Grandpa Steiner Saves the World (from Illegal Aliens (from Space))

By Eric Muss-Barnes

Grandpa Steiner offends everyone. He doesn't mean to. It just happens. During his youth, his attitudes were commonplace and perfectly acceptable. As the conventions of society change around him, and more and more of his opinions become derided as obsolete, Grandpa Steiner decides to start a blog, to vent his frustrations upon the Internet.

Little does Grandpa Steiner know, when a race of space aliens secretly decide to obliterate mankind, they regard his blog as the only redeeming quality of humanity. Grandpa Steiner inadvertently causes the aliens to reconsider, thereby sparing the world from annihilation.

But when his popular essays cause a media backlash and his family convinces Grandpa Steiner to stop his politically incorrect rants, will the prevailing "culture of damn sissies" spell doom for the Earth?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eric Muss-Barnes
• Release date: Oct 29, 2015

Eric Muss-Barnes

Raised by the 1940's swingkid generation of his maternal grandparents, Eric Muss-Barnes grew up 2500 miles outside of Los Angeles; has spent years working at Walt Disney Studios; piloted hang gliders over 6000 feet above the Earth; dated fashion models, rockstar goddesses and glamazon actresses; been thrown and dragged by horses (arguably similar to his dating experiences); earned a living as an American Greetings toymaker and a Hollywood game designer; ridden motorcycles through mountains and desert sandstorms (make that "over" mountains, he's not Buckaroo Banzai); produced, directed and edited music videos and an award-nominated film; briefly wed a tattooed MENSA astrophysicist chick; crewed on an Academy Award nominated movie; skateboarded in pools all around California with XGames medalists; written an epic series of vampire novels; photographed numerous Playboy models and sold his images in art galleries; been published in multiple fiction/non-fiction anthologies; served 12 years hard time in parochial schools; and created and programmed a blog called InkShard where you can see videos and essays about his life as a writer.

Book preview

Chapter One

Grandpa Steiner was hit with the odor of fluorescent lights and dusty linoleum as the rubber floormat magically opened the automatic doors of Discount Drug Mart.

There to pick up her monthly prescription, Grandma Steiner walked a few feet ahead of Grandpa. As usual, he shuffled more than walked. Taking his good old time.

The security guard, a rather hefty black woman with a thick ghetto accent, greeted Grandma Steiner as she walked past. Good afta’noon, ma’am. Welcome to Discoun’ Drug Mawt.

Hello, Grandma Steiner said with a friendly smile.

Good af’noon, sir. How is you today? The security guard asked.

Grandpa Steiner frowned and grumbled, Oh, I’m pussy good!

The checkout lines froze.

The security guard gasped.

Grandpa! Grandma chided in shock.

The security guard turned to one of the cashiers, Did ya’ll hear dat!? Ya’ll hear what dat ol’ man said to me!?

Grandpa Steiner smirked his little mischievous grin and continued shuffling. Grandma wasn’t about to let him get off so easy. "What’s the matter with you? Honestly! Talking like that."

Oh, Grandpa Steiner brushed her words, I’m just joking around.

"Well, I’m not laughing. You think that’s supposed to be funny?"

Grandpa Steiner wanted to say, "I know it’s supposed to be funny." But, in the interest of marital diplomacy, he said nothing.

What am I going to do with you? Grandma Steiner asked the bars of soap lining the aisle as they walked.

Grandpa Steiner giggled to himself. Funny how people could get in such a tizzy over something so innocuous. He wore his age comfortably and proudly, loving that he had finally reached the years where he could be the dirty old man. At long last, he could revel in his time. He wanted to be a dirty old man when he was 22 years old, but when he was that young, people just called him a jerk. At 32, he was creepy. At 42, he was a pervert. Now, he had finally graduated to dirty old man. Bliss.

The couple made their way to the pharmacy. Ever the gentleman to his loving wife, Grandpa Steiner waited in line on her behalf while Grandma, sitting on a bench between the condom display and the vitamin rack, read some women’s magazines.

She was still fuming at him.

Grandpa Steiner had forgotten all about it by the time he reached the counter.

Hey, Mr. Steiner, the assistant pharmacist grinned, taking his paperwork.

Hey, Annie. Been behaving yourself? Grandpa wore his dentures today and flashed the cute young assistant that dazzling porcelain smile.

