Regret

By B. D. Anderson

Jayden Winston is full of regret.  When he graduated from college, he deserted the love of his life because he feared that she would reject him once she found out about his mysophobia.  Now ten years later he is confronted by her lawyer and learns that he is the father of  nine year old twins.  He's never stopped loving Tamaeya and wants a life with her and the twins despite his problems and he is determined to do whatever is necessary to win back her love and trust.

• Language: English
• Publisher: B.D. Anderson
• Release date: Aug 9, 2017
• ISBN: 9780997944464

B. D. Anderson

B.D. Anderson is an Associate Minister at her church.  She is married and has two adult sons and a granddaughter, Chloe.

Book preview

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Special thanks to my friend, Wanda who has been reading my stories since Middle school and also to Sonya D.  who has an eye for detail.

Copyright © 2017 B.D. Anderson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or

transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or

electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except

in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized

reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

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ISBN: 978-0-9979444-7-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-0-9979444-6-4(e)

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2017910832

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this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Royal Touch Photography are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

My name is Jayden Harrington Winston and I am a certified asshole.  There I said it.  Yes, I’m an asshole. I’ve hurt people.  I want to change, but I don’t know how. I have a condition called mysophobia.  I hate germs.  In fact germs scare me. I used to wash my hands every hour, but now with therapy, not as much. I’ve been scared of germs since I was seven.  I don’t know why.  I can’t stand to see dirty things.  I wipe everything off because of germs.  I sanitize my hands after contact with others.  My doctor says that I have a milder case because I’m not afraid of human contact and I don’t sanitize every single thing I touch, however it doesn’t feel like a mild case to me.

Jayden looked down at what he’d written on the yellow legal pad and quickly tore off the page, then tore it up into small pieces before dropping them in the wastebasket under his desk. Dr. Hansen had told him to write down his feelings, but he wasn’t ready for her to see what he’d written.  Writing, however did help relieve the tension that he felt and kept him from responding as he normally would. The good doctor called it CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy).  He would write down what he was feeling and then replace the negative feelings with positive ones.

So much had happened to him in the last forty eight hours and stress always brought out the worse symptoms of his disease. Dr. Hansen insisted that writing things down instead of continually washing his hands was best.

––––––––

He turned from his desk and stared out the window, not really looking at anything in particular.   His mind was consumed with thoughts of Tamaeya Jackson and the situation that he now faced; his past coming back to haunt him.

Jayden thought back to his time in college over ten years ago. He never would have noticed her on his own.  She was not the type of woman he normally dated.  Back then he’d often done outlandish things without thinking about the consequences, especially when they didn’t affect him directly.  He did these things hoping to cause enough distraction in order to keep his secret hidden, to keep his friends from discovering his shameful condition.

Once when his friend Jeffrey asked him why he wouldn’t sit down when entering his dorm which was quite messy, Jayden hadn’t answered him; instead he’d taken off his clothes and streaked across the campus nude.  His actions had been the talk of the University for a month and he almost got suspended.  He dated regularly, bragging about his conquests hoping that his friends wouldn’t find out the real reason why he never stayed with one girl because he feared that she’d pick up on his secret.    Now looking back, he was full of regret. He had hurt people, women especially because of his obsession with hiding his phobia, until Tamaeya came into his life.

Tamaeya Jackson was a black girl from a poor family.  He had seen her around the campus during his junior year and had later discovered that she’d recently transferred from a college in Virginia.   There weren’t that many blacks on campus, and she stuck out like a sore thumb.  He had never desired dating black girls, especially ones with ghetto names like Tamaeya.  He had only approached her on a dare after losing a bet on a football game. His reputation as a ladies’ man was well known around the campus of New Haven State University and he had often bragged to his friends that he could get any girl that he wanted.

Back then, the urges were controllable, and most of his friends just thought that he was a neat freak.  There were rules that roamed around in his head, rules he’d created to help control his urges.  He never kissed women on the lips, oral sex was out of the question unless it was being received and he always wore a condom and took a long shower after sex.  He never stayed overnight in someone else’s bed and never allowed them to sleep with him either.

