The fear in me

By Zondra Aceman

Nay has for years had a crush on her friend Tim, but he has shown no interest in her. Everything changes one day when a new boy moves into the house next door. Although he is very withdrawn and dismissive Nay feels attracted to him. In confusion she wonders how that fellow has so quickly conquered her heart. And why is Tim just now trying to get close to her when she is no longer sure what she really feels for him?
Jason wants only one thing: to be left alone! Just the thought of the slightest touch is enough to make him break out in sweat, so he has developed many defence mechanisms. Till now no psychologist has been able to help him overcome his fears. So why should that saucy new girl next door get involved with him? And why does he suddenly want to be “normal” at any price?
Just as the two of them are getting closer to each other despite the circumstances Jason is confronted with the true reasons for his fear, and memories of that change everything…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Books on Demand
• Release date: Jul 20, 2016
• ISBN: 9783741230691

Zondra Aceman

Zondra Aceman wurde als erstes Kind von drei Kindern geboren. Ihr wurde schnell bewusst, dass sie ein Händchen für kleine Kinder hat. Nicht verwunderlich also, dass sie ihren Berufswunsch danach prägte. Als Erzieherin ging es ihr in erster Linie darum, die Fantasie der Kinder zu wecken und zu erhalten. Angeregt durch die Kinder, startete sie zahllose Projekte und war ständig auf der Suche nach geeigneten Bilderbüchern, die ihre Arbeit unterstützen sollten. Dadurch inspiriert kamen ihr eigene Ideen und sie schrieb kleinere Geschichten, für ihre Projekte. Ein dreijähriger Aufenthalt in den USA gab ihr dann die nötige Zeit ihre Geschichten weiter zu vertiefen, und sie schrieb mehrere Bilderbücher und Kinder,- und Jugendromane. Zondra liebt es zu reisen, dort lässt sie sich immer wieder von den Mythen, Sagen und Legenden anderer Länder beflügeln.

Book preview

Give me your life! said Death.

If I give you my life, tell me, what will then be left to me?

Your death, said Death, and took the life.

Contents

Future

Nay

Jason

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Epilogue

Expressions of gratitude

Future

…With incredible speed the monster is beside us and grabbing at the face of the boy I love. Turn around and open your mouth! it commands, and to my horror I see that my beloved is obeying him.

He lets my hand go and without a word turns toward the monster. Now he will open his mouth. No! I scream, and I clutch him from behind. I pinch his hand, his arm, trying to get him to come out of his trance, but nothing happens. I kiss the back of his head and speak to him in the tongue of angels, but I am unsuccessful.

When at last the monster makes a noise, I just keep praying to Heaven and put my hands under the pullover of my boyfriend. There I claw into his skin. My hands go around his chest and I feel his regular heartbeat. I am terribly afraid, but I know I have no chance against that unnatural way of dying. I can do nothing ... and I feel helpless. But at the same time I get furious. But I do not stay that way for long, my rage turns into resignation. If he has to die, then he should take me with him, I think.

If I press myself very close to him – till we are one – we will perish together. That is what I want ... His heartbeat changes. Boom, boom, boom, boom, now it is throbbing loudly and quickly against my hand.

Is he afraid??

I’m with you! I whisper. Nobody can separate us. It’ll turn out well! I keep talking. Again I concentrate on his heart. My concentration is so strong that I have the feeling that our two hearts are beating in unison. Now we are one! Nobody can get between us. Never again, because we are together.

Only when his body collapses do I notice that that is not at all right. We are not one! No! There is only a beating heart there, and it does not belong to my sweetheart. Suddenly his heart is still. Absolutely still!

Nay

Wake up, sleepy head! an all too familiar voice bellows into my ear. I have just had dreams that circled around him, and here he is. When my eyes open, they wander to his attractive head. His mouth is twisted into a radiant smile. I see wonderful, even teeth set in a perfect mouth, and they make me sigh quietly. But before I linger at his mouth and run the risk of kissing him spontaneously, my gaze goes further, skilfully leaps across his attractive blue baby eyes that would again make me weak, and finally finish up at his hairdo. His blonde hair is again short.

He must have been at the barber’s yesterday. A pity! I prefer it when the hair is a bit wavy, because that flatters his whole face even more. Like a perfect picture frame for a perfect photo. Sigh!

