You Got To Be Kidding! A Radical Satire of The Bible

By Joe Wenke

Why did God turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt? Were there no other seasonings available? Why don't we know anything about the early years of Jesus? Did someone lose his baby book? Who reported the desert encounter between Jesus and Satan? Jesus-or Satan? And why does the Holy Spirit like to show up as a bird? As irreverent as the musical The Book of Mormon, Dr. Joe Wenke's YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING: A Radical Satire of The Bible is an engaging, provocative and hilarious investigation into the bestselling book of all time. Written to "cause trouble" cultural arsonist Dr. Wenke, a keen observer of human gullibility, tempts readers to more closely examine the stories they think they know about the Bible. Drawing upon the same pool of incendiary and cerebral humor as Bill Maher, Jon Stewart and the late, great George Carlin, YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING is a call for humor to restore our sanity and our ability to think for ourselves. Just as it was written in the Bible-or was it?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Wenke
• Release date: Apr 7, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310634246

Joe Wenke

JOE WENKE is a writer, social critic and LGBTQI rights activist. He is the founder and publisher of Trans Über, a publishing company with a focus on promoting LGBTQI rights, free thought and equality for all people. Wenke is the author of The Human Agenda: Conversations about Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity; Looking for Potholes, Poems; The Talk Show, A Novel; Free Air, Poems; Papal Bull: An Ex-Catholic Calls Out the Catholic Church; You Got To Be Kidding! A Radical Satire of the Bible and Mailer's America. Wenke received a B.A. in English from the University of Notre Dame, an M.A. in English from Penn State and a Ph.D. in English from the University of Connecticut.

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PRAISE FOR JOE WENKE’S

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING!

A radically funny book.  Christopher Rudolph, The Advocate

"Gisele, the notable transgender fashion model, graces the cover. And that image alone challenges the Bible. A transgender woman in a religious pose. . . . Get [You Got to be Kidding!] on your Kindle or take it on a trip, the time will fly by — boring this is not!"  Transgenderzone

A riotously funny read, I recommend it to anyone who’s ever questioned organised religion, especially that of the Bible-bashing, homophobic kind.  Anna, Look!

This is hilarious! Joe Wenke gives a nod to Mark Twain as he looks at the Bible with fresh eyes and with the pen of a thinking comic.  Bill Baker

This is without a doubt the funniest book I’ve ever read. I sat with my parents and read aloud some of the passages and we all laughed a lot!  Emma Charlton, Bookswithemma

Very tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic and pointed, dedicated to Christopher Hitchens and Thomas Paine, both of whom would, I believe, really enjoy this book!  Sarah Hulcey

The cover of the book itself is a slap in the face of transphobia. . . . If this book accomplishes one thing, I hope it pushes prejudiced people toward acceptance of LGBT people just as they are.  Isaac James Baker, Reading, Writing & Wine

Brave, brilliant and funny. Page after page, biblical chapter after biblical chapter, absurdity after absurdity, this book delivers laugh after laugh. Joe Wenke has crafted the answer to the fundamentalist literal reading of the Bible with the perfect recipe of rationality, candor and humor.  Max Gelt

Brilliant . . . for once a funny look at ALL the Bible’s insanity.  Jo Bryant

Would make a really wicked Christmas present for your Christian friends who have a sense of humor and a sense of the ridiculous.  Ed Buckner, American Atheists

Whether you are an atheist or a Christian who can see the absurdity of some of the anecdotes narrated in Holy Scripture, Joe Wenke’s humor won’t be wasted on you.  Mina’s Bookshelf

Oh my! This is very funny . . . Joe turns everything on its head and makes it a really interesting read.  Stephen Ormsby

Great book! Funny and easy to read.  Violets and Tulips

Funny and to the point read. Takes a look at the Bible and points out all sorts of inaccuracies, illogical stories and questions. Strongly recommend.  Hertzey

Witty and wise. Joe Wenke takes a critical, provocative look at The Bible and he does so with regular hilarity.  Dana Hislop

A must-read for anyone who still thinks the Bible is the inviolable word of God — sense of humor mandatory.  K. Sozaeva

Such a funny read, my son & I actually read it together! Laughter abounds!  Rael

Deliciously witty!  Jack Scott

Irreverent and hilarious. I am no Bible scholar, but I feel like I have been given the funniest crib notes on this most widely read and probably as widely misunderstood book of all time. I laughed out loud at Wenke’s common sense observations and interpretations of this tome.  Lorna Lee

