Out There: Outrageous Stories, Idylls, and Play Reviews

By Christopher G. Bremicker

From the laxative effects of diet green tea, a church luncheon, to a play about the Irish Civil War, this book pulls no punches. From creative nonfiction, like coats I owned but could not afford, science fiction, like time travel to the origin of the universe, and fiction, like a bus date where a sober couple relapse, this book is outlandish. Three stories about race are food for thought.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christopher G. Bremicker
• Release date: Sep 16, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311030160

Christopher G. Bremicker

Special Forces medic, 1968 to 1970, stationed at Ft. Bragg, NC; BA in English and MBA from University of Minnesota and course work in business education at University of Wisconsin-Superior; fisherman, grouse hunter, downhill skier, handball player; customer service at Walgreen's, hometown: Cable, Wisconsin.

Book preview

OUT THERE

Outrageous Stories, Idylls, and Play Reviews

By Christopher G. Bremicker

Copyright 2015 by Christopher G. Bremicker

Smashwords Edition

Cover image by: Miss Mae

Play reviews reprinted with permission of the Community Reporter.

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

PART I

GREEN TEA

I was addicted to Lipton’s diet green tea which was a laxative.

JUNO AND THE PAYCOCK

Review: Alcohol and the Irish Civil War destroy a family.

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU

Review: The son of an uptight family proposes to the daughter of a zany one.

THE MUSIC MAN

Review: A huckster comes to town.

ANNAPURNA

Review: A writer and his ex-wife are reunited.

ELLIOT, A SOLDIER’S FUGUE

Review: An Iraq Marine returns to war.

SKIN CANCER

Sunbathing in my youth caught up with me.

BEDBUGS

Although an exterminating company claimed I did not have them, my apartment manager ordered treatment.

PART II

COATS

I owned coats that cost more than I could afford.

THE BUS DATE

A young man and woman in recovery go out on the cheap.

THE HUNT

My brother and I shot one duck on a slow day of hunting.

THE MALL

I went to the Mall of America to pick up a computer.

THE COFFEE KLATCH II

A candidate for the city council and his wife visited the hi-rise.

THE HUNT II

We got wet on a rainy day of duck hunting.

A NEW LAPTOP

I bought a new laptop, returned it, and bought another.

KAIROS ALIVE

Traveling musicians brought people together at the hi-rise.

TRANQUILITY

A game of handball gave me peace.

THE VA

I described the hospital that saved my life tenfold.

PART III

THE NIGHT ALIVE

Review: A prostitute gives meaning to three men’s dismal lives.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Review: The Guthrie Theater brings Dickens’ classic to life.

THE TRIP

A time pilot traveled to the origin of man.

THE TRIP II

A time pilot traveled to the creation of the universe.

THE TRIP III

A time pilot guided American history.

THE TRIP IV

A time pilot traveled to his youth to change the course of an illness.

THE TRIP V

A time pilot traveled to the crucifixion.

THE BIG ONE II

I had my second heart attack.

MY GIRLFRIEND’S DEATH

My best friend at the hi-rise died suddenly.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Review: A complicated play portrays ambition, love, and personal growth.

PART IV

ONLY ONE SOPHIE

Review: A Jewish family mourns the death of a matriarch.

GREEN TEA II

Weaned to two bottles a day, I dropped another load.

CPR

I tried to save a man’s life.

WATERMELON HILL

Review: Three pregnant teenaged girls try unsuccessfully to keep their babies from adoption.

STORYTIME IN THE PILLOW FORT

Review: A girl finds happiness within her.

WEDNESDAY

Lunch at my church and a visit with Mormons helped heal me.

SKIN CANCER II

I was diagnosed for the sixth time.

WEDNESDAY II

I met a well-to-do man and concluded he had a limited life.

PART V

THE DRUNKEN GIRL

I did a good deed and got a girl in trouble home.

A NIGHT IN OLYMPUS

Review: Gods on a high school faculty turn a plain girl to a beauty.

