Double Life

By Kathey Norton

Richard Maxwell, a gay teenager struggling with his sexuality, is forced to leave home after a violent confrontation with his father and moves to San Francisco, where he meets Sean Montero, a complex and fearless teenage male prostitute, who teaches Richard the tricks of the trade while also encouraging him to live openly and proudly as a young gay man in 1970s San Francisco. After Richard falls in love with the daughter of a wealthy San Francisco public relations executive, his life becomes increasingly complicated as he fights to maintain his marriage to Chelsea and family life while leading a double life as a closeted gay man and trying desperately to keep his past a secret. When Sean re-enters Richard’s life he’s forced to choose between Sean and Chelsea and confront the reality of AIDS in the 1980s and its impact on his sexuality, family, work, and old friends in the gay community.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 19, 2015
• ISBN: 9781631926815

Book preview

PROLOGUE

Sixteen year old Richard Maxwell sat eating lunch all by himself in the cafeteria while other boys at nearby tables taunted him by flinging food at him and yelling faggot at the top of their lungs. So used to their daily torment, Richard remained silent and desperately tried drowning out their hurtful comments. He was so accustomed to being the target of ridicule that he felt hollow inside and conditioned himself not to feel or react.

What he could not protect himself from, unfortunately, was the open carton of milk that was thrown at his head, exploding on impact and splashing all over his new school clothes. Instead of standing up to the bully who threw the carton, however, Richard calmly got up from the table, threw his food in the trash, and exited the cafeteria, as sounds of cruel laughter reverberated through his brain.

Once outside, he sighed deeply and imagined a scenario in his head where he had jumped across the cafeteria table and smashed food into the face of the bully who threw the milk. He knew it was futile, though, since there would always be more bullies in life. He couldn’t fight all the battles, and realized it would be an endless war regardless.

The only thing that got him through the daily torture of high school was his secret crush on Robbie Compton, the beautiful and athletic star of the track team, swimming team, and basketball team, who happened to live next door to his family. Richard suffered in silence as he watched Robbie strip out of his Speedo. Even though he knew Robbie had dated every cheerleader on the squad, he suspected that Robbie was gay, but decided not to make his move, fearing he would be rejected or beaten to a pulp if his suspicions were not correct.

Richard decided to remain silent and not admit or deny anything about his sexual preference to his peers. He would become a master of leading a double life—the life he really wanted and one that the world would approve of. The ultimate sacrifice was his happiness, but he was too scared to pry open that closet door and set himself free.

CHAPTER ONE

It’s so hard to live in a world that insists you be anything and everything but yourself.

At least that’s what I thought in 1974, at age seventeen when I was on the brink of discovering exactly who I was, not only physically and emotionally, but sexually. For the longest time I felt so lost because the world kept telling me that I should be doing what other boys my age were doing—trying to impress girls and charm them into bed. Not only did I have zero interest in girls, but the thought of having sex with one was the furthest thing from my mind. What did occupy my thoughts was Robbie Compton, the boy next door. His beautiful blonde hair and brown eyes, his athletic, lean, muscular body, and his sexy, throaty voice made me want to throw myself at him, but even though I suspected he might be gay like me, I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure until my parents left Robbie and me alone in the house while they went out for the evening. I was so afraid to make the first move for fear of being rejected and beaten to a pulp by Robbie, so I played it cool as we listened to music and smoked a joint.

So I saw you in the gym the other day, Richard, he said. You looked great.

You mean in my gym uniform? I always think I look like such an idiot. I hate our school colors.

No, I mean when you were showering, Robbie replied.

When I was showering? I asked with confusion.

Yeah, you have a great body.

I felt embarrassed and excited at the same time. I try to play a lot of sports to stay in shape. When I heard myself say that I thought that I sounded like a complete moron, but once the words left my mouth there wasn’t anything I could do to take them back.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, Robbie said, smiling.

Well, you have a great body, too, Robbie. I mean, you’re so athletic and all.

It wasn’t just your athletic body that got my attention, he said.

Suddenly I felt Robbie’s hand unzip my jeans and watched as he slid his hands inside and through the opening of my briefs. I felt this surge of excitement and nervousness and my heart started racing. Before I knew it he was using his hand to jerk me off. I felt like everything was spinning out of control as I was just about to orgasm, but just before I did, he unbuckled my pants and slid them down past my hips and gave me a blow job, causing me to come in his mouth. I had never experienced the feelings I felt that night with Robbie and it was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I also knew it was time for me to reciprocate in some way, and not being as smooth as Robbie, I was afraid that I would disappoint him, but I decided to seize the moment and also give him a blow job.

That feels so good, Richard, he said breathlessly.

Right before I sensed that he was going to come, I rolled him over on his belly in my bean bag chair, grabbed a lubricated condom that I had stashed under my mattress (just in case I ever got lucky), and slowly penetrated Robbie, thrusting in and out very carefully.

