Jesus Christ Fundamentalist Christian Slayer

By James Panetta

The second coming didn’t work out exactly the way the Fundamentalists expected. Jesus is back and he’s taking down religious wackos, nut cases and theocratic overlords obsessed with taking the world back to the dark ages. With his new apostles and a butt load of firepower he’ll take down the theocracy. This time you die for your own sins! That was the description from the back of the book. Jesus Christ Fundamentalist Christian Slayer, has the feel of a good old fashioned B movie with a deep concentration of political and social commentary. With a lot of action, and even more comedy, this story tries to show the world how insane and idiotic a theocracy can be, and that really it is a bad idea to try. Add to all of this that Jesus is in fact an alien soldier who first visited Earth two thousand years ago, and partied the whole time until his own forces picked him up, just makes it all the crazier. However, its still more plausible than anything that can be found in the bible. As it states in the book, if any of the characters inside offend you, then don't act like them.

• Language: English
• Publisher: James Panetta
• Release date: Dec 30, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311195180

James Panetta

Where to start? I graduated from Penn State in 1997 with, believe it or not, a degree in Aerospace Engineering. Yes, I'm a rocket scientist, and I have the poor spelling to prove it (if you don't believe that look at all the mistakes on a blue print). I was in Army ROTC but I was downsized just prior to commissioning. My first engineering job was with a company in Blue Bell PA doing design work for plastic extruders. Every time you look at a truck bed liner or a plastic lid think of me. Never got a job in my field and when the price of gas went up (primary component of plastic) I was laid off. I went back to school at Drexel University where I got my Masters in Education and 70,000 more in debt. I taught science and math as a substitute teacher in Philadelphia where lets say my life was threatened everyday, so it was kind of fun (military training really got put to use). Right now I work full time for a place I can’t mention but can say its sports related.I was always writing and drawing all through what was mentioned above. While I was at Penn State I even put out a sci-fi comic called Saber in the local comic book stores. I linked up with a film school student and started doing anime parodies. Basically you just reedit and re-dub the footage with a usually very adult and silly theme. They were shown at a few conventions. Next we did a live action project called Fan Wars, which was a parody of a certain 6 movie sci-fi classic. That was around when I met the co-founder of IkuZo! Studios Christopher A. Ryons. After Fan Wars, we filmed Merc Force which is the original pilot for MERCS (its on Netflix now), that’s when Mike Pringle joined the crew. It wasn't to bad for a first movie and I take pride that my first was an action movie. Bad special effects yes, but it got distributed. Next I did two horror movies "Death from Beyond', and "Death From Beyond II", also available on Netflix, and distributed by Brain Damage Films. I published my first novel, “TBG To Be A God”, now on Kindle and Nook. MERCS my science fiction television series is now airing on MaddyG TV a ROKU station. Tortured Tales, a Horror Movie anthology I’m working on with Wet Kiss Productions will be available soon.

Book preview

Jesus Christ Fundamentalist

Christian Slayer

James Panetta

Editing by Renee Papaneri

Copyright © 2014 James Panetta

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 1496084551

ISBN-13: 978-1496084552

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to the most wonderful and beautiful woman in the world.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

1 Second Coming

2 Introducing Theocracy

3 The New Apostle

4 Meet the RIP

5 The Truth Behind Politics

6 A Brief Interlude

7 Take Me Out to the Ballpark

8 Re-Boot

9 Allies

10 When the Lord Comes a Knocking…

11 Light at the End of the Tunnel

12 Whistle Blower

13 Judgment Day

14 Enjoy the New World

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

What to acknowledge? I acknowledge the fact that this book is going to offend many people. My only suggestion on dealing with that offense is this: If you don’t act like the characters in this book, then you have no reason to be offended. If you do act like any of the characters in this book, then you should be offended and change your ways. Other than that, I would suggest developing a sense of humor.

