The B'bbeb

By J N MacNeill

Imagine that your school sends you on your own to another planet to do a project about that planet!

Well, that is exactly what happens to someone from another planet, who is sent to Earth to do a school project. The polite young alien adopts the appearance of an Earth child. It was the best thing to do.

Book publishers had the idea to put some of the alien's story and school project into a book. This is the book, and the polite opinion of the alien is that most of it is very dull. You may find that the alien does not completely understand planet Earth..

• Language: English
• Publisher: J N MacNeill
• Release date: Jun 9, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310643156

J N MacNeill

As well as writing The Bub for children, J N MacNeill has published (under a different name) a slightly weird novel for adults, and is working on another that is weird in a different way. It is taking a long time. J N MacNeill also writes music of various kinds, plays the guitar, is learning the saxophone, and sometimes wonders if trying to become really good at just one thing would be a better idea.

Book preview

About this book

They were right not to believe that I am a young zwork from the planet Zyxyz

This book is not my idea.

Mr & Mrs Sidle Doff make books. No, that's not right. They publish books. That means they tell other people what books to make and what sort of thing to put in them. Mr & Mrs Sidle Doff do not do any real work themselves. To make up for not having the pleasure of doing real work, Mr & Mrs Sidle Doff are given a lot of the money that comes from selling the books.

The Sidle Doffs found out about me. They were very interested. At first they refused to believe that I have been sent to this planet by my schoolteacher to do a project about Earth.

I was very disappointed to be sent here. Fiffy Fiddy in my class was sent to the planet Lall. That was where I wanted to go. On the planet Lall, the scenery and the wildlife are amazing and beautiful, not like on Earth. The teacher likes Fiffy Fiddy. Oh, and on Lall the food is delicious. It's just better in every way, but the teacher did tell me that Earth would make me laugh.

Mr & Mrs Sidle Doff also refused to believe that I am a young zwork from the planet Zyxyz. Actually, they were right not to believe that. I have told one or two people that I am a young zwork from the planet Zyxyz, because they seemed disappointed by the truth   that I am a young b'bbeb from the planet Dod.

Here is an alphabet that many people on Earth use:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.

People on Earth expect visitors to come from a planet that has a name with lots of letters from near the end of that alphabet. Zyxyz seems a perfect planet name to them. Dod doesn't. They also did not much like my being a b'bbeb. So I call myself a zwork. The letters O, R and K are not very near the end of the alphabet, but I quite like being a zwork. I did not want to be a zwyv. I find that people are happy that I am a zwork – having the Z and W seems to make zwork a good enough word for someone of my kind.

As a guest on Earth, I would not want to upset my hosts. So my being a zwork from planet Zyxyz instead of a b'bbeb from planet Dod is only good manners.

Actually b'bbeb is not the proper word either. It is short for babbobbibbeb, but babbobbibbebs never call themselves babbobbibbebs unless they need a word that takes a long time to say.

It is also good manners for me not to look like a b'bbeb (or like a zwork). Apparently it is painful for people on Earth to see anything as beautiful as a b'bbeb like me. After all, b'bbebs are famous across the galaxy for a beauty that has evolved over so many generations. On Earth, the process is going in the opposite direction.

So I have chosen to make myself look like a humming bean.

Did you like my little joke? Of course I know that it is really human being, not humming bean, but it makes people smile went I say the wrong thing. I like that, and they like correcting me.

Every morning I have to look in the mirror to check that I look like a humming bean. I had to choose whether to look like a boy or a girl. What a horrible choice - they are both hideously ugly. Of course you didn't mind that I pointed that out, did you? Here on Earth you prefer ugliness.

Boy or girl, just two to choose from. On Dod, I mean on Zyxyz, there are five types of … zwork.

I do wince when I see myself in the mirror, but less so now I am used to seeing humming beans every day.

Mr & Mrs Sidle Doff say that a book based on my school Earth project would be wonderful. I don't think so. It's not very good. My school mathematics work is much more interesting. And more fun. Mathematics is the best subject for a creative person who likes thinking, don't you think? The Sidle Doffs don't want my mathematics, though. They just looked blank when I told them something funny about hyperbolic space. I know it was funny, because when I said the same thing during a mathematics lesson on Zyxyz, the teacher laughed a lot, although trying very hard not to.

They are going to take my school project and give it to someone to edit it. The editor will cut out all the boring bits, and correct all the mistakes. There will be nothing left.

Mr & Mrs Sidle Doff say that lots of young humming beans will enjoy reading the book. I don't think so. I have seen some of the books that young humming beans like to read. Most of them are very silly stories about things that never could happen.

Arrival

Shoelace tying practice had been the biggest part of my preparation for coming to Earth

The first time that I breathed the air of planet Earth was in a rather basic Transit Room.

Welcome to Planet A006FF41/3, said someone. Then the voice said my name. I cannot write down my name for you; this alphabet would need three extra letters for that. If Fiffy Fiddy had been sent here, and I had been sent to planet Lall, then that would have worked better. This alphabet has all the letters it needs to spell Fiffy Fiddy, and I wouldn't have had to worry about spelling my name on Lall, because on Lall they no longer use spelling.

I looked around, and saw Jeff in person for the first time.

Jeff is one of those Earth names that could almost be a Dod name.

Now there are two of us, said Jeff.

Two of us?

Two b'bbebs on Earth.

That made me feel safer, knowing there was an adult b'bbeb here.

Jeff looked like a normal ugly Earth person rather than a handsome b'bbeb, but I knew he was Dod's Resident B'bbeb on Earth.

We need to change your appearance so that ...   he paused   … so that you fit in better. Let's go to the Changing Room.

The day back on Dod, when everyone in the class was given some clothes like those for the planet they were going to, and was practising putting them on   that was one of the best school days ever.

I tried on boys' clothes and girls' clothes. They were uncomfortable.

Fiffy Fiddy looked elegant in the clothes for the planet Lall. Everyone else looked really silly, and no one could stop laughing.

How was I to know that underpants do not go on my head?

Now I had to put on real Earth clothes, not pretend ones out of a school cupboard, and it was more difficult. I had to do it all by myself, though Jeff did give me some advice.

No, said Jeff. Underwear first.

Which is the underwear?

He told me. Later he told me that it was socks before shoes. He let me figure out all the fasteners myself. Buttons are weird.

Eventually I managed. The hardest part was tying the shoelaces, but I was able to do it because shoelace tying practice had been the biggest part of my preparation for coming to Earth.

Well done, said Jeff. But that was the easy bit. Next we need to do something about the parts of you that are still visible. Are you ready? Right! Try to look more like me!

Concentrating really hard, I took two deep breaths, and tried to look more like Jeff. I tried, and tried, and tried. I was starting to manage it!

No, sorry, said Jeff, smiling. Don't try to be as tall as I am. I should have been clearer. The things you need to change most are your skin and your head. Oh, and I should have mentioned the shape of your body – you need to change that just a little. When you're ready, have another go.

After three or four attempts, Jeff said that I looked more or less like an Earth child. My ears weren't quite right, but he was sure that in time I would be perfect.

Now for the bad news, said Jeff. "When you are out and about on this planet, you need