However, he hates his curls! Unfortunately! Right through summer he let them grow and I thought he had at last realised that long hair suits him much better. Well, it seems I was wrong about that. As always when it is about him. At last I dare to make contact with his baby blues and competently suppress yet another sigh that is sneakily rising up in me. His eyes are beaming with visible amusement and mirror the friendship that surrounds us. The corners of his mouth are raised arrogantly and it looks as though he knows that for years I have felt more than friendship, and yet he would rather keep torturing me. And that in turn makes me mad as a hornet, because it reminds me of the day four years ago when I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I sigh in frustration and he laughs: Nay, I’m shocked you’re still lying in bed although you told me the day before yesterday how much you have to do before school starts! Yes, my excuses have been better at times. But quite honestly, if I see Tim once more with another girl on his arm, I’ll certainly start yelling.

I’m planning lots of things! After all, it’s our final year! I say loudly. The year in which everything is supposed to change and when you at last see me as a girl once more, and not just as a chum, I add as a thought.

Tim throws himself down next to me and hops sitting on the edge of the bed with an innocent look. What have you done wrong last year? Everything went well! You got a marvellous report-card; the final year will be a pushover for you! As always!

Without reacting to his words I toss of the duvet and crawl out of the other side of the bed. Perhaps today he’ll notice my cute short pyjamas with the little hearts on them (a homage to his hidden heart birthmark).

And my legs don’t look too bad at the moment and seem a lot longer and browner in this little piece.

Slowly, and I hope sexily, I walk around the bed and stand in front of him. Now at last I am taller than he is!

Tim gives me a leisurely once-over and stares at my body, and my blood starts pounding. When he reaches my eyes he looks befuddled. And I hold my breath and wait for a spontaneous declaration of love. Instead, he gives a short shake of his body, licks his lips, and then croaks: Come on, Nay, it’s our last weekend before the stress of school gets to us again.

That was not what I had hoped to hear, not in the slightest!

Let’s go to the cinema this evening, what do you say? I could contact Tanja and Kay, they’d be happy … he does on, while I am clenching my fists with frustration. We’ve seen so little of each other in the holidays! he bleats. That’s correct, but it wasn’t my fault! And so…? I ask sceptically because I know he would not go to the cinema by himself. What do you mean by ‘and so’?

I roll my eyes. Who’d come apart from Tanja and Kay? What’s the name of your latest conquest? Just so I don’t get the names mixed up. I mean, it’s be stupid if I said one of them incorrectly, wouldn’t it? I can’t keep up with all the girlfriends in your life.

He eyes me again and at first says nothing at all.

I haven’t a clue what he’s looking for in my face, but it makes me nervous that way he suddenly fixes on me. Finally he says with a grin: Maya! Ah …

Okay, enough! It’s good we’ve cleared that up, I interrupt him while my heart is breaking a tiny bit more.

Maya? That Maya! Marvellous!

Nay! Breakfast is ready! my mother calls out, and I’m relieved that now I have a plausible excuse to lick my wounds in peace.

What about this evening!? Tim asks, gets up from the edge of the bed and stands directly in front of me.

Now he is a full head taller than I am, and I take a close look at his muscular chest. The chest I have lain on a thousand times while we watched television in his or my bed. It has undergone an extreme change in recent years. Just like the boy who has wandered about in my dreams for years. He is definitely no longer a skinny beanstalk. No, he has become a man. Even if he is rather ignorant, arrogant, unromantic … Unfortunately I have to go, Nay. There’s something I want to do right now … he interrupts my thoughts.

Well, what about this evening?

I refrain from asking him if he’s going to meet Maya. Who knows, maybe he’s just dreamt of her the way I have of him, and now he simply must see her. But before that he has to pay a quick visit to his best female friend so he can annoy her again because four years ago she sent him of with a flea in the ear … Life is so unfair!

I’ll join you later in the cinema! I promise half-heartedly, and he beams at me happily. Tim Byron is sexy, but sooo frustrating!

And I can’t even avoid crossing his path, because from all eternity he has been living next to us on the left side.

A thousand times I have pondered on how I can get him to understand that we belong together. After all, I know everything about him. I mean, really everything! Here I’m talking especially of the heart birthmark on his left bum cheek.