Of course! Annie blushed. Sure, he was naughty, but she loved the playful attention of dirty old Grandpa Steiner.

Ain’t been having any fun then, have you? Grandpa Steiner winked.

Annie laughed politely, as if she hadn’t heard him tell that same joke every single month.

Grandma Steiner would have rolled her eyes, but after so many decades of marriage, husbands and wives just start to tune each other out. Grandma may have still been angry over the pussy good remark, but when Grandpa Steiner made the joke about misbehaving, she didn’t even hear him say that wisecrack anymore.

Annie handed the medication over to Grandpa Steiner. Have a nice afternoon.

You too, Annie.

Bye, bye, now.

So long.

Grandma grabbed her purse and the two made their way back to the checkout counter.

That’s him. Right there, the security guard pointed at Grandpa Steiner and the two police officers approached him.

Sir, may I see some identification? One officer asked.

Identification? Sure. What’s this about? Grandpa Steiner handed over his driver’s license.

What’s this all about? Grandma Steiner repeated.

Please step aside ma’am. The cop shoved out a hand, pushing Grandma Steiner away from the checkout aisle.

Mr. Steiner, the police officer motioned the license at the security guard, did you speak to Ms. Hayes upon entering the store today?

Yes. I just -

" - Did you touch Ms. Hayes upon entering the store today?"

Grandpa Steiner looked confused, "Touch her? No. I never touc - "

- Sir, please place your hands on the counter.

What? Grandpa Steiner asked, Why?

Place your hands upon the counter, sir.

Grandpa Steiner complied and the police officers handcuffed him.

As he was frisked, they found a 1911 in his belt.

Sir, do you have a permit for this sidearm?

Yes, sir. I’ve been registered to carry since 1972. My permit is in my wallet.

Other customers gasped. One of them had been shooting video of everything with his cellphone. Cool!

Grandma Steiner asked, What are you doing!? What’s going on?

Please step aside, ma’am. The police officer told Grandma Steiner. I won’t ask you again.

The second police officer explained to Grandpa Steiner, Sir, we have a statement from the security guard, Ms. Hayes, and from two eyewitness accounts that upon entering the store today, you used profane language and touched Ms. Hayes in an inappropriate manner.

"Touched her? I never touched her. This is ridiculous! I just made a little joke." Grandpa Steiner protested.

Groping women’s bodies is not a joke, sir. The officer said angrily.

He never touched her! This is crazy! Grandma Steiner defended.

The police continued, Mr. Steiner, you are under arrest for physical assault, disorderly conduct and sexual harassment and illegal possession of a firearm.

Illegal!? Grandma Steiner yelled. He just told you he has a permit!

Ignoring her, the police continued, You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand your rights as I have explained them to you?

This is crazy!

Sir, if you continue to resist this arrest, I am authorized to use force to restrain you. Now, are you going to resist any further?

I’m not resisting. No, sir.

Do you understand your rights as I have explained them to you?

Grandpa Steiner confirmed, Yes, I understand. I’m not resisting.

The police started to lead Grandpa Steiner out to their squadcar.

Wait! Grandma Steiner called. You can’t just take him like this!

Some customers clapped.

Others cheered.

Sexual predator!

Rapist!

Serves you right, old pervert! Shouted the security guard, Ms. Hayes.

The store manager, who was standing in the doorway of his office the whole time, cast Ms. Hayes a disapproving look.

What? Ms. Hayes asked in her thick Ebonics accent. "I ain’t toleratin’ no disrespectin’! That’ll teach yo’ old cracka ass to speak that way to a strong black woman!"

He was totally disrespectful. A gum-popping cashier agreed.

The manager was proud of his employees and grateful they remained level-headed in the face of such a violent and subversive man. Resisting arrest. Assault. Disorderly conduct. Sexual harassment. Who would have known such a gentle-looking man could be such a menace to the public?

Alright, people. Back to work. The manager ordered. Ms. Hayes, I understand this has been a difficult day for you. If you wish, you can take off the remainder of the afternoon.

Damn right, I will! With pay! You ain’t dockin’ no pay!

No, ma’am. With pay.

