Now I See: How I Battled Blindness, Mental Illness, an Espresso Habit and Lived to Tell the Tale

By Mariagrazia Buttitta

BY THE TIME native Sicilian Mariagrazia Buttitta turned twenty-six, she’d planned out the perfect life. After finishing her residency in Buongiorno Medical School, she’d be primed for a job at the prestigious Roma Hospital, the first step toward becoming an Italian Dr. Oz. And what life is complete without a handsome prince by her side, gracing the face of Italian People Magazine as one of Italy’s “Most Beautiful Couple”?

Instead, she wakes up to discover a medical diagnosis that leaves her almost completely blind. Her family, frustrated and desperate, seeks medical aid in the United States, but it comes with a steep price. Along the way, Mariagrazia must battle bullies, an obsessive lover, and her two biggest enemies: anxiety and depression. Tortured by her thoughts, she finds herself toeing the line between life and death, contemplating ending it all. As a last resort, she turns to a childhood diary of poems and creative writing to rediscover herself and the will to live ... before it’s too late.

Now I See is a heart-wrenching yet humorous true tale of struggle, survival, amazing grace, unconditional love, and a fresh look at the American Dream. It’s an account of one young woman’s journey overcoming devastating odds while stumbling her way through darkness into light.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mariagrazia Buttitta
• Release date: Oct 3, 2017
• ISBN: 9780997944839

Mariagrazia Buttitta

A native Sicilian-Italian speaker, Mariagrazia Buttitta is currently pursuing a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling from The College of New Jersey. Mariagrazia speaks to college students and organizations about her blindness, along with her long-term battle with depression and anxiety. In 2015, Mariagrazia founded an Instagram social media campaign, the (#YSS) Your Sunglass Selfie Project, using the hashtag #eye4acure in an effort to tear down stigma and negative assumptions held about the many different types of blindness that exist, including her own cone dystrophy. When not working, Mariagrazia loves spending quality time with family and friends, hiking, collecting sunglasses, exercising, shopping, and hanging out with her two therapy dogs, Happy and Lucky. Her one true weakness—espresso . . . and lots of it. www.embracingyourdifferences.com

Book preview

NOW I SEE

HOW I BATTLED BLINDNESS, MENTAL ILLNESS, AN ESPRESSO HABIT AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE

A MEMOIR

MARIAGRAZIA BUTTITTA

FOREWORD BY

KEVIN HINES

Embracing Your Differences Publishing

JACKSON, NEW JERSEY

Copyright © 2017 by Mariagrazia Buttitta.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author. If you would like to do any of the above, please seek permission first by contacting us at: [e-mail]

Quantity sales: Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the author with the information provided above.

Thematic Editor: Skookum Hill

Other: Lois Marie Harrod

Copyediting: Kimberley Jace, Kevin Cook, Pamela Cangioli, and Lorraine Fico-White

Book Cover Design: Michael Koch

Photographer: Robert Bennett

Makeup: Dominique Ferro

Distributed by Smashwords

E-book formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. Furthermore, in order to streamline the narrative, the author has condensed parts of her childhood.

This book is not intended as a substitute for professional health care. If you are in need of immediate care, please contact a crisis hotline or a qualified mental health-care and medical provider for further assistance.

Now I See - Mariagrazia Buttitta/First Edition

ISBN 978-0-9979448-3-9

Praise for Now I See

"Now I See shares a moving personal story that touches on so many critical aspects of well-being in the face of adversity. Three qualities resonate throughout Brave Maria’s compelling journey of healing—a spirit to cope, grit, and amazing grace."

~ Sean Campbell, mental health advocate

This book will soon be in the hands and hearts of many who will know hope after reading her very personal story. Mariagrazia is an extraordinary writer who blends truth with humor, resiliency, determination, love, faith, and personal growth like no other story.

~ Professor Kathleen Pignatelli, BA, MEd, DRCC State of NJ Professor of Health/Psychology

Now I See is a witty, inspiring, and courageous account of a young woman’s journey to find hope and strength in the face of adversity. You will find yourself crying and rejoicing as Mariagrazia faces her fears and emerges as a brave, confident advocate for herself and others.

~ Marion Cavallaro, PhD, LPC, associate professor, Department of Counselor Education, The College of New Jersey

This book is for anyone who is seeking inspiration, hope, and vision in their life. Her story has touched and inspired countless [people] already but go ahead—see for yourself.

~ Francesca Buttitta, mother, friend, and area sales manager for Saks Fifth Avenue OFF 5th

"Now I See offers a vision of hope and determination in the face of depression and blindness. Mariagrazia Buttitta’s poignant memoir of her life will move and fascinate you, through darkest night and brightest day. Beyond inspiring."

