How To Be A Perfect Farm Wife

By Lorna Sixsmith

How can you get your farmer away for a holiday?
How can you feed eight contractors with ten minutes’ notice?
How can you get along with your mother-in-law (especially if she is an Irish Mammy)?
What do you do with a wellie with a hole in it?
These questions – big and small – and many others are answered by farmer’s wife and writer Lorna Sixsmith. She knows what it is like to have the village appraise your signature dish, how to stay calm during the dreaded “testing”, how to interpret “farm speak”, and what to do to keep the hens happy.
More importantly she knows how to cheat to give the impression you are a PERFECT farm wife. This book is packed with history, advice, recipes, hints and tips (and quizzes along the way to see how you measure up). The best advice is always to keep a sense of humour, and Lorna’s shines through in her writing.
This is a perfect read for all farm wives and girlfriends (and husbands and boyfriends), and country lovers everywhere.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lorna Sixsmith
• Release date: Oct 27, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311873026

Lorna Sixsmith

Lorna Sixsmith is a social media trainer, farmer, blogger and now author of two farming books: Would You Marry A Farmer? and How To Be A Perfect Farm Wife. Her sense of humour comes through in her realistic portrayal of farming life - both books have plenty of tips, historical detail and a good grounding of common sense.Married with two children, Lorna and her husband have a dairy and beef farm in SE Ireland.

Book preview

Reviews

Advance review for How To Be A Perfect Farm Wife

As an investment banker turned farmer’s wife, this is funny, educational, really interesting and exactly what I need. A joy to read. Aideen Fleming

Reviews for Would You Marry A Farmer?

Lorna’s observations on the daily life of the farmer’s wife had me laughing out loud in recognition … written with great warmth and affection. Horse and Countryside

I picked up the book expecting something in the nature of a humorous gift-book: a light-hearted distraction with a grounding of good sense; but, I found a much richer story. Rich Rennicks, A Trip to Ireland (blog)

I highly recommend this book as a must-read guide, for anyone interested in rural Irish life, both past and present. Mairead Geary, Irish American Mom (blog)

She writes with authority and from experience and no doubt her sense of humour, much in evidence throughout the book, has enabled her to cope with the ups and downs of marrying a farmer. Teagasc, Today’s Farm Magazine

How To Be A

Perfect Farm Wife

Lorna Sixsmith

Copyright

Write on Track Press

How To Be A Perfect Farm Wife

Lorna Sixsmith

Copyright words and illustrations © 2015 Lorna Sixsmith

All Rights Reserved

Illustrations, including front cover: Joanne Condon

Cover design: Alan McDonnell of A2D

Editor: Sally Vince

Ebook Formatting: Polgarus Studio

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

If you would like to do any of the above, please seek permission first by contacting us at [e-mail]

Most of the recipes have been handed down or discovered in old cookbooks. They worked for us but you may have to adjust quantities of ingredients or oven temperatures for your own circumstances. Temperatures are given in degrees Celsius for a fan electric oven. For conversion to degrees Fahrenheit or gas mark, please see http://odlums.ie/baking-tips/conversion-charts.

Published in Ireland by Write on Track

ISBN: 9780992763268

To Brian, Will and Kate

Table of Contents

Introduction

Part One

I Now Pronounce You A Farm Wife

Love and marriage

A family affair

The Irish Mammy (Imagine, she’s feeding him rice for dinner!)

Is it a bit o’ road frontage you’re after?

Isolation or blissful solitude

The joy of life

Sexy farmers?

Ode to a farmer

A hard shell with a soft centre

Romance on the farm

Is Marrying a Farmer Different?

His & hers

Bob the Builder

Does my bum look big in this?

Hell’s Kitchen

Blowing a fuse

We’re all going on a … [holiday] day out

Desperate Farmwives

Air kisses or the wink

Ah, go on, you’ll have a cup, sure, the kettle is on

The farm is in his blood

What Is A Farm Wife? What Does She Do?

What is a farmer’s wife?

What is a perfect farm wife?