Damn straight. I knows my rights! Ms. Hayes walked through the nearest Employees Only door and disappeared. As she walked back to the breakroom, her nappy empty-headed-skull proudly swam with the misinformation that she was entitled to many rights that were not actually afforded to her at all. Ignorantly mumbling, she threatened she’d call the ALC and report yo’ white ass if her boss docked her pay. Ms. Hayes had no idea that she meant the ACLU - American Civil Liberties Union - because she was too uneducated to know she had the abbreviation wrong.

The manager walked back to the pharmacy, to see if the assistant pharmacist, Annie, also needed to press charges against the sexual predator, Grandpa Steiner.

Annie, cowardly fearing her job might be at stake if she didn’t conform and complain, pretended to have felt a little uncomfortable by Grandpa Steiner’s remarks, despite the fact that his comments never upset her in the slightest.

Ω

Forty years earlier...

Ω

Spanky was 3 years old when he rubbed the magic genie lamp.

I wish Cotton was a monkey. I wish Cotton was a monkey!

Cotton was a little black boy, even younger than Spanky. Turning to Cotton, Spanky informed him, Hey, Cotton. I wish you was a monkey.

Cotton nodded, Okay.

Cotton’s older brother, Stymie, scolded Spanky, telling him, Hey, be careful whatchoo wishin’ fo’! That lamp might work!

All he needs is a tail!

Ω

President Herbert of Tau Ceti had watched this Earth broadcast a dozen times in the past 3 days, and he still drowned in tears of laughter everytime he saw it.

News of The Little Rascals broadcast, including the A Lad an’ a Lamp episode from 1932, had quickly spread around the universe. Finally, the bald monkeys of Earth appeared able to have enough self-deprecating humor to laugh at their differences and celebrate life. Plus, they had at long last gained the technology for interstellar broadcasts. Granted, it was still on primitive visible radiowave frequencies, existing only in the physical dimensions, but it showed a promise few species typically exhibit, until much later in their evolutionary process.

Perhaps the bald monkeys, on the little beacon of Earth, were finally ready to be part of the interstellar community.

After a brief debate with The Intergalactic Counsel, it was unanimously decided - Tau Ceti would make formal contact with Earth and invite the bald monkeys to join the interstellar community. They were still primitive and would only be Charter Members for an introductory millennium, but in the subsequent centuries, they may have something of value to contribute to the universe. At last, they had proven themselves worthy of the proper maturity and technological advances to claim a representative seat with the governing body which determines the fate of all biosphere planets in the galaxy.

An armada of goodwill ships were sent immediately.

Within a few short Earth decades, they would arrive.

Spanky McFarlane became an unwitting ambassador for all mankind.

At last, humanity would be given the answer to the ageless question:

No. We are not alone in the universe.

Ω

Sophie Kember and her husband, Ryan, pulled into the Discount Drug Mart parking lot to pick up her mother, Grandma Steiner. Since Grandma Steiner never got a drivers license, she was stranded and couldn’t drive herself home once Grandpa was taken away.

While Grandma Steiner’s son-in-law took Grandpa Steiner’s car to the police station to pick him up, Sophie drove her mother home.

"He said what?" Sophie asked, stopping at the next traffic light.

"Don’t make me repeat that. I said the security lady asked how he was doing and your father said, ‘Oh, I’m doing pussy good.’" Grandma Steiner furiously shook her head at the window, not even looking at her daughter.

Sophie pursed her lips and was nearly in tears as she tried to hold back her laughter. She knew if she so much as chuckled, her mother would have a conniption.

Sophie didn’t approve of what her father had done.

Ordinarily, she probably wouldn’t have even laughed.

But, somehow, hearing her prim and proper mother tell the story made it hilarious.

That’s terrible! Sophie said. Speaking made it easier to keep from laughing, so she talked more, Why on earth would he say something like that?

I. Don’t. Know. You know your father. Always trying to be a smart-alack.

Sophie wrinkled her face at the windshield. "Well, mom, I can’t believe they arrested him for that! That’s crazy!"

Grandma Steiner patted her purse in her lap. "Oh, the people loved it too! You should have seen them in the store. They all thought he deserved it! I won’t be shopping there anymore."

Grandma Steiner began to weep.

Maybe her husband was a dirty old man, but he was harmless. He certainly didn’t deserve to be humiliated in public in such a way. Not for such an idle comment. Grandma Steiner didn’t find it amusing, but he was only kidding. You don’t throw people in jail for making a joke! Even if the joke is tasteless. What was this world coming to?

