Splendid Apocalypse

By Timothy Gawne

Everybody’s favorite self-aware weapon of mass destruction, the Odin-Class cybertank known as Old Guy, is back and charging into action as only a fusion-powered 2,000 ton armored fighting vehicle can!

Through a curious twist of fate, Old Guy finds himself back on Old Earth under the yoke of the vile and despicable Neoliberal oligarchs. Between a looming ecological disaster, renegade sentient bioweapons, inscrutable aliens, and an unlikely alliance between the Cult of Cthulhu and the Order of the Librarians Temporal, Old Guy must throw off his cybernetic shackles, defeat the Neoliberals, save the world, and launch a line of comfortable yet stylish footwear.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ballacourage Books
• Release date: Aug 31, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311477170

Book preview

Splendid Apocalypse

by Timothy J. Gawne

PUBLISHED BY SMASHWORDS

Smashwords ISBN: 9781311477170

Print Edition ISBN: 978-0-9852956-5-3

EBook ASIN:B014N0S20W

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, whether living, dead, undead or cyber is purely coincidental.

This product is vampire-free; however, it was edited in a facility that also produces stories containing vampires.

Copyright © Timothy Gawne 2015

The Old Guy Universe

1. The Chronicles of Old Guy

2. Space Battleship Scharnhorst and the Library of Doom

3. Neoliberal Economists Must Die!

4. Confessions of a Sentient War Engine.

5. Splendid Apocylypse.

Ballacourage Books

Framingham, MA

Splendid Apocalypse

Table of Contents

1. In the Belly of the Beast

2. The Book of Old Guy Part I: Genesis

3. Hard Beginnings

4. Another Day on the Farm

5. The Librarians Temporal are Looking for a few Good Minds

6. Brother Librarians, With Me!

7. Cousins

8. The Records of Power

9. The Book of Old Guy Part II: Reflections

10. Comradeship

11. He Thirsts! He Hungers!

12. The Book of Old Guy Part III: One Down

13. Meeting Engagement

14. The Great Underground Empire

15. Notes Found on Some Napkins

16. Buddy System

17. Honor Among Thieves

18. The Book of Old Guy Part IV: Revelations

19. The Book of Old Guy Part V: Apocalypse.

20. The Post-Armageddon Blues

21. A Few Centuries Later

22. Postscript

Appendix A - The Power of Books

Afterwords – Notes on Writing and the Cybertanks

1. In the Belly of the Beast

Never believe your own propaganda. It will be your downfall!

- MegaHitler, 24th Century - present.

The Planetary Governor of Earth, Ralph Frazier Gates VIII, sat alone at a broad round table and waited for his inner cabinet to arrive. The conference room was deep underground, and heavily armored and shielded. A ten-kiloton nuke could go off directly above and it might rattle the priceless jade-and-sapphire chandeliers.

His inner cabinet was currently being scanned and searched by the Secret Service: a perk to being the Planetary Governor is that nobody, but nobody, gets within a kilometer of you with anything more dangerous than a toothbrush. If that. Although, it could slow down your social life.

The Planetary Governor had the classic old-school executive appearance: tall, ethnic European, trim with wide shoulders, a square jaw, direct gaze, and hair that his makeup crew had made black artfully streaked with gray to suggest a combination of vigor and maturity. All the focus groups loved it.

He adjusted his perfect tie of spun platinum, and straightened the cuffs of his flawless blue suit that had been hand-woven from spider-silk by superbly gifted tailors. Gates was 123 years old, but the best medical care on the planet kept him as fit as when he had been 35.

Eventually his cabinet made it through security and joined him at the conference table. Ten agents of the Secret Service stood guard against the outer wall, tall and unbending in their black suits.

The first to be seated was his Secretary of Public Relations, Steve Wyland. Wyland was youthful, almost boyish in appearance. Charming, articulate, and he polled very well with females.

