Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain: Thru Love & Courage

By Sandy Brosam

Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain ~ Thru Love & Courage

Nobody wants to talk about death or illness.

Are you emotionally prepared to help others?

"Although this book was born from the pain of child loss, it is about grief support from any loss. We grieve differently from a loss of a friend, sibling, parent, relative, child, or pet. We are each individuals in our grief journey, but truly grief is grief. I give suggestions for supporting someone grieving a loss. There is no tape measure for pain, and my child loss is different from my pet loss, although after 15 years my dog was as much a family member as the rest of us. They both hurt my heart, in different ways, there is no comparison, it is the pain of grief. One loss is more painful, and harder to recover from, but in the end they are both part of my grief journey."

"Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain" is more than just a self-help book and unlike any other book on grieving you'll find in your local bookstore. It’s about how to help others who are dealing with a life threatening situation or death of a loved one. It is a guide on what to say and do to help others in that situation, and also what not to do.

This book is based on the experiences of the author, not an autobiography, but a peek into the pain of losing two children in very different ways. She lost her first son in a car accident, and then 8 years later her fourth son to cancer. Sandy Brosam gently guides the reader through the do’s and don'ts and explains briefly why.

Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain tells the emotional story of losing a child, then presents suggestions and ideas for helping others who may be experiencing a life threatening situation or death of a loved one.

Written from the heart with total candor this book empowers others to reach down into their souls and find the strength to help themselves and others. Augmented with letters of love from readers of the first edition and poems for solace, this enlightening guide demonstrates that pain is often beyond words, but never beyond love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sandy Brosam
• Release date: Aug 31, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301248759

Sandy Brosam

I was once asked “What is the hardest thing about being a mother?” I told her not being one...I have lived every parent’s worst fear twice, and learned to live with peace in my soul and allow joy and happiness back into my life.My first child died suddenly in a car accident, and my fourth child died eight years later from cancer.I was born in the desert of Arizona, but grew up in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest. Becoming an Author was not planned; it just came about as I went down my life path. I thought I was going to work in the local bank, have a couple of kids, and enjoy raising my family.~It was a simple dream that never quite became my reality~Becoming Bigger Than My Pain was born from my passion to help others with understanding and love. I am sharing a part of myself with everyone who reads this book. I hope this will bring about a better understanding of the pain and emotions that a family endures in the death of a child or loved one. My family and friends were all a huge part of my healing from Terry’s death, and with their love I was able to climb out of the darkness of depression, only to fall right back in when Brandon died.I was once again struggling to become bigger than my own pain.I chose to name the book “Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain” because truly it is not just my pain, or your pain, or their pain, it is OUR pain. And to work through the grief, one must become bigger.The pain will always be there, but with MUCH LOVE, and GREAT COURAGE, we can truly...BECOME BIGGER THAN OUR PAINAnd learn to live life again in our new tougher skin.Why did I write this book?In Brandon’s journey through cancer, and in his death, I was given the gift of love. Some people came into my life, who shared their love, and brought me a little bit of sunshine when I desperately needed it. It is to them that I dedicate this book, especially the Spokane Chapter of the Candlelighters, and Make-A-Wish Foundation of Washington State. I share my love with them as they share their love with others.The first printing of this book was 20 years ago, in 1989. It was written by hand, and then typed with a typewriter, long before laptops and PC’s. The manuscript was stored on the first type of “flimsy” that current computers cannot read. So I had to retype the entire manuscript into an electronic format, which was a huge emotional project. I asked a friend to type the parts that I was not editing or adding, to help shorten my time spent in the painful world I write about. I have kept the pages the same only making some parts of Brandon’s story flow better, and kept most of the hand drawn artwork the same. I have been asked if I would write the same book today, and I know I would not. I would try to soften the book; to ease the pain the reader may feel themselves in reading the book. What I did do, was to add some of the letters I received from readers and poems for solace.With this new edition of Love and Courage now titled~Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain ~I send hope, compassion, and gentle guidance to others and pay the love forward.

Book preview

This book was born from my pain, but written in love. I am sharing a part of myself with everyone who reads this book. I hope this will bring about a better understanding of the pain and emotions that a family endures in the death of a child.

My family and friends were all a huge part of my healing from Terry’s death, and with their love I was able to climb out of the darkness of depression, only to fall right back in when Brandon died.

In Brandon’s journey through cancer, and in his death, I was given the gift of love. Some people came into my life, who shared their love, and brought me a little bit of sunshine when I desperately needed it. It is to them that I dedicate this book, especially the Spokane Chapter of the Candlelighters (now known as American Childhood Cancer Organization Inland Northwest), and Make-A-Wish Foundation of Washington State. I share my love with them as they share their love with others.

Terry and Brandon,

I like to think of you as dancing on rainbows and playfully blowing gentle breezes through the trees— surrounded by the love of the entire universe, for eternity. In my heart I feel you have learned the lessons in life you were sent to learn, and are allowed to continue your journey through eternal time. Mama

The first printing of Love and Courage was in 1989. Now twenty years later Sandy has released the second edition complete with letters of love from readers and poems for solace. The title was changed to Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain – Thru Love & Courage as truly this is what we all strive to do in our daily lives.