Part Two

Farming Relationships

How To Manage Your Farmer

How to go on regular dates with your farmer

How to manage a sleepy husband when visiting friends

How to ensure the perfect gift from your other half

How to ensure your other half can look after himself

How to keep him well groomed

Domestic Bliss

How to emphasise your domestic skills

How to wear an apron and wellies with flair

How To Rear Your Farm Children

How to manage your pregnancy

How to bring up children on the farm

How to create wonderful memories

How to tell farm children about sex

How to encourage children to farm

How to share childcare

Health and Safety

How to get a farmer to take a holiday

How to cope with stress

How to keep your family safe

How to stay healthy

How To Stay Married

How to recognise a compliment

How to get on well with your mother-in-law

How to plan for success and celebrate it when it comes

How to avoid a divorce

How to find the silver lining

How to conceal your mood

How to have a social life

Farm Wife Quiz (1)

Part Three

The Farm

Working On The Farm

How to be an efficient midwife

How to feed lambs, kids and calves

How to teach a calf to drink from a bucket

How to teach a calf to drink from a teat

How to catch a calf

How to herd livestock

How to tell when an animal is fertile

How to bring cows in to be milked

How to milk cows

How to keep hens

How to hug a cow

How to care for goats

How to move livestock along the road

How to sort a batch of animals into two groups

How to deal with death on the farm

Adding To Your Technical Know-How

How to measure grass

How to drive a tractor and reverse a trailer

How to interpret sign language

What does he really mean?

How to become a weather girl

Utilising Your Existing Skills

Your version of agrifashion

How to run fast in wellies

How to use your hairdressing skills

How to keep your hands soft

How to find the right field

How to be prepared for all events

How to enjoy living on the farm

Farm Wife Quiz (2)

Part Four

The Farm Household

How Clean Is Your House?

How to keep the farmhouse clean

How to use traditional cleaning materials

How to use bicarbonate of soda

How to clean with lemons

How to clean with vinegar

How to get rid of stains

How to dry clothes using a clothes line

How to catch a mouse

How to catch a bird or a bat

How to be environmentally friendly

How to train a farmer to do housework

Domestic Goddess

How to win a (hypothetical) Housewife of the Year prize

How to win awards at agricultural shows

Coffee cake

The religion of baking

How to be self-sufficient

How to eat your home-produced meat

How to prepare a chicken for the table

How to set a table

How to cook a dinner fit for a [king] farmer

Shepherd’s (lamb) or cottage (beef) pie

Roast dinner

Casseroles

Omelette

Bacon and cabbage

Chicken pie

A good fry-up

Desserts

Rice pudding

Rhubarb tart

Fruit crumbles

Steamed pudding

Teas

More recipes

Kate’s brown bread

Scones / Spot o’ dick

Spot o’ dick

Raspberry jam

Barmbrack

One-egg cake

Chocolate Swiss roll

How to feed contractors

How to create a meal from almost nothing

How to create your signature dish

Biscuit cake

How to pack a picnic for the field

How to make a perfect cup of tea (or mug of tay)

Farm Wife Quiz (3)

Part Five

Community Spirit

How to get to know your neighbours

How to get involved in local community events

How to help at funerals

How to talk about the weather - at length

How to get the farmer to attend weddings and other functions

Farm Wife Quiz (4)

Part Six

Managing Money And Starting A Farm Business

How to manage the paperwork

How to organise your filing system

How to keep control of cash flow

How to stay on good terms with the bank manager

How to forge your husband’s signature (allegedly)

How to bring in additional income

Farm business ideas

Adding value to produce

Tourism

Crafts

Weddings

Other ideas

Tips for setting up a business

Farm Wife Quiz (5)

Conclusion

Follow me on social media

Further reading

Copyright

Acknowledgements

Notes

Introduction

Born and reared on a dairy and beef farm in Co. Laois, I never imagined that I would be back living here, farming with my husband Brian and seeing my children, Will and Kate, go to the schools I attended, and following in my footsteps for many aspects of their lives. Brian and I worked as a scientist and a teacher for a number of years. We came back to Garrendenny in 2002 to inherit my family’s dairy and beef farm. I also teach businesses how to use social media and I ghost write blog posts for businesses too. I never complain of being bored!

