Santa 365: A Chet and Bernie Mystery eShort Story

By Spencer Quinn

Santa doesn’t just deliver gifts—he takes them too!—in this delightful holiday e-short featuring New York Times bestselling sleuths Chet and Bernie.

He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. This year, jolly old St. Nick knows Bernie has been sleeping on preparations for a special Christmas celebration with his son Charlie. Enter Plumpy Napoleon, fresh from a short stint in prison, to save Bernie from the naughty list. Plumpy calls his latest business plan “Santa 365.” For a small fee (that only gets bigger), he’ll fill your life with holiday cheer, including elves, a festive party, gifts, and even a Christmas tree delivered right to your front door. Bernie signs on for the full yuletide experience. But after the blowout holiday bash, Bernie and Chet the dog discover one of Santa’s helpers helped himself to more than Christmas candy. The intrepid duo sets out to find the sticky-fingered perp and reclaim the stolen goods. Add in a surprise visit from Bernie’s mom, two elderly sisters seeking their own brand of justice, and an elf with a stocking full of secrets, and you have a Christmas mystery that only Chet and Bernie could possibly unwrap.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Atria Books
• Release date: Nov 24, 2015
• ISBN: 9781476703671

Spencer Quinn

Spencer Quinn is the bestselling author of eight Chet and Bernie mystery series, as well as the #1 New York Times bestselling Bowser and Birdie series for middle-grade readers. He lives on Cape Cod with his wife Diana—and dogs Audrey and Pearl. Keep up with him by visiting SpenceQuinn.com.

Book preview

Cover Page ImageTitle page

Contents

Author’s Note

Santa 365

Scents and Sensibility Excerpt

About the Author

AUTHOR’S NOTE

I often hear: Do the Chet and Bernie books have to be read in any particular order? That’s not a question Chet would ask! Just jump right in, willy-nilly! The books can be read in any order; at the same time, somewhat paradoxically, there’s no denying that things change in the series—developing, branching out, even going backward at times. Readers of the series will note the description of the Porsche in this story (brown with yellow doors—a Porsche which ceased to exist in The Dog Who Knew Too Much), and be able to place Santa 365 in approximate sequence.

There’s no Santa Claus, Charlie said.

Who told you that? said Bernie.

Esmé.

Who’s Esmé?

At school.

Well, said Bernie, everyone has their own opinion.

It’s not an opinion, Dad, said Charlie. It’s a scientific fact.

Oh?

From a scientist.

Any scientist in particular?

Groucho Marx.

Esmé told you that?

Uh-huh.

Know much about Groucho Marx?

Charlie shrugged his skinny little shoulders. He was a scientist and he said there ain’t no Santa Claus.

What do Esmé’s parents do?

Drive her to school. Pick her up.

I meant for a living.

Like you’re a private eye?

Yeah. Like that.

I don’t think they’re private eyes, Charlie said.

Why not?

They’re rich.

We turned a corner and drove down our street, namely Mesquite Road, the best street in the whole Valley, which may be in Arizona—but don’t count on me for details like that. Our ride—mine and Bernie’s—was a Porsche, one of a number that we’d had at the Little Detective Agency, each one older than the last. It’s called the Little Detective Agency on account of Bernie’s last name being Little. I’m Chet, pure and simple. Charlie—Bernie’s kid, if you’ve been paying attention—lives with Leda, Bernie’s ex-wife, except for some weekends and every second Thanksgiving and Christmas, when he’s with us. But this was one of those every second Christmases! So imagine our mood! Tip-top!

This particular Porsche was brown with yellow doors. Maybe you’ve seen it flashing by, so fast you just sighed and thought, Hey, at least someone’s living the dream. That was Bernie behind the wheel, by the way, and me in the shotgun seat. Is there anything better than riding shotgun in the Porsche? Not that I’d ever come across, and certainly not riding on the strange little bench behind the actual seats, which was where I happened to be now, what with Charlie in my spot. I loved Charlie, so it wasn’t a problem, as long as it hardly ever happened again, preferably never. Plus the truth was not quite all of me was on the little bench, no little bench able to completely contain a hundred-plus-pounder such as myself. At some point my tail had managed to curl itself free and share the shotgun seat with Charlie in a companionable way. Was the kid somewhat crammed in against the door? Possibly. But it was nice to see my tail riding up front, kind of like my representative. My tail and I have a lot in common, if that makes any sense.

