A Christmas Carol... Slimed

By Elias Zapple

Elias Zapple’s retelling of Charles Dickens’ Christmas fable tells the story of Elias Zapple, a man with a wealth of cabbages to match the coldness of his heart. On a mystical Christmas Eve, he’s visited by three ghost slugs forcing Zapple to make a choice: change, or become worm food.
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Heads or Tales Press
• Release date: Jul 12, 2017
• ISBN: 9788826481715

Elias Zapple

Elias Zapple was not born in 1922, as some would have you believe. His date of birth is not really relevant anyway. What is relevant is that he arose out of a tulip that was growing in some old granny's garden in Camberwell. How he got to be in a tulip is not really clear, nor is it clear how he got out of the tulip, and years later wrote the smash hit musical, 'Love, be a Stranger', which was an international flop. After that success, he went on to work as a 19th century Victorian chimney sweep, when he was inspired to write the acclaimed series of books entitled 'Duke & Michel'. It is believed the fumes from the chimneys did so much damage to Elias, that it was a miracle he ever ate a cupcake again.  Later, he travelled back in time to the present, and went on a series of trips to many foreign and distant lands. During these travels, Elias met and listened to many interesting people, choosing to ignore all of them. He did, however, learn a couple of things: i) the earth is flat; and ii) you should never eat a banana when it's not ripe. Many questions are often asked by his adoring public. Are you human? How many chimpanzees can fit inside a fridge? What is that thing growing on the side of your head? To which Mr Zapple has always smiled, turned away and swum off into the sunset; having only once been bitten by an unfriendly shark. Elias Zapple continues to work towards the unification of Korea, and writing children's stories that parents will spend huge sums of money on. He wishes you all to know that every penny made from the books will go straight into his bank account, which he will then spend on a lavish, new tent.

Book preview

A Christmas Carol… Slimed

By

Elias Zapple

Inspired by Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol

Copyright

© Elias Zapple, 2014

Illustrated by Reimarie Cabalu

Disclaimer

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real persons/slugs, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Dedication

For

Giant Chimpanzee

Another Chimpanzee

Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Disclaimer

Dedication

Steve the Slug’s Ghost

The First of the Three Slug Spirits

The Second of the Three Slug Spirits

The Last of the Slug Spirits

The End of It

Who is Elias Zapple?

Also by Elias Zapple

A Request from Elias Zapple

One

Steve the Slug’s Ghost

Steve the Slug was dead. There was no doubt about that. I, Elias Zapple, had signed his death certificate and had made Larry the Handyslug bury Steve the Slug just beyond my cabbage patch. (I couldn’t very well bury him within the cabbage patch – nobody likes cabbage with a hint of dead slug). I had been the sole mourner at his funeral, except for my moustache Mr Snazzy who did protest but was forced to come as he resides upon my upper lip, and a few slugs that also attended after I threatened to add them to the stew for that night’s dinner. Steve the Slug was as dead as the dried slugs I had eaten for my cereal that very morning.

How could I be certain that Steve the Slug was dead? For one thing I was the one that had been up all night drinking way too much of my patented Noggin Rocker™ and who then, quite inexplicably, had decided to mow the lawn whilst Steve was doing his early morning security checks in case my neighbour Dieter tried to break in again. It was a painful sight removing Steve the Slug’s mangled, bloodied body and then, with him in the palm of my hand, having to listen to Steve the Slug’s last words about how careless I was and would I please throw out the lettuce from the larder in the kitchen as it was beginning to breed new life-forms.

Steve the Slug had been my one true friend, my confidante and attentive listener when I recited my poetry and when no other slug would listen to my recital - or had listened until the 300th poem and then while Gino the