Tamaeya, he realized after she’d gotten his attention wasn’t a bad looking girl.  Her skin was smooth and reminded him of the warm gingerbread he loved to eat, but her lips...well her lips were big and she wore glasses.  Jayden didn’t do girls with glasses...ever!    Not only did she wear glasses, but while she was tall and shapely, he felt that her ass was just too big.   Jayden liked his women slim with big breasts, not asses that jiggled.  He had told his cohort Jeffrey that he must be kidding when he had first pointed out Tamaeya and issued his challenge.  She didn’t meet any of the usual criteria he preferred.

"I bet you can’t get with her," Jeffrey had fired off the challenge.

Jayden knew that girls found him attractive.  His chestnut curls and large green eyes always captured the ladies’ attention. He was tall and muscular despite his slim frame and he had been told that his baritone voice would melt butter.   Even with all that, he’d never tried to date a black woman before and had called foul on Jeff’s challenge.

Now I thought you were an equal opportunity lover, Jeff had mocked.  I picked one that’s not so cute, just to give you a chance.  She should fall into your arms with no problem just from the attention from a guy like you.

Maybe she doesn’t like white guys, Jayden grumbled, wondering if she was clean.  I think you’re setting me up to fail.

Not so, man!  Jeff protested grinning.  I’ve been watching her a whole week!  There’s no guy...at least not here on campus, so go for it.  If you’re all you say you are, then you shouldn’t have any problems.  Now just to be fair, I’ll give you two months to get the booty.  You lost that bet and I can pick any girl I want, so you have no choice.

Fine, Jayden had reluctantly agreed. He hadn’t interacted much with black people.  He’d heard somewhere that they didn’t wash their hair every day, and he wasn’t comfortable pursuing this girl.  However he wasn’t one to back down from a challenge,  and when he’d first approached her, he found that she smelled nice as he stood near her, which eased his jittery feelings somewhat.

At first, she rebuffed his advances, but he had been determined to win her over with his charm and prove to himself and his friends, that he could get what he wanted.

Seducing her had not been easy. The weird looks from his classmates surprised him when he’d finally wore Tamaeya down and she agreed to a date.  Surprisingly, he enjoyed being in her company, and the strong physical attraction he felt for her had been totally unexpected.

Jayden discovered that Tamaeya was highly intelligent and came from a small rural town in Virginia.  He was impressed that she had a double major in Business and in Accounting.

He had to admit that she was different from any other girl he’d dated with her wiry afro of fluffy corkscrew curls.  He’d asked to touch her hair, but quickly backed down at the look she gave him in response.  The ass that he had dismissed as too big, now seemed to beckon to him every time he watched her walk away.

Yet it was their first kiss that had sent him over the edge. Jayden had no intention of kissing her full lips.  He didn’t kiss on the mouth because of his fear of germs.  The fullness of her lips had been distracting, but in a good way.  He hadn’t expected the rush of heat between them, the softness of those sexy lips, or the groan that had involuntarily come from his throat upon initial contact.  He had kissed her on the cheek goodbye after their first date, but by their fifth, she surprised him and had grabbed his face kissing his lips instead.  Her lips had tried to coax his to part during the kiss, but he had quickly pulled away, stunned by her audacity.

Two months flew by, and while they continued to kiss, Jayden still wouldn’t open his mouth, and would try to distract her by touching her breasts.  The deadline for the bet had been upon him, and he knew that there was no way he was getting her into bed and resigned himself to just pay the bet and take the loss, but he’d realized that he still wanted to see Tam even after the wager was settled.

He’d lied to his buddies after paying Jeff for losing the bet by telling them that he’d never backed down from a challenge before and that he was determined to get Tamaeya in bed despite losing the wager. They had slapped him on the back, egging him on.   He’d used that excuse to keep seeing her, and they believed him.  The truth was that he had been smitten by this black girl but he hadn’t wanted to admit it, especially to his cronies. He wasn’t interested in any other woman, and he found himself giving Tamaeya his full attention.   That was the beginning of the end.  He had lied and had been deceitful; a coward who hadn’t wanted to admit to his friends that he was in love with a black girl and his deception had come back to bite him in the ass big time.

