The Practical Caregiver's Essential Guide: How to Help Someone You Love

By Sara M. Barton

This guide will help you to better understand your loved one's need for care and how you can effectively provide it, while still maintaining your own good health.

There are three important rules for good family care:

1. Love is never enough. You can love someone utterly and completely, but without the right tools and education, you can fail as a caregiver.

2. You have to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of your loved one. If you fail, there will be two people who need a caregiver -- you and your loved one.

3. What you don't know or understand can hurt you and your loved one -- when you learn about what ails your loved one, you can also learn about what will make care better.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sara Barton
• Release date: Sep 6, 2016
• ISBN: 9781536586138

Sara M. Barton

Sara M. Barton is the author of several popular cozy mystery series that often feature humor, romance, and pets, but no ghosts, witches, or psychics (It’s not that she thinks these are bad books; it’s that she’s more of a traditionalist when it comes to cozies.) She’s the author of a new historical mystery called The Pantomime Double-Cross, with a heroine who has lived a secret life for forty-five years, unbeknownst to family and friends. Under the pen name of S. M. Barton, she’s written several espionage thrillers, including The Mirrors: A Moscow Joe Cyberspy Thriller. Once she wraps up the final chapter of her old life, Sara’s slated to begin her new life and tackle her overdue bucket list. When she’s not writing, she loves to get outside and enjoy nature, especially after hip replacement: “If my new hip were a man, I would marry him in a heartbeat for all the right reasons. He’s good to me, takes me wherever I want to go, and he’s fun to be around. Perfect qualities in a mate.” Happy Reading! The Practical Caregiver Guides website: https://practicalcaregiverguides.org Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/sarabartonmysteries/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bartonmysteries Cozy Mystery Series: The Scarlet Wilson Mysteries revolve around innkeeper Scarlet Wilson and her knack for stumbling into murder most foul. The eight-book series is laced with humor and romance. The Cornwall & Company Mysteries chronicle “Marigold Flowers” and her life on the run as she escapes from ruthless contract killers with the help of Jefferson Cornwall.

Book preview

The Practical Caregiver’s Essential Guide:

How to Help Someone You Love

By Sara M. Barton

Book Information

Draft2Digital Edition 2017

Copyright Sara M. Barton 2015

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher, Sara M. Barton, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Acknowledgments:

Thanks to my editorial team, for all their assistance in bringing this book to fruition. It was a labor of love. You’re the best, D. B., J. A., and P. S.

Dedication:

For you, Dad. Thanks for teaching me that no matter how unfair life is, you never give up; and if you’re going to do something, do it right.

In memory of my mother, who was challenged in the last ten years of her life by multiple surgeries, a heart attack, diabetes, COPD, and felled by the final insult—lung cancer.

Introduction

Doting Dorcas meekly follows her cranky mother into the physician’s office and puts down all the items she is lugging for her: the big oxygen tank, purse, coat, hat, and tube of prescription pain cream. While her mother bellows at the doctor about how ineffective all of the shingles medicines are and how she got no relief (Absolutely no relief at all!), Doting Dorcas just sits there patiently, telling herself that patients have the right to vent about their problems. She’s just there to support her poor mother.

Daring Darlene assists her unhappy mother into the physician’s office. Her mother has a compact oxygen concentrator slung over her shoulder and Darlene carries everything else in her humongous tote bag: purse, coat, hat, and tube of prescription pain cream. While her mother complains to the doctor that the shingles medicines didn’t give her any relief, Daring Darlene listens. When the patient is done venting, Darlene has a few questions for the physician. What she really wants to know is how better her mother’s pain could be managed (Is there a higher dosage or different medication she could try?) and whether there are things Daring Darlene can do to make her feel more comfortable.

I always cringe when I see an uncertain, anxious, or insecure person taking on the task of being a family caregiver. Somehow we think that it’s a grunt’s job, suitable only for a Casper Milquetoast, a Nervous Nellie, or in this example, a Doting Dorcas. Poor Dorcas is in a position no caregiver wants to be, subjugating herself to her mother’s domineering ways; that makes her the perfect whipping post for her frustrated mother. By surrendering her good common sense and her own voice, Doting Dorcas makes a common caregiver mistake, assuming that her mother’s rage is both normal for a patient and also valid. In the case of shingles, an excruciating and painful condition resulting from the chicken pox virus, it’s hard not to sympathize with the angry patient. We tend to assume it’s just the pain talking, when, in fact, Dorcas’s mother was probably domineering long before she needed a caregiver. Whenever things go wrong for the patient, Dorcas will be on the receiving end of her mother’s wrath, thinking that she’s helping the patient to vent her emotions in the face of physical symptoms that are unmanageable.

Daring Darlene, on the other hand, has wisely learned to observe her mother and understand the physical symptoms, as well as the emotional toll they take on the patient. She sees herself as an advocate for her mother, looking for ways to communicate more effectively with the medical team in order to find solutions to her mother’s problems. Her goal is to relieve the painful symptoms and the resulting distress because she remembers what her mother was like before she needed a caregiver; that sense of self is what she wants to return to her as much as is humanly possible.

Two caregivers with two different approaches to providing care....In Darlene’s case, she expects that if she makes the effort, she will find solutions that ease her mother’s discomfort. But Dorcas has already surrendered to her assumption that this is what it is and nothing will change. She’s already defeated.

Imagine these two caregivers in a year and predict what their lives will be like. Do you see the passive Dorcas succeeding in her efforts to placate her mother as her mother’s health deteriorates? Do you see Darlene failing to find solutions to comfort her mother as her health deteriorates?