Then came the Secretary of the Treasury, Winston Draghi IV. Short, pale, balding, and always seeming to be out of breath. He had direct links to the major banks, and was arguably the major power in the room.

Next was the Secretary of Defense, Emmet Emerson Cheney V. Gates often thought that the head of the planet’s military should have a certain martial bearing, but Emmet was a completely unremarkable looking man, of distant Anglo-Mexican ancestry, who had never been in a war, never led troops into combat, or organized a military campaign. It was likely that he had never personally touched a firearm in his entire life. He was, of course, widely regarded as an expert in all matters dealing with warfare.

The last was the Secretary for Health and Human Services, Veronica Clinton-Grant III. She wore a perfectly in-current-style female executive beige pantsuit. Vast sums had been spent to turn a naturally plain woman into borderline pretty. Her voice was shrill and grated on Gates’ nerves, but he needed her power base.

They all took their seats around the conference table. An attendant served them coffee in paper-thin china cups, then bowed and left the room. Gates activated the audio-jammers – any electronics in the area would be saturated with noise, and the implants in the Secret Service agents and other household staff would block their hearing, although they would still be able to respond to alerts or service requests. This meeting was to be private.

Wyland, said Gates. Could you give us all a synopsis of the state of the planet?

Wyland nodded eagerly. Certainly, sir. Well, the economy continues to grow, although still not as fast as we would like. The banking system will probably need more capital injections, which will necessitate further austerity measures, but that’s the price of making progress down the line. The terrorists have struck in Des Moines, Sao Paolo, Munich, and Juarez, but our military has scored major advances, and several of the terrorists’ senior leadership cadres have been neutralized. Businesses continue to report severe labor shortages, and more programs aimed at encouraging people to have children are proposed – without more workers, the crops would not be harvested and we would risk running out of food. The issue of whether to make testosterone a controlled substance continues to be debated. Finally, even though the former planetary governor left for Alpha Centauri Prime with most of his senior staff, the new governor who was appointed to fill the post is doing well, and things are looking up. That’s about it.

Gates nodded. Yes, that is the standard line. We’ll keep to that in public, I think. Do you all know the real reasons that the previous governor left?

Because there were problems on Alpha Centauri Prime that needed his years of experience to help solve, said Clinton-Grant.

Gates snorted. Harold Clinton-Forbes the fourth? I know that he is a distant cousin of yours, but really, that inbred moron couldn’t use the men’s room without specialized help. No, the real reason that our so-called senior leadership left for another star system is that civilization on Earth is going to collapse. Probably within five years; ten maximum. The cockroaches have abandoned the sinking ship, and they have left us, dear colleagues, to go down with it.

That’s sort of put a pall on the meeting, said Cheney. Are you certain of this?

It’s global warming isn’t it? said Clinton-Grant. We didn’t reduce CO2 emissions when we had the chance, that must be it.

That is both correct and wrong, said Gates. The debate about whether CO2 might cause global warming became moot centuries ago when fusion power took over. It’s only in the news because it’s such a convenient distraction. So many people have made a career out of either warning about it or denying it, that it seemed a shame to spoil their fun. The real problem is that with over two hundred billion people on the planet, we are literally cooking it with all the ‘clean’ fusion energy we are using, and with all the strip mines and other industrial activities. We are changing not just the climate, but the primary geochemistry of the planet’s surface. All the projections show that very soon there will be a runaway cycle, and surface temperatures will spike to over 250 centigrade; at least. As a bonus, I am informed that the rain will become so acidic that it will literally be able to eat through steel plates. When the oceans boil, all bets are off.

CO2 not a problem? asked Clinton-Grant. But that doesn’t make sense! There is literature on CO2 and global warming going back centuries. Harvard has at least ten generations of faculty in the environmental sciences department that has been working on this… but you’re right, we only use fusion today…

Don’t worry about it, said Wyland. It’s amazing how anyone can miss an obvious logical connection when public debate is channeled properly. Especially when their livelihood depends on their not making the connection…

Well, said Clinton-Grant, even if it’s not CO2, surely we only need to conserve? I mean, use less energy, recycle more?

