Burning Redemption

By Patricia Kennedy

I told her that my leaving was the right thing to do for both of us even though it felt so wrong. After all, everyone knew that she was going to leave the moment she got a chance. I just did it first. Except when she left I knew she wasn’t coming back. And while she thought she lost me for college I knew I was going to lose her forever.

My Forrest.

My Jane.

My Lex.

My everything.

Gone.

And it left a gaping hole in not only my heart but my soul, so wide and cavernous it was an infinite abyss.

So I did what any shattered man would do. I went and found myself a Barbie doll named Mia. Who then cheated on me with a ‘family friend’. Needless to say I wrote women off after that.

Until one day I saw a black haired goddess do the one thing only she did. The little tell told me all I needed to know. My Lex is right here. My Jane came back. And just like that the world starting spinning perfectly on it’s axis.

Then I saw her at the store and a few days later at my favorite bar. But then I see her again and decide then that I’m going to do something about this. Because leaving isn’t an option this time for either one of us. She’s the only woman for me and always has been. And the twelve years I’ve been without her has been too damn long and miserable.

Nothing is going to stop me either. Not even the fact that she married the one person I loathe. The infamous ‘family friend’. She’s my Lex and I will go to the ends of the Earth to prove it to her and that feels so right.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Patricia Kennedy
• Release date: Jul 24, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370271627

Patricia Kennedy

Author Patricia Kennedy showcases vintage postcards and images from her personal collection, along with photographs from the San Francisco Archives. She has added to her collection extensively while traveling as a pianist aboard the American Orient Express.

Book preview

Prologue

Dread fills me as I watch the clock tick closer to three. The end of the school day. The end of the best part of my life. It’s nearing and there’s not one damn thing I can do about it. Life as I know it is over.

3:57

3:58

God I just wish I could make time stop!

3:59

Bbblllliiiinngggg!

Mother. Fucker.

The last period bells rings loudly and for the first time in my life I wish it never did. It only signifies that I’m one minute closer to the agony I’ve been dreading. Because as of tomorrow my best friend, my other half, that has been by my side for the last ten years, is leaving. So, needless to say I take my sweet time walking at a snails pace. I’m literally trying my damnedest to drag my feet hoping to stall time just a little bit, out the main entrance of school to him where I know he’s waiting.

The moment I step through the double doors I reluctantly look up only to spot him in his usual spot, looking directly at me like he’s watching my every step. He knows exactly how I feel about this. My fingers grip the straps of my backpack tighter as I brace myself for the inevitable. Each step I take is just one closer to the inevitable doom I already dread. Even though he looks relaxed and calm sitting in his navy CJ8 Scrambler, his 16th birthday gift, I know he’s just trying to avoid all the fresh meat that literally stands in line for any measly moment of attention he may rain on them. After all he is Tyler Paxton. Only the greatest guy with the best heart and the sexiest one alive, too. I’ve always felt they were pathetic but now I find myself in the same boat. Except I feel as if I not only want his attention, but that after all this time I deserve it. This thought seems to make my feet slow even more and I know it’s because I’m trying to find every excuse to stall time. To stall it for just another mere moment with him.

Because the moments I know, the ones I’ve come to rely on, to live for, for so many years are going to cease.

Hey Jane, he says as I throw my backpack in the back.

Hey Tarzan, I return. Climbing in I notice that he looks like shit.

This is a first. Actually, I take that back. The last time he looked like this was when he had to go tour colleges. The one and only time we have ever been apart.

And judging from the fact that he’s still wearing the same clothes as he was this morning when he brought me to school I’d say I’m spot on with my assessment. Tough day there big guy?

A long growl rumbles through him as he drops his head and closes his eyes. Removing his hat he runs his hand back and forth roughly through his short hair then puts it back on backwards. Looking straight ahead and not at me, with both hands on the wheel asks, Tree?

Clearly today has not been all cupcakes and fairies for him either. Yes please, I answer because I too need to be at the one and only place that we share, that brings me, us solace.

Because after tomorrow we won’t be sharing anything again.

Even though the drive isn’t long or far, neither one of us says anything. Though after ten years of friendship silence isn’t a bad thing. Except today as we drive home the silence is deafening to me due to the loud panicking and screaming of fears rushing through my ears thanks to the time clock that won’t stop ticking like a bomb within my heart and especially my ears as it counts down the hours, minutes and seconds until my loneliness is ironclad. Until he’s gone.