Chapter 1

Second coming

The alley was dark and dirty like most in Philadelphia those days. It was ruled by rats and waste with as much vigor as the humans ruled the world, or thought they did beside it. The alley was a sharp contrast to the fairly opulent street outside which was part of Center City Philadelphia. One of the few areas of the city still considered nice, the Northeast having gone down years before. The rats that rule the alley didn’t care; in the end they would rule the entire city. When the humans slept they would scurry from their holes, avoid the traps set for them by those who confidently felt they controlled the city, and feed. When the humans woke, they would find that the creatures they considered insignificant shattered their illusions of control. The rich and powerful of the human world thought the same about those they considered beneath them. Like the rats, the less fortunate humans simply hid and waited for their chance to make fools of those who were in power.

The world of the alley was disturbed by the appearance of long arcs of blue plasma dancing along the ground and the walls. The disturbance radiated from the center of the alley, and it wasn’t long before a glowing sphere of energy quickly faded in. Very rapidly a human form took shape inside the sphere. Within seconds the plasma and sphere disappeared leaving the form of a man down on one knee.

Jesus came to his feet dressed in his robes from the first century CE. His body arched into the pose of a renaissance painting of Christ on the cross, and he let out a cry of pain. Jesus rotated his hips and neck, making unnerving cracking sounds as he tried to stretch out all the kinks. The stretching didn’t help much.

Damn it I hate that teleport, Jesus whined as he took a few steps forward.

Once Jesus was sure that he could do no more good by just standing there and whining he stepped closer to the edge of the alley. Jesus sniffed the air a few times to take in the scent. Surprised, Jesus sniffed again and again to confirm his findings.

At least it doesn’t smell as bad as last time.

Jesus shrugged his shoulders and walked to the edge of the alley with caution. To his surprise he saw a busy street with what he considered primitive motor vehicles, and people wearing clothing made of synthetic fibers. That frustrated Jesus to no end. Not the fact that the humans had apparently advanced greatly since he had last visited, but rather that his computers and scanners had obviously misunderstood what the phrase blend in meant. Now he was going to have to explain that to the nearest and, without a doubt, most annoying device in his possession.

Jesus quickly ducked back into the alley and pulled out his personal scanner/computer. The little device would have appeared like an E-reader to any human, yet it had more computing power than all the super computers on the planet combined. With a frustrated sigh, Jesus activated the computer.

Display current styles and trends of the native population.

A holographic image projected from the device instantly. Muslim clothing was shown from an area that looked like the Middle East.

Current clothing matches, the computer said after a quick scan of Jesus.

Sensing that his faithful metallic traveling companion was about to be another victim of reprogram by laser blast, Jesus raised an eyebrow.

Really?

Jesus aimed the computer at the street outside in the vain hope that he could break the small AI device of its obvious delusion.

You still sure about that? asked Jesus.

The computer made a few clicking noises indicating that its microprocessors were deep in thought. Jesus rolled his eyes looking much the same as in any painting of the crucifixion.

What part of the planet are we on? Jesus asked maintaining his calm.

The scanner displayed a holographic image of North America.

What part of the planet did you scan for clothing? asked Jesus who already knew the answer to the question.

The computer displayed an image of Southwest Asia. Jesus face palmed.

Do you see the mistake? asked Jesus, again already knowing the answer.

Error based on point of original landing, began the computer. You did not ask this unit to compensate for new landing coordinates.

You know, you’re the worst piece of equipment I have.

Based on the current situation, your worst pieces of equipment would be your clothing and damaged ship, stated the computer.

Jesus seriously felt the urge to throw the annoying device out of the alley and see how it fared against one of the motor vehicles in the street. That would make him even worse off, so the little computerized know-it-all earned another day of life.

Just get me some local currency and a spot where I can find the components I need, said Jesus finally.

The computer went to work giving Jesus some extra time to take in his new surroundings. He looked out into the city from the edge of the alley. It was still primitive by the standards he’d grown accustomed to. At least their cities are still standing thought Jesus with a deep sense of regret. Jesus shook his head to clear his thoughts. He couldn’t let his emotions get the better of him, until he completed his task. Find the parts he needed, get the ship fixed, then… then what? Jesus put it out of his head and decided to admire the buildings outside. Some were nice, especially the white and blue one with the giant statue of a man in a funny hat.

Well, all things considered, they seem to have grown up, said Jesus to himself.