Forward

Doug Clark of The Spokesman Review,

Spokane, WA 6/8/89.

A mother writes about love, loss, living with pain.

Sandy Brosam has seen the belly of the beast. She’s watched lightning strike twice; she’s known the depth and the breadth of every parent’s worst fear.

Yet, somehow, this 30-year old Colville woman has managed to rise above the cruel circumstances fate dished her way.

And she’d like to tell you how. Today, Sandy Brosam is a bonafide author, having just released her first book, Love and Courage: Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain.

She doesn’t know if there will be a sequel and she sure doesn’t plan on making anybody’s best-seller list. But the 60 pages she published through a small print shop in her hometown contain some very powerful stuff.

I don’t know all the answers, says Sandy with an easy grin, but I do know this. Whatever happens to me, I can overcome it.

Sandy considers how that sounds and then adds an explanation. You can’t let fear and pain control your life. You have to feel it and experience it and then, and this is the hardest part, you have to let go.

Not an easy proposition, considering what Sandy has been through. In 1980, she lost her firstborn son, Terry, in an automobile accident. Sandy was driving and hit an improperly installed guardrail outside Colville. The metal pierced the car and killed her toddler instantly.

In addition, the tragedy spawned a lawsuit, years of guilt and grief and the eventual breakup of her marriage.

Sandy remarried and was beginning to heal when Brandon came along. My husband, Mark, told me not to worry, that we wouldn’t lose another, that God wouldn’t do that, says Sandy. And when Brandon was born I decided, yes, I could love again without being afraid.

But Brandon was born with a biological time bomb ticking away in his head. By the time the cancer was discovered, it proved more than modern medicine could deal with. For 55 straight days, Sandy lived with her infant son at Deaconess Medical Center.

There were two brain surgeries and chemotherapy and one crisis after another. Little Brandon racked up $200,000 in medical bills. Finally, nothing more could be done.

Last October, at 17 months, Brandon died and Sandy fell apart all over again.

This time, however, she began putting her emotions on paper. I had a lot of problems with insomnia, she says. "I’d wake up reliving everything; there were some very bad times in that hospital.

So I decided to get out of bed and write it all down.

To steal a line from her book, Sandy’s story was born of pain but written in love.

Love and Courage, in graphic terms, describes what it is like to lose a child. But it is also a primer for those of us who are tongue-tied when it comes to dealing with the tragedies around us.

Most people don’t know what to say, says Terry Carstensen, Vice-President of the Washington chapter of the Make-A-Wish Foundation of America. That’s why Sandy’s book is so valuable. She writes form the heart. She really, truly writes her perceptions and thoughts with total candor.

It was Terry who first suggested that Sandy turn the pages she had been writing into a book. The two formed a friendship when Make-A-Wish—which specializes in granting wishes to children with life-threatening illnesses—agreed to sponsor Brandon and his family for a trip to the Seattle Zoo.

Everyone knows someone who is experiencing grief, says Terry. Regardless of the loss, Sandy’s book applies well.

Included in the book is a list of well-intentioned remarks that should never be uttered such as: I just can’t believe it, How could this happen?, and the ever popular, God must have wanted him for something.

As Sandy writes, Many people, in their curiosity of what it would be like, ask very personal questions that are none of their business.

Good point. But along with the gentle scolding, Sandy offers plenty of valuable suggestions on how to give comfort to those who desperately need it.

People have a lot of love to give if they only know how to give it, she says, with another smile."

And if somebody like me doesn’t tell them what it’s like and what they can do, who will?"

.

Pain is often beyond words,

but never beyond love!

Terry caught bouncing the pool balls on the concrete floor…Not me!

Chapter One

COMMON MISTAKES & HOW THEY HURT

I am going to gently guide you through the don’ts first. I want these to become embedded in your mind. So in your frustration to help you don’t unconsciously blurt these out, for lack of anything else to say. Then I will go onto the things that truly do help, and give comfort to me. I hope this will help those who are in pain by giving some insight to those around them.

I also want to mention this fact: a severe illness or death of a child or loved one, affects the entire family! In an effort to keep things simple I will usually just mention the parents.

However please remember that grandparents, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc., are all affected. My parents not only had to endure the pain of losing grandchildren, they also had to watch me, their child, suffer greatly. So they, in effect had hurt times two. My brother, even after 20 years, is still unable to read past the first 2 pages in the first printing of Love and Courage, because it takes him right back to the pain he watched me go through. My husband has never opened the book, he lived it, doesn’t ever want to go back there again. To me the pain is like a campfire, it dies down to embers and ashes, until something or someone comes along and blows on the coals. Then the burning pain is back.

When my first child, Terry, died suddenly in a car accident, I was overcome with my grief.

When an accident happens, there has been no warning, or time to prepare you for what is to come. All I had to cling to was an extreme feeling of loss. I wanted to hold my son and rock him as I had done so many times before. My arms were empty and my son would never find comfort there again. Some parents say it feels like an arm or leg has been cut off. I felt like my heart had been broken in two.

I want to touch lightly on some of the stages that the parents and grandparents go through in their process of grieving. Remember that each person will react differently, for no two people grieve the same. The first stage is shock. Then come the other stages (or states of mind). Theses