Entertaining and enlightening.  Patti Bray

I could not put this book down.  Jackie Hepton

Will keep any freethinking reader laughing the whole way through.  George Lichman

You will be laughing yourself silly while reading this book! In fact, you may find yourself bookmarking a bunch of pages to discuss with your pastor and friends later!  S. Henke

This author allows the reader to explore and learn about the Bible with a tongue-in-cheek attitude that keeps you laughing and turning the pages.  Tricia Schneider

Some of it made me feel like I might wind up in hell for reading it, but if you keep an open mind and a light heart, you’ll have a blast.  Jon Yost

Don’t read the Bible! Read this!  Dr. Dan

ALSO BY JOE WENKE

The Talk Show, a novel

Free Air, Poems

Papal Bull: An Ex-Catholic Calls Out the Catholic Church

Mailer’s America

Looking for Potholes, Poems (January 2015)

The Human Agenda: Conversations About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity (January 2015)

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You Got To Be Kidding! A Radical Satire of The Bible

Trans Über LLC

www.transuber.com

Copyright © 2012 by Joe Wenke

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States of America by Trans Über LLC, Stamford, Connecticut.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any other information storage and retrieval system, except for brief excerpts in a review or essay referring to this book, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

To reach the author or Trans Über email:

[e-mail]

ISBN: 978-0-9859002-2-9

Paperback available.

Manufactured in the United States of America

Third Edition

Cover design: Blue Mountain Marketing

Model: Gisele Xtravaganza

Photography: Nina Poon

eBook created by www.ebookconversion.com

www.joewenke.org

Follow Joe Wenke on twitter @joewenke.

For Thomas Paine and Christopher Hitchens

For Gisele Xtravaganza

Gisele, as a transgender woman, you have always stood up for the rights and dignity of gay, lesbian and transgender people. Now, as the angelic nun on the cover of my book, you again take a stand in support of freedom and equality, for your beatific image is itself a repudiation of Bible-backed bigotry. Thank you, Gisele, for being on the cover of my book. You are the best — beautiful, brilliant and brave.

Biographical Note: Gisele Xtravaganza is a fashion model, actress, painter, event producer, legendary ballroom personality and transgender activist. She appeared recently in Vogue and Vanity Fair as part of the groundbreaking Barney’s campaign, which featured transgender models. As a result of her participation in the campaign, she was also profiled on Japanese Public TV. Over the course of her modeling career she has worked with such professionals as Patricia Field, Patrick Demarchelier, Terry Richardson and Danielle Levitz. In addition to Vogue and Vanity Fair, she has appeared in national magazines such as Interview, Out, Amelie G, Flaunt and C★ndy. Her runway work includes The Blondes, Vidal Sassoon, Nico and Adrian. Gisele is also featured in the Icona Pop video All Night, which has gotten millions of YouTube views, and she appeared with them at Radio City Music Hall for the 2013 finale of America’s Got Talent. Gisele also appeared in the film, The Extra Man, with Katie Holmes, Kevin Kline, and Paul Dano and was featured in the documentary, Lost in the Crowd, by Susi Graf.