Oh, Robbie, I can’t believe we’re doing this, I said breathlessly.

This is my first time, Richard.

Me, too. I was hoping my first time would be with you.

Since we were so lost in the moment, we failed to hear my parents return home from the movies. I can still remember the expression on my father’s horrified face that December evening when he found Robbie and me having sex in my bedroom.

I was just about ready to collapse in ecstasy when my father pulled me off Robbie and pushed me into a bookshelf. He then threw Robbie’s clothes at him and told him, To get the hell out and don’t ever come back again, or I’ll tell that construction worker father of yours that he’s raised a fucking faggot son!

After Robbie ran out of the bedroom, my mother entered to find Dad on the verge of breaking my neck. He just kept shaking me as if he’d thought we’d both wake up from the horrible nightmare and discover that the scene never happened.

Jim, what are you doing! Mom screamed. Stop! Stop! Let him go!

When she tried to pry Dad away from me, he hit her across the face with his fist sending her flying across my bed, but before I could run to my mother’s side, Dad once again began shaking me and calling me faggot and cocksucker. I had never seen him filled with so much blind rage.

Jim, leave Richard alone! Mom said, lying on the bed and sobbing. Don’t hurt him!

Suddenly Dad stopped shaking me and walked over to her. I seriously feared for her life since he was completely out of control at that moment.

It’s all your fault, Leslie! He pulled her up from the bed by her arm. Just look at your son! When she wouldn’t stop crying or lift her head, Dad grabbed her arm more tightly and forced her to look at me. I said look at him! he yelled at her. You can’t do one goddamn thing right, Leslie! You’re as fucking useless as your sissy, cocksucker son!

As Dad was about to strike Mom again, I remember pushing her aside, knocking him to the floor, and wresting with him. I wanted to kill him for hitting her, but I couldn’t. I mean, he was my father and all and I still loved and respected him too much to hurt him anymore than I already did by being gay. I just didn’t want him to hurt Mom. I didn’t care what he did to me at that point.

Suddenly I stopped fighting with him and let him pin me to the floor.

I want you out of my house tonight, Richard! he yelled. I’m not going to have you trashing it up with your faggot friends under my roof! he said before getting off me and storming out of the room.

While I remained lying on the floor staring at the ceiling, my mother kneeled down beside me. Richard, I’m sorry about your father, she said, trying not to cry again. He had no right to hurt you like that.

I sat up and took her in my arms. Don’t apologize for him, Mom. I know he’s not sorry about anything.

I don’t want you to leave home. You’re only seventeen. Where will you go?

I don’t know, Mom, but I’ll be okay. I held her at arm’s length for a moment. What about you? You shouldn’t let him treat you like that. The problem was with me and not you."

Richard, I can’t leave your father.

He hurt you, though. I hate to see him hit you.

Yes, he was angry, but that’s no reason for me to just throw twenty years of marriage away.

Well, I guess I’d better start packing before he comes in here and smacks us around some more, I said, getting up from the floor.

Richard, I want you to know that I love you. She kissed me on the cheek. Maybe your father will eventually learn to accept you for who you are.

Yeah, maybe someday, I said, knowing that someday would never come.

After packing a suitcase, I went downstairs to find my parents seated on the sofa. While Dad belted down a whiskey, Mom sat in silence and dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

Well, I just wanted to say goodbye, I said, entering the room.

Jim, do something! Mom exclaimed, leaping from her seat. You can’t turn Richard away like this! It’s not safe out there for a boy his age with nowhere to go.

When he learns to be a man he can come back home, my father said, swallowing down the rest of his drink.

I picked up my suitcase, kissed my mother, and walked out of the living room.

Mom ran after me. Richard, I want you to have this, she said, handing me a hundred dollars in twenty dollar bills.

Mom, I can’t take it.

You’re going to need money, Richard. When you get settled somewhere please call me to let me know you’re okay. I’m going to worry about you no matter what because you’ll always be my baby.

I stuffed the money in my jeans pocket. Thanks, Mom. I hugged her one last time. I’ll take this as a loan and pay you back with interest, I said, smiling.

She looked at me and smiled sadly. Just consider it a Christmas present since you won’t be home for Christmas. She began crying and ran upstairs to her bedroom.

Before I turned to leave, I watched Dad bury his head in his hands. I wanted to run over to him and tell him how I’d change and be the man he wanted me to be, but something inside told me that it was time to move on. I knew no matter what I said or did he would never accept me for being gay. I had let him down and there was no turning back. Things would never be the same between us even if I stayed.

After walking to the nearest Greyhound bus terminal, I purchased a one-way ticket to San Francisco. During the bus ride I kept trying to imagine what my life in San Francisco would be like. I had only seen photos of the city and found it difficult to visualize myself living there after having grown up in such a small place like Humboldt County. I guess all I really knew was that living in a