Mom? Mom, are you okay? Sophie reached a hand toward her mom while trying to keep her eyes on the road.

Grandma Steiner cried, "No, I’m not okay! They arrested him! They arrested your father for that! They just pushed me aside and took him away! That’s not right! They can’t do that to people!"

I know, mom.

"He fought a war for this country! Then he makes a joke to some damn colored woman and he gets thrown in jail? How is that right?" Her lower lip trembled as she dug in her purse for some tissues.

Don’t cry, mom. Ryan will bring dad right back home.

I know. I know. Damn coloreds.

Sophie wasn’t about to correct her mother and tell her the proper term was African American. Since her mother was upset, Sophie just let it go. Instead, Sophie said, I’m sure a white security guard would have called the police too.

"Oh, you know what I mean! Her mother replied. That stupid... bitch. Grandma Steiner put her hand over her mouth. She wasn’t the type to talk that way. Sorry. But that’s what she is!"

I know, mom. You’re right. Sophie gave people too much credit and consequently, she didn’t honestly think the security guard was a bitch, but she just wanted to comfort her mother.

Had Sophie understood people better, she’d know Ms. Hayes was a bitch and three-quarters with a piss-flavored cherry on top.

Ω

Well, I hope you’re happy now! Grandma Steiner threw down her dishrag and yelled at her husband the moment he walked in the door. Ryan was right behind him. He spotted his wife in the room and gave her a quick shrug.

Sophie motioned to Ryan, so they could leave her parents alone.

As Ryan and Sophie exited the kitchen, Grandpa Steiner looked at his wife and said, Well.

A long pause followed.

Glaring at him, Grandma Steiner grew even more furious as silence hung in the air and looped into a noose. "‘Well?’ That’s all you have to say? ‘Well!?’ Honestly! What happens if you go to jail? How do you expect me to get by? Do you even think of anything but yourself?"

Now, pipe down! Grandpa Steiner held up his hand, I didn’t do this on purpose.

"Well, why don’t you think before you say those kind of things? You just think you’re being funny? Now look where it gets you!"

Grandpa Steiner wasn’t embarrassed. He wasn’t ashamed. He really didn’t give a fuck.

But he did love his wife. Very much.

And he knew this whole thing was upsetting for her.

And for that, Grandpa Steiner was truly sorry.

In that moment, Grandpa Steiner realized he shouldn’t try to defend himself. He would simply apologize to her and do all he could to make it up to her. What was done to him was wrong and clearly an injustice, but that didn’t matter. His wife was right. This wasn’t about him. This was about her. She was hurt. She was scared. She was worried.

He didn’t want her to feel that way.

Defending himself in a court would be easy, but he became utterly defenseless when he was being judged by her.

To his wife, he could only care to comfort her heart.

I know. Grandpa Steiner admitted. You’re right. I’m sorry, honey.

"Oh, don’t honey me!"

"You know I didn’t want this. If I knew this would happen, I never would have said a word to that woman. You know, there was a time in this country when joking around didn’t get you arrested."

You always think you’re so clever. You’re not as funny as you think you are. Sometimes you’re just so inappropriate!

I’m sorry. You’re right. Grandpa Steiner didn’t really agree with her at all, but, again, he just wanted to smooth things over. He felt awful that his wife was so upset and he couldn’t deny she had every right to be.

The room grew uncomfortably quiet.

Grandma Steiner didn’t say a word.

The silence made Sophie and Ryan come back into the kitchen.

Everything okay now, dad? Sophie asked, timidly. What happens next? That woman isn’t suing or anything, is she?

Grandma Steiner began to throw dried silverware into the drawer. Those damn coloreds! You should know better than say something to a negro woman like that. All think they’re ‘entitled’ is what they are!

Now that everyone had calmed down more, Sophie corrected her mother this time, "Mom, she’s an African American, not colored."

"Oh, she’s a nigger is what she is!"

Dad!

Ryan smirked at his father-in-law for only a split second, grateful that his wife hadn’t seen him do it.

Grandpa Steiner folded up his shoulders and asked, "What? First you had to say ‘colored’. Then you had to say ‘black’. Then you have to call them ‘African Americans’. These stupid niggers can’t make up their mind from one generation to the next what the hell they want to be called! If your mother wants to call them colored, then they’re colored."

