Within My Mind

By Bradley Underhill

Caleum is your average infantry soldier. His life takes a quick descent after his chain of command decide it best for him to retrieve the aid of psychologist. Caleum is then set on a personal mission for answers, whilst at war with his greatest enemy, his mind.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bradley Underhill
• Release date: Feb 2, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524254193

Book preview

Dedicated to my crazy sister

Nicole Suzanne Underhill

for showing me the beauty of words on a page.

I sat within a room of beige brick, I couldn't help wonder how long this building had been here. I was within a military barracks of course, so I assume it had been around for a while... I chuckle to myself, being a soldier posted to this unit, I should probably know when the barracks was founded. I would never hear the end of it if someone knew I didn’t know. Oh well I never prided myself In text book knowledge, or any kind of knowledge for that matter.

This room, coupled with washed out colours and old brick was quite depressing. I found it ironic considering I was in a mental health clinic. To their credit, they tried there best to make me feel comfortable, I was welcomed at the door with a coffee and biscuits. the hospitality was nice, I appreciated that. I still resent why I am here though, I have always been a shy person, rather keep to myself then be the centre of attention, my chain of command felt I was under some emotional stress, that being the reason I didn't want to connect with people, so they organised a mandatory psych appointment. I keep to myself because I don't trust people. Not in a ‘woe is me I’m different’ kind of way. I just never allowed myself to become close to a person outside of my immediate family. People can be cruel, it is also impossible to tell what they are thinking, which is unsettling. I doubt that makes me mentally unstable, regardless, when the boss says jump! you know the rest.

Private Vahori, the doctor is ready for you.

I sneak a sigh here we go

CHAPTER ONE

Apparently I'm Crazy

My name is Caleum Vahori, first name private. I always liked that joke. I am your standard infantry soldier, although I have yet to see combat overseas, some may call that a blessing. Even though we are safest on our shores of beautiful Australia, if  you were to ask any other solider what their dream is, it is to be deployed. For me, I don't mind either way, I joined on impulse out of school as I felt I didn't have the grades to do anything else. Don't misunderstand me, soldiers aren't stupid... there are a few but you get those anywhere I guess. On the other end of the spectrum, there were grunts I had met with masters and various degrees in very impressive courses. Joining straight out of school I knew nothing other than military life, and me being a five foot and 11 inch human stick man meant that no-one had high expectations of me. Especially not as an infantry soldier. I always used that as fuel though, to run faster and carry heavier then the others, it hurt... Oh fuck did it hurt, but proving them wrong was the cure to the pain.

Although I had proven myself time and time again I was still mocked by the muscle heads  and alpha males, for having a skinny frame. The army drills team work into all of their soldiers heads, when it comes down to it we do pull through as a team, ninety nine percent of the time though, its a massive dick measuring contest. Thats fine, as it is a stressful job I have realised that, different people cope in different ways, for most its acting like the king pin, like they are invincible, as for me, I just keep quiet and do the job, my reward is doing the same thing as the beefed up men who doubt me.

I am a naturally anxious person always have been, always kept to myself and didn't go out of my way to be part of crowd. In the military this was almost unheard of, and yes, considered strange. although lately, my bosses feel like it is becoming mental health matter, they are talking about sending me to a psychologist.

I can’t understand why all of a sudden they feel its an issue that needs correcting, I mean I have been like this since I joined, and most of my life in fact. It got me thinking though. I was offered a deployment to Afghanistan last week, it fell through and I didn't end up going, not a complete loss I mean as any normal human being I was scared and hesitant, but I Assumed I would be fine, my emotions weren't going to stop me, after all thats one hell of pay check!

I know, wrong way to look at it.

I have been wondering, did they pull me out of the deployment due to this new found fear of my mental state, if so thats a disgusting misjudgement, I have seen people I legitimately think are either too crazy or stupid to fight a war successfully make it over seas, oh well, I try not to rack my brain with the thought.

Oi V, sorry man but you have been stabbed for a task Corporal Stephens said begrudgingly, No worries what do I have to do mate? I said

You gotta go take the duty vehicle to the wash bay and give it a scrub, the other lads are busy, so you'll have to do it by yourself, sorry again mate he said with sincerity in his eyes No worries I was getting bored of being relaxed anyway I said with a smile.

I didn't mind Corporal Stephens, he is a very experienced soldier with years of deployments and knowledge under his belt, so I didn't mind making his life easier by not arguing with him. Either way I would't dare talk back to him if he did piss me off, he was literally he-man, built like a skyscraper with a deep menacing voice to match. I swear if he wasn't in the army kicking ass