How Not To Speak Australian

By John Khalkho

An oath will grant you a citizenship but to become an Australian in the true sense, you have to imbibe the values, the beliefs and more importantly the culture of the nation. When you stand for everything, you stand for nothing at all. Multiculturalism as the word denotes is a perfect example of such a case. Time and again, multiculturalism gets precedence over the Australian culture when the government and some media try to appease people from different backgrounds and communities through various sponsored programs. Multiculturalism is a super efficient tool that promotes and celebrates the ethnic and cultural differences among the people of Australia but fails to assimilate them. Choosing to live in a locality consisting primarily of your own community, speaking garrulously in a language other than English in public space, being puritanical with your belief system are some of the things that have gained momentum in the last few years in Australia. We all become an accomplice when we place our vested interest before the interest of the nation. By not being true to the Australian way of life, we are contributing in our own way in annihilating the great Aussie culture. So how deeply are you involved in this national blasphemy? Have a look inside and decide for yourself. I have had my moments of quiet reflection and I am changing. Will You?

• Language: English
• Publisher: ReadOnTime BV
• Release date: Aug 21, 2015
• ISBN: 9781742845326

John Khalkho

John Khalkho was born in a town with a small population. After joining a convent, the only English school in his town, John soon started to share his desks with the best minds the world has ever witnessed. And this saga continued thereafter. After graduating from a Jesuit college with a Bachelor's degree in Chemistry, John went on to do his Masters in Management from India’s leading management Institute based in Mumbai. Having worked for more than a decade in Advertising, John finally decided to come to Australia to explore the land down under. Based in Sydney, John has been working in the education industry for more than 5 years and believes that there does not exist a more meaningful and noble profession than teaching and training. Empowering people with skills so that they can become knowledgeable, competitive and wise is the best thing you can do on planet earth. In the struggle for existence, people learn to survive but often fail to live. Today, life is taken a bit too seriously without any scope for fostering wit or humor. John believes that having a vision in life is absolutely mandatory but real visionaries enjoy the journey as much as the destination. After spending 4 years on the book, John makes his debut into the world of imagination manifested with the quill. And living his philosophy, he is determined to enjoy the journey and entertain the world.

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How Not to Speak Australian!

How Not to Speak Australian!

Copyright © 2015 John Khalkho

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

The information, views, opinions and visuals expressed in this publication are solely those of the author(s) and do not reflect those of the publisher. The publisher disclaims any liabilities or responsibilities whatsoever for any damages, libel or liabilities arising directly or indirectly from the contents of this publication.

A copy of this publication can be found in the National Library of Australia.

ISBN: 978-1-742845-22-7 (pbk.)

Published by Book Pal

www.bookpal.com.au

How Not to Speak Australian!

The world is a big laboratory and mere observation can earn you a doctorate in psychology.

– John Khalkho

To the stars

Vinay

Kohi

Kiara

Sara

Zhara

May you always shine and enlighten the world!

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Preface

Chapter 1:

The Genesis

– How it all began

Chapter 2:

Migrating Mammals

– In search of excellence!

Chapter 3:

Colonial Australia

– The Visionaries

Chapter 4:

Australian Alliance:

Do you speak English?

Chapter 5:

Keeping Australia Clean

– Dawdling with dirty feet!

Chapter 6:

Australian Rail

– Publics service to Public Convenience!

Chapter 7:

Dividing Australia into pieces

– My home away from home!

Chapter 8:

The many festivals of Australia

– Cultural porridge!

Chapter 9:

The multiple faces of Australia

– Living in a layered society!

Chapter 10:

Australian Policy Makers:

– The Parliamentary Cowboys!

Chapter 11:

Australians on the drive

– Road Etiquettes

Chapter 12:

The Australian connection:

– Hold the line please!

Chapter 13

The Australian Lotto

– Getting rich in a jiffy!

Chapter 14:

Speaking Australian

– The few good men!

This book is dedicated to all the soldiers.

You die hence we live!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The book started as a few scribbles while I waited patiently for my cup of tea. I knew for sure that they were more than just a few scrawls; they were a rough definition of an idea that would lead me to something big.