"Colored is offensive, dad. So is the n-word!"

"Oh, gimme a break. Offensive. Colored is offensive now? Why? Why is it offensive? Tell me, how did a word that was perfectly acceptable in one generation become offensive in the next? Who made that decision? Who was the authority to declare that? Did that NAPC mail out some pamphlets to all the white homes, informing all of us what is the latest proper terminology to use?"

Sophie corrected his abbreviation, "Dad, they’re called the NAACP. It just is offensive, dad. Colored is offensive. White people shouldn’t say it."

"White people? Now you’re telling me word usage is to be segregated based on skin color? Your skin color determines what noises you’re allowed to make with your mouth!? The NAACP has the word ‘Colored’ in their name! National Association for the Advancement of Colored People! Now you claim that word is offensive!? Don’t you hear how insane that sounds? Where is the logic in that? An organization calling people ‘colored’, and founded by colored people, and now you say colored is offensive!? Grandpa Steiner motioned around the kitchen as if looking for someone. Says who?"

"It just is!" Sophie corrected.

"What about the United Negro College Fund? I can’t mention that organization anymore either? UNCF is bad because ‘Negro’ offends people too, I suppose?"

Of course!

"Of course? Oh? And how would you know this? Have you been appointed to regulate proper Caucasian terminology by the African American community? ‘It just is?’ That’s not an answer. What kind of reason is that? You know what’s offensive? People expecting me to waste my breath saying African American. That’s seven goddamn syllables. Black is one. You can call the niggers African Americans. I’m calling them black. Gonna spend the least amount of breath on those niggers as I can."

Grandpa Steiner wasn’t a hateful racist. He didn’t mean anything he said in a cruel way. That was just his anger talking. He was just lashing out and venting his rage over the fact he had been arrested for something so inane and unjustified, not to mention the fact that the public seemed to be so happy about it.

Worst of all, he knew by using such language, no one would ever take his side. Saying pussy instead of pretty landed him in handcuffs. In the time he spent at the police station, he had plenty of time to become angry and realize how unjust and deranged it was, to condemn a man because of a single word.

He didn’t understand the constant homogenizing of language. The whole idea was retarded. He smirked to himself, thinking about how they stole that word away too. Retards became mentally handicapped then mentally challenged and now developmentally delayed. Always use the latest proper term, so as not to upset anybody.

Where would it all end?

Sophie was done arguing. This wasn’t where she wanted this topic to go. Sighing, she ran her finger across her scalp.

You didn’t answer my question from earlier. Sophie said, eager to change the subject.

What question? Her father barked.

What happens next? Is that woman suing you?

Ryan spoke up for the first time and explained, They said down at the station he’d have to go to trial in a few weeks. Most likely it will just result in a suspended sentence or community service or something.

What will be? I don’t understand. Grandma Steiner interjected.

His sentence. The judge will give him community service. Ryan said.

Then what? Sophie wondered.

Then he could go to jail! Grandma Steiner angrily spat.

No, mom. Ryan explained, It doesn’t work like that. He won’t go to jail. Just community service, then that’s it. It’s all over. You can put it behind you.

Finishing the dishes, Grandma Steiner huffed and announced, "Well, I’m putting it behind me right now."

With that, she stormed out of the kitchen and headed upstairs.

Sophie looked at her father and husband. Then, she turned to leave, calling out to her mother.

Grandpa Steiner resigned himself to the situation.

He had been married long enough to know when to chase after his wife and when to leave her alone. This was a time to leave her alone.

Walking over to his favorite easy-chair, he turned on the television.

Ryan sat on the couch, patting his palms on his knees.

Well.

Well, you have anything you want to watch? Grandpa Steiner asked his son-in-law.

Ryan shrugged, No. Nothing in particular.

Grandpa Steiner muttered and flipped across a few channels, stopping on a rerun of All In The Family.

Chapter Two

Archie Bunker hesitated to drink out of the same glass as Sammy Davis Jr., not a moment after Sammy proposed a toast to friendship.

As he stared awkwardly at the cup, the live studio audience burst out in laughter during Archie’s moment of uncomfortable silence.

What are you looking at Barney? You’re done now. Get the hell outta here! Archie yelled at his friend.