~ Andrew Simeone, librarian

Mariagrazia writes a unique and insightful narrative on two stigmatized battles throughout her life. She seeks the truth through her past, strengthens herself with tools from present situations, and finds her voice to give hope in the future. A creative, helpful, and inspiring memoir!

~ Laurel King, student, tutor, and massage therapist

Mariagrazia’s memoir gives readers a unique, honest, and at times painful and humorous look into the ever-changing realities of living in a world that hasn’t yet embraced what it means to live with depression.

~ Stuart Roe, PhD, NCC, Associate Professor of Counseling at The College of New Jersey

From the moment you begin this book, its powerful narrative of adversity, strength, and persistence will take you on a moving and inspirational journey. Written not only for those who personally endure society's stigma toward blindness, its must-read that helps all of us see how we see others.

~ Paul D’Angelo, PhD, Professor of Communication, The College of New Jersey

Mariagrazia Buttitta has written a must-read by eloquently telling her life story and all of the challenges and victories that it has encompassed thus far. Her journey to mental and physical wellness is an inspiration to anyone and everyone. Read this book. Through the laughter and tears, you will find hope and a sense of resounding resiliency.

~ Jamisin Saracino, MA

Acknowledgments

To Francesca Buttitta, Antonino Buttitta, Elisabetta Buttitta-Riopi, Elisabetta Scalisi-Buttitta, Nonn’Onofrio Buttitta, Joshua Rivedal, Kathy Pignatelli, Jamisin Lee Saracino, Celina Levy, Suzanne Bachner, Kyle Maynard, Stuart Roe, Marion Cavallaro, Kevin Hines, Sean Campbell, Phil Accaria, Judy Baker Schwartzhoff, Edward Sroczynski, Beverly A. Matthews, Lois Marie Harrod, Paul D’Angelo, Laurel King, Andrew Simeone, DJ Scheibe, and my two four-legged friends: Lucky and Happy.

Thank you also to the many others whose names may not appear above but who still continue to play a significant role in my life.

Additionally, thank you to the staff of Bergen Community College, New Jersey Commission for the Blind and Visually Impaired, and The College of New Jersey.

And most importantly—thank you, God.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

— Martin Luther King, Jr.

Table of Contents

Foreword: Kevin Hines

Preface: Joshua Rivedal

One: Maria, the Hot Mess

Two: In That Little Town of Bagheria Near Palermo, Sicily

Three: The Struggle Was Real

Four: A Giant Pair of Glasses for Little Maria

Five: Little Maria Goes to Middle School—the Prison Years

Six: More Bullies, Binge Eating

Seven: The Cause of Little Maria’s Owl Vision

Eight: From High School To No School

Nine: Learning to Walk with Casper: The Friendly Cane

Ten: A Dummy’s Guide to Talking to the D-i-s-a-b-l-e-d

Eleven: The Depths of Despair

Twelve: Kicking My Blue Genes in the Butt

Thirteen: The Long and Winding Road

Fourteen: Self-Discovery

Resources

About the Author

A Message from the Author

FOREWORD

KEVIN HINES

Mariagrazia writes passionately, poignantly, and viscerally about her life in this one-of-a-kind, compassionate, and poetic life story. She shares the most intimate of journeys with grace and candor. Her story is powerful, filled with hope, and shines a light on a much-needed subject—stigma surrounding mental illness and disabilities. Maria navigates us through the entire process. This is a story that can reach out and positively touch each and everyone who reads it. Now I See is truly a powerhouse of a life story, from her vivid descriptions of old to current and ever-compromising Italian culture, to the waterfall flow of how her mamma and grandmother cooked the ancient recipes of their ancestors’ food, to her mountain-moving poetry embedded in each chapter. Maria is a gifted author; she paints vivid, palpable, and colorful pictures with every paragraph—the kind of images meant for framing or paintings on walls, even living as screensavers for your new computer.

This strong young woman paves a path to hope, a path to healing. She talks of subject matter few are well equipped enough to even dare explain. The book is called Now I See for many reasons, and its significance has vast implications. Maria is legally blind, walks with a cane, and lives with mental illness. An acting teacher might refer to her life struggles as a triple threat. She has felt these struggles most of her life. She felt separated from the average young lady, and in a huge way, she was. Disconnected from life. Wishing for so very long to disappear. Maria’s constant dance with death by suicide isn't depressing; it's raw, candid, and true. But she is solution-based, and this book shares these solutions—how one goes from the brink of such pain, triumphs each time, and commits to life. Her story is pure, filled with light, and the notion that the pain you are experiencing right now, the pain your loved one is going through, is from today, but it doesn't mean your story won't be beautiful. Today is not tomorrow.