The moment he parks in his spot, in parent’s circular drive, I jump out of the Jeep and run. I run with all I have. From everything. My feet speed up the closer I get and I’m sure its due to the deep down wish that this was never happening and the hope that if I got there quicker then this all would be just a nightmare and that when I wake none of this ever happened. I climb up to my branch and with my back facing away I close my eyes and pray. Pray that he’ll stay. Pray that he’s not really leaving.

Please God don’t let him leave.

Forrest, what’s going on? He asks me this in his soothing voice after he’s climbed up and sat comfortably on his branch.

I know he knows what’s going on and I know he too is avoiding the reality of what tomorrow brings. So even though I don’t want to tell him, at the end of the day I know I have nothing more to lose since I’m going to lose it all tomorrow. I don’t want you to go Ty.

Lex we both know it’s for the best, for both of us. You’ll always be my Jane, my Forrest. Nothing will ever change that. But we both know this is the right thing to do.

I’ll never believe his words.

While both our parents deem our friendship too close and dysfunctional we are each other’s solaces and for me he is my everything and always will be. He’s my rock, my Tarzan, the one person who truly knows me. He has never judged my quirkiness and has always protected me from others who did. Therefore him leaving means all that means anything to me is lost and its value is worthless. And when he leaves tomorrow I’m going to know exactly what it feels like to be heartbroken because mine’s already shattering.

Present Day

Chapter One

Come on Adi let’s take your brother to his class first gorgeous, I suggest trying to urge my little munchkins along. We meander down the hall, zigzagging to and fro as they point out with infantile euphoria their very colorful artwork that lines the walls in front of each of their classrooms.

Okay my little stud muffin, give me a hug and a kiss. The little man wraps his arms around me tightly, practically taking me to the ground, as he gives me his always snuggly hug, followed by a big smackeroo. We both giggle and I say, Have a marvelous Monday and I love you stud. I give his hair a kiss and off he goes to color with his buddies.

Let’s go to your room beautiful, I tell her and she runs down the hall with a smile that reaches her ears.

God I wish I felt the same.

Good morning. Her teacher, Ms. Davis says as we exchange the usual pleasantries. Okay beautiful, hugs and kisses my love. She giggles that adorable little kid giggle and being so heartwarming-cute proceeds to kiss both of my cheeks then lips. Have a marvelous Monday gorgeous. I love you bunches.

Bye mommy, have a mawvelus Monday! She exclaims with glee and runs to her classmates like it’s just another Monday at school.

I brave a smile and after giving her teachers a wave I put my sunglasses on quickly and biting my lip, forcing myself to maintain composure, get to my car as fast as my feet can take me. The second I shut the door, subconsciously thanking that the windows are heavily tinted, the dam of tears bursts, cascading down from my eyes. The flood gates open like they do every year on this day and I know they won’t be stopping any time soon.

It may be marvelous Monday for our kids but its miserable, mournful Monday for me.

Through blurred, tear-filled eyes I somehow manage to make the drive home. Thankfully Josie knows to leave me alone on this day but thankfully later, without words, she’ll know I’ll need help. I’ll need it just to get through each and every second that passes without him. I’m grateful for her even though I don’t really need her. On this is one day though, I do and in every way.

She’s standing in the kitchen when I walk in. I can tell she’s watching me warily but it doesn’t bother me as she’s seen me go through this for the last four years. Without saying a word to her I head upstairs and mindlessly get in the shower. My hands press onto the marble wall to keep me upright as I hang my head in agony to let the hot water rain down on me. I let myself succumb to the pain that overtakes my entire being and cry even more. If I could, I would curl into a ball and stay in bed all day. But I can’t. He won’t let me. No, instead I have to meet with my beloved, but not on this day, brother-in-law, who happens to also be the executer of the will to go over all things that make me remember him and to receive what he’s left behind. It happens on this day every year regardless if I want it to or not. Then again, always being the man with such keen foresight, he knew I would much rather shut down and drown myself in tears than to survive this day. So I’ve come to terms with his way of forcing me to get up and keep going.

To live.