We

Reviews for Santa 365

[cathyskye · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This digital Christmas short story has many of the things fans of Spencer Quinn's Chet and Bernie series love, but there are a couple of little hiccups. One is the fact that the story is actually too short and doesn't allow for Chet's narrative skills to really shine. The second problem is the larger of the two. I've never seen Bernie be so gullible. I don't know if he was trying to lull the crook into a false sense of security, or if he'd taken leave of his senses for the holidays.Despite the two things I mentioned, this is still a nice little Christmas story. I give it two tails up-- because two is the best number (according to Chet).

[carlathelibrarian · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Perhaps reading a novella for the first book in a series was not the best idea, but I was not impressed. Bernie is a private detective and the story is narrated by his dog Chet. Bernie is divorced but this is his Christmas with his son Charlie. When they arrive at Bernie's house there is a red van in the driveway. It belongs to "Plumpy" Napoleon. He is recently released from prison on parole after being put there by Bernie and Chet. He is in the business of Christmas so convinces Bernie to purchase his services for a party. The party is fun, but Santa never shows. After the party Bernie is robbed so he sets out to look for Plumpy. He finds the elf from the party and finds out that he is related to some of Plumpy's victims. They look for the money that was never found, ya da ya da. Pretty simplistic plot line.

I received a copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[maydacat_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Author Spencer Quinn packs a lot into this short story. It’s Christmas, and a small-time crook has a new gimmick: selling Christmas cheer. Bernie bites, but the party doesn’t live up to expectations. Santa doesn’t show, and his elf helper makes off with some loot. Bernie and Chet go after the duo, to make things right. After all, it’s Christmas! It’s a cute story, lighter in tone than the novels. And it’s nice to see Bernie and Chet in a holiday mood. The audio version, as usual, is well performed by Jim Frangione.

[liscarey · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Chet and Bernie, in a Christmas mystery only Chet and Bernie could unwrap. Or get wrapped up in, or something.It's "every second Christmas" this year, Bernie's son Charlie is with them for the holiday. Bernie has really fallen down on the "getting ready for Christmas" thing, and they happen to run into an old perp Bernie helped lock up, now done with his short stint in jail. And Plumpy Napoleon has a new business, Santa 365. For just a small fee (which oddly keeps growing), he'll supply elves, gifts, a tree, everything! It'll be a blowout Christmas. Of course Bernie invites Susie, and also Charlie's friend Esmé. Then Bernie's mother, Minerva, who has dumped her latest love interest, calls from the airport for him to pick her up.It really is a grand party, but when it's time to clean up, Chet and Bernie discover that the elves were a little light-fingered. Leaving Charlie with Minerva, they hop into the Porsche to track down Plumpy, and along the way meet some other victims of his fraud and theft, including two elderly sisters who come armed.Chet the dog's naration remains as plausibly dog-like as ever in this short story, understanding what humans don't (the information carried by the scents humans can't decode nearly as well, and not understanding what humans do--the nuances of human language and social interactions.It's a lot of fun, as usual. Recommended.I bought this audiobook.

