Parting: A Handbook for Spiritual Care Near the End of Life

By Alvin B. Tillery, Jr. and Jann Aldredge-Clanton

At times we may be called to be companions on a journey we would rather not take--the journey of a loved one toward the end of life. For those who choose to serve as close companions of terminally ill relatives or friends, Parting offers the collective wisdom of people from many cultures and faith traditions as a "travel guide" for meaningful companionship--helping someone toward a peaceful transition from this life. Sections of the book discuss how to cross the bridge from ordinary conversation to spiritual reflection; how to provide comforts for the body, mind, and soul; and how to care for yourself while concentrating on the needs of another. Transcending any specific religion or culture, this handbook addresses universal spiritual needs.

Designed for easy reading by weary travelers, this practical, pocket-sized guide prepares the spiritual companion for an enriching experience, even on the journey toward life's end. It is an indispensable tool for family members and friends, hospice workers, religious leaders, counselors, and medical providers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: The University of North Carolina Press
• Release date: Nov 30, 2009
• ISBN: 9780807867693

Alvin B. Tillery, Jr.

Jennifer Sutton Holder is geriatrics chaplain at Baylor University Medical Center and serves as clergy in the Episcopal Diocese of Dallas.

Book preview

Parting

Published in association with the Foundation for End-of-Life Care and the P. L. Dodge Foundation

Parting

A HANDBOOK FOR SPIRITUAL CARE NEAR THE END OF LIFE

JENNIFER SUTTON HOLDER & JANN ALDREDGE-CLANTON

The University of North Carolina Press

Chapel Hill and London

© 2004

The University of North Carolina Press

All rights reserved

Manufactured in the United States of America

Set in Minion by Eric M. Brooks

The paper in this book meets the guidelines for

permanence and durability of the Committee on

Production Guidelines for Book Longevity of the

Council on Library Resources.

Library of Congress

Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Holder, Jennifer Sutton.

Parting: a handbook for spiritual care near

the end of life / Jennifer Sutton Holder and

Jann Aldredge-Clanton.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-8078-5529-4 (pbk.: alk. paper)

1. Death. 2. Spiritual life. I. Aldredge-Clanton,

Jann, 1946- II. Title.

BD444.H58   2004

155.9’37—DC22   2003021553

12 11 10 09 08 6 5 4 3 2

Contents

Foreword by J. Richard Williams, M.D.

Acknowledgments

Introduction by Larry R. Churchill, Ph.D.

1 Setting Out

Offering Spiritual Companionship

Itineraries: Stops on Spiritual Journeys

Two Levels of Needs: Physical and Spiritual

2 A Personal Journey

Companions Welcome

Packing for the Road Ahead

Presence

Listening

Acceptance

Candor

Patience

Advocacy

Humor

Courage

Dependability

Hope

Creativity

Sensitivity

Curiosity

Time

Crossing the Bridge

Coming Closer

Spiritual Conversation Starters

3 Spiritual Scenery

Life Review

Journaling

Artistry

Ethical Wills

I’ve Always Wanted to ...

Reunions and Gatherings

Rituals

Personal Rituals

Centering Prayer

Simple Rituals

Ceremonies

4 For Weary Travelers

Comforts for the Dying

Touch

The Furry Touch

Tips for Touching

Sight

In the Looking Glass

Guided Imagery

Sound

Speech

Music

Taste and Smell

Flavors

Aromas

Comfort from a Distance

Companion Comforts

Accepting Limits

Mini-Breaks

Food and Exercise

Sharing the Burden

Accepting Help

Utilizing Volunteers

Professional Help

Giving and Receiving Care

Guilt and Resentment

Realistic Expectations

Easing Up

Honesty

Trouble along the Road

5 Parting Ways

Unpacking Life’s Baggage

Giving Permission to Go

Reconciliation

Holy Silence

Suspending Disbelief

Letting Go

Saying Goodbye

Love and Tears

A Child’s Goodbye

Dying Alone

Safe Passage

A Sacred Journey

Unpredictable Timing

Comforting Arms

6 Coming Home

Foreword

This handbook seeks specifically to assist anyone who chooses to serve as a close companion for a terminally ill relative or friend. These companions are truly the unsung heroes of end-of-life care. Our hope is that the handbook will teach them how to include spiritual care in companionship.

What do we mean by spiritual care? Spiritual care for the purpose of this handbook is soul care, helping the human spirit in its search for peace. It is the attempt to help those near the end of life feel whole, fulfilled, and in harmony with their world and their higher power. Religious experience may or may not be spiritual, and spiritual experience may or may not be religious. Regardless of the dying person’s religious persuasion or faith tradition, spiritual care near the end of life supplies a deep human need.

The handbook is the result of many months of vision, inspiration, dedication, and hard work. It reflects insights gained from numerous interviews with persons who have accompanied others at the end of life: hospice professionals, nurses, physicians, and other health care-givers; ministers of many faiths; friends and family. We also interviewed men and women as they approached death. From a rabbi, to a priest, to a Muslim imam, to a native American spiritual leader, to a practitioner of Christian Science, and to many others we went, researching this handbook.

The time leading up to conducting the interviews was consumed by conversations between Dr. Larry Churchill and me. We were joined later by Rev. Luther Jones. These conversations focused upon our deep concerns that there were large numbers of people dying every day with unmet spiritual needs, and that it was their closest companions who seemed to be in the best position to meet those needs. During this period the vision for the handbook crystallized, along with a plan to use interviews as the basis for its content.

In an effort to identify the ideal authors, I sought guidance from Travis Maxwell, whom I remembered as chaplain on the oncology unit at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas when I practiced there in the 1970s and 1980s. Travis delivered pastoral care and spiritual care to critically ill patients and families with effectiveness and skill, a highly valued member of the caregiving team on the unit. It was Travis who led us to the handbook’s authors, Jennifer Sutton Holder and Jann Aldredge-Clanton. I want to express my sincere appreciation to them and to all of those persons along the way who, through numerous excited conversations, gave inspiration and encouragement to this effort.

It is not my intention to dedicate this work to any specific person or persons, other than those countless personal companions who have taken care of a terminally ill relative or friend, especially those who have encountered and addressed an unmet spiritual need in the final journey of life. I would, however, like to mention my mother, Annie Laurie Beckham Williams, and mother-in-law, Rosalind Repp Jennings, both of whom served with compassion and skill as spiritual companions for their husbands.

J. Richard Williams, M.D., Chairman and President Foundation for End-of-Life Care

Acknowledgments

The authors would like to thank the following individuals who offered their time and insight during interviews for this book: Rev. Joe Davis; Rev. Thom McLeod; Rev. Harold