LOST and PROFOUND: The Rejected Book Reviews by Famous People

By Mark McKirdy

‘LOST and PROFOUND: The Rejected Book Reviews by Famous People’ is a unique and hilarious collection of unpublished book reviews seemingly written by household names who have reached the top in film, television, journalism, science, music, sport, art, business, politics and literature. Included among the ‘reviewers’ are George W. Bush, David Letterman, Madonna, Gore Vidal, Shirley MacLaine, Arnold Palmer, Elton John, Gloria Steinem, David Suzuki, Walter Cronkite, Salvatore ‘Sammy the Bull’ Gravano, Jimmy Swaggart and Monica Lewinsky. All the books reviewed are real, and the astonishing diversity of interests of the celebrities demonstrates that shallow understanding can never be disguised as deep thought, no matter how cleverly expressed.

As revealed in the book’s ‘Introduction’, Mark McKirdy acquired this collection when he successfully bid for a small, dusty box at a Sotheby’s auction in 2013. Upon his return to Oxford University, where he was the anthropologist-in-residence, he opened the box and, like Howard Carter marveling at the treasures he’d just unearthed from Tutankhamun’s tomb in 1922, the author was holding a golden collection of hilarious book reviews by many of the world’s most significant people. Each review had apparently been commissioned by the prestigious literary journal, ‘The London Review of Books’ and each, for reasons never revealed, received a soul-crushing rebuff by way of a large, red ‘Rejected’ stamp.

As with all well written satire, ‘LOST and PROFOUND’ will give readers pause for thought, seconds for chuckling, minutes of laughing out loud and hours of fun, and if the celebrities mentioned in the book didn’t actually write the reviews cited, they probably wish they had.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mark McKirdy
• Release date: Mar 1, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311122476

Mark McKirdy

Mark McKirdy has four books published, several travel stories, a number of feature articles and some poetry. He has a teaching degree, a Masters in Creative Arts (Writing) and a doctorate in the same subject. These days Mark mostly writes humorous stuff because it's more effective, and heaps more fun, than swallowing Zoloft. He has a beautiful wife, Carol, three exceptional children, two strange cats and a dog who thinks he's the Pope because he loves touching people on the head with his paw. And for those interested in Astrology, Mark is on the cusp of Herpes and Constipation.Last week, a young guy knocked at Mark's door. When he opened it, the guy said, "Hello, my name is Barry and I'm an Eighth Day Adventist. I should have come yesterday but I over-slept."

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Serendipity has played a significant role in many extraordinary events, perhaps the most important being the discovery of penicillin by Alexander Fleming on September 28, 1928. Fleming, an avid rambler, was on a weekend hike through the Scottish Highlands when he came upon a desolate area swept only by the wind and a confused janitor from Perthshire. It was a foggy day and Fleming, being unfamiliar with the territory, fell into Loch Jaw and quickly developed tetanus. Desperate to cure himself, he hurried back to St Mary's hospital in London and drank a bottle of single grain scotch. Although it failed to ameliorate his condition, he regained the power of speech, albeit slurred, and was able to order another bottle from the distillers. It was this action that changed the course of medical history. Quite by accident, Fleming had left a small amount of the liquid in the bottom of his tumbler and when he went to pour his usual heart-starter the next morning, he discovered a greenish mould had developed. Being the epitome of the parsimonious Scot, Fleming immediately drank the bubbling brew and within an hour he was completely cured. Among the many decorations received by the renowned biologist were the Nobel Prize for Medicine, a peerage and of course the popular Highland cocktail named in his honour, the Phlegming Phling.

My own experience with serendipity is in many ways similar to Fleming's, although its consequences are yet to be fully realized. If my hunch is correct, the Nobel Prize will be the least of my awards. As one of the world's foremost anthropologists, my investigations in search of rare species have taken me to every continent and many prestigious journals have sought my reports. However, it was my latest encounter that caused the scientific community to seriously reconsider Darwin's theories. In May 2012, Scientific America published my sensational account of 'Medico Mendicantus', or the uncommon Poverty-Stricken Plastic Surgeon, whom I discovered in a Beverley Hills surgery injecting Botox into furrowed female foreheads for only $60,000 a jab. Many accused me of academic fraud, and I became synonymous with the term charlatan until the producers of Ripley's Believe It You're Nuts! persuaded the doctor to appear on the show. Having re-established my reputation, many opportunities arose, and in November 2013, I accepted an invitation from Oxford University to become its inaugural Anthropologist-in-Residence. It was from here that I investigated reported sightings of three other rare species but I was never able to authenticate the existence of the Self-Effacing Actor (Thespian Humilitus), the Old Fashioned Teacher (Pedagogicum Antiquitus) or the Intelligent Astrologer (Zodiacas Bunkum).