[richardderus · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Review: 9 of fiftyRating: 3.5* of fiveThe Book Report: The second book of an irresistible series narrated by a loveable and wise dog. In the newest Chet and Bernie mystery, Chet gets a glimpse of the show dog world turned deadly. "We run a detective agency, me and Bernie, called the Little Detective Agency on account of Little being Bernie's last name. My name's Chet, pure and simple. Headquarters is our house on Mesquite Road, a nice place with a big tree out front, perfect for napping under, and the whole canyon easily accessible out back, if it just so happens someone left the gate open. And then, up in the canyon -- well, say no more."Praised by Stephen King as "a canine Sam Spade full of joie de vivre," Chet and his human companion Bernie have both had some setbacks in life -- Bernie in combat, Chet in K-9 school, but together they make up a team like no other. In Thereby Hangs a Tail, Bernie and Chet are called on to investigate threats made against an unlikely target -- a pretty, pampered show dog named Princess. What seems like a joke turns into a serious case when Princess and her owner are abducted. To make matters worse, Bernie's on-again, off-again girlfriend, reporter Susie Sanchez, disappears too. When Chet is separated from Bernie, he's on his own to put the pieces together, find his way home, and save the day.With genuine suspense and intrigue, combined with humor and insight into the special bond between man and dog, Thereby Hangs a Tail will have everyone talking.My Review: Cute! Very cute! Chet is such a clever boy I want to give him Milk Bones until he faints!And that's kinda the problem under the fun: Cute. It's fun, yes, and it's pleasantly written with a well-imagined dog's point of view. But I think this is a series that needs to be taken in annual doses, and in the proper mood. I am, admittedly, as curmudgeonly as the day is long. But I'm not immune to charm. The series has charm.It's just, well, it's wearing a bit thin at the elbows. Also, I hate Susie.

[onemorepage · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Chet and Bernie novels are not great literature, but if you have a dog, enjoy a good satire, and want a light mystery/detective story to read, This series by Spencer Quinn is satisfying. Told from Chet the dog's point of view.

[lrobe190 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Private Investigators Chet (a dog) and Bernie are hired to find a missing showdog named Princess and her owner who have been kidnapped. Also missing is local newspaper reporter and very good friend, Suzie Sanchez. As Chet and Bernie dig further into the case, there seems to be a lot more going on than a missing showdog.Quinn's Chet and Bernie books are great. The two work together and always manage to solve their quirky cases. In typical PI fashion, Bernie never has any money and tends to drink a little too much, but Chet is really the main character and is also the narrator of the story. Quinn does a great job of writing the books through Chet's eyes and that's what makes them so humorous. Highly recommended.

[bookspot · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Chet and Bernie run the Little Detective Agency - because Bernie's last name is Little, as Chet will let you know - Bernie's a P.I. and Chet is his dog, a K-9 school almost graduate.Back in their second mystery of this series, Chet and Bernie are pulled into a world they're both almost wholly unaware of: that of the competitive dog shows. When Princess, one of the top competitors is threatened, or, at least, her owner feels that way, she comes to Bernie for protection.It's not their usual type of job, but as Chet wants to point out, money is money. And they're in sore need of it. No one - aside from Princess' owners and trainer are taking the case that seriously, police included, until Princess and her owner are kidnapped.That's when Chet and Bernie's real detective skills come into play.Then when the two are separated, it's up to Chet to find clues, stay safe, and get back to Bernie all on his own.Will the two be able to solve this mystery? One that started out seeming so silly but is gradually seeming more and more dangerous - to them and those around them.I really loved Dog on It (the first in this series) and was excited to see that this continued with the elements that made that novel so unique and enjoyable. Of course, I do love dogs and would probably love just about any (well written) book where a dog is one of the true characters. The Chet and Bernie Mysteries take things a step (or two or three) further, though by making Chet the series' narrator.It seems to be a great literary device. Not only is Quinn able to leave out parts of dialogue and/or observation that a human narrator would absolutely be faulted for, he's also able, through Chet, to bring in almost completely random parts of back story. Sometime they stay completely random but other times they seem to come into the story at a later time and are actually relevant.All this while making Chet more endearing and definitely more than 'just a dog' - if it's ever possible to be that.Some of the characters from the previous novel were carried over. In a way that those who read Dog on It would know who they were and have a bit more to start with than those who didn't, but they weren't so integral to the story that you have to have read the first mystery. Chet and Bernie are the real stars here and this series seems fairly standalone.There's one not major, but not tiny part of the plot that I'm hoping wasn't resolved in Thereby Hangs a Tail. If it was, it wrapped up much too quickly for how long it was a part of the story. There's also one part that I'm almost hoping is wrapped up but, at the same time, am pretty sure is not . . . it's something sure to keep you reading to the third To Catch a Thief, though!