How come I know that? Well, he showed it to me. Then we were both four years old.

My parents and his caught us playing little games of doctor-and-nurse in his room. After that we were never allowed to play together without a babysitter until we were old enough and our own sense of shame held us back from having another close look.

And then came that damned day that my heart wants above all to cancel out. If only there were a time machine.

I’d know immediately which moment of time I would delete, whether there is a butterfly-effect or not …

My mother calls me the second time and Tim sighs, "Listen – you could ring Tanja and drive with her and Kay.

I’ll go straight to the cinema, okay? We’ll meet there at our usual spot. What do you say?"

I nod and hope he can’t see how I’m trying to suppress my disappointment.

He bends down to me and presses a kiss onto my forehead, the way he always does. Then he leaves my room.

I take a deep breath and finally overcome the urge to break out in tears. Instead, I look at the left half of the house because that’s where Tim lives. I have a good view of his room because it is also on the upper floor. I don’t always like that, because I constantly see him there flaunting his conquests. I don’t understand why he never closes his curtains when he’s prancing about with girls. And he’s forever doing that.

And that reminds me of his latest achievement. Okay, it’s Maya from the parallel class. Just great! Won’t he have won the lot of them soon? I wouldn’t have thought that there would still be some who have not been with Tim – except of course yours truly. It’s really enough to make me howl …

Sadly I go to my wardrobe and grab the very first thing that comes into my hands. I’m not a follower of fashion, I have a practical bent! Of course I sometimes make myself especially chic, but there has to be a special occasion for that. There’s nothing worse for me than wasting a day in front of a mirror. Slowly I get dressed, meanwhile looking through my window at the street. All the houses here look alike, the front gardens too … as though copied and inserted a hundred times. The estate was established twenty years ago and I’ve always known most of the families here. That’s all certain and familiar.

A furniture truck is parked in front of the house on the right. The old neighbours were rather strange people, so I’m not sad that they’ve left. The wife was a loudmouth, constantly ranting, and had at least 20 cats in the flat.

On the other hand the husband was always ogling me as though he wanted to undress me.

A few times I even had the feeling he was observing me through his telescope. As a result for months afterwards I kept my curtains drawn on that side. After the two of them had left I opened them up again at last.

Now I can see the sun from my three windows at the time. Wonderful! I just hope the new neighbours are not so curious and always staring this way, so I can keep enjoying the sun and don’t have to cut it of by my curtains.

I run down the steps and dart into the kitchen. My mother has baked pancakes. Straight away my mood brightens and the worries about Tim disappear for a while into a little chamber at the back of my mind. I grab a pancake, roll it, and with a sigh take a bite.

Did you sleep well? my mother laughs.

Mmh! I answer; you shouldn’t talk with a full mouth.

We’ve got new neighbours. I’d like you to introduce yourself immediately. You can take bread and salt with you.

I gobble my pancake and allow myself a mouthful of cocoa while I look at my mother in surprise. And what about you?

I ask.

I’ve already introduced myself. I asked if they need help.

So? What are the new people like? I’ll try to find out.

No peeping toms, please!

They’re really quite nice. Mr. Sommer is a grumpy type, but he has a fond, likeable manner. The impression he makes is that he’d do anything for his family. And his wife is, like all mothers, always worrying. They’ve got a son. I got just a glimpse of him while he was walking up the steps with a box. When he spoke to his mother and used her first name, I was at first surprised, but then she explained she’s only Jason’s foster mother. That’s the boy’s name. To judge by what she said he’s a young man shut up in himself who has a lot of trouble in making friends. She seemed rather sad about it. I didn’t want to seem too curious, so I didn’t ask further. At least I thought it would be nice if you took him to school on Monday? And perhaps you could simply introduce yourself right away? It would be great if he already got to know somebody. And introduce him to Tim – what do you think?

No problem. How old is he?

He’s of the same age as you! Next summer he’ll do his final exams with you.

Has he got a car? Then he can take it in turns to drive.

I’ve got no idea, we didn’t talk about that. What about Tim’s driver’s licence? Didn’t he have his practical test last week?

"He failed it! Of course it wasn’t his fault. Somebody or other took away his right of way …" I roll my eyes.