His thoughts were disturbed by the beeps coming from the computer indicating that it had finished its task. A wad of hundreds slid into Jesus’ hand, which he took a moment to examine. He tried to read the caption on the money, but strained his eyes, remembering the telepathic translator had some difficulty with the English language the previous night. Something about the language being made up of several different languages, that tended to conflict. After a moment the written language became clear and he saw that the caption declared, In God We Trust. Jesus just shook his head thinking that it was a bit of a let-down. After all this time they couldn’t seriously still believe in supernatural deities. It had to just be there for aesthetic purposes.

They still haven’t gotten away from putting people on their money. The artwork’s improved, though, he said out loud.

For the first part of his trip through the city there were relatively few people. A little too quiet for Jesus, he kept thinking he was walking into a trap. Jesus realized he was becoming too cynical and managed to dismiss those thoughts after a few moments. He had lived with too much war, too much fighting, too long away from civilization of any kind, and too much wandering. Jesus began to realize he was becoming too cynical. Home was gone. He remembered that he had liked Earth; maybe he would find a new home here. He looked like the humans, so maybe he could just blend in with their society.

The thoughts of blending in were crushed when Jesus started down South Street. There were people everywhere now. They noticed him or, more specifically, the clothes he was wearing. They were all staring at him. Most looked amused, but there were a few hostile looks from some of the people less colorfully dressed.

One man walked up to Jesus and slapped his hand with a smile. Jesus decided to return the smile.

Jesus, my man! said the man using the Spanish pronunciation of Jesus.

Jesus looked back at the man strangely as he continued off down the street. First Jesus wanted to know how the man knew his name, and second why he mispronounced it. Jesus also thought that perhaps the translation systems on his ship had made some kind of minor error.

Jesus’ thoughts were interrupted when a conservatively dressed, portly, middle-aged woman angrily blocked his path down the street. She looked as though she was ready to kill him.

You think it’s funny dressing up as Jesus? she demanded again using the Spanish pronunciation.

Jesus was confused. Perhaps they were mistaking him for someone else, instead of mispronouncing his name. Dressing up like who?

This time the woman used the English pronunciation of Jesus. Jesus! That’s really offensive puto. I’m calling the R.I.P.

So much for being mistaken for someone else, thought Jesus as she rushed past shoving him into a tree. Jesus wondered how anyone could know his identity on Earth. He’d been here two thousand of their years earlier, and they didn’t have the tech for any kind of recording devices back then. They could sculpt and paint, but he didn’t remember commissioning anything. He was also sure he didn’t make any kind of impression. All he’d done was heal a few people, and travel around for a couple of years sightseeing with open-minded locals while waiting for a rescue ship. There were a lot of teachers and rebels around Judea at that time, but he never really preached. He’d gotten crowds from healing people, but he’d tried to explain how it worked in simple terms that the locals could understand. On more than one occasion he had been called a Messiah, or the Christ. He tried to correct that right away, though never getting an adequate explanation of what those terms really meant. In the end he’d assumed they were just a way of saying thank you. It had to be some kind of misunderstanding, it was the only logical explanation.

Jesus quieted his musings when he noticed that the crowd was getting excited. They were calling her a religious nut, and a few other things he couldn’t quite make out. One phrase sounded like, fundi. Everything turned to screams when a group of black uniformed thugs stormed on to the street from all sides. All of them had a patch that said RIP., with a cross underneath. The RIP thugs started to attack and drag away everyone in sight, even those who were merely shopping. It reminded Jesus of what he had seen the Romans do on occasion in Judea. Jesus decided that being captured would definitely be no way to remain inconspicuous. He could only imagine what their primitive science would do to him when they discovered he was an alien, with an adaptive and variable genetic pattern.

Jesus ducked into what looked like a clothing store. At the very least he could get some clothes that were more appropriate for his new surroundings.

An hour later everything on South Street had quieted down. South Street was deserted, except for the occasional storeowner who stepped outside to close the metal gates over the windows of their stores. There was no point in remaining open if all the customers were gone.

Jesus stepped outside in his new clothes and noticed South Street had quieted down. More than ever he looked like a biker, with a black leather jacket, biker boots, blue jeans, and black t-shirt. Slung over his shoulder was a backpack he had also bought from the store, which contained his original outfit, and his tablet computer.