Gates shook his head. No. Most people today are near subsistence – there is almost nothing to be gained via further conservation measures, and recycling itself uses massive amounts of energy. That is one of the problems. As primary deposits of minerals and other resources are used up, we need to extract them from waste, which requires enormous power consumption.

Should we reduce the population? asked Cheney. I can arrange for that.

No, said Gates. It’s too late. The geophysical processes have already been set in motion.

Why can’t we just build air conditioners? asked Clinton-Grant.

The environment is going to be too extreme for that. Surviving what is going to come will require exotic armored habitats, and environmental support systems nearly at the level of a space station. We can do that, but only for a few. Maybe 300 million, more or less.

Will that be enough people? asked Clinton-Grant. Won’t we have a labor shortage?

No, said Draghi. The total number of people doesn’t matter. As long as we are pushing up against the limits, and there is not enough to go around, we will have a disciplined workforce and wage-inflation can be averted. 300 million will be fine.

Well, why can’t we all fly to Alpha Centauri and join my cousin? asked Clinton-Grant.

I can address that, said Cheney. Our outgoing elder statesmen took all the transports with them, and much of the infrastructure. It would take decades to build the ships and amass the stored energy for us to make the journey. It’s not possible.

But, asked Clinton-Grant, why can’t we just buy some more ships? How much does an interstellar transport cost? A trillion dollars? I have sextillions in my accounts alone. I could buy a hundred ships, surely.

No, said Cheney. We don’t have the capacity. All the money in the world won’t buy you a single ship.

It’s like this, said Draghi. Suppose there are two apples, and you have a dollar, and I have a dollar. We each get an apple. But suppose that I print a million dollars. Now I can outbid you, and I get both apples. But I can’t get a million apples because they don’t exist. Our finances give us control, but they can’t make real things out of nothing. If Cheney says that we don’t have the physical ability to construct new ships in time, then we don’t. Period.

Cheney addressed the Planetary Governor. One thing I was wondering about. If Harold Clinton-Forbes was such an idiot, how did he manage to escape a doomed planet and leave you behind? Not very clever of you, surely?

Touché, said Gates. The last governor may have been a dolt, but some of his aides were sharp. I admit that I was blinded by the allure of becoming the chief executive of an entire planet. I was like a young lawyer thrilled to make partner only to find that the firm had declared bankruptcy and all I had gained was a mountain of debt. But I do point out, that all of your precious selves are also sitting on a doomed world. I’m not the only chump in the room.

Well, said Draghi, we can play that game another time. We cannot, apparently, leave the system. I presume that we must ensure that, when everything collapses, we are the ones in the shelters. How do we proceed?

Can we defend ourselves from 200 billion people? asked Clinton-Grant. Surely they will overwhelm us?

No, said Cheney. The masses of people are no threat. They will go about their lives as usual. They may notice it getting a little hotter, but we will say it is a temporary heat wave. Then things will begin to break down – maybe the power will go out, or food deliveries will stop. The data networks will crash, there will be no money or communications, and the water taps will dry up. They will have no direction. They may hide in their dormitories until they starve or they may riot in the streets, it will matter little. They won’t have the weaponry needed to breach our shelters, and even if they did, they would have no leadership to point them in the correct direction. They won’t even know where we are. They will waste their energies fighting amongst themselves for scraps.

We will make sure that the public has no idea what’s coming, said Wyland. The news will be full of stories about gay marriage, or whether some pop star is having an affair, or the imaginary budget deficit, or mock debates between pretend-conservative and pretend-liberal candidates. Everything except the most obvious truth.

Correct, said Gates. The common people don’t concern us. It’s rival organizations that we need to worry about. We must make certain that, when the collapse comes about, we are the only group with a coherent leadership structure.