You know Tim, he has his own way of looking at things … My mother gives a knowing grin.

Jason

The first thing I see is the magazine that a furniture remova-list must have left lying in my room. A grinning brunette is looking at me. She looks a fun-loving type. In my life there’s nothing to make me laugh. I really do not know if I’m alive or whether I simply exist to torture myself.

Why my foster parents don’t see in me a freak I cannot understand. And I am one – quite definitely.

I have no friends and never did have any. And I don’t want any, because they wouldn’t understand my distance.

Loneliness is my existence. Music, the weight bench, and jogging are my only passions.

Who would be willing to accept a boy like me?

Well, I can only say – the Sommers! They even accept that I don’t want to be touched, they leave me in peace and expect nothing of me.

Perhaps they guess deep in their hearts that I’m mad! It’s strange that despite that they treat me as their own son.

It’s still something I can’t understand that eleven years ago the Sommers accepted me and straight away understood how they had to handle me. I know it has nothing to do with the money I have inherited from my dead parents, because they’ve never asked whether they could take some of it. On the contrary, it’s never spoken about.

Todd, my foster father, is rather reserved. He himself had a difficult childhood and probably for that reason he understands my attitude and accepts that I totally avoid bodily contact. He is nice and helpful, but at a distance.

I’ve overheard conversations he’s had with his wife Sharon, and they showed me that his opinion is that I was mistreated as a child, and because he had the same fate he takes special care to wake up in me a sort of basic trust. He wants me to have a chance to make something of my life so as to forget the past. But really I haven’t the faintest clue exactly what happened. I’m not sure I want to remember anything at all.

To judge by my dreams I must have gone through something bad. But maybe I’m just completely mad!

As far back as I can think psychologists have been a part of my life, all of them have squeezed me dry and tried to establish what sort of trauma I have suffered.

It’s probably something remarkable when a boy all wrapped up like a mummy shows up and feels a crazy panic at the very idea of any bodily contact at all.

The psychologists explain that I have an inexplicable deep-seated trauma … let them think what they like!

My feelings are at least hypersensitive. Are all mentally ill people so sensitive to other fates before they explode?

At least I have a gigantic antenna to pick up unhappy people.

Nobody can fool me! I feel sympathy for those looking for help.

For example, there was the woman in what used to be the house next to ours; who was abandoned by her husband and now has to bring up by herself the four children. Wow, how much I wished she would find a better man … as quickly as possible! The fellow had always been unfaithful to her and had no appreciation of her.

And then there was the girl in our old school who was always teased because she was so fat … she had a metabolic disorder and could do nothing about it.

Or the boy who was so aggressive that everybody stayed away from him, but he urgently needed friends because at home he was constantly abused. Unfortunately everyone saw his bruises as a result of his own violence. Nobody would have paid a visit to the father because he was a respected doctor and so could hide behind his own influence.

So many various ways of suffering and no end of them in sight. It’s a disgrace! But never would I let myself be dragged into any dramas. No!

Instead I lead my life and torture myself through each individual day.

Well, now I’m here. We’ve moved into a new town. Kiel.

Capital of the most northerly province Schleswig Holstein.

We’re living in an estate that has nothing distinctive about it, at least not on the outside. For sure the families here have their personal fates, but I have to be indifferent to them. On Monday I’m going to a new school and just the thought of it brings out pearls of sweat on my forehead. Sharon wants me to go with the neighbours’ daughter. I agreed. Of course I’ll do that, what else could I do. The crowded bus would be hellish, and I can’t ride a bike since my bike was recently pinched. So only the neighbours’ daughter is left to me. I can quickly make clear to her what I abominate, and if she doesn’t get the point then I’ll just jog to school. But I think she’ll understand me quickly.

Defence mechanisms are my specialty!

I’ve developed them in many variations. Girls don’t like unapproachable nutcases and soon leave you in peace if you completely ignore them. And that is good. I just hope she’s not one of those pitiable creatures who really need help themselves, because I couldn’t give her any.

The morning is zipping past. I’m just about to hang the rest of my clobber in the wardrobewhen there’s a knock on my door.

Yes, come in! I call out, thinking it’s Sharon. I keep unpacking and wait for her commentary. But it doesn’t come.