[bons_11 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Finding the Chet and Bernie series have been very enjoyable. After reading book one I had to immediately go get book two. Spencer Quinn hones in The emotions and thoughts of a dog that many of with dogs as companions have experienced. The mystery still light to be cozy but suspenseful. The humor just enough to add to character set up and the enhancement of Chet himself. I'll be on my way tomorrow to search out book three as book two leaves you with a nagging thought.

[wortklauberlein · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

These books are like the potato chip under the coffee table is to a dog. Not the most nutritious thing to eat, but ooohboy what a find!In this second of the Bernie and Chet detective series, more perps are collared, er, pant-legged, Bernie's military past is brought a little more to light, love-interest/reporter Susie Sanchez is kidnapped, a pricey pooch is dognapped, and Chet makes some amazing leaps, mental and physical. Have a biscuit. Good doggie.

[cmwilson101 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Thereby Hangs a Tail by Spencer Quinn is the second in the Chet and Bernie Mystery series. It revolves around a case of a missing teenager, with our detectives getting involved in several mysteries as they try to solve the case. If you've not read any of the series yet, you should know that Chet and Bernie are private investigators. Bernie, the owner, is down on his luck detective with a heart and social conscience, while Chet, the narrator of the story, is a happy-go-lucky live for the moment sort of guy. Chet, incidentally, is a dog, and the entire story is told from his optimistic perspective. He enjoys the scents, sounds and tastes of life, loves Bernie unconditionally, and understands Bernie's words and gestures. He really doesn't solve any crimes, because he lives for the moment and forgets almost everything that happened previously, but helps out with his keen sense of smell, his ability to track, his protectiveness of Bernie, and his sixth sense for quickly assessing who is the bad guy. He quickly became my hero, with his keenness to please Bernie, his loyalty, enthusiasm, and good-natured humor. I had many laugh-out-loud moments in the story at Chet's narration; the author has found exactly the right tone for Chet. Bernie, as seen though Chet's eyes, is sweet, thoughtful, strong and wonderful. He talks to Chet constantly, which allows the story to flow along seamlessly. I laughed out loud many times while reading this book. It is really great fun, and highly recommended for dog and/or mystery lovers.

[mfbarry_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The second in the Chet & Bernie series, "Thereby Hangs the Tail" is a fun and entertaining read. Anyone who has a dog will love this series and chuckle when Chet tells a few tales of his exploits. Take a few hours and read an enjoyable story!

[squeex_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I listened to DOG ON IT (review in link) a few months ago and became enamoured of Chet and Bernie...mostly Chet. The story told from the point of view of a smart dog was a very neat premise. Add that to the well written mystery and it was a winner. THEREBY HANGS A TAIL was equally as good. It doesn't go all Disney and have all the dogs talking to each other. It's just Chet doing the narrating, leaving it sort of noir-ish in feeling. There's the down on his luck PI, the sassy reporter girlfriend of the DOHL PI and there's the dog. Perfect.Bernie is a good PI, but a little naive when it comes to finances, making bad investment choices in tin futures from a guy who even Chet knows is a shyster. Bernie has to take the job as the bodyguard of the pampered show dog, Princess, just for the dough. Then the dog and her owner go missing and no one knows nuthin'...Chet and Bernie on the case. Darkly funny and a fab mystery..I can highly recommend this series.Five dog-earred beans....

[womansheart_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Thereby Hangs A Tail by Spencer Quinn, is a book I finished reading earlier this year. It is another Chet and Bernie mystery following in the footsteps of Dog On It. It was entertaining, but, I enjoyed the first one more than this one. Three stars.

[dreplogle_4 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

2nd in the series, after Dog On it, this is a delightful summer read about a private investigator and his 100 pound canine partner, Chet. It is Chet who relates their adventures from his perspective, yet the effect is neither cutesy nor saccharin.Chet adores Bernie, his human, snatches bacon, loves chew strips and is not above eating tennis balls and then vomiting them back up. His favorite activity is everything, but especially catching perps by the ankle. This story begins with a pet show and a possible dognapping of a prize winning poodle, Princess. It then develops into kidnapping, missing persons, and murder. All ends happily, and Chet, does indeed, satisfyingly catches the perp by the ankle.

