1916 and All That: A History of Ireland from Back Then Until Right Now

By C.M. Boylan

An irreverent, vibrant, satirical, and largely untrue history of IrelandIrish history started when people arrived on the island. At least, that is when history really got going. Before that things were rather quiet . . . So begins C.M. Boylan's wonderfully irreverent take on the history of Ireland. It will take readers from the "Age of the Third Best Metal" through the struggles of Wolfe Tone (Ireland's best-named revolutionary) right through the Celtic Tiger years, when there was pancetta and rubies for all. And then on to the present day, when there are fewer rubies. Along the way, this history is not afraid to ask the hard questions, such as: Why were walls so important for the Normans? Can you describe and explain Limerick? Is your mother enjoying the Boom this weather? This book is a journey in itself, taking its lucky readers through the long and winding valley of history, and into the bright ocean of the future, right up to the point where the history ends.

• Language: English
• Publisher: The History Press
• Release date: May 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9780752488219

Book preview

CONTENTS

SHORT INTRODUCTION

The word ‘historiography’ can be defined as all the accumulated writings on a topic of history. The historiography of Henry VIII’s reign, for instance, is all the books and articles that have been written about Henry VIII’s time as king. This body of work will include any number of controversies and disagreements between scholars of Henry VIII as to what he said, what he did, what he meant by what he said, what he meant to say he did and what he said he meant to do.

I mention historiography, firstly, and most importantly, to sound intelligent. I mention historiography, secondly, and quite importantly, to explain that I will not be drawing upon the historiography of Irish historical happenings. This is because this is not an ‘academic history’. Academic histories habitually make use of historiography, which they like to point out in footnotes. Footnotes are references to the work of other historians whose writings you are ‘citing’, ‘drawing upon’, ‘employing to enhance your own argument’ or ‘stealing’. This is an example of an academic footnote.¹ Aside from ignoring the historiography and excluding footnotes, there is one other way in which this book differentiates itself from academic history: its wholesale neglect of what are commonly called ‘facts’. These are considered important by academic historians, who spend minutes and even hours looking for them in old letters, manuscripts, diaries, books and Google. In this account, where any facts appear, they occupy the status of happy accidents or nice surprises.

The Irish have been noted for their obsession with their own history. Some say the Irish are obsessed with their history because they have had such a bad one; others because the Irish mind inclines towards narrative; others still because as islanders we are naturally insular and vain. I won’t be drawn on this topic, but I’m sure you have your own opinion on the matter. Which brings me to one final point in this short introduction: if I unintentionally express any ‘opinion’ in this history, it is, just like the joyous coincidence that I may recount any facts, an inadvertent accident.

I sincerely hope that, like most history books, this one helps you to understand fleetingly and forget instantly everything that you read.

C.M. Boylan, 2012

Note

1  For a detailed account of this argument see Sellars & Yeatman et. al., op. cit, 1066 & All That (London: Methuen, 1930) 812th edition, ibid., pp 1-1,003.

1

SETTLING EARLY

Irish history started when people arrived on the island. At least, that is when history really got going. Before that things were rather quiet: mountains rose groaning from the ground, rivers carved long, deep valleys, and trees peacefully spread their roots and branches. The first people, or ‘earliest settlers’ as they are sometimes known, came from Continental Europe to disturb this calm. They were Stone Age people, so named because they adored stone. They made everything from stone – or ‘flint’ as it was known at the time – even their shoes and clothes. As a result, they rarely had good posture.

These earliest settlers arrived a very long time ago, before the wheel was invented and long, long before pillowcases. Eventually, they began to farm, which was much less taxing than spearing berries and gathering boar, and they settled into communities.

Aside from farming, their favourite activity was building tombs; in particular, megalithic tombs such as court cairns, portal dolmens and passage tombs. These were often large, impressive and, perhaps unsurprisingly, stone based. Tomb-building was nothing short of a mania and eventually the tombs vastly outnumbered the amount of available dead. It was therefore agreed to bury much-loved household pets in the superfluous tombs, leading to entire portal dolmens housing the bones of a single ungrateful cat.

The most famous of all ancient Irish tombs is the narrow passage tomb at Newgrange in County Meath, which proves beyond doubt that claustrophobia did not exist in 3200 BC but is an entirely modern ailment. About 200,000 tonnes of stone were used during the construction of Newgrange, begging the question: what were they thinking?