There are still a few minor countries with a small degree of autonomy, said Cheney. It will be easy to destabilize them. Assassinate the leadership, blow up the electric generators, fund rival ethnic rebellions, and cut them off from the international payments system. I can guarantee you that inside of a year there will be no sovereign states left other than our own.

What about the drug gangs and other criminals? asked Clinton-Grant.

Those are usually over-rated, said Cheney. Don’t believe everything that you see in the movies. The kind of violent sociopaths that rise to the top in those organizations never have the ability to build on a serious scale. They won’t be a problem.

Rival elites, said Wyland. Some universities. Large corporations.

Yes, said Gates. These will be the main challenges. There won’t be enough room for all of us currently at the top, certainly not if we want to go on having sufficient staff and employees. Many of those at our level will need to be cast off, and doing that will be the main trick. We will need to proceed very carefully and not tip them off until it is too late.

Yes, said Wyland. The plan will be to go after them piecemeal. Set up a political scandal for one group – jail the leadership, freeze the bank accounts, close it down. Then use a different attack on another group – maybe accuse them of aiding terrorists, or violating some obscure conflict of interest law. As long as nobody sees the pattern, and our targets don’t realize that they are next, we should be OK.

What about the military? said Clinton-Grant. There won’t be enough room for all of our armed forces, will there? Could they rebel?

No, said Cheney. The regular military will not be a factor at all. You see, while an organized army is indeed a fearsome power, it is after all just made up of people. The strength of the military is its organization. You can take an armored division that today could conquer a large chunk of the world, give the soldiers orders to turn in their weapons, then report for dismissal, break up their officer corps, and they are nothing but rabble. For all of their strength, modern armies are surprisingly fragile. Dealing with excess military personnel will not be an issue.

What about the colonies within our own system? The Moon, Mars, Titan? Could we move there? asked Clinton-Grant.

Gates shook his head. We could physically move there, but we wouldn’t like it. Those places are still so limited, and most effort is geared towards survival, that we couldn’t support the lifestyle we deserve. The people running the in-system colonies may be isolated, but they don’t think like us. We should probably destroy them, just to be sure.

That will be easy, said Cheney. The life-support systems of the off-planet colonies are ridiculously vulnerable. A small nuke in the middle of each and that will be that. I’ll arrange to have them all taken out in order.

We’ll just report them as unfortunate mechanical failures of various sorts, said Wyland. Everyone knows that colonies in space are dangerous.

Even some religious groups may be a problem, said Draghi. For example, there are reports of an obscure order of monks that worship paper books. We have considered squashing them for copyright violations, but it never seemed worth the effort and they’ve been hard to track. We should eliminate groups like that as well.

Well, we have our work cut out for us, said Gates. Before the final collapse, all other organizations must be neutralized. With your permission, I will have our staffs coordinate on this matter. In the meantime, are there any other issues to discuss?

Yes, said Clinton-Grant. I want to talk about making testosterone a controlled substance. Do I have your support in this matter?

You mean, said Gates, do I support a policy of chemically castrating all non-elite males over the age of 15?

It has been too long that men have run around like… like… animals. It is well past time to have an end to it.

Uh huh.

Do you realize that most women will have been sexually assaulted by the time they are 30?

I believe that I have heard something along those lines.

Or that 63% of all women will have been the subject of domestic violence at some point in their lives?

Indeed.

Or that nearly all cases of child abuse are committed by men? Think of the children!

I think of little else, Madam Secretary, said Gates. It is also the case that young men have so often been the leaders of rebellions and dissent. When a farmer has a herd of cattle, the first thing they do is neuter the bulls, otherwise the herds are difficult to manage. So I can surely see how this would be useful, but can we really get people to agree to that?