For over a year he kept pursuing her and still she hadn’t ended up in his bed. When graduation was approaching, he realized his time was running out.   He’d taken her to dinner, bought her a diamond heart shaped necklace and told her that he loved her.  Tamaeya had finally admitted that she loved him too, but he hadn’t been prepared for her confession of being a virgin.  She informed him that she felt that all the gossip about his exploits were a lie because of his lack of kissing skills when they first got together, and he hadn’t bothered to correct her assumption.

He was filled with guilt with his deception, but it quickly dissolved as he watched her finally undress for him.  He’d known that he should have come clean and told her the truth, but being her first was a prize that he couldn’t resist.   She was perfect and she was his after more than a year of seduction attempts. Never had he wanted a woman as badly as he wanted Tamaeya.

He realized now that he should have told her everything; even that he’d used the wager to further hide his phobia from his friends.   If only he could take it all back, but he couldn’t.  If he had told her about the wager, confessed his true feelings...then maybe just maybe things could have turned out differently for the two of them. 

But he hadn’t done that.  Instead he had taken what she so freely offered.  For the first time in his life, he hadn’t used a condom.  It had taken him over a year to seduce her, longer than it had taken him for any other woman and a part of him didn’t want any barrier to be between them.  He had been selfish he knew, but he couldn’t help it.  He hadn’t been prepared for the emotional attachment that had developed...he hadn’t been expecting to fall in love with her; but it had happened despite knowing that being with a black girl would not be an acceptable choice to his family or his friends.

Jayden had done what he felt he needed to do.  He’d broken it off with her on graduation day, telling her that it was over.  He had plans, he thought and it was one thing to put up with the whispers and stares from fellow students for being with her, but in the real world a black woman on his arm was not an acceptable choice and his parents had hammered that point home after he’d told them about Tamaeya.   He decided to cut his losses, and Tamaeya had been devastated by his actions.

Jayden had quickly submerged himself into the family business of real estate after graduation.  The Winston name was well known and his family was worth millions.  He pushed Tamaeya to the back of his mind, dismissing it as just a college romance, though he knew that it was much more than that.  No amount of sexual debauchery after the breakup had relieved him of his desire for her.  He couldn’t forget that first night, the innocence in her eyes; the pain of giving him what she’d never given to any man.  He had been her first and only, and that being the case, oral sex had never entered his mind until Tam. 

The smell of her arousal had pulled at his senses and he’d slid down her body without even thinking about it.  The salty sweet taste of her sex had been an aphrodisiac causing an ache that took control of his mind and body. Knowing that he had been the only one, knowing that no one else had tasted her goodness, fed his hunger in a way he couldn’t explain and his ‘phobia’ faded in the background of his subconscious, but it hadn’t been enough.  He was a Winston and he was the only son...the family’s legacy bearer and he’d caved in under the pressure his parents had exerted on him.

Even with Obama in office, things were still the same.  The people in his family’s circle were politically correct in public and sat around talking about that ‘uppity nigger’ when they were in their own private circles speaking about the President.  Jayden wondered if things would ever get to the point of being equal between the races. 

He now sat in his large office and thought about the millions Winston Enterprises had made since he’d come on board.  His father had made him CEO and he had more money than he’d ever spend in his lifetime, and yet he was miserable and his ‘phobia’ dominated his life.  He was alone and dammit he was still angry about the cards life had dealt him and even his role in the matter.  After Tam, he’d reverted back to his old habits of cautious casual sex with women that he had no attachment to, but it wasn’t the same.

His body would get the relief it sought, but afterwards he felt empty inside.  The urge to jump up and shower was always overwhelming and he’d leave the girls’ apartment immediately afterwards. It had gotten to the point that sex was just too much trouble.  He didn’t like explaining his actions to the women he’d fucked.  He didn’t like feeling dirty and he was tired of the long hot showers that left his skin aching and dry. Masturbation had been his only comfort and he made acquiring more property for his family’s empire his primary concern.