My first book Would You Marry A Farmer? was inspired by the many responses to my blog post Ten pieces of advice to anyone considering marrying a farmer. I realised farmers are the same the world over yet are very different to any other occupation. Since its publication, I have occasionally felt like an agony aunt as a number of farmers’ wives have asked for advice on various issues, from dealing with their mother-in-law to how to get their husband away on holiday. Some went so far as to state: Any farmers’ daughters I know had way more sense than to marry a farmer. Coming from a different background means many women can feel inadequate, frustrated and isolated living on a farm. They don’t necessarily understand the business nor the dynamics in family farming and are left feeling like a round peg in a square hole. This book is designed to answer some queries presented by farm wives, to show them they aren’t the only one in that situation, and to laugh at themselves too.

The traditional Irish family farm was almost always owned by the husband and I have used the term wife to reflect on the traditional role within the farming family unit. How To Be A Perfect Farm Wife can, of course, apply to the husband of a female farmer or the non-farming half of a same-sex couple. Indeed, women farmers might just be the subject for a future book. While this book reflects on many realistic situations and characteristics, you’ll discover the writing is also very tongue-in-cheek.

To all farm wives (and farm husbands), I hope How To Be A Perfect Farm Wife provides you with sufficient knowledge to fill you with confidence and help you realise you’re pretty darn competent and accomplished after all. If it also makes you laugh out loud, I’ll be even happier.

Lorna Sixsmith

Garrendenny, Crettyard, Co. Laois, Ireland.

September 2015

Part One

I Now Pronounce You

A Farm Wife

You are married to a farmer. You are now a farmer’s wife. Love it or hate it, that’s how many people view you, even if you have another occupation. Some see you as a stay-at-home mum or housewife, others as a businesswoman; some friends might think you are mad for marrying a farmer, and others may be envious of your charmed life in a rural paradise. On occasion, you might be dismissed as only the wife by being asked, Is the bossman around?, although the days of the bank manager considering your off-farm income as pin money have long gone.

Traditionally, most farmers wedded women from similar backgrounds so wives had the advantage of knowing what to expect. They knew there could be long hours, little income and lots of hard work. Marriages are now often between people from diverse backgrounds so some brides just might have a rose-tinted view of living in the countryside on a busy farm.

If your experience of farming before your wedding was visiting your farming uncle and watching Countryfile on Sundays, you probably viewed country living as blissful, relaxed, friendly and highly profitable. The sun is usually shining on the televised farm, muck is non-existent, Range Rovers always start on the first attempt, quad bikes are clean, grass is green, corn is golden, new calves and lambs are born without assistance in the middle of the day. The house is a renovated Victorian farmhouse with plenty of character as well as having modern conveniences, and a clean dog is curled up in front of the easy-to-use Aga. You have beautiful views across the countryside and can see three counties on a good day yet the drive to town is only fifteen minutes. Ah yes, you will fit right in, in your checked shirt, denim jeans and clean designer wellies.

I’m sorry to burst your bubble but the reality is very different. The quad is probably third-hand and covered with mud. The dog is a frequent passenger so the seat is mucky too. The tractor is either held together with black silage tape or has a loan the size of a house mortgage. The farmhouse is a 1970s bungalow accessed down a bumpy lane. It rains much of the summer. The cute calf you were about to photograph just had a neighbour poo on his face. Cows calve or sheep break out of their field as you’re about to head out on a date.

The road to becoming a perfect farm wife is a long one with plenty of potholes. Although the trappings might not be what you envisaged, there are many benefits to farm life, as you’ll find out by reading on. And if you weren’t brought up on a farm and feel you’re always asking daft questions that cause your new family to roar with laughter, don’t despair. The advantage is you haven’t developed any bad habits and this book provides comprehensive tips to ensure you become a competent and accomplished farm wife in the easiest way possible.

Love and marriage

Where did you meet your husband? Perhaps you met him at a young farmers meeting or an agricultural show. Maybe you knew him many years ago when you were adamant you weren’t going to marry a farmer. Perhaps you met him on holidays and you didn’t know the first thing about farming.

