Stolen Hell: A Retail Hell Underground Digital Short

By Freeman Hall

Greedy Grabbers, Privileged Pinchers, Shady Scammers, and More!

Whether they’re swiping merchandise or conning cashiers, Nasty Ass Thieves (NATs) can be retail’s worst nightmare.

Do they honestly think they can return merchandise they didn’t buy? Or muscle their way out of a private chat with Loss Prevention? Or short-change drawers every time they shop?

Apparently they do - or there wouldn’t be these 36 hilarious-and-true stories from RetailHellUnderground.com bloggers about NAT run-ins of every shape and size. From food scammers to hulking shoplifters to the unthinkable tale of “Paint and Poo,” these stories will make you look - and laugh - a little harder at your fellow customer.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Release date: Sep 24, 2012
• ISBN: 9781440537059

Freeman Hall

Author of the acclaimed memoir Retail Hell, Freeman Hall spends his days running popular blogs and dogwalking his neighbor's adorable canines. He is also the author of Little Monster Hell, Discount Hell, and Return to the Big Fancy.

Book preview

Stolen Hell

A Retail Hell Underground Digital Short

Edited by Freeman Hall

Avon, Massachusetts

Contents

Greetings Curious Reader

The Little Old NAT from Pasadena

The Terrible Tale of Stinky Bitch

Lady Von Ripoff

Fuckmuffin and the Holiday NATs

The Tale of Miss Scary-On Pigs

Always Remember to Tip When Dining and Dashing

NAT Privileges

Free Food Scamming

A Game of NAT Catch

Shady Savings

The Adventures of Paulina Blart, Mall Cop

Gay Marriage NATs

Stupid NAT at the Magic Kingdom

Wanted: Mature Cashier Security Guards

Born to Preach and Steal

Paint and Poo

Dumbass Cop at the Counter

The $10 Coffee NAT

Dog Food Shenanigans

New Pants

Game Show NAT

Just a Little Short

Miserable Adventures with a Salon NAT

It’s Only Food

Shortchangers in the Drive-Thru

Stability Is Highly Overrated

Keester NAT

Patriotic Plant Thief

Detaining Ms. Hulk

Scamming at Hellgreens

To Catch a Dumb NAT

Busted by Scan Gun

A Girlband NAT Tale

The $10 Cell Phone Store NAT

How to Handle a Restaurant Food Scammer

Taking Tote Bags

Closing Time NAT

Copyright Page

Greetings Curious Reader,

My name is Freddy, cryptkeeper of the Retail Hell Underground Blog. In 2007, I and many of my friends were fed up with our retail jobs — the way we were being treated by our companies, customers, and coworkers. There was no place to go for support or help, or to blow off steam and laugh about the place we call hell. So, I took to the dark recesses of the Internet in a skull mask and wig and created Retail Hell Underground — a place for anyone in the service industry who needs to rant, laugh, support, or seek advice about their jobs. RHU is not just for those in retail but anyone who has to deal with customers or coworkers. Because the antihuman corporations we slave away for would fire us if they knew our identities, we hide our names and faces on The Underground. Bloggers of RHU have taken on screen personalities to tell their stories and rant about what pisses them off or makes them go WTFLOL. Many of the stories you are about to read come from RHU’s Monster Bloggers — those who share their experiences, photos, and voices regularly, and you can find them lurking on The Underground on any given day. The tales you are about to read are all based on true incidents. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent and keep the guilty from suing. Any resemblances to real people or real companies are purely coincidental — so don’t whip out your lawyer panties, corporate America!

Enjoy your stay on The Underground, Curious Reader. Remember to keep your arms and legs inside at all times and wear your safety belt! This wild ride through service hell will definitely turn you upside down!

And remember … laughing about your hell is the best way to cure it.

xo,

Freddy

The Little Old NAT from Pasadena

What do you mean it’s not on sale? said the shady old lady peering at me over tinted glasses. That’s what the ticket says!