CALENDAR GIRLS

Review: Six women pose nude for a calendar to raise money to treat cancer.

SOUTH PACIFIC

Review: A nurse from Arkansas falls in love with a plantation owner who fathered two Polynesian children.

THE EIGHTY-THREE

A bus that took me to work was full of interesting people.

GREEN TEA III

Unexpectedly, I dropped another load.

THE FIFTIETH REUNION

A man once popular but down on his luck fucked the homecoming queen.

PART VI

AN INTERLUDE

I dated a woman I met on the light rail station.

A RESEARCH PAPER

I discussed race in terms of my experience.

GREEN TEA IV

I dropped a load after drinking Diet Coke.

DENTISTS

I searched for a clinic to repair the damage caused by a bad dentist.

A RESEARCH PAPER II

A young man took Thurgood Industries to the cleaners.

BARS AND MEASURES

Review: A classical pianist visits his brother, a jazz bass player, in a prison visiting room.

A RESEARCH PAPER III

I liked most black people.

MY LITTLE RED BOOK

My core beliefs, after fighting for my life for forty years.

THINGS I LEARNED IN MY MBA PROGRAM

I learned things I never used.

ASTRONOMY

As a kid, I was science happy.

SENSE AND SENSIBILITY

Review: Two sisters, left destitute by the death of their father, fight for a husband and self-respect.

THE LIAR

Review: A new translation of an old French farce is hilarious.

GREEN TEA V

I never learned.

ORPHAN TRAIN

Review: A train takes orphans from New York to new homes in the Midwest.

THE PAPER DREAMS OF HARRY CHIN

The double life of a Chinese immigrant unravels.

AMY’S VIEW

A spunky girl takes on her famous mother and marries an ambitious husband.

OUT THERE, Outrageous Stories, Interludes, and Play Reviews:

PART I

GREEN TEA

I drank a lot of Lipton’s diet green tea. It was supposed to be good for you, almost as good as water. It also made you go, not urinate but defecate.

Today I drank six bottles of it in the morning. It was part of my prayer and meditation ritual before I started my day. I went to the bathroom, half an hour later. I went number two.

Then, before lunch, I drank another six bottles. My dietitian warned me that too many fluids created a loss of electrolytes which was bad for my heart. Also, I got lit up on the caffeine.

I liked the effect and diet green tea helped me formulate my writing plans for the day. It was better for me than coffee or soda pop. In effect, I prayed, meditated, and set up my day with a beverage that gave me the runs.

It never failed to work. Six bottles of diet green tea and I was on the can. It was a cleansing ritual and part of my morning devotions. Then I went on with my day of handball, writing, or work.

Usually, I got to the can on time. Sometimes I didn’t. I had a theory that if you needed a toilet, God would send you a toilet.

That theory was incorrect. I proved it wrong many times. There was the case of looking for a coffee shop to defecate in, being blocked from parking my car at a Starbuck’s, and finding another shop up the street.

I didn’t make it to their toilet in time and blew it out, with crap on the toilet seat and floor. I cleaned it up as best I could. I threw my underwear in the trash basket and wiped off the can with toilet paper.

I ran into two friends outside a restaurant next door who wanted to talk. I stopped and talked to them with crap in my pants. I was nonchalant as the stuff was wet on the seat of my pants. I put newspaper on the seat of the car for the drive home.

Delightful, you said? There was more. Many times at the airport, where I pushed wheelchairs, I drank iced tea and dropped a load while talking to a gate agent. The conversation was more important to me than propriety and I got to the can too late.

I threw my underwear in the waste basket, cleaned out my pants, and continued with my job. I pushed little old ladies in wheelchairs all day smelling like a turd. I wore dark pants.

However, today was my tour de force. As I said, I drank six more bottles of diet green tea before lunch. Then I got on the bus. The bus was five minutes late.

Everything was fine until we passed Selby Avenue when I started to feel queasy in my bowels. I prayed I could hold on until we got to University Avenue where a Popeye’s Louisiana Chicken fast food joint had a toilet. I got off the bus near the restaurant.

