This Child Is Innocent: My Journey Toward Forgiveness

By Nora Shipley

In her childhood, Nora Shipley was sexually abused by a family member. As an adult, still tormented by these events, she attended a thirty-day Ignatian retreat during which she kept an extensive and detailed journal. This Child Is Innocent traces the author’s personal journey toward forgiveness. From the vantage point of a grown woman’s struggle to find meaning and closure, the book presents Nora’s mature yet achingly innocent voice as she seeks and finds forgiveness through prayer, contemplation, and spiritual direction.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Word Alive Press
• Release date: Jul 21, 2014
• ISBN: 9781486605262

Book preview

L’Arche

Thank you to those who helped me see this project through:

to Elizabeth Falk who spent hours typing and editing my manuscript; to Les Kletke who listened to my story and gave me direction; to Paul Krahn who put it all together and whose advice and expertise were invaluable; to my parents (now deceased) who gave me the gift of faith; and last but not least, to my God who walked beside me through all the struggles and joys of my life. Even though I was not always aware of His presence, He never abandoned me.

What The Reader Should Know

The main emphasis of Nora Shipley’s Thirty-Day Ignatian Retreat, as recorded in her journal, was an ever-deepening identity with Jesus. The structure and content of this retreat is based on the ancient writings of Saint Ignatius of Loyola as outlined in numerous present day translations of The Spiritual Exercises. It should be noted that thirty days refers to retreat days, not calendar days.

The intent of This Child Is Innocent is not that the reader should use Nora Shipley’s journal as a workbook. It is her personal story of forgiveness in the process of having a relationship with Jesus, published as a source of motivation and encouragement toward healing for others who may have experienced the deep rooted and long lasting impact of sexual abuse as a part of their own life’s experience. While This Child Is Innocent may read like a story, broken up into days and hours and exercises, the discerning reader will want to know something about the nature of the Thirty Day Ignatian Retreat in order to enter with Nora Shipley into her experience.

The Spiritual Exercises by St. Ignatius first printed in 1548 is comprised of a set of systematic meditations, prayers, and various other mental exercises. An Ignatian retreat based on this text should only be undertaken under the supervision of a spiritual director. One such text used by Nora Shipley with her SD is Daniel L. Fleming’s, Draw Me Into Your Friendship, The Spiritual Exercises, published in 1996; another is The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius Translated by Anthony Mottola, PhD. published in 1964.

The following paragraphs are taken from the translation of The Exercises by Anthony Mottola:

For an understanding of the Exercises it will help to have clearly in mind their general outline. They are divided into four weeks of meditations, but the term week is flexible; they may last more than a month; on the other hand, they are often reduced to eight days, as in the case of the annual retreat for religious men and women. The first week corresponds roughly to what is called the purgative way in the spiritual life; i.e., it is devoted to purifying the soul and putting one’s life in order. In the second and third weeks the meditations are mostly drawn from the public life and Passion of Christ, and in the fourth week from His risen life. The Exercises open with a consideration of the principle and foundation on which all else is to rest, which is to put all else in perspective, namely: what is man’s final end? Having thus gone to the heart of the matter, man’s absolute dependence on God, Ignatius proceeds to outline meditations for four weeks of the Exercises. The aim of the meditations of the first week is to arouse sorrow and contrition in the one making the Exercises as he reflects on the disorder of his life, his sins, and how he has failed to move effectively toward his final end. For this purpose Ignatius sets down for this week meditation on the sin of Adam and Eve, of the angels, on man’s personal sins, death, hell, and so on. This week is designed to purify the soul, root out inordinate attachments to creatures, and enable one to amend his life through grateful love and surrender to Christ the Redeemer. With these dispositions of soul, one is prepared to undertake the second week of the Exercises or retreat.