No matter how long it’s been though this still hasn’t gotten any easier. Not one iota. Four years and a little more than two hours from now the love of my life, my everything, left me, left our children. Forever. I can still see his beautiful ocean colored eyes with emerald rings twinkling as he took his last breath and said goodbye. The memory still haunts me.

Breathe baby, I love you. I always will.

Our relationship was one you usually hear about in stories. ‘The secretary and the boss’. Though I was an intern hook up. Everyone around thought, hell, probably even still thinks, ‘she only wants him for his money’ except we fell deeply, head over heels, the disgusting make others gag, turn your head because you can’t bear to watch a couple show so much affection and adoration, in love. No one bought it and I never blamed them for not understanding. After all he was twice my age at the time. I was fresh out of college and he was a real estate tycoon. Though I came from a very wealthy, affluent, local family and he knew that, nobody cared. They just saw what was in front of them and assumed.

Needless to say my internship didn’t last long. I didn’t mind one bit since it was never my thing. I was just on a mission to rebel, to do something on my own without any financial help from my family and to get away from anything that reminded me of everything I had as well as lost in my youth. I was hell bent to prove to them that I didn’t need them. That I could be resourceful and independent on my own. I had no idea that my rebellion would lead me to him. So right after he proposed to me he fired me. He knew real estate wasn’t my passion and he wanted me to go after what I loved. Writing. In fact, he was adamant about it.

He was a great cheerleader.

Our love was so fairytale like. It truly was a whirlwind. He literally swept me off my feet. In fact, it was the inspiration for my first best seller. He was over the top with adoration and I was head over heels, albeit naïve, in love with him. To me he walked on water. Actually, he still does in my mind and he always told me the sun rose and set for me. To this day and every year on this day he still spoils me. Sometimes I hate him for it because it just makes me remember what we had and what we’ll never have again, therefore my heart shatters to pieces all over again. And again. On the other hand, through my pouring of tears, I end up, amazingly enough, though I don’t know how it’s possible, loving him even more. I guess it’s because at the end of the day he was and always will be, the epitome of gentleman, the only man that was meant to love me and I’m fine with that.

Chapter Two

Since this day usually entails a number of things, I take my time getting ready. And by take my time I mean a forty minute shower, an hour to get dressed, an hour to do my hair, etc. Everything I wear today will hold a memory of some sort because it’s ‘his’ day. So after the grueling process and koon’s ages later of blowing my long hair dry, I grab a bottle of water, trying to cool my now, very overheated self down and head to the closet.

Staring into the lingerie drawer a smile pulls at my trembling lips as my blurred eyes find the black lace Agent Provocateur corset. This was the first thing he bought me and had me wear it our first night together. Oh what delicious memories this brings back. It was an over the moon, fabulous night. It was sensual, provocative yet tender and loving. When he asked me to see him that weekend he romanced me the second his eyes met mine and never stopped. He made everything so special. I truly felt like a princess. The word ‘cherished’ has nothing on what he made me feel everyday and after that, too.

Taking a hiccupped tearful breath, I cinch and knot it tight with deft fingers. I can’t help but smile even more at the matching thong. This part of dressing was definitely one of his kinks and for me an absolute perk. I was never allowed to put underwear on myself, he had to do it. He always made it a point to slide them up my legs, kissing my inner thighs slowly as he went, somehow always making it erotic and never once did he do it without a tender, tantalizing kiss to my nether lips. And god did he have the most magical set of lips. Hell, I swear I can still feel them to this day. The feel of his tantalizing lips made me melt every single time and inevitably I always turned to liquid bliss.

Once they're on I zip up a snug, perfectly curve hugging knee length black Roland Mouret dress then step into very high heeled black snakeskin Jimmy Choo pumps. This is all quite fitting for the day but now it's time for his other gifts to adorn me.

Today is the only day I wear his lavish gifts.

The first piece I go to is one that was a total surprise. Way back when in the very beginning, he had left a note on my desk telling me to open it at four. Needless to say time went by at a snail’s pace. What definitely didn’t happen was writing. I was clearly too damn distracted. So when four o’clock came around I ripped open the note eagerly. It said to wear only his favorite white sundress and nothing else. Then I was to meet him down at the beach with my hair up. I can still remember all the red roses that were placed everywhere one’s eye could see. ‘A rose for everyday I’ve loved you.’ He was sexy as hell in just natural linen pants and a blue shirt that was untucked with the sleeves rolled up. It was simple but the epitome of handsome. Granted I was salivating instantly but what threw me for a huge loop was the bouquet he pulled out from behind his back. A dozen red ones, for each month of our first year of marriage, held together by a string of diamonds.