I started to let go. I ran to the door of the place, walked in, and pulled on the door of the men’s restroom. It was locked. I tried the women’s restroom and the door opened. All this time, I was taking a crap, a wet one.

Inside, I tore off my jacket, unbuckled and unzipped my pants, and sat down. As soon as I lowered my pants, a load of crap hit the floor. My ass sloshed onto the seat and I finished it off, with a wet, squirting, gushing crap.

It felt good to let go of lunch. We had Philly steak sandwiches and carrots. It went right through me.

I cleaned up the restroom as best I could. I threw my underwear in the waste basket, cleaned off my shoes, and put my pants back on. I left the restaurant quickly.

On the platform of the light rail, I hoped the cops did not come looking for me. The restaurant had cameras, I thought. Someone would have to clean up the mess. The manager would be thrilled. If the bus was on time, I would have made it.

I took the light rail to work and stood at the door to avoid people seeing my pants and sitting on a seat that would become soiled. I got off at my stop and walked to Thurgood Industries. I had fifteen minutes to find a pair of pants on the employee rack of black pants and sign in.

I walked into the store and ran to the rack, located in processing behind the donations site. I found a pair that were men’s pants. They looked big but they had pockets. They were not women’s pants, anyway.

I ran to the office restroom, took off my soiled pants, washed off my ass with wet toilet paper, and put on the new pants. They were huge. I threaded the belt through the loops, cinched it up, and rolled up the cuffs. They looked like Charlie Chaplin pants.

I got out of the stall, threw my old pants in the trash barrel, and walked to work. I signed in right on time. No one noticed the big pants, the crap on my belt and shoes, and the fact I wore no underwear. This was another adventure in the life of a man addicted to diet green tea.

I could not get enough of the stuff. I liked the high it gave me and the taste. I drank twelve bottles today, blew out my electrolytes, and dropped four or five loads. I bought new underwear often.

I even invented song lyrics to accompany my addiction: I’m taking a crap in the morning. I’m taking a crap at nine. I’m taking a crap in the morning. So get me to the can, get me to the can on time.

Dropping a load was a major part of my life. Friends warned me that drinking so much fluids was dangerous. In mixed company, I said Lipton’s diet green tea kept me regular.

I bought twenty cases, of twelve bottles each, every month or two. I paid five dollars a case, if I bought them at the right time. Otherwise, I paid seven dollars. I promised my dietitian I would switch to water when this order of diet green tea ran out.

I would miss the high of green tea but water gave me a high too. It was a different kind of high but I felt ready to make the switch. Water was the best drink and I felt anything else was kid’s stuff, even booze. As for Lipton’s diet green tea’s laxative effect, I would stop playing Russian roulette with the toilet.

JUNO AND THE PAYCOCK

By Sean O’Casey

At the Guthrie Theater

Wonderfully acted, funny, tragic, with split-second comic timing, Juno and the Paycock portrays the dissolution of a family against the backdrop of the Irish Civil War.

The father, called the Paycock, spends his days avoiding work. His son, Johnny, has an arm blown off from a bomb in the Irish War for Independence. His daughter, Mary, looks for a husband. His sidekick, Joxer, drinks and discusses Irish politics with him. His wife, Juno, keeps the family together in a working class tenement.

The family inherits money from a distant relative and spends it before they receive it. In the second act, the slum apartment is transformed into opulence. The family celebrates its good fortune.

The war goes on around them. News of a neighbor killed appears in the newspaper. The grief stricken mother of the neighbor enters when the family is celebrating. Later, her son’s funeral passes the window.

The money never comes. Creditors repossess the expensive furniture. An old friend takes back their new gramophone.

Mary is pregnant by the man who drew up the relative’s will. Johnny is beaten, arrested, and killed by IRA Republicans. In the end, Juno and Mary leave, Joxer retreats to a bar, and the Paycock sleeps drunk on the floor of an empty apartment.