There have been many great people who have inspired me to be what I am today. While writing this book, I have often reflected on the memorable times I have had with them, in person or in spirit, because there are some I know personally and some, through their ideas and ideals, have created strong encryptions on my mind.

My friends have always stood beside me and extended their never-ending love and support and motivated me to do things that make me feel proud. I would like to thank Babar Khan, Maria, Sanjiv, Louella, Sarita, Jay and James for being extremely accessible and helpful, especially in times of need.

I would also like to offer a very special thanks to Debbie, Maria and the Bookpal Production team for helping me realize my dream of speaking to the world. But if there’s someone I will never be able to thank enough, those are my beautiful parents. My mum. My dad. With them around, I never find myself out of inspiration to go out and conquer the world.

PREFACE

The world is a big laboratory and mere observation can earn you a doctorate in psychology. And with the kind of media that is available to us 24/7, I have no qualms in saying that the entire world has changed its physiognomy to become an extremely entertaining reality show. Political parties, businesses, brands, and individuals all depend on the mercy of the little fingers of the masses that can change fates overnight. Change seems to have made its comeback vehemently and has a new turbo engine. Pleonastic attitudes have overshadowed personalities to become the new identity of a person. The world seems to be populated by the right now, right here generation who show little or no respect for wisdom, but are obsessed with self-portraits, often depicting a lack of real purpose in life. The world is full of wisdom, but the motivation in people to become knowledgeable seems to have disappeared like a vampire before sunrise. Planet earth has had many crusades right from the beginning of life and the profound tales of many wise men lie buried somewhere in a dark shelf of a dimly lit library, yearning to enlighten us.

It is believed that about 90% of people do not read a book beyond the first chapter and that’s a great abasement for many writers. Ever wondered why only a handful of movies made across the world go on to become huge hits? Communicating a good story in an even more interesting way is an art that is possessed by a few who manage to bring out a stunner even with the most boring plots. It’s a place where mathematics embraces art and works in tandem. Mathematics formulates the right flowchart and the right timings for specific points to be brought out, whereas art gives the right tone and feel to what’s being said or done so that the apt emotion is evoked and the reader or the viewer is glued to the story like a goods wagon strongly attached to the engine.

I still remember watching the movie "2012" in the theatre with great abeyance to see what this prophecy was all about and how the world that had stood its ground for so many years would suddenly have a fatal cascading effect. I got bereaved of the numerous other activities that I could have done outside lest I were not confined for three long hours within the precincts of four walls where my vexing voice was decimated by the clichés echoing in the hall. If not anything, I could have spent ten minutes talking to the homeless guy to find out what it is that gives him the inner strength to carry on, even when life seems to denude him of even the basic necessities. What is it that keeps him warm inside even on a stormy and chilly night when everyone is scurrying home to get under a duvet? There are many people who buy plenty of houses as if they were collecting pieces of art. Baring some, most of these properties become ghost houses - sometimes even annoying the ghosts who would yearn to be in the company of humans! If only they would give away a few to these homeless people and abet them with a dwelling, there would not be anyone left on the streets in the middle of a debilitating winter night.

Finding a good story beyond the genre of bloodsuckers & mommy porn is as good as defying the laws of gravitation or mutation. But with the growing concerns of global-warming and the pessimist’s view that the world is soon coming to an end, you will find a lot of things that defy the law of mutation. The law of mutation says that everything changes over a period of time. Specifically, the way social media has taken over, it looks like you will be condemned to eternal damnation if you are found guilty of not being a part of any of these so called social networks. It is the latest definition of antisocialism, and those who do not embrace the computer and convert their dynamic relationship from real to virtual will be deemed as committing sacrilege.

It has become a trend nowadays to be absolutely transparent on the net and share even the most hackneyed events to be seen as active. Some people even like to air their dirty laundry and part their harrowing tales with other halfwits on social sites to exhibit their prowess in writing guileless short stories. There are some sites that want to know everything about you. While we would like to believe that we have become more social by reconnecting with people, there is no reason to believe that the world on the whole has become friendlier and that with the advent of social networking sites, peace has broken out. We humans are violent beasts who love to kill for the pleasures of our senses, emotional or physical. Thanks to the aggressive genes that get transferred from one generation to the other like the property from our progenitors, many of us seem to cherish safeguarding it to pass it on to our kith and kin.