The eerie silence, on what was a busy street only an hour ago, had unnerved Jesus so much that he jumped when the happy store owner slapped him on the back in appreciation of the large sums he had spent that night. He was so elated that Jesus began to think that he might have been over-charged.

Nice doing business with you, Jesus, said the storeowner, adopting a Spanish accent at the end.

Jesus was about to correct him, but the corpulent old man had already ducked back inside. The lights quickly darkened and Jesus could hear locks being turned from inside. Jesus shrugged his shoulders and moved on. As he walked, feelings of apprehension began to wash over his mind again. The troops with the RIP patches didn’t do much for his security.

In a few hours Jesus reached Center City. Jesus noticed his surroundings had slowly become more opulent as he traveled north. He also noticed that there were more of what he had assumed were giant religious signs that his computer informed him were called billboards. Not all of them were friendly. One in particular read, Repent, end of the world in 2026. Others seemed to be against science or same sex relations. Jesus found it harder and harder to resolve the advanced technology he could see, with the fact that the religious and political views seemed so primitive. The last billboard that Jesus came across was one with an image of a figure that looked similar to him. A set of laws outlawing public and military service for homosexuals and atheists were on a bubble coming from the mouth of the image of Jesus.

Jesus pulled out his computer tablet, and aimed it at the billboard.

Is this being translated right?

The computer replied instantly. Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Are you really sure?

To within point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one percent accuracy.

Jesus put the tablet away and continued to look at the billboards. He felt his heart sink. The image was clearly a parody of his own; it even had his name above it. Either a new religion had formed around him, or the monotheist one he had come across in Judea had been modified.

Are these people out of their minds? asked Jesus to himself.

At the advanced level of technology Jesus observed, the planet should have grown out of the need for religion. Instead the humans looked like they had gone into religious overdrive. It was starting to look like it was all his fault.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of shouting from the other side of the street. Jesus turned his head in that direction and saw what he assumed was some kind of emergency vehicle. Towards the back of the vehicle there was a man with what Jesus assumed was a broken leg sitting on the curb holding a small communication device. There were two men standing over the injured man dressed in orange coats looking at some kind of card. The man holding the card shook his head.

Your insurance card is expired buddy, Jesus heard the man begin, I can’t take you.

The injured man had the response Jesus would have expected. You can’t just leave me here with a broken leg!

The man in the orange coat sounded sincere. I’m sorry, but they won’t even let you in the hospital. I’m sorry man.

The man in the orange coat handed the injured man back his card and then took off in the vehicle. The injured man cursed them out as they departed, then leaned back with a wince of pain.

Jesus shook his head and approached the man. He wasn’t sure how to take in the callous action he had just witnessed from who he could only assume were medics. Jesus decided from the get go, that if he was going to help he would have to do it discreetly.

Jesus sat down next to the injured man, who didn’t seem to be all that surprised by his appearance. Either he was too concerned about his injury, or the clothes Jesus had selected had enabled him to finally blend in.

Fucking bastards! exclaimed the injured man.

You got that right, was the only response Jesus could think of.

Jesus looked down at the injured man’s leg. When he moved in too close, the injured man was startled and tried to move aside. He only succeeded in causing himself more pain.

What are you doing? asked the injured man through clinched teeth.

I’ve got medical training, began Jesus, let me take a look.

The injured man relented and allowed Jesus to examine his leg. Just as Jesus had suspected, the man had a broken leg. That would take only a minimal amount of mental energy to heal.

Whoa, did you see that? shouted Jesus as he pointed down the street.

What? asked the injured man as he turned in the direction Jesus pointed.

Jesus’ hand glowed blue as he concentrated on the injured man’s leg. There was a sudden flash as the injured cells in the man’s leg regenerated instantaneously.

The injured man cried out, are you trying to kill me?

Jesus smiled and stood up. The injured man hadn’t noticed the glowing hand or the flash. That was good because Jesus didn’t think he would be able to come up with a good lie.

It’s only sprained, said Jesus confidently.

Are you crazy? responded the injured man.

Jesus extended a hand to the injured man, just try it.

The injured man took Jesus’ hand, and with his help slowly pulled himself to his feet. The injured man released his grip on Jesus’ hand and tried to stand on his own. He was a little unsteady at first, but quickly regained his