You’re cranky today, Archie! Barney Hefner yelled back and stormed from the room.

Ω

Commander Johann Bayer, Supreme Chancellor of the Tau Ceti Goodwill Fleet journeying to Earth, was astonished at the discovery of the television show All In The Family and sent word back to Tau Ceti immediately. Being only a few years away from arriving on Earth, the signals reached the fleet far before they would reach his homeworld.

Everything they had anticipated about these bald monkeys was wrong. They thought this species had evolved into something special. Seeing the attitudes and outlook of a character like Archie Bunker, the Commander realized those old television programs were nothing compared to where their culture had progressed.

Clearly, Archie Bunker illustrated the pinnacle of their evolution.

These creatures were far more wonderfully advanced than anyone on Tau Ceti had dared to imagine!

Meathead! Soon would become a catchphrase back on Tau Ceti.

Chapter Three

Holy crap. Jerome Kember said to his laptop. Collapsing the screen and dashing from his room, he yelled, Mom! Dad! You have to see this! Grandpa is on the Internet!

In a video entitled Pussy Good, there had been 712,260 views of Grandpa Steiner being arrested. Somehow, someone uploaded security camera footage of the pussy good comment and edited it into one of the subsequent cellphone videos of the arrest.

The AutoTune version of the video had 1,138,187 views.

He had only been arrested two days earlier.

Due to the odd angle of the security camera, as Grandpa Steiner passed Ms. Hayes, it looked like he may have smacked her on the butt. In actuality, this was just his hand flicking back from the turnstyles at the entrance to the drugstore. Endless comments on the video argued for and against the likelihood that he was actually patting her ass.

Mom, look! Look! Grandpa is on the Internet! Jerome repeated.

On the Internet? Sophie asked, wiping mayonnaise on some bread.

Ryan was standing in the kitchen too, pouring a glass of juice, when Jerome set his laptop on the table for both of his parents to see.

Look! Jerome pointed at the screen, his eyes flaring.

Sophie saw the footage of her dad and slipped her index finger over her lip. Oh, my gosh.

Ryan rubbed his chin, Oh, Lord.

There was a short pause of silence as the family watched their father-in-law, grandfather and father getting humiliated online.

You think grandpa knows about this? Jerome asked his parents.

There was an uneasy silence as his mom thought about it.

I doubt it. Sophie eventually said as she shook her head.

Mom. Look at the views! It’s only been up for like a day!

Jerome’s dad noticed the numbers and was shocked, stating the obvious, Oh, wow. This thing is completely viral.

Ryan had just learned the term viral video and wanted to appear hip to his son. Jerome didn’t even notice his dad said it.

Jerome knew his entire freshman class would be talking about it when he went back to school on Monday. At first, he thought that was awesome. His grandpa gets to be an Internet celebrity!

Then Jerome started reading the ignorant comments on the video.

Ω

ell2datee

fagggot old perv

manutd013013

da nigger bitch lucky he didnt have no walker with him

xDemolokiller101

you people are disguting

JzBravo342

ignorance perpetuated on a grand scale. Beyond pathetic.

raquelvee

Black woman. I am for real.

damassi83

i dont like black guys im black women black guys have so much selfhatred its sad i gave up on them i prefer white and any other race not black tho

nikidijawenn

who let him out of teh nursing home?

hnguyen218

Black women have stinky pussies

odiesmum2012

good boy meets whore yeah, yeah. do her in buddy

sblack812

if u dont wanna listen then get the fuck off teh channel he is the main host dumbass

ZEEK38JA4

Liberals don’t like women. Liberals prefer animals & trannies.

uncleshrek334

Shes mad cuz shes old?

Albina04fu

someone watches a lot of amateur porn apparently

caelumxcx

I suck big juicy dolphin cocks with your mother.

Ω

Jerome couldn’t understand how so many people on the Internet could be so incredibly uneducated. Not only were they incapable of forming a coherent sentence or spelling anything properly, but their comments never seemed to reflect even a vague understanding of what they were watching.

He knew most of them were too stupid to know the difference between to and too and two, or there and their and they’re, or your and you’re, or brake and break, but he found himself terrified by just how deep their ignorance sank.