A century ago, women weren’t necessarily able to have a say in their choice of husband. It was even difficult to become a farm wife in the early to mid twentieth century. Women had to have a dowry to marry.¹ Without finance, it wasn’t easy to find a farmer who could afford to marry and was willing to wed. In 1911, 25% of Irish women aged 45–57 were unmarried, and in 1936, 44% of women aged 34 were single.² People married for land and money, not love. A marriage was often a financial transaction between two families where the bride brought sufficient money or products to compensate for the cost of her future keep and to grant her status in her new home.

H. V. Morton, an English writer travelling around Ireland in the 1930s, was shocked at the lack of romance and the emphasis on matrimony as a business deal.

She would never know romance as other women know it. Men do not marry for love in agricultural tribes. They marry land or cows or sheep or the potato-patch that runs next to theirs, whichever seems to them the best dowry. There is a proverb in rural Ireland that it is unlucky to marry for love. Scots have a proverb: As loveless as an Irishman.³

Older members (usually male) of the bride’s and groom’s families, a matchmaker and sometimes the new husband were involved in the negotiations for the dowry. This was still the case until the 1960s in many western areas. In the early to mid twentieth century, it was unlikely all the daughters in a large family would get to say I do. From a family of six daughters, only two were likely to marry.⁴ While the dowry was often a cash amount, usually £100–£250, it sometimes took the form of livestock and furniture. The other daughters emigrated or remained in Ireland as spinsters. Husbands tended to be much older than their wives; many were in their fifties or sixties while their brides were in their late teens to late twenties.

Would you let your father or brother or even a matchmaker choose your spouse? At that time, the bride had very little say in her future. If she declined, her options were limited. If she felt she was too old to emigrate, she could either work as a maid, seamstress or governess, or live with a married brother and his wife and work on their farm.

Peig Sayers (1873–1958) agreed to marry the man proposed by her brother. She could have refused to marry but she wanted her own hearth rather than to work as a maid again.

I was sick and tired of that same service and I thought it would be better for me to have a man to my back and someone to protect me, and to own a house too, where I could sit down at my ease whenever I’d be weary.

My father spoke again: What have you to say? he asked.

I know nothing at all about the Island people, I said but you know them through and through. Whatever pleases you pleases me and I’ll go whenever you tell me.

God be with you, my father said.

The bargain was made; Peats Guiheen and myself were to be married in a few days’ time.⁵

As well as getting her own home, becoming a wife gave women superiority over her unmarried friends and relatives so it was something to aspire to. However, there were other barriers to marital status as social class was very important within the negotiations. A farmer’s daughter could marry her equal or better but marrying a landless labourer was totally out of the question.⁶

Religion was critical too and mixed marriages were not tolerated. Many men stipulated the religion within a personal advertisement for a suitable partner.

Irish Examiner 4 December 1948

Respectable farmer’s son, Protestant, with sixty acres of land, five miles from Cork, wishes to hear from Protestant girl with view to marriage.

Irish Farmers Journal 12 November 1966

Farm Home is a farmer from Wexford in his late thirties who has a 90 acre well-stocked farm and a nice home and car. He would like to get in touch with sincere C of I girl in her twenties who is interested in farming. He is a non smoker. Strictest confidence given and expected.

Irish Farmers Journal 28 August 1976

UP Kerry is a farmer with two farms who would like to hear from girls (farmers’ daughters) with some farming experience. He breeds pedigree Friesian cattle, has own car and lives alone. Would like to meet RC girl with view to marriage. Photo appreciated.

The extent of information required by a potential husband was vast. A writer to a woman’s magazine in 1967 was flabbergasted when a young farmer on a first date asked her age, occupation, pay and cooking ability, whether she dyed her hair, the cause of her mother’s early death, and, significantly, whether she would be able to keep on her job after marriage. Talk about getting the third-degree! Another lady, on a visit to her home place, was asked by a young farmer if her position in Dublin was good enough for her to save for a dowry.⁷

If women were independent and had money of their own, they had some power to choose and many placed advertisements in newspapers. How would you describe your own position? This one from the 1920s reveals an educated professional lady who knows the value of her status in society and the power of her dowry. She clearly has no intention of working hard on a farm and only a gentleman farmer with plenty of staff is going to tempt her.

Irish Examiner 14 April 1926

Lady