CONTENTS

The Old Testament

  1 Adam and Eve

  2 Cain and Abel

  3 Noah’s Ark

  4 The Tower of Babel

  5 Abraham and the Covenant of Circumcision

  6 Sodom and Gomorrah

  7 The Sacrifice of Isaac

  8 Brotherly Love

  9 Moses

10 God and Moses Liberate the People of Israel

11 The Ten Commandments

12 Weird Laws

13 What Gets You the Death Penalty

14 What Is OK

15 What You Can Eat and What You Can’t Eat

16 The Golden Calf

17 Forty Years in the Desert

18 People to Moses: What Have You Done for Me Lately?

19 God’s War Crimes

20 Life in the Promised Land

21 God and Gideon Defeat the Midianite Zombies

22 The Worst Brother of All

23 Don’t Make a Deal with God

24 Samson

25 Parts You Can Skip

26 Answered Prayers

27 David and Goliath

28 Foreskins

29 Saul, the Homicidal Maniac

30 God’s Favor

31 Killing: When Is It OK? When Is It Not OK?

32 Free Will

33 Solomon’s Slaves

34 Solomon and the Ladies

35 The Prophets’ Amazing Powers

36 Where’s Heaven?

37 Job

38 What’s the Point?

39 Prophecies of the Messiah

The New Testament

40 The Story of Jesus

41 The Baby Jesus

42 Jesus as a Boy

43 Sources

44 John the Baptist

45 The Devil Tempts Jesus

46 Jesus, the Miracle Worker

47 Jesus Is Cool

48 Thank You, Jesus

49 The Parables Decoded

50 The Bad Guys

51 Does Jesus Think He’s God?

52 Nobody’s Perfect

53 Jesus Flips Out

54 Jesus Rejected in His Hometown

55 Betrayal

56 Killing Jesus

57 Jesus Is Back

58 Heaven: Open for Business

59 Goodbye

60 The Holy Spirit

61 The Apostles

62 The Convert

63 Paul Is the Guy

64 Message from Paul: Sex Is Dirty

65 Slavery: The Bible Man’s Burden

66 The Bible and Women

67 The Bible and Homosexuality

68 Hell

69 The Old Testament God vs. the New Testament God

70 Unanswered Questions

71 Revelation

The Genesis of You Got to Be Kidding!

About the Author

Praise

THE OLD TESTAMENT

1

ADAM AND EVE

God is looking for Adam and Eve. They both ate a piece of fruit, and he is really pissed.

They’re hiding behind some trees in the garden and are looking at their genitals, which they had never really noticed before. For some reason God is having a hard time finding Adam and Eve. Where are you? he cries out.

Adam decides to let God know where they are, figuring I suppose that he would eventually find them anyway. God is immediately in Adam’s face, really upset about the fact that he and Eve ate the fruit. Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat? he says.

Cornered, Adam puts most of the blame on Eve, but implies that it’s sort of God’s fault too since creating Eve was his idea. He says, The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree and I ate.

God ignores Adam for the moment at least and turns on Eve. What is it that you have done? he says.

Eve will take none of the blame either. The serpent deceived me, and I ate, she says. So now the serpent’s in trouble, and God really throws the book at him. Because you have done this, God says, cursed are you above all livestock, and above all beasts in the field; on your belly shall you go.

I don’t know how the serpent got around previously — whether it had legs or wings or whatever, but from now on it has to crawl. That’s a tough punishment. But God is just getting started here. Before he’s done, he makes sure that childbirth will be excruciating for Eve and all future women, and he makes Adam her boss. In fact, he makes men the boss of women forever more. For his part, Adam is going to have to work his ass off to even feed himself. His whole life is going to be miserable. Eve’s too — nothing but misery and suffering. And at the end of it all they die. But here’s the kicker: Everybody else who is ever going to be born gets the same punishment — work your ass off your whole miserable, god-forsaken life and then die.

If you ever find yourself wondering why life really sucks — like what’s the story, why does it have to be this way, I just told you. And now that you know, there’s really only one thing you can say and that is Thank you, Lord.

2

CAIN AND ABEL

Right away things go from bad to worse.

Adam and Eve have two sons, Cain and Abel. The boys both want to get on God’s good side, so they give him presents. Cain gives God a kind of fruit basket, and Abel gives him a sheep. God likes the sheep and hates the fruit basket. Cain should have known that God is very touchy when it comes to fruit. In any event, Cain takes all of this really badly and goes off and kills Abel, which is arguably the biggest overreaction to rejection in all of human history.

3

NOAH’s ARK

The generations pass, and nothing is working out as far as God is concerned. Just about everybody is behaving badly. There is corruption all around. You get the impression that there was nothing but sex and violence going on 24/7. God gets fed up and wants a do over. So he decides to kill everybody — not just the adults but infants and children too — and start from scratch. Even the animals have to go, although it isn’t clear what they did to deserve the death penalty. I assume they were just acting like animals.

God’s method is pretty smart, though. He decides to make it rain every single day until the earth is totally flooded, and everybody and everything drowns. Coincidentally this all takes forty days and forty nights. The one flaw I see in God’s plan is that the fish should still be able to do OK in a flood since they can swim, although the salt water from all of the oceans getting into all of the rivers would probably cause big problems for the freshwater fish.

God’s decision to flood the entire earth and kill everybody and everything is without a doubt far and away the greatest single act of genocide in the history of the world. It makes you wonder what God thought of the pathetic attempts of Hitler, Stalin and Mao to compete in the genocidal sweepstakes. They may have slaughtered millions, but there were still plenty of people left when they were done. God, however, has