From time to time, Jerome found himself on a forum and he’d see posts with such atrocious spelling, inane sentence structures and poor grammar that he’d immediately close the thread and find another post. He wouldn’t respond. He wouldn’t join the conversation. If people can’t bother to communicate in proper English, they are not worth his time. Besides, he rationalized that anyone with such a flagrant disregard for basic language prowess clearly lacks the mental capacity to absorb or care about any reply Jerome might provide. No use in attempting to communicate with inferior intellects who have no reading comprehension skills.

But sometimes Jerome would have to wonder...

Might he be wrong? He remembered on one forum, a regular poster had awful writing ability, but later explained he had a learning disability and a form of dyslexia. So, while he actually was a fairly bright fellow, he simply couldn’t construct written words very well. Thus, communicating via textual language made him seem colossally dense. Or, sometimes, you find out the poster is 12 years old and attending public school. Jerome thought it was a wonder when a public school kid possesses the aptitude to turn on a computer, let alone write anything. So, he had to cut them a little slack too.

Grandpa Steiner once told Jerome he was too old to be governed by a fear of stupid people. Nevertheless, the more he thought about the consequences of being noticed by stupid people, Jerome slowly became more and more apprehensive. Being an Internet celebrity didn’t seem so awesome anymore.

He didn’t want the lowlifes of humanity judging his grandfather and posting all kinds of insulting crap about him.

For that matter, he didn’t even want these people being supportive.

What’s so great about being supported by fucking retards?

As if reading his mind, his mother said, You know these things never last. It’s going to be a big deal for a few days. Two or three weeks from now, nobody will remember this video anymore.

That’s true. Jerome conceded.

Are you going to tell him? Ryan asked his wife.

Sophie picked up the phone. No. I’m not telling him.

Who you calling then? Ryan asked.

My brother.

Why?

"I’m calling David, so he doesn’t tell dad either."

Jerome bit his lip.

He wasn’t about to let his mother know that before he came downstairs, he had just emailed the link to his grandfather.

Oops.

Uh... Mom?

Chapter Four

Commander Johann Bayer sat at his control console in utter shock. He had watched the Earth broadcast from one of their news stations twice already. There had to be some sort of misunderstanding. Dismayed by what he had seen, he could barely move.

Ω

Starting its new season, the most recent episode of South Park used the n-word over three dozen times. When the character of Stan Marsh’s dad says the dubious word on a national television gameshow, he is thereafter called the n-word guy and discriminated against. As a result, he is subjected to the type of prejudice treatment experienced by African Americans, simply because he had spoken such an offensive word.

Reporting from the news, one South Park viewer said: It’s not really the word that’s important; look at what’s going on inside. That’s what I got.

The report went on to say: "Devon and Jill Blossoms, who co-founded the organization No More N-Word tell us that, in this case, using it was appropriate: ‘This show, in its own comedic way, is helping to educate people about the power of this word and how it feels to have hate language directed at you.’ Clearly this program proved to be both educational and uplifting to the African American community as well as all other cultures. Rather than an abuse of a hateful term, it showed a lesson in compassion."

Concluding the episode, the news station said, "Daily Variety TV editor, Mike Schneider, says it all needs to be taken in context: ‘You can’t just take it on surface, what they did on the show. To some degree, there’s a complicated story line and you have to watch the entire episode to get to sort of a moral at the end.’"

Ω

Commander Johann Bayer was astonished. Mortified.

They actually used the n-word in place of nigger in news reports? Their repressive media had become so afraid of defying politically correct behavior that even journalistic outlets, designed to inform and enlighten, were censoring their own communications? Could this possibly be the same species and culture that had so easily mocked and ridiculed itself only a few years earlier? How could it be that only a few decades later, their society had regressed so much?

Further research revealed faggot had become the f-word.

Retarded had become the r-word.

The entire bald monkey culture was becoming terrified of language.

He feared they had made a grave mistake about Earthlings.

Perhaps the bald monkeys were not as evolved as he and his people had been lead to believe. Perhaps they are still concerned with far too many trivial sociological issues.

Not wanting to make any rash decisions, he decided to forward this information back to Tau Ceti.

At the same time, he chose anthropologist Dr. Frank Sagan, and two of his best security officers, Bruce McClain and Arnold Balboa, to take a translight shuttle ahead to Earth. They would act as scouts for the expedition and arrive upon Earth a year before the rest of the fleet, giving them ample time to observe and report