And cue the waterworks. Ugh!

So in remembrance of that day I clasp on the diamond necklace consisting of one carats all the way around that sits perfectly on my collarbone. Next, I slide on his gift to me when C.J. was born. A blue and pink pear shaped diamond twin ring. The tears are pouring uncontrollably because when he gave me this it was the same day everything started to go downhill. It went at an avalanche pace from there, too.

‘Deep breath baby. Deep breath. I love you baby.’

I can still hear his words clearly. He held me together as I crumbled to pieces. He was always so much stronger than me. He might have gotten the countdown from heaven that day but all I’ve ever lived in since that one day is hell. A place I had never wanted to visit again. A lonely hell that I get reminded of day in and day out thanks to the beautifully sad and absolutely perfect outcomes of us, our children.

After a long shaky breath and wiping my cheeks, I pick through the jewelry some more and go with the two-stone, blue diamond drop earrings. He always loved them on me. Said they matched my eyes perfectly. Plus, they were a birthday present. While the round stone in my ear is on the average size, the one hanging from it is beyond large. Then again he was always an over the top kind of guy. There was nothing about him or the way he went about life that was typical or normal. He always had to take things to the next level. Par was never good enough for him.

So always wanting to wear something of his too, which I happen to do everyday because I wear his wedding band on my thumb, I also buckle on his Louis Moinet Meteoris watch except, since he was a lefty, I put it on my right wrist. Sadly, it was his last birthday gift from me. Last but not least, the two I only now wear on this one day. The duo of jewelry I truly love because they’re the most symbolic, my engagement ring and wedding band.

This is me giving you my heart and soul forever baby. They’re now yours.

I can’t help but cry harder. I miss him terribly. God damn do I love him.

Conner I love you so much. So damn much! It still hurts my love. Too much. It hasn’t gotten easier no matter what anybody says. Losing you has been one of the most painful things imaginable.

Damn this day.

Being that I obviously can’t stop crying I brush on waterproof mascara. It’s the only bit of makeup I know that will last the next few hours. I don’t even bother putting anything else on. It’s useless. Glancing in the mirror, I see the woman I used to be, a wife, not what I am now, a widow. Needless to say more tears fall.

Damn, damn this day.

Grabbing a black snakeskin clutch, since I know I will hardly need anything besides phone and credit card I head back downstairs and walk right out without pausing, not even to chance a glance at Josie. I know if I take one moment to think about what this day represents my feet will leaden and everything will just get worse.

Deep breath baby.

The drive to the club that my beloved built is a mindless one. Though I now rarely frequent it, we used to come here quite often. The irony is I’ll be back here on Friday for dinner too. Twice in one week. I haven’t done that in more than four years.

I haven’t wanted to either.

Good morning Mrs. Thompson, Jeremy the valet, who’s been here forever, says to me. When he was a troubled teenager Conner hired him and gave him a second chance. He was that kind of guy.

Hello Jeremy, I reply dryly as I get out of my car. He knows what day this is therefore I don’t feel bad about my surly attitude. Heading inside I spot out of the corner of my eye a black Bentley convertible sitting in my parking space. Hunh, that’s interesting. Not that I care, I just find it odd. I wonder who it belongs to. It’s not that that kind of car is out of the norm here, it’s just that it’s in my parking spot.

The door men open the double doors as I near and the hostess says, Good morning ma’am. May I please have the name of what the membership is under? And will you be joining someone? I don’t even acknowledge her. Right now everyone is no one to me. Out of the corner of my eye I see the doormen behind me shake their heads, knowing exactly who I am. Without taking my sunglasses off, I beeline it past her toward the private dining room. I don’t know her and she clearly doesn’t know me and I’m the last person to smooch with on this day. I know this is bitchy but today is not the day you’ll find me being sweet.

Good morning Mrs. Thompson, Michelle softly says to me as she opens the private dining door for me.