The aim of the second week is to persuade the exercitant to an interior knowledge and love of the person of Jesus Christ, so that he may adapt his life to the model, identify himself with Christ as the concrete norm of Christian perfection. This assimilation to Christ is brought about by a series of meditations on His private and public life, and by the four key meditations on the Kingdom, the Two Standards, and Three Classes of Men, and the Three Modes of Humility. The Kingdom meditation is designed to arouse the greatest enthusiasm for close following of Christ in poverty and humility, conquering the obstacles to His Kingdom in one’s own soul and preparing for the Apostolate. The meditation on the Two Standards examines Satan’s ruses and Christ’s plan for the world and is aimed at a decision which the exercitant is to make: the following of Christ in service to the Church, with discretion and a knowledge of the devices Satan uses to draw men away from Christ. The meditation on the Three Classes of Men is intended to free the will from the psychological obstacles and illusions which would prevent a generous decision to follow Christ intimately. The meditation on the Three Modes of Humility, or subjection to God, is intended to purify the heart in the highest degree and form an attachment to perfection that will lead the exercitant to choose only that which best leads to his final end, the possession of God. It is a description of what it means to follow the Cross.

The third week of the Exercises is concerned with the Passion of our Lord and is intended to confirm the exercitant in the options he has taken to follow Christ more closely by increasing his grateful love for Christ and his sorrow for his sins through study of Christ’s sufferings.

The fourth week of the Exercises develops meditations on the Risen Life of Christ and is intended to engender unselfish love, joy in Christ’s glory, and an unchanging trust in Christ the Consoler.

Crowning the whole work of the Exercises is the Contemplation to Obtain Love, which synthesizes the movement of the four weeks so that one lives one’s life exclusively for God in joyous service, finding Him in all things and all things in Him. The cycle of the Exercises is now completed; the assimilation of the soul to God, it is hoped, is final, and the soul is fixed in a permanent state of divine consolation, given wholly over to His love and service. (pp. 14–15)

Additionally, the following paragraph excerpts are taken from, Draw Me Into Your Friendship, The Spiritual Exercises as translated by David L. Fleming. S.J.:

The phrase ‘spiritual exercises’ takes in all the formal ways we have of making contact with God . . . We are familiar with the great variety of physical exercises . . . in general for the overall good health of the body. So, too, what we call spiritual exercises are good for increasing openness to the movement of the Holy Spirit, for helping to bring to light the . . . sinful tendencies within ourselves, and for strengthening and supporting us in the effort to respond ever more faithfully to the love of God. (p. 5)

The makeup of the Exercises is rather simple. The basic division is into four parts, called ‘weeks,’ although there are no fixed number of days within these respective ‘weeks.’ The first week is set in the context of God’s creative love, its rejection by each of us through sin, and God’s reconciling mercy in Jesus. The second week centers on the life of Jesus, from its beginnings through his public ministry. The third week fixes upon that very special time in Jesus’ life—his passion, crucifixion, and death. The fourth week considers the risen Christ and the world, which has been renewed in his victory. (p. 7)

Ignatius would have the director first prepare the retreatant to become reflective about God’s presence or absence in the events of one’s daily life. And so he presents first a way of making an examination of conscience, not just in terms of preparing ourselves for the sacrament of reconciliation, but a daily practice, which today we have identified as a consciousness examen or an awareness examen. Since a reflective awareness is necessary for anyone making the Exercises, an understanding of this exercise has its primary importance right from the beginning of the retreat. The examen also remains the central exercise in an Ignatian spirituality of finding God in all things. . . . Within the retreat, this examination of conscience is not so much aimed at reviewing the areas of sinfulness, but rather at the fulfillment of all those aids of position, recollection, environment, and so on, which are meant to integrate my day, more wholly fixing it on God. (p. 29)

The usual prayer pattern consists of five formal prayer periods of one hour each. Two presentations of matter are given—in the first and second exercises. The remaining three periods of prayer are meant to be less demanding of thought, simpler and quieter, and a deepening of what has moved me. The last or fifth period of prayer (sometimes referred to as an application of senses) is meant to be least cognitive; it is an attempt to let all that has been my experience in the previous prayer periods pour over me once again in one summarizing and totalizing felt response, from the midst of which I can speak to my God. (p. 61)