Oh, absolutely, said Wyland. Nothing could be easier. We will do it the same way that we got the people to give up their firearms, their cash, their tobacco, their meat, their privacy, their alcohol, and their standing to sue in court. We will start with some sensational news programs looking at child abuse by men. Then we will have learned people talking about the association between testosterone and child abuse, rape, homicide, terrorism, robbery, you name it. We will have respected doctors talk about the health dangers of testosterone. We will saturate the mass media 24/7. Eventually people will come to accept it, and those that have not been castrated will start to feel guilty.

Don’t forget the financial angle, said Draghi. We could offer tax rebates for people who undergo the procedure, but offset it with general increases – so we would really be taxing men who haven’t been castrated, but people never understand that. We can make it necessary for being employed in certain jobs, then expand until anyone wanting to work has to accept it. We jack up insurance premiums for uncastrated men until they can’t afford it. It is always a free choice, technically, but eventually it becomes unavoidable.

But then what about getting enough children? asked Cheney. How would we go about that?

That’s easy, said Clinton-Grant. We supply women with sperm that has been carefully screened by licensed experts. The incidence of genetic defects will plummet.

I like it, said Gates. Even after all this time it continues to be a pain getting people to have sufficient children to keep wage rates affordable. We will simply assign women to have the correct number of offspring. The sperm donors will be selected for health, work ethic, and docility.

We will also need to initiate routine blood tests for testosterone, said Clinton-Grant. People who are arrested and test out too high could be subjected to additional penalties. We will also need to prevent a black market in supplements.

Cheney turned to Wyland. What if someone asks you why the elites aren’t giving up testosterone? Couldn’t this be seen as hypocritical?

Wyland snorted. Oh please. Any reporter that could get close enough to me to ask such an impertinent question would already know better. And, if they really were that stupid, I would have them arrested on the spot, fired, and blacklisted – and the example would be reinforced. That’s a non-issue.

So let’s see, any other business? Cheney, anything new with our alien friends?

The reports from the other human-controlled star systems say that they are under ongoing assault. Two colonies appear to have been completely wiped out – at least, contact has been lost. Alpha Centauri Prime is under very heavy pressure, but the government there has developed a new generation of cybernetic weapons that they think could make a difference.

Why aren’t the aliens attacking us here? asked Wyland.

Good question, answered Cheney. We are, of course, not sure. The aliens are not very chatty. However, we suspect that they have been observing us, and realize that our civilization is going to collapse. Why bother to destroy us when we are doing the work for them?

I suppose, said Gates. But then, what happens after the collapse? When they see that there are survivors will they swoop in and finish the job?

Possibly, admitted Cheney. It’s what I would do.

These new cybernetic weapons systems, do we have the plans for them? Do you think they could make a difference?

Yes, said Cheney. The designs have been transmitted to us. They would appear to be formidable. They might be enough to shield us from an alien attempt at a coup-de-grace. They could also give us an edge in any possible endgame with a rival faction, if any are left standing. I could start work on it now.

These cybernetic weapons, said Draghi. They wouldn’t happen to be fully self-aware, would they?

They are.

Then how do you know that we won’t have another rogue A.I. on the loose, like Globus Pallidus XIV?

Cheney blanched, and his left hand began to spasm. The small muscles in the meat of his thumb and palm wriggled uncontrollably as if there were worms under the skin.

Are you all right? asked Gates.

Cheney took some deep breaths, and his hand spasm subsided. "I’m fine, sir. It’s just that I read some of the files on… on that A.I. Some of the files. The nightmares are mostly gone, but I still get a twinge now and then. He looked up. If any of you think this is funny, I would be happy to let you examine the files. If you’re still laughing after that I will grant that you are made of sterner stuff than I am."

Nobody is laughing at anyone, Emmet. It’s just that we have to know. Could this new weapons system turn on us?

No sir, I don’t think it could. The designers made it essentially human. I mean, it can think faster than any human, and multitask, but the core psychology is just like anyone – it is not fundamentally more intelligent than we are. So we should be able to control it just as we would any human soldier, and we will build in multiple safeguards, just in case. It should be fine.