If you look at the recent past you will find that the world has changed so much that it will not be long before we have to rename the planet and call it something else. Earth is too sublime for a planet that is so ferocious and demented. Maybe words like Dynamo or Inferno will make more sense. Also encompassing the fact that the world has changed from green to red, only if we could relate this metaphor to driving, we would know that it’s time to stop before we go any further, at least till the earth looks greener.

The world is changing at a rate that seems to be going up relentlessly. You are witnessing mass exodus of people from one place to the other in search of a better life. Some in planes, some in buses, while some are on foot! But that is the basic principle of evolution. People are going to disperse, more so because of the fear of succumbing to tyranny of people who epitomize evil. Groups like the Taliban can change even the best of environments to suit their needs and ambitions and convert one of the world’s most beautiful landscapes into a killing field by practicing the most gruesome acts ever invented by men to prove their insanity.

It’s a complicated process to even try to resolve all the issues the world faces today because of the difference in the thinking of people and, more so, the tolerance levels. If only we respected each other and shared our resources, we would not have had these problems to begin with. But as long as people are going to amass more and more wealth by being in power, some through legal and others through despotic means, or shove their beliefs and ideologies through tyranny, the oppressed are going to find a way to emancipate and take solace in a far off land, even if they sometimes have to face the high tides of an angry ocean on a boat that’s not even worthy of being parked at the harbor.

Australia is a place where contraries meet. East, west, north and south, all come here to start a new life and to denounce abject poverty for good. A life that will give them a new purpose! A life they have always dreamt of! A life they’ve yearned for since they were children! A life where they can retire for the day without waking up the next morning to find themselves under the rubbles of a missile! A life where heaven seems to have made its way down to earth and found a place to dwell!

At the outset, Australia is a country that seems to be made of people who are very relaxed, fun-loving and who love their sport. If you ever happen to live here, you will realize that the people here are extremely hard working. They are very serious about what they are doing and have great respect for time. They are friendly and very accommodating. I guess that’s because when they were sent here from Britain, they had two choices - either to fight amongst themselves and die or quickly adapt to the asperity of the new place and come together to form a prosperous home, far away from home.

One of the things that impressed me a lot is the commitment for timing. I still remember receiving a letter that the fire-alarm security person would be visiting my house at 7 in the morning for their annual inspection. And since that is a time that I normally utilize to freshen up for the day, I had to work around the activities a bit to suit the time slot. I think I wasn’t wrong in doing so because the technician knocked at the door precisely at 7am. Is there an insight in what I just said? Definitely! Because, when dealing with machines that are built around precision, what is the guarantee that the fire alarm will be punctual in terms of fire detection if the person installing it or maintaining it is not? Well, I wouldn’t want to test it but I know for sure now that if at all there’s a hint of smoke that’s dangerous, my alarm would be all fired up to bring it down; after all, it is maintained by a person who is not just disciplined but also exhibits great passion towards his trade.

The other thing that’s true of the Australians is that they have a great sense of humour. They can see the funny side of things even in dire situations. They will laugh even when their bank accounts are not quite smiling at them because they know that one can control any situation if one is relaxed and is not panicking. Sometimes, the cool and composed nature of these people gives you a feeling that the attributes are congenital for most of them. The one thing that is a universal truth is that the Brits and their descendants are better than anyone in the world when it comes to having a sense of humour!