[jgillin_3 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I liked this book even better than the first of the series... it was more "doglike." Hysterically funny if you are a "dog person;" I'm not sure if it would appeal to you if you aren't.

[bookmason_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Better tale/tail then the first, Quinn seems to be getting a better feel for telling the story from Chet's view in this one and the mystery was better put together then the first.

[newsieq · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Bernie Little and his dog Chet are on a case involving a two-pound show dog, Princess. Princess's mistress is a contessa, and she's concerned about a threatening mailing she receives -- a photo of Princess with a bull's eye superimposed. Almost as soon as the sleuthing duo is on the case, they're off it -- fired. But when Princess and the Contessa are kidnapped, Bernie feels he must solve the case whether or not he has a paying client.Of course, things get more and more complex and it's tough for the narrator to sort it all out. Anyone who read Dog On It, the first book in this series, knows that Chet is the narrator. In his doggie world, memory is short and centered on food and scents. It makes for some hilarious moments and I was again stunned by how the author maintained Chet's voice for the entire book. This is lighthearted LOL fun -- guaranteed -- and a truly one-of-a-kind mystery!04/30/2010

[reannon_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Second in the Chet and Bernie series. I loved the first one, Dog On It, so was happy to read the sequel. Chet, the narrator, is a large dog of uncertain breed. His person is Bernie, a private eye whose life is something of a mess, but to Chet he is the best person in the world.Bernie gets hired to protect a show dog whose owner had gotten a threatening picture of a bull's eye overlaying the dog. Chet misbehaves, however, and Bernie is fired. When the show dog, Princess, and her owner get kidnapped, however, Bernie insists on working the case.The novelty of Chet's character isn't there as much in this novel, and it drags a bit in places, but is still a fun read. Chet is still just what one thinks a sentient dog would be like. He loves life... there is nothing better than riding shotgun with Bernie, feeling the wind in his face, except maybe for tasting food and smelling things. He gets easily distracted, so misses some of the nuances of what people are saying around him, but that's ok by him.Overall, Quinn pulls it off again. This book is a lot of fun.

[toobusyreading · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Okay, I'm not ashamed to admit it – I like the occasional book narrated by a dog or a cat or any other improbable creature as long as it is decently written and it entertains me. The second in this series, narrated by P. I. Bernie's dog and sidekick, Chet, fits the bill. Although there are deaths and bad things, this is pretty light as a mystery goes. The mystery, in this case a missing show dog (Princess) and a missing person, is secondary to Chet's viewpoint. What I love is how Chet seems so truly doggie, completely loyal to his master, not seeing Bernie's shortcomings except the insignificant (like the tiny size of Bernie's nose and his inability to smell very well), and easily surprised when his own tail starts wagging and creates a breeze or when a growl escapes as he sees the bad guys. He doesn't always understand Bernie when Bernie is ranting about squandering the aquifer because Chet sees plenty of water, just look at the watering of the golf course, but he accepts his little eccentricities fully.I didn't enjoy this book quite as much as the first in the series, Dog On It, because it was a bit too similar, but I will read the next book when it comes out. Without giving away plot, at the end of the book there is an unresolved situation involving Chet and I want to see how that turns out.I usually prefer to read books rather than listening to them, but this book is perfect for listening. Reader Jim Frangione has the perfect voice for Chet.

[carmarie_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I love Chet...and Bernie too of course, but after a while the narrative seems to get a bit mundane. But it's still a fast, fun read and I'll definitely still read the next installment!

[mamzel_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I loved the first of the series but I liked this one a little less. Chet is still a wonderful and clever dog. But, I started to get a little bored with his thought processes. For instance, there were too many stories "left for another time". At one point in the story he digs up a box of his favorite treats but his owner, Bernie, dug up something right next to it that I thought would attract his attention more. It reinforced the fact, however, that dogs think most with their stomaches. I look forward to the next book, my complaints notwithstanding.