If you had to choose one of these caregivers as a mentor, would you pick Doting Dorcas or Daring Darlene? Who do you think you could rely on for good advice that would not only help your loved one, but also make your life better?

Caregiver studies have shown that people who are used to taking charge of challenging situations, troubleshooting problems, and even directing activities toward a positive outcome are the best caregivers (managers, businessmen and businesswomen, teachers). They tend to work efficiently and effectively to handle problems. A timid caregiver can undermine confidence and encourage fear in a loved one dealing with health issues. Confident, cheerful, compassionate people actually get better results and keep their loved ones healthier longer for one solid reason. They know they have to take care of themselves in order to function at their best. Their loved ones are counting on them.

Remember the old joke?

Q. Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I do this!

A. Then don’t do it!

There’s some solid truth in there. If you’re finding your stint as caregiver a painful experience, it’s time to change how you do things. You may need to learn some care strategies, some caregiver psychology, some organizational or management techniques, or learn how to get the right kind of help for you and your loved one. You may even have to unlearn some bad caregiver habits. (If it’s any consolation, few of us are ever perfect—we have our strengths, but we all also have weaknesses.)

It’s important to remember that every situation is unique because of the caregiver, the loved one, the loved one’s situation and health prognosis, the relationship between caregiver and loved one, and even unexpected factors like time, money, support, and available pain management by experts. Focus on what you can do to make life better for both of you. If you’re honest with yourself and you’re determined to improve your situation, you’ll find answers that fit your particular issues.

One of the first things you need to understand about being a caregiver is that you have to take a lot of the emotion out of the equation and focus on facts. You have someone you love who needs help. If your emotions get the upper hand, you will not be able to solve the very real physical problems that come with illness, disease, or disability. And if you and your loved one get lost in your emotional differences, if hurt, sorrow, anger, or despair get in the way, you won’t find solutions to those problems.

In practical terms, this means the fastest way to to fix an emotional problem between you and your loved one is often to figure out a way to better help manage a physical problem.

Do you want an example of this strategy? Your mother has an emotional meltdown every time you drive her to the grocery store on Friday afternoon, after you come home from work. Why? You’ve scheduled the shopping trip at the end of your busy day, when it’s convenient for you. But is that what’s best for your mother? At the end of the day, she is exhausted from coping with her physical limitations, so her energy level is low. On Friday afternoons, the grocery store is packed with people. What is it like for someone who is already struggling to function physically to have to continually navigate around all the people in the crowded grocery store? If you take your mother to the grocery store at a time of day when she has the most energy and the store is not crowded, do you think she’ll be as frustrated?

And what role do you play in your mother’s emotional meltdown? If you’re rushing to get home and start the weekend after a grueling week at work, do you think your anxiety and impatience will help or hinder your loved one? Can you see how that works? In essence, you’re actually feeding your mother’s emotional meltdown by asking her to function in an environment that is hostile to her physical limitations. Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this.... By analyzing the problem in depth and understanding what your loved one is going through, you are applying tangible and realistic solutions to the problem.

If you’re feeling guilty at this point, let it go. We all learn our lessons as caregivers, some of us the hard way. I got my fanny kicked more than once by one very unhappy mother. Over time, I came to appreciate that the only solution in every case was to fix her problems, so they wouldn’t become my problems.

Some family caregivers carry with them a sense of survivor’s guilt, the misery loves company school of thought. It’s that belief that you should suffer along with your loved one, as a show of unity. What often happens in that case is that the person who needs care winds up not getting what’s needed and you wind up being a complete basket case. Your tangled emotions as a caregiver will trip you up. Pity can kill patients with an overabundance of well-meaning kindness. Your mental and emotional clarity as a caregiver is critical in helping your loved one. You need to function efficiently and effectively, and if you’re dealing with your own issues, these will get in the way of providing good care.

Think of it in a practical way. You’re on a ship that has a hole in the bow, and every time a wave rolls in, water enters through it. Your loved one has limited swimming skills. Do you wait for the ship to fill with water and sink or do you start bailing the water and patching the bow? Helping your loved one adapt to health challenges and minimizing the impact of needing care in meaningful ways preserve personal dignity, self-autonomy, and self-respect.

That’s often easier said than done. When we are family caregivers, we don’t work for strangers. We take care of people we love, and our desire to show our support is complicated by tugs on our heartstrings from many directions. We often have to step back, look at the facts of the situation and put all that emotion on the back burner. Why? Our loved ones are counting on us to take care of them when they are at their most vulnerable. They can’t afford to have us fall apart. If we crash and burn, who will they rely on?

There are three important rules for good family care:

1. Love is never enough. You can love someone utterly and completely, but without the right tools and education, you can fail as a caregiver.

2. You have to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of your loved one. If you fail, there will be two people who need a caregiver—you and your loved one.

3. What you don't know or understand can hurt you and your loved one—when you learn about what ails your loved one, you can also learn about what will make care better.

Chapter One—Logistics for Family Caregiving

Ditsy Donna wanders into Mama’s bedroom at quarter to nine in the morning to take her mother to the doctor’s for a nine o’clock appointment. Mama’s still not dressed because she can’t button her own blouse or put on her own shoes, thanks to the neuropathy in her hands and feet. Already tense, she chides her daughter for her lackadaisical attitude, but Ditsy Donna waves her off, even as Mama’s blood pressure begins to rise. It’s going to be a long day....

Determined Diane shows up in Mama’s bedroom at quarter after eight in the morning to prepare her mother for a nine o’clock doctor’s appointment. She asks her mother what she can do to help her get ready. Mama’s shoes have elastic laces, so she can slip her feet into them easily. She wears a pretty