So she’s not talking! I think and keep packing my T-shirts into the shelf.

Hi! I suddenly hear an unknown voice and my heads turns in bafflement toward the door. A girl is standing there and looking at me. I’m so surprised that I say Hi! back to her. I’m really not the type that is easily impressed, but this girl has such an extremely positive aura that it sweeps me of my feet. I’m in a dither and blatantly gape at her.

Her hairdo is a dishevelled something held by pins, her dark blue eyes are full of life and are looking with curiosity at me.

I live in the house next-door. My name is Nasya … Nasya Norton, but my friends call me Nay, she chatters with a smile and her full lips pull upward and make visible a dimple which causes me to keep staring longer than I really want to. Do you know my room is also upstairs in the attic!? Just crazy! You can look straight at it! she goes on, then she seems to be expecting something or other.

I have a feeling it’s too hot for me. Maybe I’ve got a temperature? Shouldn’t I now introduce myself too? Is that what she’s waiting for?

I gulp three times, then I croak: My name’s Jason. Jason Rockefeller! Now she gives a loud laugh. It’s a devastating, natural laugh, and I’m immediately enchanted by her way of enjoying herself. Your mother has already revealed your name to me. She thinks I should lead you about a bit. Sort of sightseeing, she babbles on in an easygoing way. I’m absolutely speechless at her unselfconsciousness and for a few seconds my brain is totally out of action. But then I think of my plight. I’m disturbed! I’m not normal! I have to do something! Keep your distance, Jason! Distance!

Nasya, I don’t think I need a babysitter! I say at last, rather condescendingly.

Ah … I’m not a babysitter, only a tourist guide! Ahem, it’s Friday, our last weekend before the new school year. I can show you everything … I don’t mind, she announces visibly annoyed, and steps one pace closer, then another, as though she intends to place a hand on my shoulder to make clear her point of view.

My body reacts instantaneously and perceives the intruder in my body space. It suggests there is an unidentified danger closing in. Then my hands start to tremble uncontrollably and I quickly hide them behind my back. I know how insulting that must look to an outsider, but at this moment I don’t care. Nay’s eyes seem to be fastened on each of my movements, and when they reach my face it’s as though she’s looking directly into my soul.

I’m scared she’ll be contemptuous of the broken boy in me that she will find there, and I try to break of contact, but I cannot. Instead I notice she is coming yet another step closer. Now I could easily even touch her. A thousand alarm bells are screaming through my system, and with my increasing panic come the pictures that always sneak in when somebody pierces my intimate sphere.

I feel like a deer trapped in headlights and I can do nothing about it. Slowly, as in my dreams, the pictures line up and show me ghastly things:

Lifeless bodies, everywhere lifeless bloody bodies. They seem familiar to me, but I don’t know where I know them from. They are yelling my name with their dead mouths. Again and again they scream it out. Until at last they fall silent. Finally comes what always shocks me most: the corpses open their eyes, their eyeballs are white and dead – and yet they start to drag their bodies across the floor … closer and closer they come and I can’t move … I know I’m the next … soon … I have to defend myself, I have to … Run! somebody yells, but I can’t get away, I just stare at the bloodied bodies … And soon they’ll be here … only a few centimetres now … then they start burning … and drag themselves closer to me … I start yelling no … no …

Jason? I hear a worried voice, and the floodlight and that which is hidden in it as in some sort of film, goes out. Nay’s eyes close for a moment and I snap out of my trance and race back three, four steps.

Not interested! I want to carry on unpacking my stuff – and undisturbed, Well then … could you now leave me in peace? My voice sounds abrasive and cold. Nay looks disturbed. I can’t blame her for that. If I sink once more into her gaze I cannot guarantee what will happen. So I demand harshly:

"Leave my room! Now! At once!"

Oh … okay, she stutters and reaches for the door handle. Then she is gone.

I shake my head and exhale deeply. I had not at all noticed that I had been holding my breath, and I hear my heart beating right up into my throat. The horrible thoughts have vanished and a new, different feeling spreads through me. There’s a crazy prickling in my stomach and if I interpret it correctly it is something that at the moment I cannot cope with.

While I’m pondering on my new feelings and being both annoyed and astonished by them, my door opens up again a tiny bit and Nay’s head appears there.