[murdermysterymayhem · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Chet's a dropout from the K-9 Police Academy and Bernie's a down on his luck Private Eye but together they're a dynamic crime fighting duo - though neither of them knows what the other one's talking about. No bloodhound, Chet still has a few tricks up his sleeves and Bernie's not just along for the ride. Smile as Chet tries to decipher human idioms but not for too long.....there is always other distractions like FOOD.

[kblinn_2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Love it, love it, love it! That Chet writes a darn good book. As usual, Chet and Bernie are in pursuit of some bad guys. They are on the road almost the entire book with Chet riding shotgun and making observations as they go. This time Bernie's romantic interest, Suzie Sanchez, goes missing along with a charming little show dog, Princess, and her owner Adelina. As usual, Chet knows way more about this than Bernie. But Bernie will finally catch up with Chet, and justice will be served. This is the most original mystery series to come down the pike in years. Can't wait for Chet to speak again! (And by the way, we vote that Princess is definitely a Maltese.)

[tehanu_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I'm sorry but I do love this book; it's not great literature but I love the author's voice, the dog's voice (from whose perspective the book is written). I even love the speaker's jokes and silly confusion, it seems perfectly appropriate from a real dog's point of view. The plots aren't bad, either.

[tanya2009_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

If you liked Dog on It you will like the latest adventure with Chet and Bernie. This time they are hired to find a missing show dog and her owner. Great mystery and wonderful characters.

[edgoldberg · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Chet and Bernie are hired to protect a show dog. When the dog and its owner are kidnapped, they are hot on the trail. The same characters as in Dog on It are involved. Lots of action, commentary by Chet (the dog). Easy read. Read it on a flight from NY to LA.

[jackieblem · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The long awaited second installment of the private investigation adventures of Bernie and Chet from "Dog On It" (now out in paperback) is almost here! Yes, the boys are back in January, kicking bad guy butt and wagging tail. I found this book even more fun than the first one. This time they've become involved in a kidnapping (though no one is sure if the intended victim was the rich lady or her prize winning show dog) that blossoms into mayhem and murder. This will be an absolute hit, no question, and it will leave fans panting for more (especially the last few pages of incredibly frustrating foreshadowing that is personally driving me NUTS).Even if you didn't read "Dog On It", you'll like this book. There are a few references to some of the things that happened in it, but there are tons of references to cases we've never heard about before too--it's all part of a muddled backstory that Chet can't quite remember clearly or doesn't have time to tell you right now. It just adds to his canine charisma--he's a here and now kind of guy.

[horomnizon · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Chet & Bernie are called upon to be bodyguards to a pampered pom-pom of a dog show star named Princess, but Chet's actions quickly get them canned. Princess and her owner are then kidnapped and soon Bernie's reporter friend Suzie disappears as well. Along the way, Chet gets separated and has an adventure of his own, but manages to help piece together some important evidence. Who will be found alive? Can Chet really sniff out the good guys from the bad guys? I had not read the first book in the 'Chet & Bernie Mystery' series, but that didn't seem to matter (and now I'm definitely going back to read it!). I was a little unsure at first about the dog (Chet) being the narrator, but I loved it. Chet's understanding (or not) of what the people around him are saying or what the situation is seemed pretty believable - or at least wasn't so unrealistic that it bothered me. After reading a couple of fairly heavy books about alcoholism and abuse, this was the light and humorous book I needed - and I always love a good mystery. I had my hunches, some of which were right, but still didn't quite have it all figured out. Anybody who has lived with a dog should appreciate some of Chet's actions and thoughts....I have a feeling my dog is often thinking similar things. But this book isn't just for dog lovers. Anybody who likes a bit of a laugh and enjoys a mystery or PI story will love going along on the case with Chet & Bernie.I'm totally hooked - loved it and will definitely stick with the series. The only bad part is that I read it 5 months before it's even released, which means I'll have to wait even longer until book 3 comes out! But in the mean time, I'm going to go back and read Dog On It - the first in the series.