Her unequivocal belief in self after years of self-doubt is awe-inspiring. The hope she lives with daily after fighting mental illness, and physical illness, even when her sight is taken from her, is infectious. Mari, as her mother calls her, shares colorful memories from her personal diary and past. She shows the world: I am here, I've been in the darkest of spaces, and I have and will keep on keeping on. She is the definition of success. Mari is real. I write this foreword with a whole heart. After meeting Maria, speaking with her, and learning from her, my life has been changed. She still struggles; this is no self-help book cluttered with notions of being fixed or finding a cure. This is truth-telling at its best. We can manage such brain pain, we can utilize helpful guiding lights in our lives to wade through disability, and dammit, we can be as successful as the last person who paved the way for our faith in life. We can be great.

My name is Kevin Hines, and I know a bit about pain. In the year 2000, I attempted to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. One of thirty-six to survive that fall, one of a handful to regain full physical mobility, I had a broken back, walked with a cane and back brace for some time while on Social Security disability, and live with a severe form of bipolar disorder. I’ve spent time in seven psych ward stays and had twenty-six treatments of Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). I’ve been through a lot in my life and I still struggle, but like Maria, I too have committed to this life.

As a person who’s been there, I am so moved by this work of art. Maria and her story will change your life. So read, learn, feel, and enjoy.

She tells us, I have mental illness, I am blind, but I will always see. I see you, Maria … I see you.

#HopeHelpsHeal #BeHereTomorrow #KeepOnKeepinOn

~ Kevin Hines,

Storyteller, author, advocate, filmmaker, founding partner and CEO: 17th & Montgomery Productions: A Mental Health Media Co. | www.KevinHinesStory.com

PREFACE

JOSHUA RIVEDAL

Dear Reader,

If I could have magically addressed you by name, I definitely would have … but that would have been kinda creepy and I’m not great at magic anyway (not even the sci-fi card game). And in case you’ve completely skipped the table of contents, I am not Mariagrazia. I know that the preface is usually written by the book’s author, but this is no ordinary book, and Mariagrazia is no ordinary young woman.

I first got to know Mariagrazia when I presented a mental health and suicide prevention keynote at Bergen County College where she was working to complete her associate’s degree. I won’t give you the entirety of that story because Mariagrazia has included it as part of her journey within the pages of this book, but after that presentation, we connected and formed a bond as friends, as mentor and mentee, and as colleagues. In the coming years, Mariagrazia invited me to speak at The College of New Jersey, where she was completing her bachelor’s degree, and along the way she asked me to help her shape a new book she had worked on—a memoir. In my past, I had worked as a playwright, and as a mental health advocate I had written three books (with one more on the way!), so of course I said yes to Mariagrazia’s request.

During this two-year book-editing process, I not only got the chance to have fun with my dear friend working on storytelling and thematic editing, but I also got a front-row seat to see this young woman and talented writer transform from a person without hope, without direction, to a vibrant human being who works tremendously hard on refining herself and strives to help others so that they don’t go through the same suffering she experienced early on in life.

I am so incredibly excited for you, the reader, to see what I’ve seen. To read what I’ve read. To grab a hold of this book and experience the feeling I felt after reading this piece of art from cover to cover—pride, elation, fear, sadness, joy, laughter, empowerment, and inspiration.

It is my hope that Mariagrazia’s Now I See becomes something like a laser eye surgery for your soul, allowing you to see more clearly the possibilities in your life even in the face of obstacles—and that you’re able to find the capacity for hope, healing, and encouragement, should the need arise. Mariagrazia shows us that impossible is just a mindset; when we cultivate a network of support for ourselves and commit to working through our personal demons, only then the word and the mindset impossible transforms to I’m possible. Your brain can be your worst enemy or your best friend. Mariagrazia gives insight to the concept that we must nurture and train and stay vigilant in the fight to keep our brains healthy so that we can live mentally well every single day of our lives.

If it isn’t already clear, it will be by the end of this book that this young woman is a true gem, and this book is something that should not sit on a shelf but must be passed along to a loved one, a colleague, or a friend.

Thank you, Mariagrazia, for your efforts and your commitment in showing us that it is possible to take a personal tragedy and turn it into triumph. You make the world a better place.

#iampossible #werpossible

- Joshua Rivedal

Founder and CEO, The i’Mpossible Project and Changing Minds: A Mental Health Based Curriculum | www.iampossibleproject.com

ONE

MARIA, THE HOT MESS…SIGH

There I was,