The Australians are very committed to the planet and do their best to save it from any form of destruction. They do not like it if anyone contuses the planet in any form and they do not hesitate to take the necessary steps to prevent the loss of lives from natural abrasions, much like the in-laws living next door who do not miss the smallest of opportunities to drop in. At times, this entire responsibility of improving the health of the environment can be very taxing, but good things are always taxing at first. If you ever joined a gym after a long break then you will know how you feel after the workout. However, when it comes to uniting the culture of this beautiful country, not everything is hunky-dory. With so many people coming into this country to start a new life every year, there is something that is very alarming: the concerns of moving towards a very fragmented society and value system. I have absolutely no hesitations in saying that there is a sense of denial and people like to believe that there are no cultural cracks that can destabilize the nation in terms of its societal framework. Desire alone will not get the fish to jump into your basket when you are fishing on the river banks; you need to follow a well-defined process to compliment your chips with some freshly caught Bream.

I have made an attempt in this book to capture the moments of life that define a nation in terms of its cultural architecture. Also outlined are the threatening and baleful forces that seem to stare us in the face, but often seem to be casually ignored. However, I have kept it light and away from a statistical downpour of figures that are not very pleasing for most men and some women as well. The reason for this is that while we can all realize that there’s something we aren’t doing right, it’s always better to accept it through laughter and introspection rather than criticism based on mathematical algorithms. The only time I think we should be using mathematics is when we have to save on taxes because we want the government do everything for us for free. I am sure some people will not agree with me but, when you write or say something, criticism based on good reasoning always adds a little colour to the topic even if sometimes it is sort of muddy brown.

Free and Sex are the two most important (or rather most often used) words in any dictionary. Unfortunately for some, I am not going to talk about either of them so you can defer your greedy or naughty thoughts for a moment. I might dabble in them once in a while, but I will not drench you with banal tales that are available on the innumerable sites with the click of your little finger that, too, are in different shades. Instead, I will share a few thoughts on why some people continue to behave the way they do, even when everything around them has changed.

While this book may have a very Australian feel to it, I can say with great conviction that it would be globally true and applicable to a lot of countries that have an influx of migrants from all parts of the world like the US, Canada and the UK - the reason being that we, as humans, only change from the outside. Deep within lie our hidden values and beliefs that can take the test of time, time after time, and remain well-grounded like a tree that has been tested by generations of harsh weather. Whether you like it or not, truth has a habit of confronting us with a big boozy grin, especially at places we would not expect it to. We might like to think we are moving towards a unilateral culture backed by values and principles, but the reality is as far from the truth as the polar bear is from Zambia. Other than our garb, our hairstyle, our mode of transport and sometimes our shoe colour, we tend to resist major changes that occur within us due to the fear that the change will result in causing us a great deal of internal conflict. At max, we only change from the outside and fool ourselves to believe that we are doing our bit to adapt to what the future demands from us. In our pursuit to overcompensate for the lack of internal changes, we tend to overdo things that make us look progressive. A perfect example would be changing fashions every year or coming up with a food like chicken legs dipped in hot chocolate to give children the much-required dose of protein. Or, to ignite our dark side, vodka with a dash of crime! I am sure James Bond would prefer his martini as he always has and not get inspired by this one. Who knows if the directors are thinking otherwise and want him to play an anti-hero for the first time - a sinister Bond. We will have to wait and see.

This book is not about isolating or vindicating a particular race or culture, but is built around bringing out the follies that can be seen in people across cultures and beliefs. It is an effort to mock at the rigidity of our mental make-up that hinders the strengthening of the nation in the true sense. As history shows, other than changing the external make up, we remain the same. Our internal nomenclature is so hard-wired that it becomes very difficult for the DNA to take in any new information and it throws it out like a kid who has mistakenly eaten Wasabi, assuming that it is a form of palatable green and would be as appealing to the taste bud as is an ice-cream.

Is this resistance to change a bounty when the situation demands that you open up to being flexible, so that in spite of being partially rigid, as a whole, you can still be defined as an identity? Is it not wise to follow the rules of the land than try to bring in your age-old beliefs? Is it not desirable to mix with the new than continue being xenophobic? Is it not fair to follow the new culture than try to force your very own? You can read the book and see if you can come up with the answers. To say the least, you can enjoy the humour; after all, if you have sacrificed all other activities to read my book, I owe you that much!

Chapter 1:

THE GENESIS:

HOW IT ALL BEGAN

The details of the origin of life have been discussed and debated and the annotation of the life on earth will go on till we inhabit