The fateful trip to Mexico at his father’s insistence suddenly came to mind.  He hadn’t wanted to go because of the overwhelming sense of foreboding that came over him every time his father talked about the trip.  His father had dismissed his apprehension as a byproduct of his condition.  His father kept after him, telling him that he would be fine and that this trip was important to the family business.

Jayden didn’t understand his apprehensions about the trip, nor could he articulate them to his father.  After all, they had just been feelings and he’d pushed them aside and got on the plane anyway.  It was a billion dollar deal, several hotels in the resort city of Mexico City were on the market, below their value and his father had insisted that he go down and check it out and make an offer if things looked good.

Jayden had done just that, finding the deal to be a good one and stayed two weeks in Mexico City to obtain the property and set the renovations in motion.  By the third week, he came home feeling a cold coming on. 

At first he thought that he’d caught the flu because of his fever and body aches.  He stayed in bed for a week trying to recover.  Then he’d broken out in spots all over his body and had gone to the Emergency Room shaking from thoughts of all the germs that would be about, but determined to get to the bottom of what was happening to him.

After his initial examination, the doctors had quickly quarantined him and told him that they suspected that he had smallpox.  Upon learning of his condition, Jayden had freaked out resulting in Dr. Hanson being called and he being strapped to his bed. The sores were unbearable and the worse of them were on his stomach and in his nose.  It was several months before he felt like himself again and it was a year later that he’d discovered that he had been rendered sterile by the disease.  There would be no more Winston’s after him.

His parents had been devastated with the news.  It didn’t bother Jayden as much as he thought it would, though he had wanted to be a father one day.  When he was fully recovered, he emerged himself back into the business and tried to push his situation out of his mind.

Karma as they say, is a son of a bitch because when the company’s lawyer, one of his father’s college cronies had called him informing him that there was a paternity suit against him, he had scoffed in disbelief.  First of all, he always used condoms and he hadn’t had sex in three years. On top of that, he knew that he was sterile with only a fifteen percent chance of impregnating anybody. 

He had thought it a hoax by some desperate woman who wanted to extract money from him and told the lawyer, Mr. Bean, as much and had hung up the phone.  He hadn’t been prepared for the return call an hour later from Bean informing him that in fact the woman claimed that she was his college sweetheart, Tamaeya Jackson and that the babies were no longer babies but were nine years old.

The information had caught him off guard, knocking the breath out of him.  Tamaeya had given birth to not one baby but two, seven months after they’d graduated.  He’d been rendered speechless as his mind tried to register what Bean had been saying. Her lawyer wanted a meeting to discuss terms...blah blah...paternity test...blah blah...

I know the babies are mine, he had snapped, his head swimming, interrupting Bean’s lengthy discourse. The silence on Bean’s end had lasted a full fifteen seconds after his declaration.

Set up a meeting, Jayden instructed, and hung up the phone.

Now as he stared out of his office window, Jayden wondered what he was going to say to Tamaeya.  What could he say?  He’d been a complete asshole, treating her shamefully.  Still, she should have told him about his children, the only children he’d ever have.  Who did they think their father was?  Had she told them about him?  Fear gripped his insides and he turned back from the window to his computer.  He reached into his desk drawer pulling out the large container of wipes and began to wipe down his desk.  His fear had increased after the fateful trip to Mexico City, and only with the help of the good doctor was he able to have some control over his impulses.  He then stood up and vigorously wiped off his chair while hearing the doctor’s voice in his head telling him to write things down.

The door of his office opened an hour later after he’d calmed himself, and his father walked in unannounced.  Jason Winston was a big and burly man whose large blue eyes and wavy snow white hair still caught ladies ‘eye.  Though Jayden’s six foot three frame was taller than his father’s six foot frame, Jason was still intimidating to his son.

Son, I heard from Bean that there’s a lawsuit and you’re caving in before all the facts are known!  Jason barked at his son as he slammed the office door.

Jayden sighed.  Pop, it’s a petition for child support.

I know that!  The woman must be crazy!  Jason walked over to the desk and crossed his arms.