It seems strange that a play so funny could be so tragic, at the same time. Humor and pain alternate. We laugh and a family is destroyed.

The play works. It is well constructed with elements of war, family, fun, and death overlaying each other. It is a comedy and drama at the same time. It is both hilarious and heartbreaking.

The Paycock is dictatorial and weak. Juno is strong, dutiful, and womanly. Mary is beautiful and powerful in her weakness. Johnny lost his arm for principal. Joxer is funny as a babbling drunk.

Even the bit players are good. The furniture movers, with thirty second parts, get the job done. The grief of the mother who lost her son is heart wrenching. She is on the stage for only a few minutes. The tailor who repossesses Jack’s suit is a whirlwind of indignation.

This is Joe Dowling’s last play as director at the Guthrie. It is also the same play he directed twenty years ago the search committee noticed when they were looking for a new director. Mr. Dowling thanked the audience at curtain call in front of a standing ovation.

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU

By George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart

At the Jungle Theater

A girl from an eccentric family brings home the son of the president of the company where she works. They fall in love on their first date and he proposes. The next night, his uptight family comes to dinner.

His parents are conservative, stuffed-shirts. Her family has a mother who writes ridiculous plays, a father who makes rockets for fireworks, a ballet-dancing sister, a xylophone-playing brother-in-law, and a grandfather who dropped out of business to smell the roses thirty-five years earlier. A Russian ballet instructor, a nervous maid, her flustered boyfriend, an alcoholic actress, and a man who helps the father design fireworks add to the zaniness.

The uptight parents decide to cancel the dinner engagement after the evening starts with a parlor game of truth or consequences. The truth of their honeymoon is too much for them to bear. The deal is off.

The grandfather never paid income tax and government men in trench coats arrest him. Everyone goes to jail. The uptight mother is strip-searched.

The father returns the next night, to retrieve his son, who is trying to convince the girl not to leave home, and the grandfather confronts him. So does his son. Suddenly, we learn the uptight father once wanted to be a trapeze artist. The arrival of a Russian noblewoman, who is now a waitress, amazes him. Played by Wendy Lehr, her stage presence is formidable.

The father’s façade of respectability crumbles, he stays for dinner, and the grandfather leads the gathering in grace: everyone is in good health and the Lord will take care of the rest.

This play does not flag a minute. The action sparks like the fireworks that explode in the basement. The direction is quick, the actors are having fun being kooky, and the resolution is heartwarming.

The play is funny and has a message we all need to hear. It is about a young man who throws away his future on Wall Street for the life his father wanted for himself. In the process, he gains a wife.

How many of us have been through this, at some point in our lives? We forsook our passion to make a living. The play ends with the cast singing The Best Things in Life Are Free.

I’m sure this crisis of identity resonated with the actors and actresses who portrayed it. They were the lucky few who chose careers they loved. The play showed it. It’s pure fun.

THE MUSIC MAN

By Meredith Wilson

At the Guthrie Theater

There’s more to this musical than the rousing, Seventy-Six Trombones, that had the audience standing and clapping along at curtain call. Professor Harold Hill, the ultimate con artist, arrives in River City, Iowa, to sell musical instruments to the children of unsuspecting parents. He can’t play a note.

He convinces people the children can learn their instruments with the think system. As in other towns, he takes advantage of a girl, this time Marian the Librarian. Instead, he befriends her lisping, little brother, Winthrop, and falls in love with her.

The opening scene of a train with salesmen singing that Hill doesn’t know the territory, to the syncopation of the wheels, is amazing. However, the show gets going with Hill’s Ya Got Trouble, that starts with T which rhymes with P which stands for pool. The mayor owns a pool hall.

Soon Hill has the whole town eating out of his hands. The instruments arrive by a Wells Fargo wagon. Winthrop begins to talk about his coronet. Marian, who mistrusts Hill’s intentions with her, changes her mind.

By the second act, the town ladies perform a classical dance and the school board members form a