Fleming’s book also outlines in detail three methods of praying:

The First Method of Praying: The first method of praying deals with the matter of the ten commandments, or the seven deadly sins, or the three powers of the soul, or the five senses of the body. (p. 185)

The Second Method of Praying: The second method of praying involves a ruminating upon the meaning of each word or phrase which forms part of a traditional prayer formula. (p. 191)

The Third Method of Praying: The third method of praying consists in our making use of a certain rhythmical flow in its expression. (p. 195)

Colloquy

Vital to an understanding of prayer as demonstrated by Nora Shipley in This Child is Innocent is this definition of colloquy from the translated text by Fleming:

‘Colloquy’ is a term that describes the intimate conversation between God the Father and me, Christ and me, or perhaps Mary or one of the saints and me. This conversation happens on the occasion of my putting myself as totally as I can into the setting of the prayer. I will find that I speak or listen as God’s Spirit moves me—sometimes accusing myself as a sinner, sometimes letting myself be carried as a child, at other times expressing myself as lover or friend, and so on. A colloquy does not take place at a particular time within the period of prayer; it happens as I am moved to respond within the setting of the exercise. It is true that I should mark the actual end of the hour of prayer with a definite closure—usually the Our Father or some favorite prayer is a reverent way of my bringing an end to a formal prayer period. (p. 49)

Finally, the following paragraphs represent an introduction to contemplation or prayer of the imagination as taken from: The Ignatian Adventure by Kevin O’Brien, S.J.:

Ignatius was convinced that God can speak to us as surely through our imagination as through our thoughts and memories. In the Ignatian tradition, praying with the imagination is called contemplation. In the Exercises, contemplation is a very active way of praying that engages the mind and heart and stirs up thoughts and emotions. (Note that in other spiritual traditions, contemplation has quite a different meaning: it refers to a way of praying that frees the mind of all thoughts and images.)

Ignatian contemplation is suited especially for the Gospels. In the Second Week of the Exercises, we accompany Jesus through his life by imagining scenes from the Gospel stories. Let the events of Jesus’ life be present to you right now. Visualize the event as if you were making a movie. Pay attention to the details: sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and feelings of the event. Lose yourself in the story; don’t worry if your imagination is running too wild. At some point, place yourself in the scene.

Contemplating a Gospel scene is not simply remembering it or going back in time. Through the act of contemplation, the Holy Spirit makes present a mystery of Jesus’ life in a way that is meaningful for you now. Use your imagination to dig deeper into the story so that God may communicate with you in a personal, evocative way.

Citation of specific exercises by number are sometimes noted in Nora Shipley’s written journal, but were not always identified by other headings.

In some instances, to assist the reader, the complete scripture texts that were used for contemplation are included.

Please note that all biblical quotes are taken from the New American Bible.

ANIMA CHRISTI

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.

Body of Christ, save me.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me.

Water from the side of Christ, wash me.

Passion of Christ, strengthen me.

O good Jesu, hear me;

Within Thy wounds hide me;

Suffer me not to be separated from Thee;

From the malignant enemy defend me;

In the hour of my death call me,

And bid me come to Thee,

That with Thy saints I may praise Thee

For ever and ever. Amen.

Prologue

I don’t remember when it began nor do I remember when it ended. The abuse I suffered at the hands of an older brother was a dark secret that I tried to bury; something I felt guilty about, something that made me feel shameful, dirty and disgusted. I don’t even know how old I was when it happened but I’m certain that it ended before I reached puberty. I was the fifth of ten children—a middle child you might say. Lots of people. No one to talk to.

As a child, I always knew that God was close to me—‘The Lord is close to the down-hearted.’ There were moments when I felt washed in His love—and I’m sure this knowledge is what carried me through.

Apart from this terrible secret I suppose I lived a relatively normal life, leaving the farm at eighteen,