Pop, more than likely the babies are mine...they’re nine years old.  I dated the woman while in was in college, remember? 

Just because the timing is right, does not mean that those babies are yours, Jason insisted. She could have been sleeping around...black girls are notoriously loose, you know.

Jayden stood up trying to control his temper, throwing the last wipe in the trash. 

Tamaeya was not loose, Pop, he snapped angrily and reached in his desk for another pack of wipes.

Yet she claims you got her pregnant, Jason replied indignantly. She was sexually active!

She was my girlfriend, Jayden said defensively.  You and Mom were the ones who wanted me to end it and I did.  I didn’t know she was pregnant.

You still don’t know for sure if those babies are yours, his father insisted, walking into his son’s personal space.  Don’t get all sentimental now just because of the fact that you can’t produce an heir!"

Those are my babies, I’m sure of it, Jayden stated, glaring at his father.

So you’re just going to claim them and give that woman the world?  Next you’ll be telling me that you want to marry her!  I’m going to be at that meeting just to be sure that you don’t lose your head entirely, Jason insisted.

Pop, I am thirty three years old.  I don’t need a babysitter, Jayden responded dryly.

You need someone to have a cool head, son.  This woman is after something-

Look, if she was such a gold digger, she wouldn’t have waited ten years, Jayden reasoned.  More than likely she didn’t want anything to do with me and she’s only coming out now because of the children.

I’m still going to the meeting, his father insisted.

I would rather you didn’t, Pop.  I don’t need my Daddy holding my hand.  I broke up with her at you and Mom’s insistence.  I went to Mexico City because you demanded it. Now I’m telling you in no uncertain terms, ‘butt out!’  This is MY BUSINESS.

*** *** ***

Jason stared at his son.  Rarely did Jayden go against his wishes, but he could see the anger in his eyes and decided not to push too hard.  Jayden had brought up Mexico City which Jason knew was still a sore subject with his son.

I’m just trying to help you, he said throwing up his hands in frustration.

I don’t need your help!  Jayden said holding the wipes.

Jason stared at his son’s hand and decided not to press him further.  It would only cause another bout of cleaning that he didn’t want to witness.

Fine!  Jason grumbled, walking to the door. I want a full report tonight.  Your mother is expecting you for dinner.

He didn’t wait for his response, but quickly walked out the door, slamming it hard.

*** *** ***

Tamaeya sat on her bed in the hotel room and looked at the papers that the lawyer handed her the day before. She wished that she hadn’t had to contact Jayden, but she had been laid off of her job and the state of Virginia demanded that she name the father of her children if she wanted to get any state support.

Her mother had insisted that she contact the children’s father.   After all, the twins were just as much his responsibility as hers.  She looked at her reflection in the mirror.  The meeting had been set up and her lawyer was going to pick her up in less than an hour.

Memories of New Haven flooded her mind once she had arrived. Mr. Robert Long, her lawyer had made all of the arrangements for the meeting and was putting her up in the hotel.  He assured her that all of her expenses would be covered once Jayden was proven to be Jay and Dana’s father.  It seems the Winston Empire was well known and Long and Associates had jumped on the opportunity as soon as they realized who was involved.

Tamaeya folded the papers and put them back in her bag.  She didn’t want Jayden’s money.  She would never have come here if she wasn’t in such a desperate situation.  Her children needed things and she couldn’t depend on her mother forever.  It wasn’t fair to shift the burden to her and she knew it.

Tamaeya hadn’t planned on falling for Jayden Winston.  His reputation preceded him and she had wondered why he was continually showing up wherever she was when she was at the University.  Why did he want to be with her?  He had wooed her and she found

Reviews for Regret

[Latrina Stokes-Smith · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I appreciate that the author created complex characters not trapped in a predictable storyline--but there was just too much going on. Some things were rushed while others were dropped. The book didn't feel cohesive. The sequel may address some of these issues. I won't be reading it.

[Phindile Mntambo · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

There was no fault in this book.

The storyline is brilliant, the characters we enjoyable. It is a light book but it sure kept me reading. It felt good.