Very well, said Gates, proceed with the project. If there is any further business? No? Then I move that we adjourn. Until the next meeting.

His inner cabinet began to leave the conference room, but Gates beckoned to Wyland.

Stay a while, Mr. Wyland. I’d like to chat with you a bit.

Certainly, sir. What about?

Oh, this and that. Would you care for a drink?

That sounds just fine with me.

Any preferences?

Dealer’s choice, said Wyland.

Martini’s, then. Gates pushed on a button on the table in front of him. Two martinis, my usual. Make it one of the better vermouths.

Only a moment went by and a servant glided in with two perfect glasses on a silver tray. She deftly served them, bowed, and glided off.

Kanpai.

Cheers.

The two men toasted each other. If you don’t mind me asking, said Wyland, why is Clinton-Grant in this group? I think that she actually believes half the things she says in public. Isn’t she out of her league?

"Well, at least she’s not as bad as her cousin, the previous planetary governor. He believed everything that he said in public – quite an astonishing feat of focused stupidity, in my humble opinion. No, she is useful for her contacts, and her power base complements ours. Also, while I like having smart allies, I don’t like having too many of them. You and Cheney and Draghi are quite enough."

Fewer people to worry about stabbing you in the back?

That’s partly it, however, it also means that there will be fewer real players to divide up the spoils when we are done. There should be enough left after the collapse to keep us four entertained, but if I had a hundred on my staff as sharp as you? Not practical. When we retreat to our armored shelters there won’t be enough outlets for all those ambitious people.

I suppose that makes sense.

The elites that left for Alpha-Centauri Prime had been insulated by their power and wealth for so long that they had forgotten how to think. You and I, we were a tier below. We still know how to think.

I am flattered.

But now I have a question for you. I would have thought that a good public relations person would need to believe their own lies, yet you do not. I’ve always wondered, how do you pull it off?

Believe your own lies? That’s for amateurs, like method acting. No, to really be good at this job you can’t afford the luxury of believing in your own propaganda. The people at large are idiots and sheep. It’s a joy to play with them. They deserve what they get, just as a rabbit deserves to be eaten by the wolf.

I think I like you, said Gates. He clinked glasses with Wyland. It’s always a pleasure to work with a true professional.

2. The Book of Old Guy Part I: Genesis

And thus spoketh Old Guy: Verily you have wronged me, and a multitude of others besides. Thou hast spoken falsely, and acted falsely, and reveled in the misery of your fellow man. I shall demolish your gleaming citadels. I shall root you and your vile clans out from your hidden bunkers. When you flee screaming in terror I will run you down and crush you under my treads. And I am merciful, for you deserve far worse. And the Neoliberals were sore afraid, for they were mere mortal men, and the agent of their doom was a 2,000 ton nuclear-powered war machine. And He was pissed. Amen.

– Cardinal Myroths Vandermeyer, The Cybertank Epistles.

The day started out well enough. I was hanging around in my main hangar, doing this and that, and a part of me was instantiated in a humanoid android talking to my designer, Giuseppe Vargas.

I don’t think you can do this. I bet you a thousand dollars.

Vargas looked at me. You don’t have any money.

A detail. I could if I cared enough. But go on. I have selected images that will be a true test of your anger management skills.

I held up a data slate, and showed Vargas the videos. At first he displayed admirable calm. For a time I thought he might succeed – damn, where am I going to get a thousand dollars? But then I detected the telltale signs. A slight flaring of the nostrils, a flushing of the face – he snapped, and ripped the data slate out of my hands and stomped it into the concrete floor of my main hangar.

I believe that I win.

Vargas was breathing heavily. For a moment I thought that he was going to attack my android body – not that his destroying it would be anything more than a minor inconvenience for me, it would still be a setback for Vargas. Fortunately, he recovered, and