The Artie Crimes

By Jan Christensen

When your profession is thievery, you’re bound to find trouble. Artie Applegate just wants to have simple heists with no complications, but the women in his life repeatedly keep that from happening. More often than not, Artie ends up trading his burglary skills for mystery-solving talents instead.

Collected here, for the first time, are four short stories previously released by Untreed Reads containing Artie’s many exploits as he attempts to pull off burglaries while solving a crime or two in the process. This collection also contains a brand-new Artie short story, “Artie and the Big-Footed Woman.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Untreed Reads
• Release date: Sep 13, 2016
• ISBN: 9781945447204

Book preview

Woman

The Artie Crimes

By Jan Christensen

Copyright 2016 by Jan Christensen

Cover Copyright 2016 by Untreed Reads Publishing

Cover Design by Ginny Glass

The author is hereby established as the sole holder of the copyright. Either the publisher (Untreed Reads) or author may enforce copyrights to the fullest extent.

Previously published by Untreed Reads Publishing

Artie and the Long-Legged Woman, 2011

Artie and the Brown-Eyed Woman, 2012

Artie and the Red-Headed Woman, 2011

Artie and the Green-Eyed Woman, 2012

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher or author, except in the case of a reviewer, who may quote brief passages embodied in critical articles or in a review. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. The characters, dialogue and events in this book are wholly fictional, and any resemblance to companies and actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Also by Jan Christensen and Untreed Reads Publishing

Where the Wind Blows

www.untreedreads.com

Artie and the Long-Legged Woman

Artie watched with horror as first one beautiful leg emerged from the white limousine and then a second equally gorgeous leg followed. He held his athletic bag tightly in his gloved left hand, his right hand on the doorknob, ready to leave the jewelry store out the back exit into the alley. But there were the limo, and the legs, and here he was, holding the goods.

Artie sighed. He closed the door quietly behind him and started to walk away. Maybe the woman belonging to the legs wouldn’t notice. Sure.

Artie? a melodious voice called to him.

He debated whether he should continue on; even took a couple of steps.

"Artie." The voice was firm this time, and closer.

He turned and bumped into a woman who almost matched her legs. A woman he’d dreamed about all through high school. She was now in her late forties, good-looking enough, but not as spectacular as the legs.

Yes? he said, feeling the sweat begin on his forehead, pretending he didn’t remember her.

You don’t know who I am?

Sorry, he muttered.

It’s been a long time. Let’s see. Maybe ten years. You were about twenty-two, and you and Henry were best friends.

Uh, yes, Mrs. Henderson. How are you? How is Henry? He’d never forget those legs. Since he’d been fourteen and became friends with Henry, he’d known they were spectacular. He paled when he realized the name of the jewelry store he’d just robbed was, yes, Henderson’s Fine Jewelry. Rats. Henry’s parents hadn’t owned a jewelry store back then. It had been a dress shop.

Henry is why I’m here.

Huh?

Come, let’s sit in the car where it’s comfortable. She took his arm and led him over to the limo. They climbed in, and she continued. Henry needs some help. I’m afraid he’s been a naughty boy. Would you like a drink? She opened the door of a bar and Artie saw bottles of different drinks, mixers, an ice chest, and tongs and stirrers. What more did anyone need? He could use a whisky sour. But he thought he’d better not. No telling where all this was leading. He shook his head.

I’ll just have a small one. Mrs. Henderson fixed herself a Manhattan, straight up. As I was saying, Henry needs some help, and you’re just the one for it. He took something that didn’t belong to him, like you do. We need you to put it back.

How…how do you know about me? Artie asked.

Oh, you’re rather famous in jewelry circles. So many heists, as I believe you call them, and so few arrests? You’re very, very good. Of course, our secret cameras are state-of-the-art, and the moment I was alerted to someone being in the store, I checked the monitor and saw it was you. You haven’t changed much, you know.

Feeling a bit faint, Artie took out his handkerchief and wiped his sweaty brow. He was sure he’d blocked all the cameras, but he must have missed one. He tried to relax, leaning back in the cushiony seat. Tell me about Henry.

Mrs. Henderson sighed. Henry has acquired a taste for the finer things in life. This includes expensive cars, fine art, wine, two homes, and women.

Women, plural?

Well, one at a time. It’s the latest one who’s the problem.

Artie didn’t like the sound of that. How so?

Let me put it this way. He stole her from Warren Marino. Warren doesn’t quite realize she’s gone yet, but I’m sure he’ll figure it out soon enough.

Mrs. Henderson finished her Manhattan and set the glass down on the bar. It’s a long story.

Artie imagined so. Anything to do with Henry took a lot of explaining.

Henry met MaryLynn about a year ago at a party given by Ronald and Estelle Carpenter. You know them?

Artie cleared his throat. Only by reputation. He didn’t think it necessary to mention he’d robbed their jewelry store about three years ago. Ancient history.

MaryLynn and Ronald came late and left early, but there was enough time for Henry to meet and charm MaryLynn.

Henry always had a way with the opposite sex.

He called her the next week, and they had lunch. You may be wondering how I know all this. I keep an eye on Henry. He’s proven over the years to be a bit of a problem. Mrs. Henderson crossed her legs. Artie tried not to stare. Anyway, they only had lunch. Went their separate ways afterwards. Seems they discussed art. MaryLynn runs a medium-sized gallery, and Henry convinced her he was interested in one of her artists.

Artie shifted in his seat. He didn’t understand why Mrs. Henderson was telling him all this. What could he do?

But that was just the beginning. Mrs. Henderson grimaced. They kept meeting, and Henry even met the artist—someone called Claud, no ‘e.’ One of those pretentious ones with one name and a funny way to spell that. From Texas, no less. I’ve met him a couple of times—insufferable young man. Anyway, Henry soon had MaryLynn falling in love with him, and he seems smitten himself.

Smitten? Artie shuddered. He remembered when Henry would fall for a girl when they were still in high school, and women later on. It was always quick, intense, and finally messy during the break-up, which usually followed in about six months.

Mrs. Henderson, Artie said.

Yes?

If history repeats itself, and it usually does, Henry should be ready to send MaryLynn back to her husband any day now.

She patted his hand. I’m afraid this time is different. MaryLynn is different. MaryLynn is a class act. And you know how smooth Henry can be.

Yeah, Artie said.

So, I need your help.

I don’t see what I can do, Mrs. Henderson, Artie said, feeling desperate.

She patted his hand again. I’m sure you’ll think of something. You’re his oldest friend. I know you went your separate ways several years ago, but I think you can still influence him. Or maybe think of a way to influence her. You may keep what you took from the store as payment. We’ll simply file an insurance claim. Of course, I’ll keep the tape in a safe place. She tapped on the window to get the chauffeur’s attention.

Artie cringed. Not a good thing to have such evidence out there. He’d have to get it back. In the meantime, he’d pretend he wasn’t worried about it. How is Mr. Henderson?

Same as always, Artie. Same as always.

Artie knew she meant he was as ineffectual as ever. Even though she grumped about that, he had long ago realized she preferred running things herself.

Mrs.