Shady had come up to the handbag counter wanting to buy a Burberry satchel that retailed for $350 and somehow had ended up with the tag that went to a Fossil backpack on sale for $89.99.

Seriously Shady? How stupid do you think I am? Maybe you’d like it better if I just gave you the bag for free. Guess what? It’s your lucky day! Come on down! Burberry is 100 percent off! Just for you! And you’ll be the best dressed inmate in jail!

Shady was a price switcher. And because I was a man working in the handbag department of The Big Fancy, there were those custys, like Shady, who thought I’d have my head up my man ass and not know the difference between a LeSportsac and a Gucci.

In this case it was Burberry vs. Fossil. The legendary-fabric people vs. the watch-turned-handbag people.

C’mon now Shady. If you were smart, you would have gone to the shoe department where they don’t care and would have gladly excepted your lowball offer.

If that Burberry were on sale for $89.99 I’d have bought it for my sister! I instantly yelled loud enough for everyone at the counter to look up.

There’s a Burberry for $89.99? my coworker Cammie replied a few feet away, already catching on to what’s happened, I want one too!

I informed Shady that it wasn’t the correct ticket and just for show, because sometimes I enjoyed getting dramatic with the NATs, I went on search of the Fossil backpack. It wasn’t long before I found it, lying defected and lifeless without stuffing in a corner by the Coach shop.

Here’s the bag that’s on sale for $89.99, I proclaimed like I was Indiana Jones recovering some ancient artifact. Someone tore it off and threw the bag over here.

And what does Shady say in such a typical fashion that if I’d placed a bet I would have won the house, Well that was the ticket that was on it and I should be able to buy it for that price!

And I should be able to beat you with it out the door! Get the fuck out!

Shady was just another Nasty-Ass Thief.

Having slaved away in Retail Hell for so many years I came to call people like her that name because, well they’re nasty, many of them are assholes, and they are thieves out to get whatever they can at the expense of some poor sales associate.

And little Old Lady NATs were always a problem in the Handbag Jungle.

How could these frail decrepit, slow-moving custys be such troublesome NATs you might ask?

Because oftentimes they were not easy to spot.

Like my custy from Pasadena named Tessie, the sweetest little old lady custy ever.

Hi, remember me? Tessie would say upon greeting me.

I didn’t remember every custy’s name but every now and then some event from the past would jog my memory, and Tessie had bought a LeSportsac bag from me during a Thank-You Note campaign our evil store manager, Suzy Davis Johnson, had implemented. We had to write thank-you notes to every custy, and a few days after I sent Tessie’s, she called to thank me for sending her a thank you. A rarity for sure, I always remembered her name even though I didn’t see her often.

Nice to see you again Tessie, I would say.

With a sparkle in her eyes and playful disposition, Tessie looked like Betty White with gray hair and had the soothing voice of Marion Cunningham from Happy Days. You just wanted this adorable grandma to hug you and bake you cookies.

I’m so glad you were here, said Tessie, I don’t like anybody but you to wait on me!

I didn’t wait on Tessie often, and few of the other salespeople knew her, but none of us had anything but kind words to say about this pleasant old custy.

Until my perception of her was radically changed one afternoon.

All in an instant.

An accidental moment.

When I discovered that our sweet lovable Tessie from Pasadena was nothing more than a geriatric Nasty-Ass Thief.

She had come in looking for a summer bag saying, I’m going up north to see my grandkids and I’ll be staying there for a few weeks.

Oh that sounds fun, I answered, generally pleased for her because Tessie was such a likeable person.

Like so many other custys that I was fond of, I then took the time to tour Tessie around the Handbag Jungle and show her what was new and where the hottest sale bags were hiding on the clearance table. Tessie always made it clear to me that she was retired (like so many of my old lady custys) and on a budget, so I never steered her into designer world, but she also didn’t want to look like she’d shopped at Walmart either. She liked fancy blouses, dressy slacks, stylish shoes that wouldn’t hurt her feet, and handbags that were affordable, unique, and roomy.

After