As a diversion from my mounting sense of despair and frustration, I travelled to London with my friend, Sir Cameron Macintosh, to attend a Sotheby's auction. Cameron was intent on buying Andrew Lloyd Webber's first draft of what was later to become the musical Cats. Originally called Rats, it was based upon Lloyd Webber's obsessive loathing of theatre critics but Tim Rice had an uneasy feeling that the reviews could be damaging to box office receipts so he persuaded Andrew to choose a more benign theme. After an intense bidding war between Cameron and Sir Richard Branson, the Virgin CEO was forced to surrender when his determined rival boldly offered 25 pence above the twenty million pound reserve. Branson fled the auction in tears and later consoled himself by buying Buckingham Palace as a weekend crash pad. I had no intention of bidding on anything and was about to leave when one enigmatic lot was brought out. It was a small brown box that generated no interest, and just as the auctioneer was about to pass it in, I offered one pound, the hammer fell and the box was mine. At the time it seemed a bit of harmless fun but when I returned to my rooms in Oxford, I realized that my inconsequential impulse was actually an action with the potential to surpass the serendipitous consequences of Fleming's earlier discovery. Inside the box was a folder that bore the name of the prestigious literary journal, The London Review of Books, and when I opened it, my delight was boundless. Like Howard Carter marvelling at the treasures he'd just unearthed from Tutankhamun's tomb in 1922, I was holding a golden collection of book reviews by many of the world's most significant people; artists, scientists, musicians, political figures, writers, religious leaders, actors, sportspeople, educators. Although I couldn't be sure of it, I sensed that the reviews, all written during the last decade, had never been published. There were two reasons for my suspicions. The first was that I hadn't read any of them in the LRB and the second was that the word rejected was stamped in red uppercase letters across every one.

Determined to rectify such an appalling lapse of literary judgement, I engaged a team of international bibliophiles to establish each book's existence, and when all had been authenticated, I sought the collection's release into the canon of established belles-lettres. The result is unquestionably the most august anthology of book reviews ever published.

It would be preposterous for me to put myself in the same league as Alexander Fleming because history will show that my achievements are on a much grander scale. However, when I accept the Nobel Prize, it will be as a simple researcher blessed by the intervention of serendipity. I'll then take my 10 million Swedish kroner and humbly spend it on Fleming's favourite tipple as I unsteadily trek the globe in pursuit of 'Shrinkum Nonloopi' or the Sane Psychoanalyst. Being a realist, I'm convinced that I'll run out of money long before I run into the object of my search.

Mark McKirdy

University of Oxford

February 2014

BOOK REVIEWS

LENIN

A New Biography

by Dmitri Antonovich Volkogonov

Hardcover

Subject Lacks Objectivity

There is no doubt that Lenin achieved a level of recognition that will continue for as long as humans maintain a sentient capacity. The fact remains, however, that he gained this recognition largely through his association with others. Dmitri Volkogonov's biography does not acknowledge this aspect and is therefore singularly shallow. In fact, those central to Lenin's rise are not even mentioned.

I said all this in the piece I submitted to Pravda in 1996. Not surprisingly, the Politburo censors took umbrage and the review was rejected. Fortunately, America imposes no systemic silence on its citizens, so I will repeat the brief conclusion articulated in the Pravda review. Volkogonov's biography of this unique figure is flawed not by its inclusions but by its myopic exclusions. It is impossible to present a balanced account of Lenin without reference to the other three Beatles.

Gore Vidal

Ravello, Italy

July 2001

Diamond in the Literary Sky

Jonathan Swift is arguably the most significant satirist in the history of English prose. Nowhere is this better illustrated than in his timeless work, 'Gulliver's Travels'. Since its publication in 1726, critics have recognised it as the most accomplished satirical castigation of Enlightenment modernism ever written. According to my research at the British Library, this book was so popular that the publishers implored Swift to write