for the rest of your life.

Rather than muscling through, this is your one true chance to be a hero for your kids. Disney will make every effort to mock you, dehydrate you, and tear you down. You need to get Disney crazy to make it through. Remember boot camp? Think of this as boot camp for creating a functioning family, with you as the rookie with something to prove. Can you do fifty push-ups but a carousel ride makes you squirm? Can you run a mile but the price on your daughter’s princess dress gives you a heart attack? It’s time to get with the program.

I’ve drunk the Koolaid. I was brought up to hate Disney and everything it represents. I’ve been through the hell trips and everything in between. Save yourself a world of pain and get this book.

How do you do it? By being Zen about the whole experience. Don’t worry, you don’t need to know what that means yet. Just read along and you’ll get the idea. I’ve put in a bunch of confusing/deep/annoying Zen quotes to help along the way.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present."

― Alice Morse Earle, historian and author.

"When you do something, you should do it with your whole body and mind. Leave no trace of yourself"

― Shunryu Suzuki, zen master.

"Just do it." - old Nike ad.

1 I HATE DISNEY

Mickey asked Jiminy Cricket: If Pluto is a dog, and my friend Goofy is a dog, why can’t Pluto talk? Jiminy put on his Zen monk robes. Are you asking if Pluto is like Goofy? Does a dog have Buddha-nature or not?

"I guess so," said Mickey, scratching his head.

"Mu." Said Jiminy. (Mu means emptiness).

"Huh? said Mickey. Is that one of those Zen thingie-dingies? Mooing like a cow?" (Adapted from Zen Flesh, Zen Bones.)

I was brought up by authentic, Californian-granola- crunching, met-at-a-California-commune, and own-a-VW-bus, hippies. My parents made poverty a lifestyle and a calling. My mom briefly made our clothes. We shopped at a co-op where open sacks of grain and rotting vegetables gave ample food for flies and other pests (doesn’t organic mean full of bugs?). Everything that could be home-made was, including having me at home rather than a hospital.

Unless you’ve grown up wearing tie dye that smells weird and eating burned chunks of what could generously be called granola (sorry mom), it’s hard to understand the extreme reaction to Disney that hippies have. Disney is the