Whackers

By Thomas Burchfield

A talented but cowardly law clerk's blind passion for a glamorous but mysterious attorney puts him on the fast track to hell when a glib n' greedy hit man hires himself to whack the attorney's fiance. A madcap slapstick farce about the awful things that happen when a dream comes true.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 21, 2010
• ISBN: 9781452485034

Thomas Burchfield

Thomas Burchfield was born in Peekskill, New York. His debut novel, the contemporary Dracula tale Dragon's Ark, won several awards in 2012. When not blogging on his "A Curious Man" webpage, he writes for such publications as Bright Lights Film Journal, Filmfax and The Strand. He lives in Northern California with his wife, Elizabeth.

Book preview

WHACKERS

Original Screenplay

By Thomas Burchfield

Copyright 1996, 2010 by Thomas Burchfield, all rights reserved.

U.S. Library of Congress No.: PAu-2-138-735

ISBN—e-book: 978-1-4524-8503-4

License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: As this script was written in the mid-1990s, I’ve lost track of the many who advised and encouraged me in the happy experience of its writing, (and please forgive me if you’re one of them; feel free to remind me). Still, some names are retrievable from memory’s misty meadow, among them: Elaine Wilder Esq. and clever bartender Rabi Kunnar (wherever they both may be); John-Ivan Palmer, whose raffish spirit winks from behind one main character; Allan Shan; Gordon Rothwell and members of a screenwriting group whose names I’ve forgotten; Elyse Friedman-Caiello; the entire gang at the Club Deluxe, San Francisco, including singer/songwriter Pat Johnson (who came up with the title), Rand Alexander; the late, great Jacob Alexander (no relation to the Rand); Susan Lake, Michael Ace Moss; Kevin Frenchy Houle; Dutch Pennafiel; and Vise Grip for lending me their names and, especially in the case of dynamic growly Mr. Grip, their personalities; and Tim Stookey; Tanya Deason; and Maureen McClone. More recently, my wife, Elizabeth; Annette Roux; Christine Henry; and Don Herron provided crucial help in preparing this work for its online resurrection.

CREDITS: COVER CONCEPT, DESIGN AND PHOTO by the author, with the assistance of Elizabeth Burchfield, Annette Roux, Christine Henry, and Don Herron.

Distributed by Book Baby

An Ambler House Publication

584 Vernon St., #1

Oakland, CA 94610

For Elizabeth, most of all . . . .

WHACKERS

ACT I: WANTING

ROLL CREDITS

FADE IN

EXTERIOR. BRYCE DOOLITTLE'S DREAM. THE SKIES OVER SAN FRANCISCO. DAY

MONTAGE:

On the soundtrack, the molten golden voice of BRYCE DOOLITTLE sings I Left My Heart in San Francisco.

Out of the San Francisco fog flies ELAINE WILDER, a stunning brunette, a winged angel in white. She sails gracefully over the Golden Gate Bridge, her beautiful face wreathed with a smile as the wind whips through her long, raven tresses . . .

BRYCE DOOLITTLE’S face appears super-imposed over her flying image as he sings with all his heart, like a yearning ghost . . .

As Elaine flies over the Golden Gate Bridge, SOUNDS of car accidents on the bridge rise from below. She flies over the Presidio . . . Alcatraz . . . Fisherman's Wharf, where TOURISTS gawk at this beautiful, but absurd sight.

Elaine circles the Financial District then flies west down over Market Street.

A DRUNK drinking wine on a park bench does a double- and spit-take as Elaine flies over. He looks at his wine bottle and, shaking his head, and tosses it away.

Elaine flies over the Powell Street Cable Cars, over the Castro and up Twin Peaks, where she circles back toward the Golden Gate Bridge . . .

. . . where Bryce waits for her, standing atop the bridge’s North Tower as he sings, his voice drawing her to him. . .

. . . Elaine flies up and gently lands beside him. As the song ends, they embrace. Their kiss is long and deep. They break apart and join hands . . . and step off together into space . . . to fly fly fly away togeth—

An ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS: bwwwwAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!

The Dream is over.

Elaine dissolves into the mist. Left to face gravity alone, Bryce plummets toward the bridge below, twisting, turning, spinning. The road races up towards him—!

END CREDITS

FADE IN

INTERIOR. BRYCE DOOLITTLE'S STUDIO. MORNING.

Bryce Doolittle shrieks over the shrieking alarm. He rolls across the bed, bangs into the wall, rolls back the other way and onto the floor. His hand claws up to shut off the alarm clock but instead pulls the bedside lamp down on his head. BONK! The clock follows. The alarm shuts off.

Bryce sits up, puts on his horn-rim glasses, and looks groggily at the grimy white wall across from the foot of his bed. The wall is bare except for a magazine photo of his hero: TONY BENNETT.

Bryce is in his thirties, very boyish and, as a result, one of those guys the world will not take seriously. And so, he’s become a man afraid to live.

INT. BRYCE'S BATHROOM. MORNING.

Behind the shower door, Bryce sings I Can’t Help Falling Love with You as he showers.

He cuts off his song with a groan. He flings open the shower door and stumbles out with his a sigh in his sopping wet pajamas, still wearing his glasses.

EXT. BRYCE'S STUDIO. MORNING.

Dressed in office clothes, Bryce trudges up the sidewalk, wearing his backpack and i-Pod, humming the same song to himself in perfect pitch.

INT. THE BUS. MORNING.

The bus is packed with COMMUTERS. Bryce sits in a middle seat, his eyes closed as he contentedly sings Morning Has Broken.

The GUY seated next to him lowers his newspaper, staring sideways at Bryce, seething.

The other PASSENGERS spear stares of fury at Bryce. Anyone who sings at seven in the morning on a bus to work must be some kind of rude moron . . . .

The bus stops. The DRIVER'S SHADOW falls over Bryce. The Driver's hand plucks the i-Pod out of his ears. Bryce looks up. The Driver stares down like an angry bear, pointing at a sign that reads:

RADIOS SILENT! NO EATING! NO DRINKING!

NO TALKING! NO DANCING!

AND NO SINGING!

EXT. THE BUS. MORNING.

Bryce sails headfirst out the bus’s rear door, followed by his backpack and i-Pod. He gets to his feet as the bus pulls away, leaving him forlorn in a cloud of diesel.

EXT. EMBARCADERO CENTER. MAGAZINE SHOP. MORNING.

A sign in the window reads: $7 MILLION LOTTERY JACKPOT!

Bryce waits in line to buy a lottery ticket, closely watching the PEOPLE go by. Suddenly, his eyes widen.

There she is . . . Elaine Wilder . . . walking in slow motion . . . .

EXT. BRYCE'S FANTASY. EMBARCADERO CENTER. MORNING.

Bryce sings I Get a Kick Out of You as he dances circles around Elaine.

EXT. EMBARCADERO CENTER. MORNING.

As Bryce watches Elaine ride the escalator up into white heavenly light, the line moves on without him. The