Hello Michelle. Is Bruce here? She nods and I enter, taking a deep breath once I hear the door close behind me. At the far end of the room where the wall of windows looks out upon the lush polo fields Bruce sits comfortably at our table. He’s waiting for me with a bottle of wine chilling. He knows this day is far from easy for me and we always begin like this. It makes what’s to come a little easier, though just barely. Like everything else, Conner has scripted everything down to a ‘t’.

I remove my sunglasses as he stands and after a long endearing hug we give each other kisses. I’ve been kissing this man since the day we met and I have no plan of ever stopping. It always made Conner smile and because they both knew I only loved fully, they accepted my affection. Pressing a tender kiss to my forehead he asks softly, Which first, lunch or letter gorgeous?

Taking my seat that happens to be the one Conner always sat in, I answer, Wine, letter then maybe lunch. I need the liquid courage to get through this and possibly the food after to help me digest everything. To say this is more than one can bear may be for the cold hearted but it’s definitely not for this cookie, me. When everything first happened I had no idea about any of this. Yes, I know that’s vague but that’s exactly how it was. Unbeknownst to me, Conner took care of everything and then some. Every iota of a detail imaginable he’s saw to. But then again that’s him. To this day his tenacious foresight still blows me away.

Chapter Three

Bruce pours us both a glass of Conner’s favorite Richebourg Grand Cru. A few tears, like always, seep from the corners of my eyes as the memories of this wine, this place always brings to light. After our glasses are full he pulls an envelope out of his black leather briefcase and silently pushes it across the table. Overall, he and I get along extremely well. Hell, I love him, but on this day, I don’t care for anyone, especially him. I’m not the angry, hate-the-world-widow. I’m the hurt, distraught, still in love and still grieving widow and on this day I don’t bother hiding it. The server opens the private room doors and Bruce immediately waves them off, leaving us to ourselves once again. After I take a long slow sip of the burgundy, trying to muster the courage within me to read what the love of my life that I’ll never see again, has written me I open it.

Every year his words rip me to pieces yet glue me back together. They make me whole again all the while remind me just how broken I now am and always will be. It’s almost like a moth to a flame. I can’t resist and I utterly long for it regardless of whether or not I get burned. It’s my way of keeping him around because I can’t let him go. My fingers pull out the letter he has written me from the dated manila envelope. It’s labeled with the number four. Though his penmanship is sloppy as hell and hardly legible it still puts a smile on my face. Okay here I go. With trembling fingers tremble they unfold the letter.

Hi baby,

I love you. I insanely love you. I insanely fucking love you. I insanely fucking love you with my entire being and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for leaving you. I’m so fucking sorry for not being here with you right now. I’m so fucking sorry for everything.

His letters always start out this way and the tears immediately pour out of my eyes like a waterfall.

How are our babies doing? They must be doing wonderful. They have you as a mother. The best mother two beautiful children could ask for. I hope C.J. still has your black hair and that they both still have your beautiful ice blue eyes. Is Adi still a toe head, still our little Barbie? God I wish I could see them, hold them, tell them how much I love them.

I’m so sorry baby. Just a little heads up baby, I’m going to be selfish this year and the sad irony is there’s nothing you can do about it.

Today my love I want you to take them to Mellow Mushroom for dinner. Yes, I know you insist that they eat healthy, but let them be kids baby. Tomorrow, after school take them where I took you on our very first date. Remember that? I sure as hell do. You had a smile from ear to ear. I loved making you happy. I want them to experience that. I have planned for it to be closed, just for you guys from two until four.

On Wednesday, and yes I know you’re going to hate me for this, ha-ha, I want you to take them to Joey’s Outback Adventures. I know we both swore there would be no way in hell we’d take them to the crazy kid place, but since I’m not around to deal with your wrath I deem it perfect. I love you baby.

Do you remember the date when I told you to dress to the nines and had you wear a gown?

Yes, only to end up taking me putt-putt golfing you cocky asshat, and all you had on was shorts and a tee shirt. I was so mad at him. Talk about feeling overdressed, embarrassed and out of place. Secretly though I had a blast.

I can still remember just how angry you were. My little vixen all fired up and pissed off. Damn if I didn’t love every moment. Fuck baby you are my everything and always will be. Anyways, I want you to do a repeat on Thursday but also make the kids dress up. Tell them why so they understand the humor and remember us for the relationship and love we had. Like every Friday this one week a year, have them make my favorite dessert of yours, kiwi tart with lime filling.

For their birthday’s I want you to